- Created By ilovetamaki
Still Sick and Stuff
Well I've caught this pretty crappy cold that I'm hoping goes away otherwise I'm going to be so miserable this next week. Next week is the end of third quarter and I'm patiently waiting for it to be spring break. I'd love nothing more than a whole week to lie around and not go to school lol. I just got home from school, I spent the last ten minutes crying thanks to something my aunt had said to me on the way home. Me and Brandon anounced our engagement on facebook (so that my family could see and know). I felt like we needed to get it done and over with. My aunt said that my uncle Robert, someone who I hold so dear to me (he's been a big influence in my life since he moved here and joined the family), was upset about it. I don't necessarily know what she meant by that but it really hurt. Then she went on to say that he has no goals, no aspirations...and if he is, he isn't really pursuing them. I don't know whether or not he is, but from the way I see it...she's right. I told her that maybe he's not, but...what am I supposed to do? Throw my feelings away? Just stop caring and loving him? I also told her that it was my choice and that I'm going to be 18 in 6 months and I don't see the big deal. It hurts that they don't approve, but I knew they weren't going to. It gives me a lot to think about, but just the thought of the thought itself of breaking up with him...losing him...hurts so much. And that's just the thought of it. I know things with us aren't perfect. There's so many imperfections. I'm not perfect, he's not perfect. Of course it's not going to be perfect because neither of us are perfect, and nobody else is at the matter. All I know is I see where she's coming from and I"m not going to lie. It bothers me, but at this point all I can do is wait until something happens. I've already "mothered" him (in his words) and "nagged him" (his words once again) to get a job, which in my mind isn't right...he should have been working on getting one from the get-go with everything that has been going on. I know that I've been pushing and pushing AND PUSHING him to get a job, but it's important to me that he wants more out of life. I'm not satisfied with having the bear minimum. No, I don't mean I want to be rich (although it'd be nice), I just want the most out of life I can get. Sure, it'd be great to get mediocre jobs and live mediocre lives, but I don't want that. I want to be able to say I've lived life to the fullest. That's just me, though. I'm a go-getter haha. :3. The only thing I want to know is if he has the hunger for life too. I want to know what's going on in his head which only ever seems to be filled with me or the thought of him maybe being a father or not only because that's really all he talks about. I don't mind that, I just...gah....not knowing what where he wants to go in life and whether or not he's going to pursue it-or if he knows that he wants to do something whether or not he knows what it is-drives me crazy. It puts me in a rough spot. It really, really does. Right now I'm just focusing on not letting my family get to me because it is in fact MY choice. I love him, and that's that.
Diablo III
I got my Diablo III game set up once again and started playing it for the first time since probably October if not earlier. I haven't been wanting to play it because of the lag it has playing on this laptop. It's not a terrible lag, but it makes battling a huge group of guys a lot harder, especially when they surround me. I have used a Demon Hunter, which was my first character-Evangeline and a Monk, my second character-Makina. I just made a new character, a wizard-Illya. I love the name Illya. :P. I'm feeling really sick which I am assuming I got from my mom. My cough is ridiculous and is dry so it hurts my throat. Brandon just left and I already miss him. He was helping me try and beat the first boss on Diablo, but I never beat him. Brandon is such a great boyfriend...err fiancé :). lol :3.
<WhatItFeelsLike>
Well, I feel like for the most part a lot has calmed down finally after the past couple of weeks. I mean, there's still stuff going on that causes some tensions but I'm not complaining, because everything is feeling much better than before.
Right now I'm laying in bed just thinking, which is never good for me because I think too much haha. The topic that's mostly taking over my brain tonight is Brandon. The best topic of them all. haha. :). I'm just reflecting on everything that has happened in the past 2 1/2--almost 3 months of being together. I can pick out the happiest memories I have had with him right now. The first one, him sneaking over when my mom was at work. I remember that day, I was in need of human company. Badly. And he had been on my mind for a week or so. I missed him. Gosh, I was in such denial about it because of the ridicule I have gotten from friends and family from even thinking about having feelings for him. That day was one of the first great days I had for a while then, especially after losing my job at Wendy's and the great people that went along with it. I'd have to say the next memory would be when he took me to see The Hobbit and when I got home I was accused of having sex with him. Then I remember going to the mall with him and being dressed up as Pinkie Pie then later that day going to Devin's house to hang out with all of them. Then the night he didn't have a way home or anywhere to stay so he just ended up staying at my house. First time I guy has EVER slept over at my house (that wasn't family or a family friend). We tried so hard to stay up. I couldn't, he did. Then the next day we had sex in my car at a park. haha. The list goes on and on. Winter Carnival, staying over at his house (with a friend covering for me) for the first time, etc. I really could go on and on. It really hasn't felt like 3 months, it feels like it was just yesterday we were at Menards messing around like children.
I really miss him right now, I really wish I could have seen him today. I just know that this is what love feels like. This is what it feels like to have everything yet nothing at the same time <3. To have one person and one person only on your mind the first thing in the morning and the very last second before I pass out at night...
Friday's Eve :3
Tis Friday's Eve. I had an appointment for switching my birth control and found out that I am not pregnant which is good.
The day started out pretty well and I'd say it ended pretty well.
It's been a while since I have felt so happy yet so sad at the same time.
Things have been feeling distant with me for a while and it feels like I've actually connected today. Especially with Brandon, but more towards the last half hour of getting to be with him. It's been a really stressful past 2 weeks. I honestly have never put so much work into a relationship. To make it work. And I'm really trying because it's always been hard to stay with one guy for a long time which is why he and I was on and off for about 3 years. I get scared, I freak out. I don't know. But I love him so much, and I have never loved someone so much in my life, so it's extra scary.
I had orientation today, and I have to say I'm super duper excited to work. Hopefully the new surrounding will take the edge off of life. It's going to add some stress because it's work, but I really feel like work is good for the soul. lol.
I had a good day for the first time in a couple of weeks so I feel good.
Messy Situation
As of late I have had a major pregnancy scare. I just took a pregnancy test this morning and it came back negative (4 days before expected period) so hopefully that was a good indicator that I'm not. I don't want to be pregnant, I'm only 17. It's been rought because just the idea is scary as all hell. It doesn't help that Brandon doesn't have a job and just before last week, I didn't either. I'm glad I finally have a job, because it was hard not doing anything. I thought I enjoyed always laying around and having a ton of free time, but I really don't. The only good part about having free time is I get to spend it with Brandon. I just feel like it's really really important that I have a job. And it's important that he has one too. I've never been all to hung up on the thought of being with a guy who isn't going anywhere with his life. That drives me crazy. That's why I broke up with my ex, Blake, last year. He wasn't going anywhere in life and there he is lying around in Missouri, still not going anywhere for life. The only reason why I haven't ended it with Brandon is because I love him more than I have loved any other guy that I have been with. I WANT to make it work, I'm tired of running away when there's a problem. I need to stick around and atleast try to make it work. I don't want to have to leave one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I'm just not quite sure that he gets that. He says he is trying and is trying rather hard, but who knows what his trying hard is compared to mine. I have a lot of hunger for life. I love soaking in every moment I can-embracing it. Yes, sometimes I lose my way (especially as of late), but I want to feel as fullfilled as possible.
So far, I do have a lot of regrets as far as school goes. I wish I would have tried harder and worked harder at getting my grades up. I wish I would have taken more vigorous classes, but I also have to look at the fact that I was told by people around me that I wasn't smart enough, my imagination was too big. As for my family, they never encouraged me to do a good job or to do better in school. So now that I have figured out that I need to take the initiative and take action to make something out of myself, unlike the rest of my family. So it's really important to me that I have a job again to start my future back up...and now that I'm engaged, I'd like the fiancé to be just as committed as I am to make he and I work. Committed to get us an apartment after I graduate and to get a good education and to start a great, long life together... It's what I want the most.. :/
These are all my thoughts. I astrayed a little, but yeah. It's how I feel and I needed to get that out since I can't see my therapist until April. T_T
