I'm trying not to pretend,
It won't happen again and again like that.
I never thought it would end,
'cause you got up in my head, in my head like that.
Staring at the damp ground beneath my feet, I wondered how I had gotten there. Everything was a blur, passing me by. It didn’t seem to matter what I did, where I went, what I said, how I felt, or who I was. I was just over looked, easily missed. I wasn’t important, so it was easy to just become overlooked. I should be used to it by now, but each time it hurt worse than the last. The wall I had built up was filled with cracks, and no amount of repairing it seemed to do any good.
It was my own fault that I had become like this. There was no one to blame but myself, and it only hurt worse. It would have been better if I could throw the blame on someone else, easier. But, that would be the coward’s way out. How befitting of me.
The rain pelted me from above as if in punishment. It could wash away the blood, the dirt, the tears. But, it couldn’t wash away the pain. Nothing would ever be able to do so. I was stuck. Stuck in a loop of never ending turmoil that seemed to follow me everywhere I went. I thought I could escape; I thought I had escaped it. But, I was naïve. One can never truly escape the past.
Finally, I looked up, praying he wouldn’t be standing there to see me in such a miserable, depressing state. But, a part of me was hopeful that he would be. It would prove that I meant something to him, that I meant anything to him. I was foolish to expect anything however. My hopes were so easily crushed.
I was all alone. All by myself to try and pick up the pieces of my shattered life and soul and to try and hopelessly put it all back together again. Dropping to my knees, I let the rain water soak into my pants. What did I care of my appearance. I deserved all the shame and humiliation I would receive. I killed them.
My foolishness cost them their lives. They were innocent; I was the guilty one. I was the one that deserved to die, to rot in hell, to beg for the Lord’s forgiveness. The look in their life filled eyes as I killed them would haunt me for the rest of my life. Falling, I rolled unto my back and let the raindrops smother my face and body. If I died here, it would be a blessing. I could join them.
Equivalent exchange. I know the law all too well. You cannot gain anything without sacrificing something. You must present something of equal value in order to gain something. That is the principle of equivalent exchange. I understood now that you can never replace what was once lost. Not completely. Not fully. Equivalent exchange is not something to test out, to tempt the lord with. To do such a thing should be punishable. Well, I was punished.
I closed my eyes, letting the tears fall and mix with the rain before disappearing into the ground. The physical pain was beginning to numb. It was no longer worse than the emotional pain. Flashes of a life they could have led, of a life without me pulsed through my mind like a movie clip. How joyous they could have been.
Today was supposed to be a day of celebration. I was celebrating death.
As I lay dying, thinking of all the wrong I had inflicted, there was only one image that wouldn’t leave my consciousness. It was the only image that had pushed me forward. It was of the only man I had ever loved, the only one I had let get close enough to truly understand me. But, he had left me behind. Just like all the others. Now, I was truly alone.
This was my just desserts.
With one final vision of a life I could have led with him, the darkness started to take over. Roy. Roy. Roy. Like an echo that would never die.
I'm trying not to pretend,