I'm sorry that I use this world to rant, it's just the only place I can post things like that aside from Facebook haha. >.< and I don't need people worrying about me to the point of an intervention or something. Everyone seems to think, that since I'm now open about my struggles with self-harm, that I've become some kind of self-destructive monster. Which isn't the case. I still have control over myself.
So my last post, I just... My boyfriend (I should really stop referring to him as just my boyfriend. LOL. He has a name.) and I were discussing the fact that I don't wear much makeup anymore. And he jokingly said that I was taking a step in a manly direction. I told him that I wasn't sure if I liked it, because I feel like I'm conforming to society's idea of male, that I'm not expressing myself in my appearance.
I guess what I mean is, I don't want to dress "just like a boy." I want to be able to wear my makeup and knee-high socks and shorts. I want to keep my hair a bit long. The only hair colors that look nice on me are light colors so I'm going blonde soon. I don't want to have to change what I want just to be able to be called my correct gender. I have a personality. A very feminine one. "Transgender" isn't a personality trait. It's simply a term to describe gender.
And well, being an artist, I treat even myself as a canvas. I'm very much into alternative fashion. I consider myself a bit of a crossdresser. I know that's really confusing.
But on the other hand, maybe being misgendered is just something I'm going to have to deal with. Kyle said that once I get on testosterone, it'll be a lot easier for me to pass and still be femme. But only that time, I have to tone my femininity down, at least in my appearance. Which he's right. Being misgendered is so damaging to trans people. Even more so to someone who has extreme social anxiety. Even more so to me because I have to play the part of a daughter until I have a place to leave to if my parents disown me for my decisions. Haha.
It's just this awful debate that's been waging wars in my head since I started thinking about developing a new look over the summer. Masculinity vs. femininity. And it's really been tearing me up, to the point of wanting to burn myself again (which, in case you missed my previous post about that, is something I did when I was gender-confused). I don't do that anymore. So I just talked to my boyfriend and though I cried all night (both good and bad tears because he was cheering me up and I was tearing myself down the whole time), I feel better.
I feel sort of, after reading up on some other femme transguys' tips for passing, and talking to my boyfriend, that I do have some things figured out. I learned about the shapes of clothes and how I can still wear makeup and all sorts of things while still maintaining my style which makes me quite happy.
On a happier note, I got to see my boyfriend today!! For the first time since April. We went to Applebee's for a date and then he took me to the mall to shop because we didn't see each other on/close to our birthdays last month. And he didn't know what to buy me XD
I gave him a big white teacup that I decorated, a necklace, a rubber ninja star, a herbal tea sampler pack, and a drawing I did of us. n.n he paid for our date, bought me a couple of Adventure Time shirts from Hot Topic, then we went to Candyopolis and oh my god that was one of the funnest experiences like EVER. It was definitely a highlight-worthy moment in our relationship. XD
So at Candyopolis, we grabbed a little bag to fill up with candy and split among the two of us. It was actually really difficult LOL. And I had to help him by raising the lid up on the candy container so he could get the candy. And one time I accidentally let go it and it hit his hand so I picked it up and was like "hey no stop touching my boyfriend!" And like the employees and Kyle both wouldn't stop laughing LOL.
It was quite an adventure.
Oh, and also it's my turn with the teddy bear we share. x3 we have this white teddy bear with a bowtie that we share. His name is Oliver but Kyle and I both call him Ollie. Since we live an hour away, we just alternate who Ollie goes home with. And then we both cuddle him when we sleep during whoever's turn so that way, the bear ends up smelling like me or him. I guess it's sort of because I love Kyle's scent and I wanted to be able to cuddle something during the night that reminded me of him. n.n but Ollie has seriously become like a child to both of us. LOL. We both don't really want children so this is probably the closest we're gonna get.
Anyway, I'm probably going to work a bit on a post for Evil Angel then go to sleep. Normally I stay up until about 5am, but I had to get up early this morning and gpnagkabisjsnks I'm so sleepy.
So goodnight fellow otakus~ I love you all quite a bit. Also, don't be afraid to request/art trade me!! I'm very low on inspiration lately.
Oh and here's a photo of me and Kyle from today n.n
I have no idea why all my pictures turn upside down on this site. .-.
1-How are you?
2-Post a picture of yourself.
3-Do you ever wish you were someone else?
No. I hate myself, but I love my life. If that makes any sense.
4-What is your entire name?
Kyle Pierce Valentine. (is the name I choose. Valentine isn't my real last name but my real last name doesn't go well with the rest of it.)
5-How old are you?
6-Age you get mistaken for:
Usually 15-18. I look pretty young probably because of the way I dress and my messy hair.
7-Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality:
Taurus. And though I do somewhat believe in horoscopes, it doesn't match me well at all. Taurus' are typically stubborn and I'm submissive as well, for one.
8-What did you do on your last birthday?
Ah nothing really. Talked to my boyfriend all night and spent time with my family. I also made Oreo balls to give my friends at school and watched Les Miserables.
9-What is one thing you would like to accomplish before your next birthday?
Learn how to drive.
10-What is your hair color?
Ah, it's kinda hard to describe actually. XD; A couple months ago I dyed it bright red but it faded. So now it'a pink and blonde and orange. Almost a sherbert/coral color.
11-Have you ever dyed your hair?
At least once every few months. lol.
12-What is your eye color?
13-If you could change your eye color, would you?
Maybe. I would prolly just change it to gray or maybe a brighter green.
14-Do you wear contacts/glasses?
Black thick-frame glasses yo.
18-Do you have any tattoos?
19-Do you have any piercings?
Just my ears so far.
20-Left or right handed?
21-What’s your sexual orientation?
22-Do you drink?
23-Do you smoke?
STRAIGHTEDGE FO LIFE.
24-Do you have any pets?
Three cats, a dog, and a ferret. c:
25-Where do you work?
Nowhere currently. But as soon as I get my hair fixed I'm going to apply at a bunch of places.
26-Something you are working on right now:
As of right now, I'm attempting to lose weight.
27-Do you have any “rules” about food?
Don't go over my limit of 1700 calories a day and watch my sugar intake. That's about it.
28-Where are you from?
29-What would you say is your best quality?
I'd say my sense of humor.
30-What do you think you’re really good at?
Uhm... I honestly can't think of anything to be honest...
31-What do you think you’re really bad at?
EVERYTHING. lol kidding. Definitely handling my loneliness and being in social situations. I am quite literally- PAINFULLY shy.
33-Are you a bad person?
I worry about it constantly. But I'm honestly not sure.
34-Are you nice to everyone?
For the most part.
36-Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you?
There have been several LOL. My ex best friend told everyone that I made unwanted sexual advances on her. I did nothing of the sort. XD
37-What is your ideal bed? Why?
Fluffy, lots of pillows and stuffed animals. I'm a very cuddly person.
38-Did you wake up cranky?
Not today. I only wake up cranky if someone wakes me up. If I wake up on my own I'm an angel.
39-Do you sleep with a stuffed toy?
Yus. Two stuffed dogs. c:
40-What do you think about the most?
Ah, my boyfriend, my stories, music, my insecurities.
42-What you want to be when you “get older”?
I want to bake in a bakery or cafe and be an author and be a loving house-husband.
43-What are your career goals?
Writing a series of books and hope to god they go well.
44-What is your ideal career?
Working at my own pace but never getting bored.
45-Is your life anything like it was two years ago?
46-Do you replay things that have happened in your head?
47-Have you ever had an imaginary friend?
Sort of? I had another "personality" so to speak. He eventually came through and made me realize who I really am.
48-Say 10 facts about your room:
-my walls are nearly covered with drawings or paintings. Mostly done by my friends but I have a few of my own up.
-I have a computer, but it's a dinosaur and I have no Internet.
-I have four sort of strange things hung on my walls. One is a wolf tail I bought from the last renaissance festival. Another is a lanyard or medal type thing that I randomly found on the street, it'a from a glow 5k run and it glows in the dark. I have a hand-crocheted rainbow pouch that contains two voodoo/string dolls that I bought from vending machines. And the last is a card that a Jehovah's Witness gave me that says "Religion is Dead".
49-Do you have any phobias?
I'm not sure if it's an actual phobia, but I'm TERRIFIED of the sound of metal scraping against metal. Like a fork on the inside of a can. -shudders-
50-Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist?
Three actually. One was to help me re-find my faith in God. Another was to help me through my parents' divorce. The other was supposed to help me cope with my social anxiety. Not one of them succeeded.
51-Are you allergic to anything? If so, what?
Not allergic to anything.
52-Ever broken any bones?
Nope. But I have dislocated my collarbone.
53-Ever come close to death?
60-Do you have a facebook?
61-Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?
Quite a few. LOL.
62-Describe yourself in one word/sentence:
63-A quote you try to live by:
If you haven't come back from the future to tell yourself not to do it, it's not that bad of a decision. lol.
64-A famous person you’ve been compared to:
Oh lord. Jeffree Star because of my pink hair. Haha.
65-Weird things you do when you’re alone:
Make strange noises as sound effects.
66-Something you do without realising:
I clasp my hands in front of myself when I'm talking. I dig my nails into my palms when I'm angry.
68-Someone you’d like to be for a day and why:
Hm, I dunno.
70-What is your favorite thing to do?
Draw, paint, write, play games, talk to my boyfriend, Facebook. Idk.
71-What’s your favorite color?
RAINBOW!! lol kidding. though lately I've been favoring turquoise and purple.
73-What’s your favorite movie?
Suicideroom, Chatroom, A Knight's Tale. meh. Idk.
74-What are your favorite books?
The Fallen series, I Am J, Beautiful Children.
75-What is your favorite quote and why?
“I’ve spent so long in the darkness, that I’ve almost forgotten how beautiful the moonlight is.”
From Corpse Bride. I don't know, it just really stuck with me. I feel like it's kind of like saying, while you're wallowing in the bad things, you're missing out on the good ones.
76-What is your favorite word?
I really like "Swell" like "gee golly, Kyle you're a swell guy!"
77-What is your least favorite word?
ugh. Distorted. HATEITHATEITHATEIT.
78-What is your favorite type of food?
I like Chinese.
79-You favorite ice cream?
Any of them. Good god.
80-What’s your favorite animal?
Wolves I suppose. But I enjoy turtles and penguins too. n.n
81-Dogs or cats?
82-Describe your favourite texture:
83-What is your favorite flower?
84-What’s your favourite scent? And on the opposite sex?
I really like vanilla. And well, I'm gay lol. But on my boyfriend, I absolutely love any kind of Old Spice.
85-What is your favorite season?
I love them all, but I think I like Fall the most.
86-What are the top five places you wish you could go before you die?
Sweden, Japan, France, Hawaii, Italy.
87-What are four things you can’t live without and why?
Ah, my friends, boyfriend, phone and probably my camera. I live for love and memories of fun times.
88-Which mythological creature are you most like? Why?
Hm. I would say a faerie (if that counts) or maybe a fallen angel. Faerie because I just want to bring peace and be peaceful myself and just be in touch with who I am. Fallen angel because I'm innocent but majorly flawed?
89-What’s your favorite television show?
Lately it's been Adventure Time LOL
90-Favorite place to shop at?
Not sure. I like anything and everything lmao.
91-Say 2 facts about your favorite things:
-after I broke my last phone, my parents screamed at me that I wouldn't get a new one. The next day, I came from a parade and I heard this weird tune that sounded like it was from an old sci-fi movie. That's how I discovered my new iPhone.
-my friend Will gave me his chest binder out of the goodness of his heart. :D
106-Would you ever smile at a stranger?
I read this thing about how a guy said he wouldn't kill himself if a stranger smiled at him on his way home. So I always make a point to smile at anyone I make eye-contact with. Just in case.
107-Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?
I don't think I have a preference. But most of my friends are girls.
108-Who is someone you never tire of?
Kyle, my two best friends Nick and Lyn.
109-Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?
110-Who is your most loyal friend?
I would say Kyle XD
111-Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?
Aaaaaand Kyle again.
112-If your best friend died, what would you do?
I would be devastated.
113-Something you’ve lied about.
I lie all the time about my gender/sexuality. Have to play it safe and be a good little "girl" until I have a place of my own.
114-Have you ever felt replaced?
115-Say 5 facts about your bestfriend(s):
-Kyle is the only one I tell EVERYTHING to. My deepest thoughts and fears, insecurities, etcs.
-Lyn loves to tease me about how sexually innocent I am and she has a major fetish for virgins. I'm certain she's attracted to me because of that LOL.
-Nick and I connect about dealing with being self-destructive. He gets how I feel, even if I don't tell him why I'm feeling that way.
-Kyle and I are planning a future together.
-Nick broke up with my ex best friend and a month later I stopped being her friend. And now Nick and I are best friends. cx
116-The last person you hugged?
I think it was Carli.
117-Story of your first kiss?
Okay so this is actually kind of funny to me. It was my ex best friend, Nick, Jessica, Kyle and I. We were sitting at a table at the Renaissance faire. Nick and she-who-shall-not-be-named were pressuring us into kissing, talking about how cute it would be. After like twenty minutes of me almost gaining the courage, then chickening out and making fun of how Nick wanted to see two guys kiss, Kyle finally kissed me. Well, at the moment it happened, the two had turned their heads XD so Nick was like "AWH I MISSED IT" and my friend Jeremiah sat with us and was like "what did I miss?" And this guy making fun of Jeremiah mocked him in a derp voice loudly "WHAT DID I MISS" and Jessica was in the middle of taking a drink and she laughed, choked and threw up. XD
118-Do you like kissing in public?
119-Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
Technically Kyle is 11 days older than me. Lol.
120-You have a preference for boys or girls?
Guys for sure.
121-Is the male or female body closest to perfection?
Both have the potential.
127-What is the first thing you notice in someone?
Probably their eyes. With Kyle it was definitely his eyes. He has HUGE deer-like blue eyes. *.*
128-Are looks important in a relationship?
Kind of. I can't date someone I'm not at least a little bit attracted to.
129-What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?
Their hair and skin. I like a well-groomed man.
130-What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?
Ah, as long as it's legal (well if your partner is 18 and you're at least 16) and they aren't too far apart in age to relate to one another, it's okay. c:
131-Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?
Been there, done that. Never again.
133-Do you have a crush on anyone?
My boyfriend? lol
134-A description of the girl/boy you like:
Ah. He's kind of short, currently he has half-blonde half-brown soft hair. He has big blue eyes. He's a gamer and a nerd lmao. But a total sweetheart with an awesome sense of humor.
135-Say 1 fact about the person you like:
He goes on a major cleaning rage when he's pissed off.
136-If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?
Be devastated. But move on with life.
137-When was the last time you told someone you loved them?
A few moments ago.
138-Do you think someone has feelings for you?
Like five girls plus my boyfriend. lol
139-Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
140-Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?
Yeah. Kyle himself hasn't made me cry, but my insecurities about losing him have.
141-Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?
Haven't we all.
142-Anyone you’re giving up on?
143-Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
Kyle. I actually thought he was super annoying when I first met him.
144-Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?
Ah yeah. Joe for sure. LOL.
145-Have you ever liked one of your best friends?
Yeah. Hate her now though. I was bi-curious. And she knew about it and rejected me with a smile on her face. Stupid cunt.
146-Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?
Of course. But there's fewer who actually try to keep me.
147-Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?
148-Is there someone you will never forget?
153-What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?
Ah there's been several. But once when I was like 12, I was coming out of a store crying because a random stranger called me a fatass. A woman who was selling roses stopped me, told me I was beautiful and gave me a rose.
154-What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?
I just want to fall asleep with Kyle while listening to his heartbeat. I enjoy things like that.
157-Are you in love?
158-Are you in a relationship?
159-If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?
His humor and ability to cheer me up.
160-Are relationships ever worth it?
If there is love between the two, yes.
161-Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?
Ah this guy I was interested in last summer. But he took too long to make a move and I had already fallen for Kyle anyway. I just didn't think it would happen lol.
162-Can you commit to one person?
163-Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?
Already have. Kyle and I have been together for a little over 10 months. n.n
164-Do you ever want to get married?
It's not all that important to me.
165-Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?
167-Do you get jealous easily?
168-The last time you felt jealous, and why?
Ah, when Kyle's friend took a picture of him and another guy sharing a slice of pizza. But that was a while ago and after I talked to the two of them, I realized that it was a dare and the other guy is straight anyway. LOL
169-What is your definition of cheating?
Anything physical, and even being really interested in someone else. I'm possessive and I don't want the owner of my heart trying to capture someone else's.
170-Have you ever been cheated on?
171-Do you forgive betrayal?
Depends. But most often, no.
172-Have you ever cheated on someone?
I would never.
173-Why did your last relationship fail?
He was trying too hard to prove his masculinity, he was all about sex, I was gender-confused and hung up on my ex.
174-Things you want to say to an ex:
I hope you burn in hell.
175-A description of the person you dislike the most:
Too much makeup, unoriginal haircut, doesn't know how to dress for her body type, thinks she's hot, back-stabbing, rude and manipulative.
176-If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?
Depends on first true love? If it was the person who I first loved and he didn't love me back, NO. If it were the one who loves me back, then yeah? I would question why he's apologizing though since we're still together though XD
177-How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?
I think officially, like 3.
178-How long was your longest relationship?
Kyle and I have been dating a little longer than 10 months. c:
179-You’ll love me if…
You have a similar sense of humor and love of the strange.
180-Share a relationship story:
Once when I went to Kyle's house, we were cuddling on his bed and he decided to ask me about sex. We were both kinda nervous talking about it but when I told him about how innocent and clueless I am about sex, he admitted that he wasn't a virgin. Which I was fine with, but really nervous because he'll know what he's doing when the time comes and I won't have a damn clue. But then he told me, "but the others don't matter because you're the one I actually love. you'll be the one that matters the most." And I just cherish that moment because no one has ever put me first or even close to being the most important.
Music, movies and books
181-How often do you listen to music?
All the time if I can help it.
182-What kind of music do you listen to?
All kinds, except country and rap. And especially country rap. (Yes, this horror does exist)
183-Do you like to dance?
To be honest I've never tried but I love watching dancers and I secretly aspire to be one.
185-Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
186-Share a song that takes you to a certain memory in the past:
Vanilla Twilight by Owl City. Kyle held me and sang it to me.
187-A song that’s been stuck in your head:
Everybody Talks- Neon Trees :D
188-Put your music player on shuffle and write the first ten songs that play:
-Here In Your Arms- Hellogoodbye
-The Drug in Me is You- Falling in Reverse
-Get Your Body Beat- Combichrist
-Lollipop- Framing Hanley
-Fuck You- Sleeping with Sirens
-Fallen Angels- Black Veil Brides
-Smokahontas- Attack Attack!
-Prom Night- Jeffree Star
-Hot Problems- TeraBrite
-Oh Oh Oh Sexy Vampire- Fright Ranger
189-A book you want to read/have recently read:
I want to read the last book of Fallen
190-Describe your dream library:
Lots of smutty fantasy romance. LOTS.
191-Last movie you just watched:
50 First Dates
192-Do you like watching what type of movies?
Adventure, comedy, fantasy
Situations and crazy things
193-You’re in a tattoo parlor about to get inked. What are you getting done?
Butterfly tattoo on my wrist. c:
194-What’s something you can see yourself going to jail for?
Probably theft. lol
195-If you could be any character, from any literary work, who would you choose to be?
I would say Cam from Fallen. He's badass.
196-You’re given $10,000…under one condition: you cannot keep the money for yourself. Who would you give it to?
My friends c:
197-If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?
I would change the part where I became manipulated by that cunt.
198-If you were an element on the Periodic Table, which would you be and why?
199-If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?
Freshman year. I could forget all the crying I did over those disgusting people.