School is cancelled tomorrow because they believe it will snow. Or has snowed. I haven't looked outside to see if it snew. snew. I know that it's "snowed" but I typed snew first. cx
I've been working on project(s) for Special Art Production. My theme for the rest of my projects for the semester is "fantasy", and currently I'm experimenting with using watercolor. I've used it before, but I'm really really really a terrible painter. Any other media, I can use fine. Give me any kind of paint, you'll end up with a mess. >.<
Right now I'm working on a painting of a pretty leaf elf boy. He's great.
I've started a Valentine's Day story as well. It's a fluffy romance. :3 I'll post it here when it's finished.
So my mood has been weird lately. I'm either upset and insecure, or pissed off and sassy. o_O Jason and I have been talking about my confidence or rather, lack of confidence.
It led to me questioning my gender expression. Again.
Basically, Jason asked me if I liked my own fashion sense. I said that I do, but not really because I myself can't wear what I want to wear. He asked why. And I told him that a lot of times, I feel I'm not allowed to wear something because a) I don't feel attractive enough or b) I want to wear it but it'll make me easier to misgender than usual. He asked if passing as male was important to me. I said yes. He suggested I try more men's clothing. I explained that I do like men's clothing, but I like women's clothing just as much. I told him that I don't want to change just to fit someone else's definition of a boy. Which led to him asking me if maybe I'm agender or androgynous instead of entirely a boy.
I've put a lot of thought into that idea. But the thought of anyone referring to me with pronouns that aren't male-oriented makes me sick. It just doesn't feel right. And I want to transition, I want a male body.
It sickens me that I will never be seen as I am unless I change. It makes me want to cry.
Like anyone else in this damn world, I just want to be accepted as I am.
I'm literally stuck. I'm in a lose-lose situation. If I change, I will not be true to myself and I'll be unhappy. If I be myself, I'll never be seen as a boy.
I feel hopeless.
Jason went on to tell me that I can wear dresses and such, but maybe not so much in public. Which makes me upset because if I feel pretty, I'm obviously going to want to show it off. And I'm not allowed to feel confident in who I am. Not in public. Thank you society.
But I do have some reassurance after today.
My boyfriend is really into femboys and is supportive of me, no matter how I dress. He just doesn't want me to be misgendered, because it kills me everytime.
And a couple of my friends, Leila and Rikki told me that they don't even think of me as trans. Which is a lovely compliment honestly.
Idk. I've been struggling with this conflict internally for some time now. Maybe I'll figure it out some day. Maybe I won't.
I identify as a femboy. A boy that cross-dresses. A makeup-wearing, flower-picking boy. This is how it is. I don't know if it will change. But this is me.
Anyway yeah. I'm still feeling under the weather about my appearance. After I get over being sick, I'm cracking down on my weight loss. I'm sick of being obese. Like, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being big if you're confident in your body. I definitely do support and believe in "big and beautiful". I believe you can look however you want as long as you own it.
But I'm not confident this way. So I have to change it.
Another thing I want to change is how people see me. I want to be the cute and sweet one. It's... kind of too late for that now, though. v~v everyone already sees me as being rude and vulgar. Oh well.
This post turned out much longer than I expected. :L merrrr.
I'm going to disappear now. Ttyl.
Alrighty, well. I'm feeling much better than I did from my last post. In a better mood, at least. My self-confidence is at a new low, however. Maybe I'll feel better soon. Maybe I won't. I don't know.
I'm not entirely sure what's come over me. But I'm so unhappy with my appearance. I think it could just be that I'm sick. I need a spa day. My skin is sandpaper. My lips are really dry and have sores all over. I'm broke out in acne. My hair is too long to style and make it look good, and the color is very flat.
I'm not feeling too good about my body, either. I've given up on my diet for now. But when I get to feeling better, I'm gonna diet and exercise like hell.
I've had to get back on taking my iron supplement pills. Can't remember if I told you all this, but I've been bruising really easily lately, been really sore. I have bruises all over (which I wouldn't mind if they were boyfriend-inflicted xD), it's not fun.
I've also been frequently getting nosebleeds at random times. o_O I think it's because of the dry air in my room though. I still wish it would stop. x.x
I've been working a lot on my Senior Project. :3 designing costumes and such. It's going quite well. I'm excited to execute it.
My grades are so low. >.< but it's because I've been sick.
A LOT of bad luck has come my way lately. I'm really struggling to even get the motivation to get out of bed, now. I feel like I might be depressed again. I hope not. I hope this is simply a temporary sadness.
My boyfriend has been a lot of help though, and I'm so thankful for him. Without him, I don't think I'd be doing much of anything anymore.
Currently, I'm spending my weekend watching Season Two of Game of Thrones. I rented it :3 I'm a little more than half way done with it. I've been obsessively watching it since yesterday after school.
Oh~ so I don't think I've mentioned this. But I'm interested in natural healing, massage therapy, palmistry, and making my own spa treatments and medications, etc. I've still got some research to do on these things. But I've decided that these things are going to become some part of my future. I plan to do it on the side of my acting and writing and art careers. I'll do it out of my own home and being a merchant at the renfaire. n.n
Along with the natural healing, I've decided that I'm going to begin my path in Witchcraft. (Yes, a male witch. And btw, witch is the term. Not warlock/wizard. Those are different meanings) Call me crazy, but things have been leading me to it. It doesn't mean that my religion (whatever that may be) is changing. I don't claim to be a Wiccan, or pagan (unless the connection becomes clear to me).
It's just that, I've always been very superstitious. Always. And I believe in magic and luck and karma, most definitely. I feel that Witchcraft would help me to feel more at ease with my own energies.
But I'm not just jumping into this. I have much to research and discover. And I need to get my life back on track first. But just know, this is a thing that is almost certainly happening.
Anyway, I'm always here if anyone needs me or wants to talk. I'm going back to watching GOT. :3
This is not going to be a happy post. You have been warned. I need to vent and rant and it makes me feel better, knowing that my thoughts are out there so.
I hate myself. I hate myself so much. With a passion. I hate everything about myself. I hate my appearance. I hate my personality. I hate how I act in front of people.
I can't be happy. I just can't. I've tried so many times. I keep trying. But I'm just not allowed to be happy. I can try and try but it doesn't matter. No matter how happy I am, it never lasts for more than a day or two. It only lasts until I'm alone with myself.
And you know what? I don't deserve to be happy anyway. I'm the worst person. I'm the worst son/daughter, the worst friend, the worst boyfriend. I'm just a lowlife moron. I'm rude and mean and I take out my anger and sadness on everyone else. I'm vulgar and disgusting and insecure.
I know everyone tells me "oh I love you Kyle you're none of those things" and I believe that YOU think that. But I don't. I don't deserve such kind words. I don't.
I am worth absolutely nothing. I only bring trouble to those I care for. I feel terrible for it and I try so hard to just be okay.
I'm not okay anymore. I'm not saying I'm suicidal or in immediate danger... But there definitely is no way that I'm okay right now.
I need a break from life.
Not much is happening here. Just in pain from my iron deficiency. But it's alright, I got some supplement pills so hopefully I won't be taken over by bruises for too much longer.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm open for art trades/requests of almost any kind. If anyone is interested, let me know. :3
have a couple of selfies. o.e
Roller coaster lifeeeee.
Literally. I'm so up and down, feeling FANTASTIC one moment, and stressing the hell out the next. It really sucks.
Right now, I'm sick. Again. I was fine for the weekend (for the most part) but now I can't stop coughing and it's made me so weak and sore. It hurts to move at all. I stayed up until like 4am, coughing up a lung, and I woke up for school like twenty minutes late so I just said fuck it. -w-
I had a pretty terrible day yesterday. I went to school, even with as sick as I am. I got made fun of for COUGHING. -.- like are you kidding me? This guy was like "you're gonna get us all sick. why are you even here. if you're that sick you need to go home you dumb fuck." really??
the rest of the day just sucked because I felt horrible.
Then I got home and my clothes are disappearing. v.v not even kidding. I'm missing half of my wardrobe. My mom and I searched the entire house like five times. My clothes are just... gone. v~v And it really upset me and just set me off yesterday. I literally just cried on my bed for two hours.
But life is good in some aspects. I finally got to see my boyfriend last weekend. >//w//< it was really fun~ we went to see Frozen (I loved it a LOT.) then we went back home and watched both the insidious movies. ;-; I love them but I didn't handle the 2nd one very well xD I wanna watch it again now that I know what's coming and really absorb the movie. For the most part, we just watched stuff. :3 which is nice. It's what we do everytime I come over.
We, uhm, made out (for the first time) for like an hour. /)///( I've really got to learn how to breathe, though. >.< I had to keep pulling away for a breath. I get really focused on the kiss itself that I forget to breathe hahaha. .-.
But nevertheless, it was awesome. *///*
We talked about our little kinks and such and how we could try to get into one another's. :3 he told me that he enjoys boys with bruises/scratches/etc, and I told him like I definitely wouldn't mind being bruised/scratched/especially bitten. >.< it would be like little marks of ownership. Which I would absolutely adore.
And he is taking an interest in my heartbeat fetish. o///o we talked about owning a stethoscope and omg. It's funny how I was so afraid of him being weird about it, but he's actually very accepting and even embracing of it.
But anyway, yeah. :3 I had a great weekend.
Now if I can just survive this illness and finally get back into school mode, my life would be perfect. >.<
-Kyuuuu. (That's what my adorable little Chinese friend Li calls me. so cute!)