Hey guys! Sorry that my last post was quite depressing. In all honesty, the situations haven't gotten much better. But they haven't gotten any worse so that's good. :D
I'm just trying to keep my head above the water, here.
So I'd like to post more artwork in my art world but a lot of the pictures I take of my work is too big for TheO and it drives me crazy! Because I'd really like you all to see how much I've improved over the years. I've worked really hard. I'm still trying to develope my own style but it still leans towards anime >.>
As much as I do love anime, I feel it was trapping me in this little bubble of what is anime and what isn't anime. And artwork should never feel trapped D: plus, not to sound like a hipster but drawing anime is also too easy and too popular where I'm at in life and I would prefer to stand out among the rest.
So today is technically May the 4th and I must nerd out today!! I mean hello, Star Wars :D so I'm going to prolly rent a lot of movies and such to geek out on all day or something. Even though I'm suppose to clean. Oh well fuck the rules. I DO WHAT I WANT I MAKE MY OWN RULES I'M A FREE BIRD I CAN'T BE TIED DOWN
May the 4th also means that I only have two days left until my boyfriend turns 17. It's so hard shopping for significant others XD; especially when they're the same type of nerd that you are. O___o my boyfriend is into like everything I'm into. And pff, I never know what I want for my birthday except hairdye XD
Speaking of hairdye, I dyed my hair BRIGHT MOTHERFUCKING RED last month for the Renaissance faire. It was so cool and neon but now it has faded to a pinkish color. Which I'm okay with. Pink always looks good on me.
I'm going white-blonde whenever this color fades or I get bored of it. Then I may possibly dye the bangs a neon color because my face tends to look really flushed and red when it's blonde (I've been blonde several times now). I'm thinking straight up green because it's like the only color I haven't tried. Either that or mint.
OH~ and I'm working on a different story. Because I kind of well, the other story about fairies and such ended up being pissed on by my cat X'D and it's funny now, but at the time I was ANGERED BEYOND BELIEF. Anyway, after that I realized how stupid and unorganized it was so now I'm trying something different.
This story falls more in the sci-fi genre than usual and takes place in the post-apocalyptic future. It deals with Angels, Demons and nephilim and humans. :P the story also revolves around a curse and such. It's a 'yaoi story' as my friends call it. But really, this is a story I've had in my head for a while now and I don't feel like I should change the characters to be considered 'acceptable'. And I won't. C:
ANYWHORE, i'm taking requests and art trade so don't be shy. [:
Well, to begin this post: As some of you may or may not know, I suffer from a major social anxiety disorder. Meaning I flip shit at the way people act around me and just being around people on general. It's very rare for me to be able to go a day without being extremely nervous at least one point of the day. I tend to overanalyze everything. It's like being the tiniest spec of dirt on the floor during a dance. I feel crippled and paranoid of others. I know that they're all making fun of me. I'm afraid of being judged for how I look, how I dress, "do I look like a boy enough today?"
Since I was in 6th grade, I used to cut out of depression. No one ever knew because I cut on my shoulders and collarbone and always wore t-shirts. I kept this a secret. I never told anyone, not even Ashley who used to be my closest friend up until this year. Someone called me ugly? draw blood. Did I piss someone off? another cut. Failed a class? bleed some more. It felt like the only thing I deserved was pain. So I inflicted to myself the pain I felt inside. The pain I felt they wanted to deliver to me. But at the same time it was an escape. Because It was the only pain I could control. If I could hurt myself, why should it matter how others treated me? But it only caused me to have even more issues.
Because of being gender-confused, I'd burn myself. I would take a fork or hair clip or whatever the closest metal object o could use and heated it with a flatiron and pressed it to my skin. I did this every time I thought of myself being a boy or anything that wasn't me conforming to the gender binary. I was trapped, and to burn was to punish myself for questioning why I was trapped.
And finally, the bulimia. My mother, though much better now, constantly told me I was too fat. Because she wanted me to follow in her footsteps of at least being model-material. But I was never pretty enough, never skinny enough. So I would eat and then force myself to throw up. It seemed to be the only way I could feel at peace with eating after my mother's insults.
To this day, I am entirely recovered from burning myself. Now that I have fully accepted myself as being a trans* male, as being Kyle, I am so much happier.
Bulimia is still somewhat of a struggle. But rarely. Occasionally I go a few days without eating because I feel like I don't need to. Like every bite is just going to make me bigger. Every bite making me even more of an ugly and fat person.
As of October, I threw out my razors. But the urge to cut still remains. I just want to see blood dripping down my collarbone like I feel I deserve. The stinging sensation gives me a moment of destructive relief.
So this week, I've been having more urges to cut. The stress of school and the anxiety of everyone around me drives me insane. Especially since my two best friends are going through hell... It makes me feel despaired because neither of them deserve what is happening to them and besides my boyfriend, they are the two people I care about the most in this world.
Lyn is my girl best friend. She's very strong-willed and sarcastic. She's gone through a lot in her life but she always manages to pull through. She's very devoted and she cheers me up in the mornings if I'm not feeling too well.
This week, for the first time since we've been friends, I saw her cry.
See, she had been fucking this guy for a week until she decided that she had fallen for him. They had even friends for a long time so it's not like it was anything new. Anyway, the two got together, and stayed together for about a month. She was happy. And I was happy for her. But then, suddenly, the guy's ex-girlfriend, who he swore that he was done with, told Lyn to back off the boyfriend. Basically, Lyn was the other woman in this situation. And normally, Lyn wouldn't have been broken by this except...
Lyn's pregnant. With his child.
Well, it was bad enough about that. But at lunch yesterday, Lyn came to me, unusually silent. She sat down beside me and passed me a note saying: "I think I just had a miscarriage."
I blinked, unknowing what to say. I had only know that she was pregnant for two days. I stared at the note, then crumpled it up out of frustration and hugged her. She cried in my shoulder and I held her until she felt okay. I allowed her to use my phone and broke out in anger because when she told her boyfriend of the happenings, he called her a baby killer and won't speak to her at all anymore.
I just want to fucking rip him apart.
And then there's Nick. It's actually kind of funny about the two of us being best friends. Nick used to date my ex best friend Ashley. But he broke up with her and a month later I stopped being her friend. At first, I hated him for breaking her heart but now I understand. Nick and I understand each other a lot. We both have problems with anxiety and self-harm. We both relate to having feelings of self-destruction and the pleasure it can bring and we get each other on an emotional level. We can make each other laugh and not feel so alone.
But now, it's a high possibility he has cancer in his leg. And though he's trying to remain as happy as possible, I see through it. I know about his previous suicide attempts. And I just... I don't want him to let himself go because of the cancer... I don't want him to see it as an escape. I want him to fight. Fight until he has nothing more to give. Fight until he wins.
But I'm not sure he will.
If not for my boyfriend, I... I don't think I would be here at all. He has cheered me up on numerous occasions and he makes me feel loved and like I'm special. I don't know what I would do without him. He's the only one who hasn't left me when I became too much for him to handle. He doesn't give up on me. He's so perfect that I get terrified of the thought of losing him everyday. I always think he doesn't deserve the shit I put him through. But he swears to me that he'll stay and that's why I love him the most.
Sorry for the rant, I just.. I feel lost.
Picture of me from Tuesday. Just incase you wanted to know. Haha.
Also just a warning, I shall be posting quite a few posts in my art world in a moment
EDIT: I have now created a world just for my artwork that I can post from my phone.
I'll upload some work when my phone stops being difficult. ^_^
A World of Glitter and Lead
I just feel like spilling out some random thoughts of mine. :D derp.
Okey,, well. I've been workiing on a new story. I'm quite serious about it. I've never been one to plan out stories, but this one I've got pretty much figured out. I plan on making progress with it everynight until I complete the first draft, then taking a break from it to complete a fanservice story for my friends. And once that's finished, I'll rewrite my new story and continue to rewrite it until I find it perfect. n.n
The story is about two kingdoms of Faeries, a war, and a love triangle (well, more like a love octagon. XD) between my main character Tahlia, her best friend Nyx, and her betrothed Kael. And yes, you read that right, a girl main character. lol
That's all I want to say about it for now, but if you're interested in it, I'll be posting the first draft in my new world Glass Moon ; Paper Stars (the title of the story) whenever I'm actually online again. (I'm on my phone at the moment.)
Glass Moon ; Paper Stars
OH, and you know something I hate? Family portraits. They just look so fake and unnatural and I don't know. Something about them just really creeps me out beyond belief. XD
I prefer pictures taken with my friends. Or boyfriend. x3 I like capturing the true essence of a person.
Which reminds me-- the Spring Renaissance Festival is coming up. I'm making my boyfriend dress as an elf annd I'm going to be a fire faerie. Not that he minds, though. He's as big a renfaire nerd as I am. <3
I've been working on our costumes, and I'm super proud of them. I've got most of mine together, but I need to get my boyfriend over here so we can go shopping.
:( I love my boyfriend to death, but it sucks we only get to see eachother MAYBE once a month. We live an hour apart. D: Hopefully he'll be here on St. Patrick's Day, so we can go to the parade. :3
We've been dating for nearly 8 months, now. x3 <3
Oh, I'm also in a one-act/play next month. It's a comedy about people trying to get a job at an office. My character is Ira, a straight dude (how I got this part, I'll never know LMAO) who's a total slacker.
I need to dye my hair before I preform, though. As much as I love being a feminine boy with pink-orange hair, I need to /look/ a bit more masculine. lolol
I'm gonna go bright red/crimson (or as bright as I can get it) so it'll go wwith my fire faerie costume for the renfaire. It's the only color I've never done because I always tried to avoid it. Red hair is sooooo mainstream. -rolls eyes.- XD
Anyway, I should probably end this but there's your update on mah life. cx
-with love, Kyle. c:
Oh wow, I can logon and post here from my phone. o.o However it is difficult to type like this. So it prolly won't happen much.
Anyway, I'm considering myself snowed in.
Now that I can, here's a recent picture of me, incase anyone was wondering how I look these days. lol
I had an awful day yesterday and I just feel like complaining. XD
So it started off pretty good. I had Drama class with my friends and all we did in there was play improv games because everyone in that class doesn't need to take the final. WHOO. lol there's only like 8 people in there.
cx Anyway. So then I went to my Seminar class, and that was okay too, just talked to my friend Lyn. Then Drawing and Painting came and my teacher gave me all my artwork back from the year. So I had to carry these huge projects with me everywhere. -___-
And then lunch went alright, hung out with my friends Cassidy, Haley and Carli. Like usual.
Then, during Baking&Pastry, I got called to the office. Which I was hoping for, so I could talk to someone about getting my schedule changed for next semester. And the lady I talked to was really RUDE about it. She asked why I wanted it changed, and I told her it was because I'm doing poorly in Photography class and I'm trying my hardest. I was hoping I could get switched to a different class-- like a credit that I need to make up. And she was just like, "NO. NO. NO." And for whatever reason, that made me cry in front of the bitch. >.<
But then I guess she felt bad so we talked it out and I'm going to try to switch to some Illustration class. But I'll have to take extended school during January to make up for my missing US History 1 credit, AND my Algebra 2 credit (if I don't manage to bring my grade up)
Then I got to my next class and I was okay. I kept dropping all my stupid projects everywhere and embarrassing myself. School let out and on my way out, I dropped my stuff... twice. Then right after I picked them up, I dropped my phone. -__- I was just so DONE with my stuff XD So I threw my bag down the hallway and just like shouted, "I AM DONE!"
OH, and then I got home. e_e So I found something to eat and watched TV for a while, then went to put my phone on the charger and take a shower. WELL, my charger didn't wanna work, so I had to BEG my stepdad for a new one. :x
But the thing that happened that REALLY set me off?
My chest binder, which was given to me back in... October? by a friend, for free, BROKE. I came back into my room from my shower and I saw it lying on my bed, with the shoulder strap ripped... I was so upset.
My breasts make me so insecure, as a Transguy and my binder helps me to conceal and flatten them. But it was ripped. :( And I can get through a day with ALL that shit before, but this was just too much. So I just called my boyfriend and vented and cried and he made me feel better.
I think it could be an easy fix if I get my friend to sew it back together or maybe I'll just take the straps off of it entirely. I don't know. All I know is that I really, really, really need it fixed...
Anyway, I feel better now but the chest binder thing is still really upsetting me.
I'll be okay.