What am I even doing?

Hello everyone!
So basically, if there was an award for the most inconsistent blogger ever, I would probably win that award. I want to welcome and thank anyone who ever comes across my blog. Shout out to my long-time readers, you guys probably hate me haha but thank you so much for sticking it out, you guys definitely deserve a gold star! Or, if no one actually reads these, that's fine too. If anyone is out there reading this though, I just want you know that I appreciate you very much :)

Current Mood: Honestly I'm a little sad and lost and confused. And I guess in all of that a little lonely, but with prayer and the support of my husband, I'm getting better, step by step.

So now, a bunch of updates plus details and hopefully I'll be able to tie it all in together this time around. Again, thank you for bearing with me. Especially with my incorrect tense forms and whatever else. Grammar police can just take me away now...

1. Well, I got married this past July!
This was probably the most stressful yet exciting thing ever. For anyone who ever gets engaged, based on my experience, in the beginning it will be complete bliss. Then, although you and your man may possibly have everything figured out or are working things out together, even if you're on the same wavelength there will be other people inquiring about your wedding who honestly most of them do have good intentions, but then they'll forcefully input their opinions or won't agree with what you're thinking or whatever. Even if you don't ask. These people could be random strangers, co-workers, friends, family, your own mother, etc. Then at the very end it could get a little bit stressful just tying some last ends and getting some last minute details together. But then, at the end of it all you realize that you are still getting married to this wonderful person and you've been able to put up with all of this crap other people have been throwing at you and you realize that he's worth it and then TA-DAAN! You're married. Then relief and even more bliss will follow. Honestly with my dad's health and everything else just made the prep work that much worse but it's September now and honestly I still have these moments of "Oh my goodness I am married to this man. I am his wife. THIS IS REAL LIFE!!!" After dating for nearly five years, I am so excited and thankful and everything.

2. I moved.
Completely new area. The places are barely familiar and only my husband and his family and a few friends from college who live at least 30 minutes away are what I recognize. When I say recognize I mean more than just that though, but I need another word and can't think of one aside from "familiar" haha
(recap: my husband and I were in a long distance relationship until we got married, then I moved to his area because I figured that he is the one with the stable job, a car that's actually his, and he has his own place and isn't living with his parents still. Where there I was, with a full time job as a librarian that unfortunately didn't get paid nearly as much. I had a car too, but it's twelve years old and my mom just passed it down so she could get a new car, but everything legally was still under her name. Plus, I was still living with my parents. Also, I'm from a small town, which definitely has its perks, but if he moved down here he would probably have a hard time with job hunting. Also, I think between the two of us, I'm the one who adjusts better to new things. So I decided to make the sacrifice, because I'm the more adventurous one. )

3. Basically, I am in the process of an extreme transition.
Well, new everything. Now that my husband is working again (he's a teacher and school is back in session...*sigh*) I'm kinda left home alone for 8 hours with nothing to do. Even though he teaches upstairs in his office (online teacher) I'm just everywhere else, by myself. I will admit, facing reality after the bliss of being married and then our honeymoon and then just the time before the school year not having to worry about work and just doing anything and everything at our own pace was so nice. And I mean SO NICE. It was almost a fairy tale. Especially after being in a long distance relationship for so long, I love just being around him all the time, because we finally have that opportunity. Just spending time with each other, finally no reservations, plus I'm an extrovert and my main love language is quality time so it didn't bother me at all. Also, this is going to sound extremely childish of me, but he becomes more grown up and mature whenever work comes back around again. He even told me that, which is funny because I've already noticed. I already noticed that when we were still in college and it was his senior year. At the time I remember thinking "so this is what's going to be like from here on." Funny how things go full-circle, right? I mean, he is older than me and stuff, but not by much and I don't feel that age gap. But at the same time personality wise he is just more responsible and mature than I am, so now that he's working again I kinda feel like that kid who lost her playmate. Also, since I know how busy work can get, I feel like that kid who is too shy and kinda discouraged to ask if their playmate wants to do anything because I don't want to inconvenience them. So yeah, it does all make me kinda lonely...

4. I am currently unemployed but my husband has a job so that's why I'm not living in a box...
It doesn't really stress me out...well, only slightly. I'm not exactly eager to start working, I just feel like I need to. My mom is the main provider for my family and for some reason our family is set up to where the men don't do as much as the women do. I guess we all have issues but especially our men, and most of those issues unfortunately can't be helped (like health reasons, psychological development and others' inability to cooperate properly, or just pure laziness). I was always running around taking care of my family while balancing job and then wedding planning that suddenly being in a situation where I could sit still at first was nice, but then I started to feel kinda guilty and pressured because my mom would continuously be asking me how job hunting was or if I decided that I wanted to go back to school. But then, my mother-in-law said I didn't need to be in a rush and even decide to just not work if I wanted to. Honestly that does sound kinda nice, but I have a student loan and I don't want all of the monetary stress to fall on my husband. I don't mind working and I even told him that although I really appreciate that he would be okay with that, I might actually get tired from staying at home all of the time. I mean, I'm an extrovert haha but for now I guess it's just nice being able to take my time...but then, I started to really struggle with feeling useless. Lately, I've been hearing a lot of updates from my family back home and it's so weird because I'm so used to being there to take care of everything and iron things out and be supportive by being there to do things. But, I'm not there, so I can only talk to people and give suggestions whenever I can instead of putting things into action. It's definitely been different. Also, with Miles going back to work and me just lounging around at home, I don't know, I just don't want to feel like I'm not helping or anything and lately I've been feeling like, well, that I'm honestly just "here" and that's it. Like, things have been going on and life is going on and the best I can do right now is just take up space or something. I mean like I said, I'm not eager to jump into a job, I just feel like I need to. The only problem is (well, maybe not the ONLY problem), I'm not used to thinking for myself. I have moved from a place where I just had to take whatever I could get, to a place where I can actually think about what I want to pursue, and that's really weird for me. I honestly don't know what I want, or what I like, and it makes me feel a little bit like I don't know who I am anymore.

5. I have no idea what I'm doing with anything.
But to be honest, after talking with my husband and having him reassure me, I definitely feel a lot better. He's honestly been doing so much for me and all that he can to make this transition as comfortable as it can me, and that's so nice :) I feel like I've been starting to fall in the depths of how I've been feeling that I haven't been noticing how hard he's been trying to me, for us. It really means so much to me that he's always looking out for me, and I feel so bad because I hadn't realized it.

Basically, I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going, but I have to remember that for right now, it's okay. Things will definitely just be going up from here. :)

Until next time!

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