- Created By stars go bye
Tears of the Confused and Reassurance of Something More
Just so you know, this is going to be a potentially upsetting post, so if you continue to read this, you are warned. But then, I have some afterthoughts in the end. So this is basically a bi-polar post.
I know right. I'm already posting again so soon. It's amazing how fast things can change. I have decided that I have cried too much today already so maybe typing up my thoughts on here will put me at ease. And honestly probably make me cry more. Oh well. I will hopefully be ready to face everything again with less tears. I was just ready to burst at the seams. And well, I did, but covered it all up, hopefully.
I don't really know exactly how I've been lately. I'm really excited about car things being finished and the fact that I am on my way to having a part time job...except that I feel like I should be doing more with my life. I feel like I should be more productive, I should have a better income, I should be more social. I'm starting to realize that I don't think I can be the type of person who just sits still and do nothing. I'm honestly in this weird restless and at the same time lazy position where I'm just wasting away or something. I'm not entirely sure. I really do feel very confused about a lot of things though, even though I feel like I'm getting things, I definitely don't feel like I'm actually there.
What about kids, you say?
To be honest, I don't think I'm ready to have children yet, and honestly when I'm super down I wonder if I was even ready to be married yet if I'm not ready for that yet. I think adjusting is harder than I thought it was initially. And to be honest, I like kids, but they kinda make me nervous in a way. Well, thinking on the topic it does anyways. Also, the idea of me carrying a child inside me and raising it scares me. I definitely feel like I'm not ready to be a parent. Like do I even have mom skills? I have a bunch of other feelings on this too that are conflicting, but I've never really addressed that I'm scared and nervous until on here.
I think I am home sick.
Like, really really home sick. So homesick that when I was telling one of my best friends (who, by the way had an exam today and was still willing to do emergency girl time for me...this is why she makes the list of my inner sanctum) she pointed it out right away that I'm feeling jealous that my husband's family is so easily accessible to us.
I just need a serious angst party. Honestly, those are just parties of 1 but where can I even have that? The weather needs to be good again so I can run away lol I'm already working on a playlist 
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^I made the first part of the post when I was really feeling low...like scraping the bottom and really confused low. After visiting this post again, I decided to keep it so I can remember what I felt like a few days ago. Things really do change so quickly lol I couldn't handle it anymore and after my sleepless night of existential crisis and homesickness and extreme confusion, I confronted my husband about the things after praying about it and giving myself some space by taking a walk for some fresh air alone in a beautiful park we recently discovered. God is so merciful and kind, I even got to pet a dog and the weather really cleared up while I was walking. I decided on a plan of action and then made an effort to be kinder because my husband probably has no idea how I'm actually doing. So later that night I decided to tell him what I had decided about whether or not I should go down to visit my family or not. There was a bit of an issue and then I had to explain more, even though I said I couldn't right now because I knew that if I told him then I would fall apart. But then, I ended up telling him everything and just sobbed quietly under a blanket because I hate people seeing me cry. And I ended up telling him everything because he wasn't getting where I was coming from so in order for him to understand, I decided to lay it all out there. It was hard but it turned out okay. The next day was actually one of the best days we've ever had in a while. Well, I really enjoyed it and I hope he did too. It looked like he did and he even said, so I'm trusting that :) I think I'm still not ready for kids yet, but I'm trying to be open minded. If I discover that I am, then I'll just put it in God's hands. If He leads me to it, He'll lead me through it, right? I go back and forth with that but in the end that's always the conclusion that I come to. So yeah, I'm definitely in a better place now. Everything is slowly falling into place and I just needed some time to figure out what's going inside of me and then talking it out with the human being on this earth who is closest to me. I'm glad we're on the same team. I'm so thankful. 
That probably sounds like it doesn't make much sense. Basically I had some issues and missed what I was used to. Miles understood though, after a lot of talking since I'm the worst at explaining. I'm going to go visit but by my decision and rules. In addition to that I know that he is very kind and understanding, but I told him that I don't want him to think that we should be seeing his family less. It just means that I wanted to let him know where I was at with a lot of things. And that I was feeling jealous and a little bit left out. And a lot of things. But I didn't want him to feel bad, because that's the reason why I don't want to tell him things in the first place.
We're basically just two people who love the other person so much that it can lead to a failure of communication for fear of hurting the other person. But I guess that's most relationships. It's just so funny, sad, and ironic all at the same time...but I guess that's life.
We must continue living, but I'm willing to risk hardships on both sides in order to continue living together, even though that alone is hard.
We must continue living together, because we're a team.
Down and discouraged but fighting anyway
Okay, so I really don't know what I'm doing, and I'm still not sure as to the direction of my life...what's new hehe. All the colleges that I've applied to have accepted me. For awhile (and maybe still now) I had this conflict of passion vs. practicality. One of the colleges that I've been accepted to is in state, and I also already got accepted into their college of health professions as well. The other college that I've been accepted to, is out of state and private. However, they gave me a scholarship and I think I'd really enjoy it there. The other two colleges, one in state and another out, I went to go visit. The one in state was during some visitation day where we could witness being a music major for a day. I really liked it and got to attend classes and meet the professors and such. Unfortunately, I haven't sent in my application, and I'm not sure as to whether I should apply or not. The other out of state one, I absolutely absolutely loved the campus. It was so beautiful and I could totally see myself living there for awhile, unfortunately, the college didn't offer any of the majors I'm looking into (that is, unless I suddenly get some all-of-a-sudden strange aspiration to pursue physical therapy). But lately, I've decided to go to the out of state one with which I have applied to. For one, I think it would be better for me and benefit me...but why is this title down and discouraged, you ask? Well you see, I haven't exactly scheduled a visit day yet, we're still in that process. On top of that, even though I want to do music, I still haven't gotten a new voice teacher and on top of that I'm recovering from being sick and I'm still trying to revive my vocal cords. Also, the other option is to go for organ/piano. I thought this could work out because my background in piano is possibly more "professional" than that of voice. However, I'm not sure if I'll be fully able to bring about something together that will meet with the audition requirements. I thought I could, but now re-reading it, I'm not sure if "I got this". Tomorrow, I'm going to see my piano teacher tell her and hopefully we'll figure out some sort of solution (I'm praying) and then I'll contact the directors in charge of the music department from the college.
Even if I don't make the cut, I also reassured my parents (because there is a fee that you must pay in advance for room and board) that I'll just end up taking their courses in psychology/theology/philosophy or something. After all, that kind of stuff always intrigues me. :) I understand that if I'm not doing the right thing, GOD will tell me...but I need to make sure that I listen and that I'm open to the change. I must admit though, sometimes it's very difficult to figure out what's going on (because I mean really, I'm not even sure of what I'm doing). Well, that's my kinda-sorta plan. Typing this out and finally being able to put some thoughts to words has removed some of the stress, I guess.
I also need to figure out the whole thing with the dates of audition and when I'll visit because the first audition day conflicts with Snowball. When I told one of my friends that, she told my date and then the person who I consider as my best guy friend had a mini-panic attack. I reassured them that it'll be fine though...I hope. Basically, I really do just have to put it all in GOD's hands. Wow, I just realized how lengthy this is...but then again, I did say in the previous post that I'll go further next time. Haha
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