So after I got to calming down yesterday I feel so much better. I'm in a pretty decent mood.
I did more fawn makeup the night before yesterday night. Only this time, on my brother. (I've heard from at least a million people tht we really look alike and even a few people have mistaken him for me. We've also been thought of as twins o___o; he's younger by three years I dont really see that many similarities in us, but pff.) We were both really bored and he's always willing to let his older brother test makeup on him so. I am incredibly proud of it. :D.
I've decided that I'm going to make a fawn costume for the next renaissance faire, which I believe is sometime in September or October. n.n I just need to get better makeup products, figure out how to wear my glasses with it if I have to, and get a costume together. I'm thinking a white and pastel theme with the colors for the actual clothing and accessories. But it all depends on what color(s) my hair is by then. I'm hoping for dark burgundy with a streak of blue for the colder seasons but we shall see. :3
Also, I've finally compiled a new clear plot for a story. I've been wanting to write a story that I can really use my stronger elements in (which are fantasy and romance).
Another thing is that I've been considering the idea of starting a new world for a story that's events are completely dictated by the fans. Like I would come up with the characters and basic plot line, but the readers could comment and tell me what they'd like to happen to move the story along. But I'll only do so if I have a few people who are interested.
Tonight I'm going to work on posting in my RPs. Sorry to you guys who've been waiting. I just haven't been motivated and I don't want to half-ass a post. x.x I'll try to speed things up. I don't know why I take so long to get started on these things now.
Tomorrow, I'm going to go enroll for school. So weird to be a senior now. But I'm mostly scared because I'm really going to have to crack down this year on school if I want to graduate. I've got to makeup a semester of US history 1 (the teacher legitimately hated me. Not even kidding.) and a semester of math applications.
But I'm also quite excited. For one, I'll be in Special Art Production for drawing and painting. :D which means I get to set up my own projects and have a lot more freewill. My teacher, Mr. Kelly, is weird. He's funny though, and he cares a lot about his students. He's really weird and awkward. But that's probably why he's my favorite teacher. He's also my academy teacher so I see him everyday.
And I'm not quite sure if I have any drama classes this year, which saddens me. :c I absolutely love being in drama, but you had to audition to be in Repertory Theatre. And though I picked it as one of my top choices for classes, I just couldn't bring myself to audition. x.x I guess we'll see.
Oh! This Friday, I may be looking after my dad's girlfriend's daughter for the night. The girl is about my age, but she's mentally challenged. I've met her before (and she is really sweet) but I am a bit nervous about it. But according to my brother, she's super easy to keep an eye on.
Also I'll be getting paid so whatever I deal with should be worth it. cx
Well anyway, there's my ramble. cx I hope everyone has a good rest of their week. I'll be here if you need me, more than likely.
I have had one of the worst days of my life today.
Alright, well it all started when yesterday, my dad was going to enroll my brother and I into school. But we didn't have our shot records and we can't enroll without them. So my dad calls our health clinics and they tell us, that both my brother and I need two shots.
Okay well I'm absolutely terrified of needles. Like just at the thought of getting a shot or getting my blood drawn makes me feel sick. Everytime I've had to have a needle stuck in me, I have a panic attack, cry, and throw up then almost faint. It never fails, no matter what method I try. As long as I know it's happening, I'm panicking about it.
Well I didn't sleep last night at all because of the fear and the fact that I wasn't sleepy at a decent hour and I figured it would just be easier to stay up and get dressed and ready rather than sleep.
So I'd be feeling like I was sick because of it and I threw up twice this morning before we even left.
Well then we finally went to go, me and my mom and brother and the whole time, my mom is making fun of me because I should be mature enough to get shots because I'm the oldest child.
Another thing was that while we were in the car, my brother slipped up and called me Kyle in front of my mom (I'm out to my brother and he's quite supportive of me). So my mom turns to face him and says in the angriest tone: "shut the fuck up. Her name is Kayla, not Kyle. She's a girl, not a boy. Though despite what she seems to think."
so that really hurt.
Then we get to the place where my brother gets his shots. And I'm sitting in the hallway because I can't watch people get shots or I feel queasy or more queasy than I already was if it was possible. And while I'm outside I get up and lean against a wall. Well this kid runs by me and bumps into me. No big deal to me. But then the kid's mom comes up to me and gets in my face, saying that I was touching her kid and all this bs. And finally a doctor got her to leave me alone but that really pissed me off.
Then after that we get some burgers on the way to my clinic. I knew it was a bad idea to eat so I didn't have any breakfast but I was so hungry. So I ate the burger and then we got to my clinic.
And after we get there, my mom starts talking to the receptionist and my half-brother who is five/doesnt know when to shut up and was with us starts pointing at me to random people "that's my SISTER!! HER name is KAYLA!!" so I got embarrassed and started feeling even more sick so I ran to the bathroom and threw up. Then I cried my eyes out and hyperventilated for a good 15 minutes.
Then after texting Kyle, I calm down enough and step out. Then they tell me that I'm actually up-to-date on all of my immunizations.
So naturally I was pissed off, because I made myself sick, gave myself a panic attack and went through all this only to be told that I was fine.
Well we decided to head home so my mom could drop me off before taking my half brother to the doctor. And I get out of the car, but this wasp buzzes by and skims my arm. I screamed really loud and jumped out of my skin and of course, all my neighbors are staring at me.
So I just run inside and lay in bed for a moment. Then I kick my shoes off and go to get a glass of water. And of COURSE, I step in cat vomit.
THEN to make matters worse, I got my "time of the month" out of nowhere and it hit me HARD. Cramps so bad I couldn't move amongst other things. And I haven't had a thing since like October. (idk why. Mine has always been really irregular and abnormally heavy so)
At this point, I was just done with everything. I went back to bed an called Kyle to calm down and that worked.
Then a few hours later, I feel okay and I'm craving Chinese food. So I ask my mom about that and she says we can't afford it. Which is okay with me. But then my stepdad has to throw in his attitude: "DO YOU THINK WE HAVE ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD KAYLA." So I got pissed off and went to go take a nap.
Kyle called me to check on me because I wasn't online and we talked for a while and it was nice. For dinner I had tacos and I like tacos so I'm not complaining.
But then Kyle has to leave to hang out with a friend and I realize how damn lonely I am. I don't have anyone to hang out with at all and I can't talk to anyone. My anxiety prevents me from doing so.
I can't even go in public without freaking out. I found that out last night when I went to go grocery shopping with my mom. I felt all weak and my ears got hot like they do during an anxiety attack.
And last night I tried to talk to Nick (one of my best friends) and it just sucked. Because I can't talk to anyone over text. I always overthink my response and it sucks. And I can't keep a conversation going to save my life. So I basically kept changing the subject really oddly and he wasnt saying much back and I felt really awkward.
I just haven't seen much of anyone except Kyle this summer and now I can't talk to people. Kyle is trying to encourage me and get me to talk to people but I just can't.
So I'm just kind of left here feeling stressed out and lonely. I don't know what to do. I need... something to chill me out. I've had nightmares every night this month I think.
I love that I have Kyle but I don't want him to be the only person I talk to. And I know that he doesn't want that, either. It's really stressful and I feel like crying all the time.
In fact I am crying all the time.
Not to mention that I'm starting to doubt myself when it comes to getting on T in less than a year. If I can't handle a yearly vaccination, how am I going to handle getting a shot of testosterone every two weeks or month or whatever? I'm really scared that because of this fear I won't be able to do it. Not to mention that T is like $60 a dose. If I don't have my shit together, this could really cost me.
More than anything I want to be on T. I really do. And to realize that I may not be able to do something that I've waited years to do really sucks.
I just want to continue my transition. That's all I want.
But no, I'm too much of a fucking pansy to deal with the pain.
My grandparents on both sides of my family like to name the family members after animals. Like my half brother is a squirrel and my other brother is a dog and so forth.
Well, my nickname is deer. lol. Hence earning me the nickname of Bambi. (I don't think they realize that Bambi is a boy, so it's sort of a secret win for me.)
Anyway, being the lover of costume makeup that I am, I decided to do fawn makeup today.
I don't think it's the best I could've done, but it's certainly decent for my first try. I'll have to work on getting better products for it and finding antlers maybe and possibly putting together an outfit.
Let me know what you all think. c: so far I've only got good feedback on it.
So I'm back in action, I believe. :D
I'm feeling much better than I have in a while now. Hopefully I'll continue feeling good for a longer time, this time around.
I do have a lot of things on my mind, however. Well not a lot. But things. And they aren't too bad I guess.
One is that Kyle and I have figured out our living arrangements for the future. At least I think so. And I mean, they aren't totally thought out yet but we have gotten a general idea. Apparently I'm going to live in his town while he's in college straight after high school for a couple years or however long. Then we'll move to my city. cx
So I'm feeling a bit less stressed out about that.
Another thing is, a subject Kyle and I talked about not too long ago. We discussed about how ridiculously inexperienced I am when it comes to anything sexual. I'm too innocent. (I know, you're thinking WHAT HOW COULD KYLE BE TOO INNOCENT!?!?) it's true. Kyle's the first real boyfriend I've ever had.
He's been the first to kiss me, to cuddle me, everything.
So the other day, he literally had to explain what making out actually was to me. I felt so embarrassed. I mean for gods' sake, I'm an erotica writer. But I don't really know the terminology for this stuff. I have no idea what the bases are, or anything like that Dx.
I just write what I imagine would feel good. And plus, I don't write because I need masturbation material or anything like that LOL. I write porn because sex incorporates a lot of different emotions. I mean, writing porn is is a release for me (because I can't bring myself to masturbate). But that doesn't mean I'm an expert.
I never had anyone to really teach me these things. Yeah, I took Sex Ed in school but what does that really teach? All the physical stuff. Not so much the emotional parts or how to kiss or anything like. (Not that I really would want to learn from a class)
I grew up really sheltered. If I had a question about anything sexual, I was told to not worry about that. That I was too young to know about it. Well, now I'm a clueless 17 year old. Am I old enough now?!?!
It just really stresses me out. Because I would love to do things with Kyle but I'm so uneducated that I'm afraid that I'd embarrass myself. I'm afraid that I would mess up REALLY badly and end up turning him off. (I doubt he would be turned off, but I still have fears) I still barely have an idea of what to do when he kisses me. Let alone anything else. >.<
I mean, I know I'm the innocent, submissive boy. But how clueless can I be? holy hell.
Also when I went to see him, we did something new? I needed to change into my PJs for the night and I told myself I would change in front of him because I wanted him to see everything. My scars, stretch marks, imperfections, flaws, and all that. So I took off my shirt and he saw me in my chest binder. Now, my binder only goes down to my ribcage, so I exposed my stomach and shoulders and collarbone.
I'm really sensitive about people seeing my collarbone. When I used to self-harm, my deepest wounds I inflicted would be on my collarbone. Also, when I was 14 (??? maybe 15), my brother and I got into a physical fight. He punched me in the collarbone and dislocated it. And I never got it shoved back into place because I was afraid of the pain. It doesn't hurt anymore, but it's still off-center and weird looking imo.
But anyway, he told me he loved me and my body. That I was beautiful and ha-haaaaa-haaaaaawt LOL.
Then I took off my pants and he saw me in my boxers and that was something new. Because my ex bestfriend used to tease me about the scars on my thighs. But he still thought of me as attractive. n///n
Then he held me by my waist and usually I don't let people do that so he was the first one.
I used to burn myself on my sides and waist. And you could feel the marks through my shirt. So I would make sure people never touched me there. And though the marks aren't there anymore, I still feel really sensitive there.
So that was nice. :3
Then he decided to reveal himself to me (I had seen him in his boxers before, but never shirtless) and he was just so adorable omg.
So we just held eachother and yeah.
No one else had really seen me without that less of clothing on since my ex bestfriend and she judged me for a lot of things so it was a nice thing with Kyle. <3
Something else on my mind is how much I need to get out and do something. I need to hang out with people or at least talk to them. But I'm so shy that I can't bring myself to text/call/message anyone first. So I haven't really talked to anyone lately aside from Kyle. Which is really bad. Because I need to have a life outside of him. I know I'll be okay once I get back in school and such but summer is killing me. I've only hung out with like two of my friends this summer besides Kyle. Literally. Two people. And I've only seen the two of them twice each.
It sucks being too shy to talk to your friends. Because I'm sure someone could/would hang out with me if I would just gather enough courage to talk to them first. D: DAMN YOU SOCIAL ANXIETY!!!
I'm also kind of worried about my future. I got to thinking today, about me getting on hormonal replacement therapy. I should be able to start taking doses of testosterone when I turn 18. But I'm worried because in order to get the shots, you have to be diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder by a gender therapist.
And I'm worried because I'm afraid that my gender therapist (whoever that may be) won't take me seriously as being a transguy because of my femininity.
Kyle told me that it really just depends on how sure I am of my gender. Which, hell yes, I'm certain that I'm a male.
But I constantly, constantly constantly am having to prove to the world that I'm trans. Because no one believe that the girly little person I am is a dude.
I don't know. I suppose I'll cross that bridge if and when I get to it.
Anyway, there's your update on mah life. This feels like a really long post. Jeez.
Also I'm REALLY hooked on The Venture Bros. lately. So if anyone wants to nerd out with me about that, feel free!! :D
Aaaaand I'm still taking requests and art trades. TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS, PEOPLE.
I hope everyone has a lovely week~
You know what really fucking sucks??
When you're super happy about everything, and the way life is going. Then just all of a sudden jealousy hits you and you don't feel joyful anymore.
I'm jealous. Of a lot of people. Of everyone I know.
I envy the people who can stand up for themselves. I envy the people who just go for what they want. The people who are confident in themselves. The people who don't have to mentally prepare themselves for hours just to say hi to someone. The people who can just be themselves without fear. The people who don't need anyone's approval to feel validated in life. Those who can make their loved ones happy. Those who just react on impulse without worrying about the outcome.
It just hurts. It hurts feeling like a damn anxious loser most of the time. And I'm such a jealous mess. People always tell me how I'm so sweet. If I'm so sweet why do I get so maliciously jealous... of everyone.
I always overreact to everything. I constantly make a fool out of myself. I get so embarrassed that I want to die really easily over things that other people could forget in an instant.
Like why do I have to be so damn anxious all the time. For god's sake, I can't even correct people when they misgender me. I can't order food or pay for my own stuff because I don't like talking to strangers. I can't say excuse me, or sorry, or thank you, or anything. Which makes me appear rude but I just can't bring myself to say anything.
Whenever I try, I have a stupid panic attack. I literally feel my heart start racing and I get nauseous and weak-kneed. My whole face and my ears even get really hot and red. I end up on the verge of tears and I stammer a lot and don't even make any sense.
Like not too long ago, I went to a pizza buffet place with my family. And the place was so crowded with people. I couldn't even bring myself to go get food.
And my parents literally just laughed at me. They made fun of me. Then told me that I'll have to get rid of my "shyness" as they call it, once I'm in the "real world."
Okay. NO SHIT. I know that. They really think that I choose to be this "shy"?!?!
No. It's not even shyness. Shyness simply delays your progress in talking to people. No, I'm not shy. I have an anxiety disorder. Meaning that I literally canNOT talk to people. It STOPS me from doing things because I'm so afraid of socializing.
And it isn't just social anxiety either. Though that is a big part of it. I have anxiety over EVERYTHING. And I mean EVERYTHING.
I just... hate everything about me. I can't name one thing that I like about myself.
I don't want to be like this anymore.
Just a rant. I'll be alright. After a nap.
I just really needed to vent. Sorry about that.
In other news. I recently dyed my hair. It's like a red-ish brown color. I really like it. I also re-styled my bangs sort of. I haven't gotten a good picture of it yet though. So that'll come eventually.
Well... I guess I do have a picture of me with my boyfriend. I don't really look so great in it, though but oh well.
We were being really gay and wearing eachother's shirts. lol. Like I said, I don't really like how I look but it's a cute picture I think. I'll take a better one of myself later.
My boyfriend is adorable in case you didn't know. <333
Ah my grandpa is finally out of the hospital and my mom is back to work so I guess I have more time on my hands. So if you'd like to request me or art trade with me, go right ahead.