I'm writing this as I'm on the way home from Kyle's, so forgive me if I sound sleepy as hell or there's a million typos. It's an hour drive back home and I'm bored while trying to keep myself awake.
Well Kyle and I celebrated our one year together yesterday/today. Yesterday was the official date. We went to see Monster's University first. If you get the chance, you should totally see it. It'a hilarious and definitely worth a watch. It's really cute as well!
Then we went to Applebee's for dinner with his dad. It felt like we were being set up, because right when we walked in, the song playing was Here In Your Arms by Hellogoodbye. Then as we were ordering, they played an Owl City song, which /our/ song is Vanilla Twilight by Owl City. It was really just fantastic.
I ordered an oriental chicken salad. Oh and I actually ordered for myself for once. I don't like talking to anyone so usually I just tell my friend or family member what I want and they tell the server. But after Kyle's encouragement, I did so and although I was mortified, the salad was wonderful.
Due to my strange eating habits lately, I only made a dent in the salad. I haven't been able to function properly as of the last few days. I can't sleep for more than a few hours at a time. Can barely eat anything. It's... really weird and starting to concern me.
Jesus the sun is really bright in the window. Good lord. -hisses at the sunlight-
I don't know, when Kyle and I were trying to go to sleep, I couldn't even relax. Which is weird. Because usually I melt when I'm around Kyle. I fell asleep for maybe two hours while having a nightmare. I woke up soaked in sweat and my whole body just ached like it never has before. So I just laid awake for a few hours watching TV, waiting for Kyle to wake up.
Then we went and had breakfast. I ordered for myself AGAIN. (It's really just a big deal for me hahaha) and I had a waffle with strawberries on top. Omg. So good.
Most of our time was spent watching stuff together. First we watched Game of Thrones and Kyle got me really into that. THANK YOU BOYFRIEND for getting me into a show that I prolly can't watch at home. ;-; seriously though. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I don't remember exactly how far into we got though. O:
Then we watched The Venture Bros for the majority of the time. I just really fucking love that show. It's like Kyle and I's favorite show to watch together besides Adventure Time. God we were up until 4am watching it and laughing. Trying really hard to make sense of that show but pfff no. That doesn't happen. Still it was great and a lot of jokes were made. Like about Dean going all emo and the Monarch... come on. How can you not love the Monarch. cx
I've never felt so close to anyone before. The only person who came close was my ex bestfriend and she was a bitch about it. She judged me for everything. Everything I was. Everything I wasn't. But Kyle... he's just perfect.
He knows me inside and out. More than I would ever let anyone else know. I just feel like I can be myself around him.
I've never felt so happy. I'm so in love.
Okay well I'm home now and I'm going to take a nap. I'll be up in a few hours if anyone wants me.
It's 8:40am and I haven't slept yet. So I'm sorry if this post seems a little on crack. o____e
Well there isn't much going on lately. Still kind of battling this depression but I'm closer to being happy and fabulous again lolol.
I think the reason why I don't sleep much is because of the nightmares I've been having. I'm not consciously trying to stay awake for so long but ??? It just happens.
I don't know. Usually my dreams don't make any sense at all. Like I'm batting a forest full of creatures to save a little ginger boy orrrr going shopping with Andy Biersack. (Yeah that was an odd one)
But lately they've been really terrifying and messing with my head. Bringing back old memories that I would rather not remember. Like when my ex best friend began hating me. Or even worse, when my parents were fighting all the time.
Recently, the one I had was where I was about 10 or so and my brother was probably 7 and my parents were still together I guess. We were shopping or something and I guess my dad did something to piss my mom off majorly. So she went on this homicidal rage on him, but my dad was completely oblivious to this??? I wont go into detail about the rage. These were pretty gruesome things. So we got home, and my dad went to the bedroom and watched TV. My brother and I went to calm my mom down in the living room. And for a while, she seemed fine so my brother and I left the room. After a while, I went to check on her. And she was hacking away at her neck with a knife... So naturally, I stopped her but then she turned on me, and was heading for my dad. So I blocked the doorway to the bedroom. My dad and brother were asleep. (or maybe dead? idk) and she was slicing at me until she pushed me down and I had to watch her mutilate my dad's body, ripping him open and such.
I woke up right as she came back for me.
So yeah >____< before my parents divorced, they fought A LOT. And they did try to hurt one another. And my mom did hit me when I was around 11 years old.
So yeah, I was pretty messed up about even looking at my mom after that dream.
I've been really wanting to watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show. And I have it on DVD but my brother took it to my dad's and now I'm waiting for his ass to bring it back. -.-
Hmm, what else.
Oh, my boyfriend has a TheO account~ deaththekid0880
So you can go harass him now. >:D
I'm kidding be nice to my boyfriend. <33
Aaaaand I have a new deviantArt account: APrinceInDistress
Though I'm not sure if I can actually post art on there or not. .w. I tried earlier but it was being difficult.
Also, I haven't heard anything new about my grandpa. x.x I hope he's alright. I think he's just recovering from surgery still.
I've been trying to get back into writing a story I started in the middle of the last school year but I'm so picky about my work. I've started it completely over at least 30 times. >.<
I don't think I've mentioned the story on here.
It's sort of an apocalyptic thing. Basically, there are two girls who keep the earth balanced between good and evil. They keep the demons and angels in check. Well, the demon girl-- Jenesta, kills the angel chick-- Ophelia. Therefore, demons start overrunning everything.
But the story focuses on Gabriel, the main character, and his lover, Alairik. There are also minor characters as well. And basically Gabriel and Alairik sort of have to take the places of Jenesta and Ophelia. But in order to do so, they have to face their deepest fears. Not to mention that they're on opposite "teams" so I guess you can kinda see where that'll lead. Or not. cx
Okay well now it's 9:12am. So I think I may or may not sleep now. All I know is that I'm tired of typing. x.x
Well, I feel better than I did in my last post. Sort of.
I finally really vented to Kyle and he listened and it was pretty great. n.n We talked for three hours on the phone last night and it was really nice, after he'd been busy with his friends lately. We talked about anything and everything. It's really wonderful to have him back.
We talked about our future and decided that I probably won't move in with him and his mom right out of high school like we had originally planned. He really wants to get me out of my repressive household. But I know that I'll need time, at least until Kyle and I have enough money to buy a place together before I start over anywhere.
It... still terrifies me though. I don't want to leave my family and friends. Especially if Kyle's my only reason to move to a whole new town.
But granted, he's important enough for me to even consider the option. And that's a pretty big deal considering if it were anyone else, I would probably tell them that if they wanted me, they'd have to move here. XD
Apparently there is no way in hell he'd never move to my area. :c which sucks, because he actually does have other people he knows here besides me and it's bigger which could mean more opportunities. I don't know. He said it's too big for him but... his area is too small for me!
I mean, when I do move to his town, my city will only be an hour's drive away. Which isn't too bad but it still really sucks. Not to mention I get homesick REALLY easily.
Oh well. We have a year or two to figure things out.
I also haven't been doing much aside from staying at home and writing, or helping my mom run errands and taking care of my grandma. I'm still in my depression, but I'm slowly coming out and getting back to my usual happy self lolol.
I feel like I should be seeing more of my friends, but my mom and grandma need me.
Plus I haven't really been in much of an acceptable mood lol. I don't really want to bum my friends out or worry them when I'm so quiet or awkward. Well more so than usual depending in the friend haha. But I also don't want them to see my eating habits. :x which have been reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreally bad lately. One minute I'm starving myself, the next I'm binging out.
But I (think I) am going to see Kyle this Thursday for our one year anniversary. :D I think we're going to do something in my city first. Like see a movie maybe or go out to eat. I honestly have NO idea. Then I'm going to go home with him and stay the night again. c:
I need to start working on getting him some gifts. o;
Also, I haven't been very active in the past few days as you may have noticed. Well, there are some things going on that I'm dealing with. Like battling my current depression, self-destruction, etc.
But also, my grandfather is in the hospital. He had surgery today, I'm not sure what kind. But he's been in the hospital for a few days now and I've had to help out with taking care of my grandmother. She's very dependent on my grandfather so you can see how my grandfather's absence would be difficult. Basically I just keep up with my grandpa's garden and help with laundry and stuff. And my mom's been doing grocery shopping and stuff. So I've been busy with that.
... And I'll probably continue being busy. Until my grandpa recovers.
I shall return soon, with luck. c:
I realize that I haven't given a real update on life in a while. So here goes.
I'm just going to flat out say it. I'm not okay. I feel like I am suffocating. Like these insecurities are literally wrapping their evil little hands around my neck. Like I'm trapped in a sound proof room with no way out. No windows. No one to hear me scream.
All I ever want to do anymore is cry. Earlier, I was playing Uno with my family and I literally started laughing hysterically to stop myself from crying. I've cried myself to sleep these past few nights.
I just... hate myself.
I'm not a perfect "daughter." I'm not boyish enough. I'm not skinny enough. I'm not attractive. I'm not optimistic despite my efforts. I'm just worthless. I'm dirt.
I feel so wrong around my family. I cringe inside everytime my parents call me Kayla. Even if I were not transgender, I don't see myself as that dumb girl. I've grown up and cut almost all association with Kayla. When I was her, I was suicidal and depended on my abusive friend for happiness. I was also a pill popper. No, I'm not Kayla. Not anymore.
And I'm not a girl. Never really have been. I just wish they would listen...
I have been counting calories and working my ass off all summer to lose weight. And what have I lost? Not a single pound.
I thought I had my gender expression figured out. I thought that I had a whole new look for myself planned. But with the money issues my family is having and the unlikelihood of me getting a job, I doubt we'll have much money before school starts back up. And I mean... Kyle has offered to buy things for me, but I just wouldn't feel right. Not when I can barely buy him anything for our anniversaries and holidays. Not when he's bought so much for me already.
And it sucks because I want to spend the night with him again for our upcoming one year anniversary but for some reason, my mom doesn't seem to be so keen on the idea. Something about not having gas money to take me there, but my landlord (who took me down there last time) offered to take me back down there again if I just asked. I don't know. My mom is just strange, honestly.
And I'm lonely. I honestly can't decide whether that's my fault or not. I have people to talk to, but the only one I want to confide in is Kyle. And maybe Lyn and Nick but I can't get a hold of either of them. And while Kyle does listen to me, he's been busy lately and I don't want to be a bother. He tells me that I'm not and that I can always talk to him about these things but he worries about me enough. I don't want him to worry about me anymore until I know he can handle it.
Everyone always tells me how much I mean to them. And how I should stop being so hard on myself. But I just can't. I can never believe them about anything nice they say about me. I always feel like they just say these things out of pity, not from their hearts. Which I know my friends better than to lie about something like that. I just don't think I deserve their kind words.
Today, I did something self-destructive. I binged out on food. I ate as much as I could. I wanted to few lousy like I felt inside. That's something that's always been behind my self-harming.
I like to treat myself as a canvas. If I feel torn apart, I'll rip through my skin with razors. I like to see myself bleed. I like seeing the emotion slip from my body. Why? I'm not sure. I like to express myself, I guess.
No need to worry, I haven't cut or anything like that since last November. I don't see myself giving into temptation anytime soon... Though I would very much love to right about now.
I'm just so insecure. I'm always worried that Kyle's going to leave me or that I'll end up friendless next year at school. I'm so insecure that I'll get misgendered even more than usual. I'm so damn worried about anything and everything, and I just want to relax.
What I need is just a day away from life. A day of just meditation and relaxation and a day just to calm down and pamper myself. But I can't have that...
I know that this depression will pass. I do have hope of that. But the insecurities I have inside are always there in the back of my mind, even at my happiest of moments.
It's just something that happens.
I don't know. Hopefully Kyle will cheer me up tomorrow or I find something to take my mind off of it.
I feel like I'm losing Kyle.
I'm not sure exactly what is causing me to feel this way.
It's just that he's been acting strange these past few days. It's not anything major but I have noticed. He doesn't text me as often to check up on me. He doesn't tell me goodnight like he usual does. I don't know, there are a lot of things.
I don't know.
But with all of my insecurities, it sucks. I really hope this is the one thing I didn't screw up.
It's probably nothing. At least I hope it's nothing. I hope that I'm just paranoid over nothing, which does tend to happen often. I hope that I'm just being my usual self and overreacting.
I don't want to lose him.
I really love him. I'm utterly in love with him.
Please let me keep him here and happy with me. Please.
Like I said, there's probably nothing wrong so don't worry. But I just really needed to get this off my chest.
I talked to Kyle this morning and he admitted to acting a little strange. He said it was because he's been really tired lately. Plus now that I think about it, he has been pretty busy as well.
So I was just overreacting. >.<
He reassured me that he's still mine and I'm still his. And that he loves me, no question about it haha. He told me that there really was never any doubt about it. c:
So yeah, everything is okay now.