Today's the last day with my phone and internet.
So after the terrible news yesterday, I've been feeling really bummed. I know that it might seem like I'm being a spoiled brat: crying over not having a phone. But it's not the phone I'm crying over. It isn't the Internet or the games or anything like that. It's the fact that my phone is my only communication with anyone outside of my home.
God, I'm going to miss you guys so much.
So Kyle and I are going to be sending each other things through the mail at least once a week. I get to go spend the night with him on Monday. That's probably the only thing I'm feeling happy about, right now.
He constantly is reassuring me that he's here to stay and he isn't going anywhere and I believe him but I'm so insecure. I just... love him so much. And I know, you're thinking, "oh god another rant about your boyfriend" and you would be right.
It's just that, he's never left me. He's the only one who's ever stood up for me and was there when I need him. He's the only one I've never gotten bored with. Unlike my past boyfriends, he's never made me feel like second best or treated me like dirt. I've always been that one friend that people use and step all over but he doesn't take advantage of me.
He makes me laugh when I can't bring myself to smile and while he doesn't glorify them, he embraces my scars.
I just don't know how I'm going to deal. He tells me that I'm strong enough on my own but I'm fearful. I don't want to disappoint him-- or myself, especially myself-- if I relapse back in self-harm.
I'm also worried about losing all of my friends. /: without being able to contact them, I'm afraid that I won't be able to see them much anymore. I rarely get out to see them as it is, but I'd still like to have a chance. And I like to know how everyone's doing.
This whole thing just sucks.
I don't know how long it's gonna last. That's what irks me the most. I mean, I'll be back on TheO when school starts. But what about my social life outside here? Or the friends who don't go to my school? I could be without contact for the rest of summer...
I don't know. I'm tired and emotional and really sad right now. I know everything will be okay but damn. :c
I love you all. If you'd like to mail me to keep in touch, you can PM me if you'd like. n.n
Well, our phone company is charging us $400. So my parents can't afford that.
I'll no longer have a phone after Monday.
I am literally falling apart right now.
My phone is my only contact with my boyfriend and my friends. I don't have a computer or anything at all.
I don't know when I'll be back. Probably not for quite a long time.
We won't have any phones available at all so there goes my social life. There goes my sanity.
I don't know how I'm gonna be able to talk to Kyle anymore. If I am able to, which is more than likely not.
I'm so fucking done.
I guess this is goodbye again. This is more than likely my last post.
So my mom said that this situation is just temporary. I'm not sure when I'll be able to be back online after Monday. I'm not sure if we're switching phone companies or what. I'm also not sure that I'll have the Internet or be able to post.
But when I get back to school I'll be able to post because I usually get there about an hour early.
I'm feeling a lot better. I talked to my boyfriend and he cheered me up and reassured me that he would stay with me (I was really worried he would break up with me due to the loss of contact) and find ways to talk to me. Our last resort is gonna be mailing each other letters and stuff LOL talk about the stone ages. It's gonna be tough not being able to talk to him everyday. Especially if I'm really breaking down like today. I'm really hoping that I can find someway to at least be able to call him once before I go to bed or something.
Hopefully this situation doesn't last too long.
I'm really bummed out but I think I'll be okay. At least I hope so.
Hello once again, TheO members. :D
So I've been thinking about my beliefs lately. I've always been extremely superstitious and very much believing in karma. .-.
My beliefs about the world are strange, and a bit hard to understand so just try to keep up with me here. (I'll try to be clear!)
I (loosely) believe in
the Greek gods. I believe that they created the world. But, after seeing how atrocious mankind has become, the gods have given up. And they are no longer here for mankind, but only for those who are truly in touch with the elements and nature and the things that are connected to them.
If that makes any sense whatsoever.
Now, I don't consider myself one of those few people. I consider myself an atheist/agnostic because I don't believe the gods are here anymore. I do however, like I stated above, that I believe in superstition and luck and karma. I have my own little superstitions. Like with my mismatched socks. I always wear the one I like the best of the two on my right foot, for example. XD
So I've been looking into that. Though I'm not too worried about it. I just want to believe in what I naturally believe in, not something that I have to convince myself to believe. Maybe I'm just not mature enough yet. I don't know. But I'm patient. I just want it to come to me. c:
So there's that.
Yesterday I got to see Kyle again, for a short time. We went to a craft store for a bit, then went to lunch with his dad. His dad is pretty cool. It kind of worries me how Kyle's parents and my parents are both okay with us dating, but even though I'm comfortable around his parents, I would never be okay with just hanging out with my parents and Kyle together. I mean, my parents like Kyle, they think he's a nice fellow. But Kyle isn't too fond of them. Because of the way they treat me, and they don't accept me as trans*. So it's kind of awkward with my boyfriend referring to me as a boy yet my parents see me as their daughter.
I hope one day, they'll come around. I really do. I always say I hate them, but I don't. I love my parents, as non-accepting as they are. Honestly, my dad is really cool and my mom is funny. And they would be absolutely perfect if they could just open their eyes and smell the coffee. I don't need them to understand. I just need them to want me to happy. That's all I ask.
Aside from the usual anxieties, I'm in a good mood lately. Very much in love honestly. >///< me and my boyfriend's one-year mark is coming up next month. I'm excited. I'm going to try and convince my mom to let me stay the night with him for the first time hopefully.
It's kind of funny. Kyle and I have been together all this time, yet we're still at the stage of just pecking each other on the lips and cuddling. Now, I have no problem with the cuddling because uhm, it's perfect lol. But the kissing, I don't know... I want to kiss him. To really and truly kiss him. But he's afraid to offend me by making the move (because he knows how innocent I am lol) and I'm too shy. XD I don't want to make out or anything (yet). Well I mean I do but I want that to happen spontaneously lmao. I just want to hold him and kiss him with at least an ounce of passion. Is that so bad? X///D
Oh, I've been really ITCHING to play an RPG game. Final Fantasy. Either Tactics, or number nine. I have both of them for PS1, but I keep forgetting to ask my brother to grab them when he goes to my dad's lol. I just want to get lost in a fantasy world. And since I have no money to rent movies, and I owe like $13 on my library card, video games are the next best. x3
I recently read Warrior by Marie Brennan. It's interesting but I'm not too big of a fan. The characters are lovable but I couldn't really get too attached. The world they live in has potential, though. It's honestly not too bad of a read, but I don't feel the love I usually feel after reading a book. I don't crave getting the next book in the series. D:
I've been trying to write some stories of my own, but I'm so blocked it's not funny. I haven't written much all summer and it's killing meeeee. :c I know I want to write something kind of smutty (like usual) but really convicting. I want to write something with tension and fantasy. But I've yet to find out much of a plot.
I've come up with a few potential characters but I'm not sure. x.x
Okay, well I suppose I'm going to wrap this up. n.n
Have a nice day~
Hello you wonderful people. c:
Well I just came to update on life.
Yesterday I went to my friend's birthday party. I was really scared because I was going to be among a lot of strangers but they all turned out to be really cool, despite my awkward presence. C:
I'm currently learning how to belly dance!! It's really exciting and confidence boosting and honestly just all around fun. I think I mentioned very vaguely once that I want to be a dancer. Well. I'm learning stuff off of YouTube and I'm doing so very well. I obviously haven't been the physical type since I was at least 9 or 10. I used to be a cheerleader and decent basketball player. Now... Not so much. I've been wanting to learn to dance for at least a good two years now but I've always been afraid that I was too uncoordinated. But honestly, I've never felt so confident in anything like this before. n.n
As it is con season, I'm working on quite a few costumes. Anime Festival Wichita (the con closest to me I think) is next month. I'm not actually cosplaying but I'm dressing as a wolf-thing. LOL. I'm going to wear my wolf ears and tail and dress a bit tribal-like. Either that or I'm going to be a uke neko. Depends on how I feel. I'm really excited. I've never been to an anime con before. The only reason I can go this year is because my boyfriend is paying LOL.
Then there's the fall renaissance faire in September I believe. I'm going to collaborating with Kyle's family friend with a new faerie outfit once I buy or make some new wings. My wings from the last faire are basically toast. As much as I love them I must let them go. :c
The only picture I could really find of them. And yes, that is me kissing my boyfriend very unexpectedly <///< LOL
I'm still deciding on my 2nd costume. I'm thinking squire or a pirate to change things up. Last faire I was a faerie then an elf warrior thing. lmao.
It was awesome because since I never have much money to use on costumes (I save as much as I can for the faire itself), that I found a way to use scotch tape and makeup to make elf ears. It was awesome and I got a lot of compliments on them from lots of people.
Then, I need to work on Steampunk stuff before November. If I go all three days, I'm planning a steampunk scientist version of Prince Gumball, a Lolita doll boy, and an airship pirate.
I may also be working on some cosplays: Prince Gumball for sure (my boyfriend is going to cosplay Marshall Lee and we have a Finn and Fionna :D), probably male/human Fluttershy and/or Rarity.
I also have a Jack Skellington cosplay like 90% done. (Last Halloween c; also, ignore the person on the right. This was taken before she became a cunt).
I'm working on Victor from Corpse Bride too.
I'm thinking of starting a new RP world dealing with Vikings. :U or just a Renaissance setting in general. It's my strong suit.
Oh and if you'd like to request or art trade with me, PLEASE FEEL FREE.
lol it's like 4am and I'm hyper as hell so please excuse me if this post makes like no sense LOL.
oh and I got a much-needed haircut :3
I'm going to go blonde or burgundy hopefully very soon. n.n
I LOVE ALL OF YOU.
I'm sorry that I use this world to rant, it's just the only place I can post things like that aside from Facebook haha. >.< and I don't need people worrying about me to the point of an intervention or something. Everyone seems to think, that since I'm now open about my struggles with self-harm, that I've become some kind of self-destructive monster. Which isn't the case. I still have control over myself.
So my last post, I just... My boyfriend (I should really stop referring to him as just my boyfriend. LOL. He has a name.) and I were discussing the fact that I don't wear much makeup anymore. And he jokingly said that I was taking a step in a manly direction. I told him that I wasn't sure if I liked it, because I feel like I'm conforming to society's idea of male, that I'm not expressing myself in my appearance.
I guess what I mean is, I don't want to dress "just like a boy." I want to be able to wear my makeup and knee-high socks and shorts. I want to keep my hair a bit long. The only hair colors that look nice on me are light colors so I'm going blonde soon. I don't want to have to change what I want just to be able to be called my correct gender. I have a personality. A very feminine one. "Transgender" isn't a personality trait. It's simply a term to describe gender.
And well, being an artist, I treat even myself as a canvas. I'm very much into alternative fashion. I consider myself a bit of a crossdresser. I know that's really confusing.
But on the other hand, maybe being misgendered is just something I'm going to have to deal with. Kyle said that once I get on testosterone, it'll be a lot easier for me to pass and still be femme. But only that time, I have to tone my femininity down, at least in my appearance. Which he's right. Being misgendered is so damaging to trans people. Even more so to someone who has extreme social anxiety. Even more so to me because I have to play the part of a daughter until I have a place to leave to if my parents disown me for my decisions. Haha.
It's just this awful debate that's been waging wars in my head since I started thinking about developing a new look over the summer. Masculinity vs. femininity. And it's really been tearing me up, to the point of wanting to burn myself again (which, in case you missed my previous post about that, is something I did when I was gender-confused). I don't do that anymore. So I just talked to my boyfriend and though I cried all night (both good and bad tears because he was cheering me up and I was tearing myself down the whole time), I feel better.
I feel sort of, after reading up on some other femme transguys' tips for passing, and talking to my boyfriend, that I do have some things figured out. I learned about the shapes of clothes and how I can still wear makeup and all sorts of things while still maintaining my style which makes me quite happy.
On a happier note, I got to see my boyfriend today!! For the first time since April. We went to Applebee's for a date and then he took me to the mall to shop because we didn't see each other on/close to our birthdays last month. And he didn't know what to buy me XD
I gave him a big white teacup that I decorated, a necklace, a rubber ninja star, a herbal tea sampler pack, and a drawing I did of us. n.n he paid for our date, bought me a couple of Adventure Time shirts from Hot Topic, then we went to Candyopolis and oh my god that was one of the funnest experiences like EVER. It was definitely a highlight-worthy moment in our relationship. XD
So at Candyopolis, we grabbed a little bag to fill up with candy and split among the two of us. It was actually really difficult LOL. And I had to help him by raising the lid up on the candy container so he could get the candy. And one time I accidentally let go it and it hit his hand so I picked it up and was like "hey no stop touching my boyfriend!" And like the employees and Kyle both wouldn't stop laughing LOL.
It was quite an adventure.
Oh, and also it's my turn with the teddy bear we share. x3 we have this white teddy bear with a bowtie that we share. His name is Oliver but Kyle and I both call him Ollie. Since we live an hour away, we just alternate who Ollie goes home with. And then we both cuddle him when we sleep during whoever's turn so that way, the bear ends up smelling like me or him. I guess it's sort of because I love Kyle's scent and I wanted to be able to cuddle something during the night that reminded me of him. n.n but Ollie has seriously become like a child to both of us. LOL. We both don't really want children so this is probably the closest we're gonna get.
Anyway, I'm probably going to work a bit on a post for Evil Angel then go to sleep. Normally I stay up until about 5am, but I had to get up early this morning and gpnagkabisjsnks I'm so sleepy.
So goodnight fellow otakus~ I love you all quite a bit. Also, don't be afraid to request/art trade me!! I'm very low on inspiration lately.
Oh and here's a photo of me and Kyle from today n.n
I have no idea why all my pictures turn upside down on this site. .-.