As the title says, I am not doing well right now. At all.
I feel like crying every time I think about Joe. And not necessarily because we broke up. I mean, yes, that is a big part of it. But, I always knew it was coming. What I am most upset about is that he's doing this for me so that I'll be happy. He's sacrificing his own happiness to make sure I get better than him. He told me last night that everyone he's ever dated married the person they dated after Joe. But that doesn't make me feel any better. I wanted him.
So, now I just am completely numb to everything except the tears when they just spring up.
I worked at the golf course with Joe last night. He wouldn't even look at me, let alone talk to me. I texted him after work and he told me it was hard to even look at me. It is just so awkward. I don't know if I want to keep working there if this will continue.
I just don't know what to do.
My appetite is gone. It is 9:02 Sunday morning. And I haven't eaten anything since noon on Friday. I have no ambition to do anything right now other than get dressed for work and then do my job. But, anytime I have to stop the golf cart and wait for players to get done on the greens or whatever, I just start spacing off, and they have to get my attention. That is unacceptable.
So, ya. That's where I am right now.
So, last night I decided to go watch the new Star Trek movie with my friends. And earlier that day I had gone thrift shop shopping with some friends, and I sent Joe a picture of me in an old lady outfit and asked him if he would still want to have sex with me if I wore that. And he said "If we could anymore." So, I asked him what that meant, and he said "I just don't know where to go from here. And I'm sad."
So, I asked if this had anything to do with work finding out, and he said amongst other things- same old crap it always is. I asked what that meant, and he said same as it did before. And I was like, so you want to break up with me, and he said I should/can move on. He apologized and told me to forgive him someday. Then he goes and says:
For what it's worth... I really do love you and not sure I'll ever meet anyone else like you... I know that isn't much and probably makes me an asshole to say but it's true.
(Oh, and I should say that all this is being texted during the movie)
I told him if he ever gets better to come find me, and he said he promised he would.
Then he kept calling himself names, and I told him to stop it. I don't think he's pathetic or horrible. And he asked why I didn't think so, all he does is hurt people and that he has trouble dealing with himself at the moment. But, I believe he is doing what he is doing because he thinks it's what's best. I still think he's a good man, even if he doesn't think so. Always will, always have. And he tells me I'm too good for him- that it sounds cheap but it's true.
Then he tells me I don't have to help him through his pity-fest... "especially after I hurt you... get mad at me or something... I deserves it." I told him I was still his friend and would always be her for him. Then he tells me I'm breaking his heart.
Me? He doesn't think he's breaking mine?
But, I apologized, and he said don't be sorry... I just feel terrible... having trouble deciding why life is worth living. I told him he broke my heart, too, but we'd both be okay. Then he tells me he's crying. And so was I.
God, I was breaking down and sobbing in the theater.
Then he sends me this:
I know... God I couldn't feel worse... I'm so sorry... If I don't make it I do love you
I told him I loved him to and that he was going to make it. And I made him promise me he wasn't going to do anything, but he said he couldn't. I begged him to not do anything. If he did, I would never forgive myself. and he told me it wasn't my fault and that I shouldn't feel bad. He did this to us. He failed me; he failed us.
then he called me, so I stepped out of the theater and talked to him. And he basically said a lot of the same stuff he said last weekend. Told me I deserved better, that I would be okay, that I would find someone and be so much better off and happy with the next person I was with.
Then he started talking about how he would punish himself for what he had done, and it was at about this time the movie got done, so my friends all came over to me and they just hugged me while I sobbed, and Joe kept trying to calm me down, telling me it would be okay. I didn't want him to punish himself. I don't want that at all.
We talked the whole way back to the school, then he let me go, and he sent me another text saying
I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry... for everything I've ever done... for everything I will do.
aNd he wanted to see me to talk in person, and I did, too, but not that night. I asked to see him tonight, but he said he didn't know what he'd do before then. And I made him promise me he wouldn't do anything.
So we went to bed, and this morning, he sent me this text
I'm sorry for everything... I don't really know what else to say... I'm just sorry and will miss you. that I shouldn't be sorry and that he hopes I get to be happy.
Then I asked if he wanted to meet up tonight like planned and he doesn't know if he can because he has to do this and seeing me makes it really hard.
So, now I have to go work at the golf course in about 40 minutes. Not sure what's gonna happen.
I have never hurt this badly in my life.
I know things will get better. I do. But, it just sucks right now.
So, Joe texted me today. Turns out work found out about us.
Let me explain the chain of work.
So There's the company. The company has the founder, a guy that works under him, and Joe's mom. These three people are in charge of three businesses under this company. Joe is the pro at Business A, which I work at. If you remember me talking about Danny and Chad, they work at Business B. Then there's Business C, but that's not involved with this.
So, turns out one of my coworkers' husbands' told one of the workers at Business B who told the founder and Joe's mom about Joe and I. So, the founder gave Joe this big lecture about dating his direct employees, and apparently he's in a lot of trouble but doesn't really know what's going to happen. He says no one's gonna say anything to me about it and that I won't get into any trouble, but we'll have to see.
But the worst part is that this is the first real conversation Joe and I have had since Saturday night.And then he didn't even want to really talk to me about it. He kept saying he had to go. He was freaking out. So, he left me to worry about this all on my own.
So, as an update from last night. I went and hung out with a friend of mine. Went to McDonalds for some supper than went to Walmart. I was telling her about Joe and I, and it was 10 and Joe still hadn't responded, so she told me I should text him ...
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Last night, Joe was texting me. HE had to golf up in the cities to pass some test. Which he did, by three strokes. So, he gets home and I'm hoping that he'll text me about hanging out. But that doesn't happen. He texts me at like 11:30 and asks wh...
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