Spring break!!! Finally! I've been pretty on edge at school lately. It's been a long week.
On Monday, my mom and I had a huge argument about my graduation ceremony. Because I don't want to go to it, but everyone else in the world wants me to go. I don't want to go because I'd rather not have my birth name announced in front of everyone while wearing the color that's meant for girls. But I'm being forced to go. So I'm really worried and panicky about that, but I have a month or two to try and come to terms with it. -siiiiiiiiiiiiigh-
Monday night, I got really sick. I think it was a horrible combination of school food and anxiety. I woke up at like 2am and I felt nauseous but I was in denial of throwing up. XD I thought I'd be alright if I went back to sleep. Nope. I woke up 15 minutes later and ran to the bathroom. I was basically violently throwing up all night and day so needless to say, I didn't go to school on Tuesday.
Wednesday I went to school and had a decent day. c: same with Thursday.
Today was the official start of spring break. -forever freaking out because senior project is due next month OH MY GOD- I need to get so much stuff together. >.<
This is the first spring break that I have quite a few plans. I'm babysitting tomorrow night for Tina again. I babysat for her a few hours last night as well. So currently I have $40 :D and after tomorrow night I'll have $60. I don't usually get money so I'm pretty excited.
Then I'm just gonna hang out with Tina for a few hours on Sunday before I leave.
Somewhere between Sunday and Thursday I'm supposed to see my dad to spend some time together and "talk". I'm a little frightened by that. Because my dad knows about my being trans, he watches my deviantArt, and has seen my facebook. But it isn't like he hates me, because we've been talking just fine. I hope that, if it is about my gender, that he's supportive/accepting. That would make my life so much easier.
I'm pretty excited for Thursday. I get to spend the night with Emka, who I haven't seen since like September. She's probably the only friend from middle school I'm still best friend-status with. We don't talk much, but when we do, it's so fun. She's practically the female version of my boyfriend and I think of her as my daughter lol. cx
and sometime I'm supposed to hang out with Carli and Leila and my whole little school group of friends. c:
Then the following weekend, I'm hoping to see Jason. I miss him so much. ;-;
Oh, and yesterday I recieved two awards. My school has these awards that teachers can reward to students for showing different characteristics of a great human being. I had never got any ever until yesterday. One from my special art production and Academy/Seminar teacher, and the other from my theatre teacher. x3 they both said some really nice things about me. So it's really great.
Today I've been working on a lot of artwork which I'm gonna upload here tonight. It's been fun. c:
I want to write but I just can't figure out a good start to my story. x.x so I've been doing a writing challenge thing. I'll probably post it as well.
So yeh, there's life. owo
I take a lot of selfies I know. LOL but it's my way of feeling confident. -w-
Sorry I haven't been so active here. Been focused on school and senior project.
Anyway. I've been feeling better physically, but I still need to see a doctor. I definitely can't deal with that pain every month. But I'm alright for now.
Life has been pretty good lately. Nothing to really complain about. Looking for jobs and such. For now, I'm an occasional babysitter. I'm actually going to babysit tonight. It's just one night this time (I think) so I'll have $20. I need it for senior project. >.<
My classes have been... ugh. Today wasn't the greatest day. I've had three group projects all due for presentation today. One was my scene with Dezi for theatre. We didnt do badly, considering we hadn't practiced much. But I've been feeling pretty anxious all day.
It's because I was in my office assistant block this morning. I tried to deliver some passes, but the people were absent. So I had to return them to the counseling office. When I got there, one of the counselors asked me if it was painful for me to be a proctor, considering how shy I am. I told her that it kind of wracked my nerves a little but I could deal. And she told me that if I needed to, she would write me a transfer to be a library aide. The librarian makes me feel uncomfortable (I came out to her as trans, and she completely rejected the idea) but I am thinking about it. I just have to decide which is worse: being misgendered purposely, or talking to people.
Anyway, I've been having the symptoms of an anxiety attack all day since that discussion. While we were talking, the moment she said the word anxiety, I felt my face get hot and the tears start to form. All day, I've been more jumpy than usual and my heart's been racing. I've also had a pretty bad headache, an feeling nauseous, and hot flashes. I think it was because all this time, I thought I came across as confident, or at least okay with myself and others. You know, "fake it until you make it" but my friends, when I told them, informed me that you can tell I have anxiety from the minute you look at me. .///.
idk, I think I'll be alright once I get distracted into something else.
I still haven't been able to go see Jason lately. :c the last time I saw him was the beginning of January. I hope I can see him next weekend. I miss him, and I crave his touch and presence. He's been an absolutely sweetie as usual. <3
I've been really into bellydancing again, lately. I plan to start practicing regularly and eating right as well. I will achieve a dancer's body, dammit.
I found my inspiration. If you're interested, you should look up DraconisDances on youtube. He is a beautiful bellydancer and my new idol.
I wrote the outline to a new story, from beginning to end not too long ago. I'm excited because I never finish stories. xD
I've been trying to be more social and make friends. But it's not really happening. xD I did talk to someone new yesterday, on facebook. Not sure if he goes to my school anymore, but he's this cute little junior, still kind of in his scene phase lol. But we talked about drag queens and it was nice to meet someone else who watches RuPaul's Drag Race. o:
So I'm open to anyone talking to me here, as well. I'd love to chat with anyone reading this. c: just message or comment.
Anyway, I need to go shower and get ready for babysitting tonight. But as I said, I will be available.
Have a lovely day, everyone. <3
I put effort into how I looked this week, so have some selfies. cx
Meeeeerrrrrr. I haven't been much in the mood for talking about my life lately but I feel like I should, to move on a bit I guess.
Well let's see. Last week was an alright week. Valentine's day was pretty fun as well. I didn't get to spend it with my boyfriend though, but it's okay. We're supposed to see eachother soon, so that'll be really nice.
This weekend I babysat for my ex stepmom, Tina. She's entirely blind and half deaf, but perfectly capable and functional. She's a really lovely person. She's my favorite out of the people my dad has dated since my mom. It was interesting seeing her, considering I haven't seen her in five years or so, actually.
Anyway, I looked after two of her grandchildren that she recently adopted. In total, she has five I believe, a sixth on the way. They're all her child's kids. Which, last time I had talked to the parent of the these kids, he was my stepbrother. But he apparently came out as a transwoman. Her name is Toni. It was kind of weird because I wasn't out as trans either five years ago, and I'm still not out to Tina, because I consider her family still.
But looking after the kids wasn't too bad. I pretty much got paid to hang out while they slept. They were cute.
Also, the 2nd night I was there, Tina came home around 2am and her cab driver had told her that there was several cases of attempted rape around the apartment I was in. So that really freaked me out. Like, that could have been me. They were about two apartments away.
Then we had two more days away from school and that was nice. Went to school yesterday, and I was there for two hours when... I got my period. /: I haven't had a period in like, a year so of course I wasn't prepared for it. Also, I've always had medical problems with that area of my body. I have really heavy flow (so bad that I couldn't even go to school), and I have cramps to the point of not being able to move. Needless to say, I went home at lunch. It wasnt too bad though, until last night. I couldn't sleep and I've been home today because there's no way I could've survived school today. x.x
It's not so bad now, but still pretty bad. And my mom is forcing me to go to school tomorrow no matter what, so I'm kind of fucked if it doesn't get better.
Anyway yeah, there's your updateeee.
Also, I lightened my hair a few days ago. I'm also growing it out until April. Yeh.
I'm fed up with being so insecure and miserable all the time. So last Friday, I decided that I'm making a lot of changes in my life. A lot. I'm going to start making myself happy.
I'm going to have a better attitude and try to not be so overemotional and dramatic. I'm not going to let stupid things bother me anymore, including my insecurities. I'm going to learn how to relax.
I'm also going to start taking better care of myself, appearance and health wise. I feel my self-confidence will improve in a change of appearance. Diet and exercise, hair and skin care, etc. And I'm going to dress how I want to dress, as fem as I want.
not that I just copy/pasted a status of mine from facebook
As far as diet and exercise, I'm not doing so great. D; it's mostly that I keep forgetting I'm on a diet and I'd rather not exercise until I'm not so sick. I've yet to get over this damn flu or whatever that's going around. It came back harsher than ever with congestion and a sore throat. x~x
My diet plan isn't restricting but it also is. I'm cutting out sweets, soda, and fast food entirely. And I'm drinking nothing but tea and water. I have a cup of tea with everything I eat so that I feel fuller and don't overeat. And I'm replacing a meal everyday with a Greek yogurt thing. It's less stressful than my previous attempts with counting calories.
And as for exercising, I need ideas of what to do. My friend Leila and I are going to start running together when it gets warm out, but I need stuff to do when I'm at home by myself. I already know I'm going to do squats. Because I need an ass. xD I literally have no ass. And with my full hips, it looks weird.
I'm hoping to have a dancer's body. So of course I'm going to get further into my bellydancing. Also, bellydancing makes me feel sexy. o_O so it helps my confidence a lot as well.
And as far as my appearance change. It should be happening in about a month, more or less, when my mom gets her tax returns. I'm gonna look great. c: I'm planning on getting my hair to as blond as possible and getting a cut. Then towards Renfaire time, I'm dying it blue~
I'm working on my skin care already. But I want to be paler so I've been looking for tricks for that.
And my clothes are gonna be still my style but more "femboy" rather than just flat-out "female". Even if I decide to wear dresses and skirts. Which is something I'm considering. I think I might get into some pastel-goth also. We shall see. <3
My attitude is already improving. c: I'm doing well, I think. I haven't been thinking as negatively as I have as of lately. And things are looking up. I might audition for a play this semester. If not, I do have to preform in a Repertory Theatre showcase. o: so that'll be fun.
I've been working on artwork. :D I painted a project for Special Art Production. I'll post it soon. I hate painting xD but I did good on this one, even if it did take three tries and a lot of frustration.
Now let's just hope I can get through this school week. Maybe we'll have more snow days. I'd like that.
I am looking forward to Valentine's Day :3 I'm not sure if I'll get to spend it with Jason, but if not, it's alright. I do want to go see him again soon though.
Jason and I are doing great. c: we talked about being life partners last night (since neither of us like the idea of marriage). n///n he is the only one I can see spending my life with. We often talk about how it's gonna be when we live together. I'm really excited for that aspect of the future.
But yeh. That's what's happening in life rn.
School is cancelled tomorrow because they believe it will snow. Or has snowed. I haven't looked outside to see if it snew. snew. I know that it's "snowed" but I typed snew first. cx
I've been working on project(s) for Special Art Production. My theme for the rest of my projects for the semester is "fantasy", and currently I'm experimenting with using watercolor. I've used it before, but I'm really really really a terrible painter. Any other media, I can use fine. Give me any kind of paint, you'll end up with a mess. >.<
Right now I'm working on a painting of a pretty leaf elf boy. He's great.
I've started a Valentine's Day story as well. It's a fluffy romance. :3 I'll post it here when it's finished.
So my mood has been weird lately. I'm either upset and insecure, or pissed off and sassy. o_O Jason and I have been talking about my confidence or rather, lack of confidence.
It led to me questioning my gender expression. Again.
Basically, Jason asked me if I liked my own fashion sense. I said that I do, but not really because I myself can't wear what I want to wear. He asked why. And I told him that a lot of times, I feel I'm not allowed to wear something because a) I don't feel attractive enough or b) I want to wear it but it'll make me easier to misgender than usual. He asked if passing as male was important to me. I said yes. He suggested I try more men's clothing. I explained that I do like men's clothing, but I like women's clothing just as much. I told him that I don't want to change just to fit someone else's definition of a boy. Which led to him asking me if maybe I'm agender or androgynous instead of entirely a boy.
I've put a lot of thought into that idea. But the thought of anyone referring to me with pronouns that aren't male-oriented makes me sick. It just doesn't feel right. And I want to transition, I want a male body.
It sickens me that I will never be seen as I am unless I change. It makes me want to cry.
Like anyone else in this damn world, I just want to be accepted as I am.
I'm literally stuck. I'm in a lose-lose situation. If I change, I will not be true to myself and I'll be unhappy. If I be myself, I'll never be seen as a boy.
I feel hopeless.
Jason went on to tell me that I can wear dresses and such, but maybe not so much in public. Which makes me upset because if I feel pretty, I'm obviously going to want to show it off. And I'm not allowed to feel confident in who I am. Not in public. Thank you society.
But I do have some reassurance after today.
My boyfriend is really into femboys and is supportive of me, no matter how I dress. He just doesn't want me to be misgendered, because it kills me everytime.
And a couple of my friends, Leila and Rikki told me that they don't even think of me as trans. Which is a lovely compliment honestly.
Idk. I've been struggling with this conflict internally for some time now. Maybe I'll figure it out some day. Maybe I won't.
I identify as a femboy. A boy that cross-dresses. A makeup-wearing, flower-picking boy. This is how it is. I don't know if it will change. But this is me.
Anyway yeah. I'm still feeling under the weather about my appearance. After I get over being sick, I'm cracking down on my weight loss. I'm sick of being obese. Like, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being big if you're confident in your body. I definitely do support and believe in "big and beautiful". I believe you can look however you want as long as you own it.
But I'm not confident this way. So I have to change it.
Another thing I want to change is how people see me. I want to be the cute and sweet one. It's... kind of too late for that now, though. v~v everyone already sees me as being rude and vulgar. Oh well.
This post turned out much longer than I expected. :L merrrr.
I'm going to disappear now. Ttyl.