Once upon a time, there was a femme transboy named Lukaiel. He was very insecure, artistic, imaginative and lived in a very un-magical place called Kansas. Someone he once trusted, an evil, ugly witch cast a spell and manipulated the boy into having a romance with razor blades, fire, and self-destruction, and made him hate every inch of himself.
But this all changed when he met his knight in shining armor, Jason. Jason broke the spell with an enchantment called "love". Jason made Lukaiel's grey world flush with color. Along with friends of every kind, Jason brought Lukaiel to a vision of self-love and acceptance for everyone, no matter how different. Lukaiel became a prince.
But the prince is in distress-- his temptation to destroy himself, his doubts, his inner demons. But he, with the hope of loved ones, battles these off even when it appears he is losing the war. He will always find himself victorious with the wonderful people he grew to love on his side.
The prince finds joy in writing, drawing, acting, costuming, designing fashion, listening to music, making odd crafts and jewelry, and reading/watching things. Sometimes he finds himself among faeries, who he believes and finds his faith and ability to cast magic in. Other times, he appears as a fallen angel, a tragic hero. But most times, he's just a submissive and clumsy cat boy who wishes for affection and cuddles. His anxiety disorder cripples him, takes him away from his desire to be around people, and though he values his alone time, he craves company.

Though his life is not spent in a castle, he continues on and loves life. This is his story of romance, acceptance, and finding the beauty in everything.

--dA--facebook--YouTube--tumblr--my knight <3--

kupopo~

Hi hi!

It feels like forever since I updated here. I gotta get better at pacing myself with that. >w< Let's see if I can remember what all has been happening lately.

My therapy clinic referred me to this employment... thing. I met up with a guy, his name is Dan. He's basically there to guide me through the process of being employed. He had me sign a form about my mental illnesses, and basically that means that whoever employs me has to accommodate for me to be comfortable there. Which is awesome.
Last time I met with him, he took me to the workforce center. There, I got an account so I'm free to use their resources to help get employed. I also talked to a lady who showed me everything they provide. It's... very hard to find me a job. Anything I'm interested in requires schooling or job experience (Ironically, I need a job to get experience and money to go to school. Ha-ha.) @.@ But the lady suggested that I try the mall that my mom works at, which may have more things up my alley. So Dan is going to take me there next week to look.
Dan intimidates me a bit, but he's rather nice. I just wish I could take someone I'm more comfortable with to the mall. I have a bit of an issue with selective mutism lately (something I had a big problem with when I was younger. I thought I was over it, I suppose not.), but having someone there really helps. But eh... maybe I'll be okay.

So I've been on my depression/anxiety medication for about a month or so now. I had just started experiencing the effects as I ran out of my first month's worth. But after finding out I can't get my prescription refilled until I meet my actual therapist at the end of the month, I decided to not go through withdrawal and take my mom's pills. They're a generic version of the same thing, so I'm okay.
The physical effects have been strange, but tame. I get a lot of migraines and a strange sensation of pressure and buzzing in my ears sometimes, and kind of dizzy a lot. I also have had a really low, almost non-existent sex drive. >///> but it's coming back, thankfully.
I've been relatively calm though. No angry ourbursts, no suicidal thoughts. Definitely doing better than I had been. I still have emotions, still feeling things deeply, still myself as far as I know. ^-^
However, this calmness is causing me to become lethargic. I went a while without caring about cleanliness (which, if you know me, you know i'm obsessive about it.) But I think maybe the pills just took away my anxiety about being clean and such. But it could also be the summer heat and stuff, for I am feeling better. Not anxious, but not lazy. A good mix.
I'm still anxious socially and that really wears me out. Some days I wake up with a lot less mental energy than I need, and that puts a damper on things. And certain activities really drain me. But generally when I run out of energy I just need to go home and chill, get a good sleep.

Oh, but speaking of being social and productive. I've gotten a little better at talking to friends. c: I actually started a text conversation with Tah-Tah, and then yesterday night I slept over at Emka's. Emka and I watched this awful english-dubbed anime which was hilarious. And she got me hooked on RWBY. *-* It was a fun time.
I've also FINALLY been making quite a bit of progress on my friend Wendy's commissioned painting. All I have to do is ink and paint it.

I've been thinking of getting more in touch with my being an empath. I want to take up palm reading and reading tarot cards. I have plans when I have more money to work on making "spiritually-pleasing" gifts for people, and even opening a shop one day for such items. I want to help people better understand themselves and heal them.

I think I understand myself better lately, too. I'm coming to terms with being someone who doesn't fit in, and that's okay! A lot of people are different from me.
I am sincere in everything I say and feel, I don't do anything to be "nice" or "polite", I just am that way, but I'm finding that others are not.
I'm simply too awkward for most people. They find me uncomfortable to talk to. I'm either too quiet and come off as rude, or I'm too talkative. These things are from my anxiety, but people find me to be creepy because of them.
I'm just. Not of the same breed as they are. I'm an alien.
And that's not a bad thing.

I've currently been obsessed with Final Fantasy IX. *w* The moogles have stolen my heart. (I'm planning a moogle cosplay;;) And the characters are phenomenal, incredibly well-written. It's a PS1 game, but honestly it's probably in my top favorite games EVER. I haven't finished it yet, but I'm on the last of the four disks, so I'm getting there! (I don't want it to end!!)
Also, Jason and I got to our three-year mark of our relationship! :D July 18th. We've been able to see eachother more often, which is lovely~

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Anyway, I think that's all I have to say for now. o:

-The Moogle Prince~
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(oh i'm a brunette now xD this color is here to stay for a while, i promise)

crystals

It's been a little while, hasn't it?

A little while ago, my dad and brother and I all decided to take advantage of free city bus week (since my dad doesn't have a vehicle anymore). We took six buses in total, and still had to walk a decent amount. 'o';; I was so sore and sunburnt. Forgot that I'm a fair-skinned ginger and thought it would be smart to wear a tanktop >> But anyway. We went to my dad's appointment at a therapy clinic, and he figured he could get me in while we were there.
We had to run all the way across town to get me evaluated. It was so weird... I filled out my own paperwork, answered financial questions on my own, and went to the evaluation room by myself. I felt so much like an adult. It was crazy.
I got diagnosed with having depression not specified, and social phobia.

I didn't get diagnosed for this, but I'm considering the possibility that I may have a mild case of OCD. I can get kind of obsessive about cleanliness and I do have small habits about counting things and putting things into patterns, and I've heard that thoughts of being impure/morally wrong and unwanted sexual thoughts can be symptoms. Both of which I struggle with occassionally. None of those things really mess with my anxiety except the cleanliness thing though.

Anyway, then the next week, I had my actual appointment with my therapist to discuss treatment. I guess it's more just like a doctor's visit rather than actually talking things out. Which was cool with me, as long as I get help and find results. Jason took me there, and the lady basically just interviewed me for a while about mental health stuff. Jason helped me answer questions that I couldn't quite comprehend and such.
Anyway, then the lady prescribed me Lexapro, a medication for my anxiety and depression. She said the side effects are mostly headaches, upset stomach and insomnia, but they should go away in three weeks, when the medication should actually start to take effect on my mood. I have all of those symptoms regularly anyway xD but yeah.
I've taken it twice so far. Yesterday and this morning. Yesterday, I got pretty sick but today is good so far.

After my appointment, my boyfriend and I went to the library c: we got quite a few books using my card, then he came over and spent the night.

Then, a couple days ago, I had some awful family issues. I won't go too much into it, but my stepdad almost got kicked out. But my parents worked out their issues and everything is fine now, thankfully.

Also, I've finally figured out things about my gender identity. I always knew that I identified as a boy, but there was some lingering feeling that "boy" wasn't complete. After researching, I think "demiboy" really fits. Meaning that I identify as a boy, but not wholly. I consider myself to be a tad agender, as well as a boy. It makes me feel a lot better finding a label that fits.
I'm still trying to decide how I want to physically transition. I know, for certain that I want a double mastectomy. But I absolutely don't want any kind of lower half surgery. And I'm still debating whether I want to be on testosterone. I'm leaning towards it, but we'll see. I've got plenty of time to figure it out. I haven't been really trying to pass lately, because even when I do try, I don't pass. I need a new binder anyway. I'll probably put more effort into it when I'm around new people regularly. Like when I get a job.
Speaking of gender issues, I friended my dad and brother on facebook. Now this was out of my comfort zone for a while because I was afraid of how my dad would react to my gender and sexuality on there. But my brother already knew, and I've come out to my dad before. He just didn't understand, because I'm feminine. He's rather open-minded, and has no problem with queer people, but he never accepted me as one.
But anyway, I added my dad on facebook and he added me as his son, and actually reffered to me as his son! ;A; I cried so much about it, I never, ever thought he would do that. And! He hasn't treated me any different. I'm just ;-; really happy about that.

I'm trying to get the courage to go to the mall my mom works at and pick up some applications. There's actually a new boutique open, and my friend and her mom own it. But I think they work at another location. Either way, I really need a job. I think once I have some money saved up, I may enroll for cosmetology school. Maybe.
I've also been thinking about asking my dad and brother about being part of their act. They created a band together, and it's a renfaire band. I know they're hoping to put together and act and perform at renfaires and such, and I still want to be an actor. But I don't have any friends that would want to be in an act with me x.x so it would be great if I could do this with my family. I'm not a musician, but I'd say I'm great with costuming and acting so :3 and maybe I could meet people to form my own act one day.

I'm working on a story that I think I'll be writing for NaNoWriMo. I've never participated in it before, but I really want to. The story is still in it's planning stages, but I'm going to really flesh it out before I ever start on the actual writing.
It's basically a werewolf romance story, that's all I really know now. I have the basic plot down, but nothing more than that.
Maybe I'll actually finish this story xD;; I have a bad habit of abandoning stories, so... we'll see!

I think that's all I have to say for now. Hope everyone's summer is going well ~

-Kai

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(i dyed my hair a little bit ago. it was supposed to be bright auburn, but turned out a faded pinkish color x'D i like it, but i'm gonna dye over it soon)

savior

I feel like it's been a long time since updating here, but it really hasn't been that long. Hm.

My life is an absolute rollercoaster. I guess I'll start with the fun things going on.

A couple of weeks ago, Jason and I went to the big mall in town. He bought me lots of stuff and then I stayed the night at his house. Which I hadn't done in a while because of anxiety, but it was really fun. We watched RuPaul's Drag Race, and The Breakfast Club. At the mall, he bought me some cute earrings, a lipbalm, new makeup brushes, and socks!! (i really love socks)

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On Thursday, Jason and I went to go celebrate our birthdays together with Emka. We hung out at her apartment, watched Sailor Moon, ate lots of junk food. It was great lol. Jason bought me a book, a collection of Edgar Allan Poe stories, and a cute little card with an Octopus (they're my favorite underwater animal cx) and Emily bought me some little magnetic bookmark clips that look like cupcakes and smell like chocolate xD omg.

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oh my boyfriend bought me Final Fantasy IX!! my favorite ff game aaaa

I've been getting outside more, which is always nice. I also really hurt my thighs not too long aho and am still recovering. I overworked them by doing a ton of squats and lunges. It was a satisfying pain, but it hurt to move. I couldn't do much for a couple of days. But having a booty was not worth that kind of pain LOL

And in some inappropriate news... >///< Last time I went to Jason's, we tried some things that really spiced it all up. I asked him to spank me hehe. I had to bite his pillow (LOL) in order to not make too much noise. Twas fun. Then he blindfolded me with a tie and laid me down on the bed. He spent at least an hour, just teasing me by touching me all over and kissing and leaving marks. Goddddd, it was amazing. Probably my favorite makeout session, ever.
We're also trying some non-sexual dynamics to our relationship. I now occasionally refer to him as Sir, or Mister. He really likes that, and so do I. And sometimes he gives me "tasks" to do during the day so he can reward me later. The tasks are usually things that are innocent and calming, like coloring in my coloring book or making a list of things we could do next time he comes over. :3

But yeah.

And there's been some more, not-so fun things.

I guess it started when I started feeling guilty for not having a job. My friend is opening a boutique in the mall my mom works at, so I thought of messaging her about it, but my anxiety got the better of me. Then it was just a downward spiral from there. :c

I had several panic attacks after that. About not having anything to live for besides my boyfriend, about not having any friends, and feeling constantly suicidal. I wanted nothing more than to die.

Then I got paranoid that I was dependant on my boyfriend, because he's really the only person I talk to anymore. And I almost ended our relationship, because I thought we would need space from eachother. But after I calmed down, we talked it out and realized that I only felt that way because I was upset, in general.

Jason's friends sent me some things to help motivate me to feel better, which was really nice. c:

So basically, I have decided to talk to my mom about starting therapy to deal with my depression and anxiety. I don't really know how to talk to her about it, but I hopefully can find a clinic that won't cost too much.

But, for now, I'm alright, feeling stable. I'm planning to just work on my own interests for the moment until I get better with dealing with people. Then I can learn how to make friends and talk to people and apply for jobs.

Anyway, that's all I've got to say. I'll ttyl.

-Lukaiel Leigh

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a pretty mess.

Hello everyone. :3

I guess I've been relatively busy lately? Well not really but? Busier than usual lol.

May is the month of lots of birthdays for me xD my boyfriend's birthday is on the 6th, mine was yesterday, and my dad's is on the 21st.

My boyfriend and I celebrated his birthday last weekend. We went to a pizza place and then watched Tarzan at home. It was my first time watching it ;A; what a cute movie. My mom and I ordered him a cookie cake, it was the most we could do at the time.

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A little while back my mom's family celebrated my birthday. They gave mw $50 ayyyy. Then this weekend (well he came over on Friday then went home in the early afternoon today) my boyfriend came over and we celebrated for me. :D We went out to dinner and watched more movies lol. He bought me a huge Disney princess coloring book, a little doodle pad, a framed photograph he took, and some crayons. I'm also going to get a portrait he painted of me later. nwn My mom didn't have the money to get me a cake or presents yet, but her boss made me a cookie cake and gave me flowers. But I'll probably get my gifts soon :3 It was a fun weekend.

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Jason and I didn't get eachother any major gifts yet because we're waiting until we have a little party together with Emka at the end of the month.
Then I went to my dad's today. He got me a super cute cake and a beanie baby x3 Its SO CUTE!!

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(that's my brother behind me being a derp)

Today has been kind of stressful for me, though. Maybe I'm just tired, or something. This morning, I woke up next to Jason and my mind was just. Really messing with me. I kept thinking "I'm not even attracted to him." And "Why would I want to spend my life with someone so much like me?", etc. It was like my mind was looking for things to be wrong with him. And I started to feel trapped in our relationship. I didn't understand why. I felt so mean. Eventually I just broke down crying and told him about it. He simply held me while we talked it out.
I was so lost. Like I've never been happier than I have been with Jason. He's so attractive, we have a great dynamic and he makes me feel safe. I'm so comfortable with him and he's everything I want in a partner. And things are great because we can see eachother more often now. It's summer break for him, and he has his own car and license. (My man drives~)
Jason told me he thinks it's because I've been in bad relationships in the past. That maybe I look for things to be wrong because I expect them to be wrong. I started thinking and I think maybe I just find it hard to accept that things are happy and healthy, and my anxiety is like "YES! THIS IS TOTALLY HAPPENING UNDER THE SURFACE!" Because that's happened before-- where things seem awesome but actually suck.
It just really sucks that the abusive people from my past are now out of my life, but the effects of their manipulation live on. They molded me into this person who thinks that he deserves to be abused, and expects the abuse, and normalizes it and it's so, so hard trying to unlearn those thoughts and learn how to be healthy.
I think that's a part of why I feel so isolated from everyone else sometimes. It feels like everyone knows how to be human and here I am, an alien. I get very... disassociative? (not sure if that's the right word) It genuinely feels like I'm a whole different species from everyone else sometimes.

The other thing that happened today was my brother and I got into an argument. Maybe it was my fault though. I always expect him to be the one I trust most within my family but sometimes I'm reminded that he is very, very different. I just am so sick of him making me feel bad for liking things that are deemed "childish." And he constantly calls me sheltered, invalidates my anxiety and laughs off my tries to lose weight. I dunno. We aren't really on speaking terms now but it'll be alright. Eventually.

I've been thinking about my future living situation lately, because my family is stressing me out. I actually am considering moving to my boyfriend's town after I get myself together in maybe a few years, if things don't get better here. Because as of right now, I really don't have any friends here anymore and I feel like getting away would be nice. Maybe I could start over, meet some new people and start something. Maybe schooling? Who knows. It's only an hour drive away so I won't be too far away. And it's not like I have to live there forever. I could move back, with my boyfriend living with me, one day. Since my city is bigger. But!! That's in the future, and right now I'm focused on getting a job.

And I feel the need to brag about my sex life so here we go. Jason is just. *////* so amazing. He left me covered in hickies and he's really learning and using what I like. He's been touching me all over, roughly and softly, using his breath and tongue and teeth which drives me crazy. And a little while back, we tried a new thing: spanking. o///o which was fun, but I'm too ticklish and he's too nice xD but maybe we'll try again. And last night, I gave him a handjob (which I rarely do for some reason) while listening to his heartbeat. Hahaha I was basically dead omg.
It really helps that we talk about things we like and such c:

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Well I think that's all that's happening right now. :3 Have a lovely weekend and week, everyone.

Also, thank you all for the sweet birthday wishes <3

-Prince Lukaiel Leigh

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(i also cut my hair and finally got it to be white. :3 i've decided that i'm probably going to go a different color in a while though.)

anxious heart

Weird, weird things have been happening to me lately.

I guess that I'll be learning to drive soon, as well as working to get a job. My grandma is either going to teach me how to drive, or pay for me to take a class. It's really up to me on which I prefer. Probably my grandma teaching me. It'll save money and a lot of anxiety.

Speaking of anxiety, it's killing me. Making me feel like everyone hates me. Making my depression worse. Lots of bad feelings. But I'm working them out.
I'm having a lot of dread about my birthday coming up. I'll be 19. Meaning that I've been lazing around for an entire year.
Not to mention that I have a fear of getting older.

My health is? Weird. I'm not having my stomach problems anymore, I don't think. And I've been pretty disciplined with my diet. But something else is happening. I have a pretty bad cough, but that's it as far as cold symptoms. My stomach has been heaving. Not like nauseous, but like I've been punched in the stomach. And I'm having frequent dizzy spells, like I'm going to faint. I'm almost always unbalanced when I walk. I keep mixing up words and pronounciations, and having lots of migraines and other body aching. And here's the weirdest thing: I've been having a STRONG craving to eat my laundry soap. ?????
I need to see a doctor soon, to get on birth control.

Which brings up another topic. So today, I got this weird intuitive feeling of being pregnant. I could not shake this feeling. I don't know why I thought of it. Maybe because lots of my friends are pregnant and having children lately. But I just? Couldn't stop thinking about it and panicking. I was so convinced.
But literally, there is no chance of me being pregnant. My boyfriend is physically unable to get me pregnant, I am physically unable to get pregnant, and I'm a virgin. There is no way in hell.

Jason finally got me to stop feeling that way, but then I got really sad. Like I wanted to be pregnant... But I don't! I really don't want children, not now, nor in the future. I guess maybe I'm jealous of all my friends, having families and getting their lives together. Maybe I just wanted the option of getting pregnant. Who knows. The dumb thing is that I would never keep a child if I were pregnant. I would certainly have an abortion. Maybe I'd put them up for adoption but that's if I could even go through labor.

I really would like to be a housespouse. Maybe I'm too excited about that role. Except I just want to clean and cook and be motherly, not a parent.

Sometimes I worry about being so feminine and taking the feminine roles in life. Sometimes I refer to myself as "they" or "she." I doubt my gender identity a lot. But I don't feel that I'm a girl. I guess I don't see "she" as womanly anymore. But I definitely am uncomfortable with other people calling me a girl/"she". I don't know.  I just think I'm comfortable in my gender expression. I rarely bind my chest anymore. And I primarily look feminine these days. I know that I'm a boy. It's like I'm a boy, but also something else. Femboy fits really well, and so does androgynous boy. It's just something I'm insecure about but I think once I go shopping and stuff again, get more clothes, I'll feel better. I have conflicting emotions about physically transitioning. I know for sure that I want a double mastectomy. But being on testosterone is something I'm still pondering.

Oh, in other news, my cat Whisper gave birth. A day after my ferret Sunny passed away. He was old and lived a nice life, so I'm okay. But yeah, Whisper had kittens. She has three white ones, and one black one. We're thinking about keeping a white one. c:

I feel like I'm rambling, but my thoughts aren't really being properly conveyed through my words. I'll end this here.

Have a lovely weekend everyone. <3

-Prince Lulu

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