- Created By ilovetamaki
Break?
The past 3 weeks or so has been nothing but fighting with me and Brandon. Sunday he went about "talking to me" in an extremely wrong way. When he confronts me, WHEN he does, it's like he talks to me like I don't have any feelings. I can't say that I know for sure that I don't talk to him that way, but wow. He attacks me by saying that I don't care that he's hurting and went and told my friend that I don't show that I love him.
Even though I told him I would still be with him if his daughter was in fact really his, now that we know it's extremely difficult for me to take it all in. He jumped in it like it was this amazing thing, and you know, bringing a life into this world, that's a big deal and it is amazing, but he didn't really stop to think how I'd feel about it. I felt like I had to room to say anything, because the only thing that even remotely connects me to the situation is him.
It's been a while now that I've had a lot on my mind but he made it clear as to what he'd do if I ever said something along the lines.
With what I go through from time to time, I don't need him there to yell at me or reprimand me for anything. He has no room to tell me I'm wrong when he doesn't know how I'm feeling. And he wonders why I don't want to tell him.
I have been crying a lot lately do to the circumstances and yesterday, in the middle of school, I broke down and just bawled my eyes out. I have never really done that in school-not that bad. I was a wreck. I calmed myself down for the most part but got home and broke down again until I once again had to calm myself down because I had to work. Then, I was shown something and got really upset. Brandon even addressed it to me. That this wasn't his fault. Pretty much said it was mine because I "think too much" and care too much about the future. The future is what holds my life. If I don't think about that, if I don't plan for it, I'm screwed. News flash to him, I know exactly what I want. I know exactly who I want to be and what I exactly want to know. So he has NO room to tell me that I'm thinking too much about it. Of course, in a way, he is right. But he didn't need to go about that the way he did.
When I told him we should take a break (and not see other people) he behaved in such a juvenile way. He handled it like a child.... I'm just trying to make things work without resorting to break up because I don't want to break up. I'm the one who has been trying to be strong. Trying to put on a face so everyone thinks I'm okay. So I don't cause anyone any strife or further stress, but it's so hard to do when pieces of you are being torn away. We talked about it and I am hoping, almost praying (and I don't even believe in god) that he understands and that he sees what this has all caused me. Of course, I can't show him everything. But I just hope he gets it... Hope that he sees it and is willing to try and work with me on it. I can't change my head, I can't change my feelings, if I could I would.
Not talking to him is the hardest thing in the world right now. I just want to message him and tell him that I am sorry and that I love him but I don't want him to get the idea that I'm taking all of the blame because I refuse to do that. He put himself...and ME in this situation. He made poor decisions and he's said some hurtful things. That I'm not quite over yet. That I don't forgive him for right now because I am so hurt by it. I can't even explain the feeling. It's just awful. I want to cry...again. I'm not ready to see him or talk to him right now but I sure do want to... And who's to say he wants to talk to me? I mean...really..
Another "Lovely" Day.
Today I got to see Brandon, but the mood was off. Almost the entire time. He dissed my mom, completely understandably, but he took it too far, I think. Then he claimed that if she "keeps it up" he won't come over anymore. Then at the mall he put me on the spot saying that I'm always on my phone, because my uncle told me to tell my sister it's rude to talk on the phone when she's with her boyfriend. I don't TALK on the phone.. and when I text/play games, I still make an effort to talk to Brandon. It made me mad because he had no right in telling me that since he does it to me, too. I got really angry. I couldn't even look at him. I went to the bathroom to call Kaylee when he went outside, but couldn't get a hold of her.. I was ready to burst into tears. We talked it over...and I forgive him for it. I really do. It's not that big of a deal to me. I just don't think he understands why I'm so worried about having to be in contact with his ex to see his daughter. There's no way in hell I'd EVER try and prevent him from seeing his daughter or giving the "it's me or her" ultimatum. That's not who I am and it goes against my morals, but I am however, against her attempting to get back with him. Nothing ticks me off more. She's pretty much the first real threat I have.. And I don't think he gets that. Who knows if he could ever understand or for anyone to understand. I'm sitting here trying to give it all that I have not to worry, but that's so hard. So..difficult... I honestly can't be the only person in this world feeling this way. HE NEEDS TO UNDERSTAND THAT IM GOING CRAZY OVER THIS BECAUSE I LOVE HIM. It's more than just jealousy. It's the most terrifying thought that I finally am with someone who I belong with.. I feel like he's MY one..and MY only.. I don't want to lose that ever. He's scared that it's going to break us, but it's not. Not unless he cheats on me, and I don't think he will.. I wouldn't be so worried if I didn't care or didn't love him...
This is all that I've got right now... No one knows me like he does. No one cares about me like he does. And I don't love anybody like I love him. I don't want to lose this...just as much as he doesn't want to lose it.
Well~
I haven't been feeling myself the past several days at all. I keep trying to get myself out of this hole, but it's not working. Right now, all I am hoping for is just ONE. ONE good day with no bad news, no drama, no worrying or stress. None. As of late, that's all I have been doing. Worrying and stressing out. Over the stupidest things, too. Some of the things I were about aren't so stupid and they're the reasons why I'm stressing over the little things! I still feel cut off from everybody. I feel like I can't connect with them. I can be so close to someone, right next to them but feel nothing but coldness. No warmth or comfort. No "oh hey it's going to be alright" feeling. I know that in the end, everything will be alright though. I know it. Whatever happens, it'll be for the best. Everything does happen for a reason and I believe that whole heartedly. Right now, I'm trying my hardest to find what that reason is. Why am I placed in a situation where it feels like my hardships are made into a competition with others' hardships. Placed in the situation where I'm more than just terrified of losing Brandon and simply because I let my mind wander. Because just because we're engaged, doesn't mean he can't change his mind or later on in life decides that I'm not good enough and that he can do much better. Is it the lack of confidence in myself? Lack of confidence in him? I don't even know. I get to see my therapist in a week. I can't even tell anyone how much I'm looking forward to that. I feel like I'm going crazy and that I'm losing myself along with the people around me because my inability to express myself, my inability to get my point across. And sometimes I am so lost that I don't even know what I'm lost about. So when people ask why, I can't even give them a solid reason. Not like they could help me anyways, I feel too far gone.
I just have to keep telling myself that I got through this once and I can do it again. I just need to keep on going and keep on giving myself hope (which right now I'm trying to find some but no luck)
Support?
I feel like I always have something bad to talk about, which isn't fun at all. But I need to talk about it somewhere. I don't feel like anyone gets it until I post it on here. Regardless if anyone ever reads/comments on it. It's just getting it out.
I've been under a lot of stress..and pressure. It's been really, really hard. My family REALLY doesn't support me when it has anything to do with Brandon-simply because they don't like him. But they don't know him. I'm trying really hard to have a serious relationship and it's hard when they are constantly doubting me. I have so many questions, so many things I need advice on..or just things I need support on and no one is there. They never have anything logical to say. On top of that, I feel like people are doubting my maturity level. Yes, I can be immature. I say and do some petty immature things, but I'm still a teenager. I'm allowed to. I can't let everything slip away too fast! Anyways, regardless of any of that, I'm really mature and really smart. Nothing drives me more crazy when people think that just because I'm 17 means that I have no idea what's going on. I know how to take care of myself. I know how to be responsible. If I had a more steady, well paying job, I don't need my mommy to take care of me. As much as she DOES do for me (puts a roof over my head and feeds me and gives me gas money SOMETIMES), she really doesn't mother me like my other friends. I might as well be on my own once I get a job because I'll be paying pills hardcore. I would probably end up helping with rent, too. She doesn't ask, but I helped her with the gas bill and other bills plenty of times because I wanted to help her. I don't really get much in return.. I don't want material things I just want my mom to support me. Not only my mom but my aunt. My best friend supports me but she has no idea what it's like to be in such a serious relationship that sometimes her advice is extremely farfetched or extremely.. superficial. I know what it's like to live on the edge, living with very little. Unlike her. So she can't really relate and I don't hate her for that. It's just getting harder and harder not to have someone there for me through all of this...
I'm so tired of crying.
Yesterrdaaay
Yesterday Brandon found out he was a dad from an ex girlfriend. It's crazy to say or even hear. I told him before though, that I was sticking by his side regardless and I meant that. A whole 100%. I know that a lot is going to change, but I mean, it's life. Stuff happens. I'm willing to go through this with him. I met up with him at the park to see him and try and comfort him. I was really worried. After about an hour and a half/hour, I got a message asking if I could babysit for a friend that I know from when I went to church. I was unsure about it at first, because I don't like babysitting. I'm not too good with kids. lol. (Which cripples the situation with Brandon a tad bit more). I asked if Brandon could join me and she said it was okay and to be there in like 5 minutes. XD. She just lives down the street from me (and the park where we were at) so it was all good. We got there and it was really easy watching them. I knew that they were going to be good though because I knew them through church. They are very well behaved. I just didn't know they were going to be THAT cooperative. I made them mac n cheese and butchered it. So yeah. XD. That sucked. Then we all sat on the couch to watch tv. We ended up watching Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends because I saw it on demand on cable and was like "WE ARE WATCHING THAT" and they had the episode with Cheese in it! I was excited haha. After that we put them to bed. They were so sweet. After I took the youngest (3) into bed, the other girl (8) came up to me and gave me a huge hug and it was like..the sweetest thing EVER. It was great being able to spend that time with Brandon, too. It was almost like we were looking into a glass ball seeing what our future would look like together. haha. :P. It was great.
