So much life, not enough rage quit

Hello!

So I just checked on the last time I made a blog post and realized that my attempt to be a lunch time blogger failed miserably. No follow up whatsoever miserably.

So here's another huge recap of my life and then maybe I can get a little introspective after, or maybe not, who knows.

1. I am engaged. YES! THIS IS REAL LIFE! Last summer my boyfriend proposed and is now my fiance. I can have an entire series of blogs related to this topic from feeling all of the feels to planning to blah blah blah

2. My dad has been in and out of the hospital/clinic/at home care with fluctuating health issues. Also something I could expand upon.

3. I have passed on my youth group leader title to my younger sister. It's been quite the transition but I'm dealing with it the best I can.

4. Family drama. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh........

5. Just more attempts at adulting. nfilrkzmfozijrhgozurhguizdfhbgkzjdfgk.zd.........

So yeah, quite a bit of large topics and news. I'm currently not sure how I should be feeling, but it's that time of month and an out of the ordinary one at that, so yeah. Maybe I'll watch something sad and crying will get it out of my system and then I can come back here with a clearer mind.

What is time?

Hello people who still read this...if there are people who still read this...

I've realized that it has been WAY too long since I've posted a life update or even any words for thought or random ramblings in a while, and that's not okay.

So...current rundown. After I graduated from college I moved back to my hometown and am currently living with my family. I am in a long distance relationship with the same boyfriend and we are still going strong! We are actually doing fabulous actually, despite all that DLR drama feels stuff...which is so totally real, but hey. Life. I am ironically enough a full time worker at a library (LOL) which is still funny for me because yeah, I didn't expect it. Also, I've been working with the youth at my church and trying to get them fired up for God and all that good stuff. :) There you go. My life update in a paragraph.

Of course, so many details can spring up and so many other additional blog posts can spring up regarding that one paragraph, but I'm actually doing this on my lunch break at the computer lab, so I'm in a bit of a time crunch. My laptop had been having a series of freak outs so I basically just rage quit on that a while back and haven't tried to get it fixed yet. Also, my amazing phone that was a hybrid that had touch screen and a keyboard with buttons died...so now I'm forced to use just a touchscreen, and that doesn't help me with my blogger spirit. So, here I am. Hopefully I can stay after work longer (if I'm not in a rush to get out) or just continue to blog during lunch (YAY LUNCH TIME BLOGGER!) in order for me to do this more because even though it may be entertainment for whoever reads this, it's actually pretty therapeutic for me, so yeah.

I have so many things that I want to talk about, but for now, I'll just get this one across. Ever since I've gotten out of school and have been working a full time job, my awareness of time seemed to debilitate gradually. Before I know it, it's almost been a whole year since I've started working here O.o

It occurs every once in awhile, like at the end of the month when I give patrons a due date and it's already going to be due at the start of the next month. I usually end up thinking to myself "oh wow, where does the time go?" and it's so weird for me. When I was in school there were always breaks to look forward to, and then when you got back to school at the end of summer vacation, there was acknowledgement of a fresh start and a new year or school full of higher level challenges and what not.

Here, it's not like that.

Real world requires you to work hard but in terms of reaching the next level and how long that could take, that stuff is all debatable. I mean, being out of school has its ups and downs. Like for instance, no homework. I can literally leave work at work and not have to worry about a ten page paper due 3 days from now or something. It's just weird.

I guess you can say that I am in that weird "transitioning stage" which is true. Because I really feel that "transitioning" part.

Hello world! I don't know what I'm doing yet, but from what I've experienced, adults barely have it together too. I guess it really is just "fake it 'till you make it"

(pardon all of the grammatical errors...whatever, I'm in a time crunch :P )

And with that, I need to go back to work...

One step forward, ten steps back

Will it ever stop hurting?

Every inch of progress I make brings awareness to the ten more miles I need to be at.
One "yes" is followed by fifteen "no's"

Don't get me wrong. I want to see you. I really do.

"I want this. I want that." Truthfully, I only want those things so I can get closer to where you are.

Learn to parallel park. Get a license. Get a car. Visit you...or at least halfway.
No. Parents uncomfortable with me taking interstate.
Bring friend with me?
No. Friend can't take off work. Parents refuse to give me interstate experience I need to let them trust me with going to take the interstate.
But I can just go with car right? Got work. Got paid. Got money.
No. Brother's car broke down and must use my car for hour+ long commute to work and back. Brother is broke and so I still pay gas for his commute.
Well at least I still have time?
No. Upgrading to full time for benefits. Must take care of family. Someone has to take the trash out, cook lunch, provide emotional support and advice, do laundry, help with younger sister's homework, record eye exercise progress for younger brother, be the scapegoat for mom, help dad because of his health problems, bring the dog in for the night and let him out in the morning, get mad at older brother, etc.

"Come visit me."

I'm trying! I really am. But the world I'm in holds me back. Do you have any idea how badly I want to just go? To just leave. To just run to where I want to be?

Why do I have such a strong super ego? Why does my duty to others override my duty to myself?

Is it my sense of responsibility? Is it the fear that the guilt will eat me up alive? Is it just because I want to do things the right way? Let's face it. I'm getting restless.

What about a consolation prize?
No. I can't even go to the anime convention because I have to cover the other girl's shift at work because SHE'S GOING TO THE SAME ANIME CONVENTION.

My ability to wait during the day is tolerable as long as I can occupy myself with other things.
My ability to wait during the night is excruciating.

I miss you, and I hate the feeling of missing you.

Distance has never really bothered me until I met you. Four to five hours isn't that bad, unless it becomes the distance it takes to see you. It becomes even more painful knowing that distance is just the drive. It doesn't even count when either one of us will be free to see the other and have the means to do so, additionally in my case, allowed and trusted to take the trek on my own. Then it becomes days, weeks, months.
I don't want it to get any longer than that. I don't know if I can handle any longer than that. I guess if I have to, I can force myself to keep hanging on and staying strong...like I do every day.

We'll get through this love, but for now I just need to rant.

So have I ever told you how hard and confusing it is for kids raised in America to have parents raised in a different culture? It's like, you deal with things from their culture mixed in with the things from the culture here.

I try to be one of those people who like to incorporate the best of both worlds, you know, approach from an understanding and see if there's a way to meet halfway.

If you love someone, doesn't it make sense that you would want to see them, even if they live far away? So I told my boyfriend that I was going to be in the area where he lives for a symphony, and he said that it would be awesome if I could stay because on Sunday the newest member of the family (he has a new niece) is getting Baptized and then after is a family reunion picnic and then Monday he would take me down. Then I was like "I don't want you to drive all the way to where I live just to drop me off and go back up. (long distance, 4-5 hours) What if you stayed the night? And maybe we can ask my friend if you could just come and support her for her big career-breaker test she has to take haha" and then he said that it would work for him if that happened. So I agreed that I would talk to my parents about it. It makes sense anyways because I graduated, so who knows the next time I'll be able to see him again once he starts working again and who knows if I'll be able to visit him. I want to be able to visit him, you know? And I thought this would be nice because they don't even have to worry about me driving since I would be going up with my siblings, and then he is willing to take me down all the way back to where I live, regardless if he's staying overnight or not. I don't even have to worry about people's schedules so someone can come to even meet halfway to get me.

They say that I don't understand because I'm not a parent, but at the same time, even if it were my sister dating someone that she met in college, I would want him to come down so I could meet him and get to know him so I can judge accordingly and get to see him for myself. You'd think that after dating for almost three years and seeing how he is the family would let her go up and see him. Doesn't that just make sense? I can't even go up and visit my boyfriend even if it's literally going to be me spending time with him AND HIS FAMILY.

It tells me that after all this time they can't trust me or my decisions. It tells me that they can't trust him. Then I told Mom that and she was like "well look around in the culture here, there are so many unwed mothers" and I'm literally like "oh so you think that I'm a whore who just goes and sleeps around? Is that what you think when I'm in college? My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost three years and I have stayed with him and his family at his family's house. (I wanted to include: and look at me, I'm not pregnant! But I decided to hold my tongue.) She said that it's more of a reputation thing and not a whore thing, but even so, a reputation isn't everything. Oh yeah, I'm such a terrible person for wanting to spend time with my boyfriend and his family. Wow, I guess that apparently makes me a whore.

I mean yeah, reputation is important, but it isn't everything. Go ahead and call me a whore and let everyone think that I've been sleeping around. I know that it isn't true. My own parents can't even trust me or even support me in my decisions. They can't even trust me after I've lived 4 school years away from them. We visit and talk about our relationship and all of this stuff because we want them to know how great the other person is. We want them to know that we love them so much and we love each other so much so that they can see what we're all about and what we're like. Sure, I can have the cleanest reputation in the world, but I wouldn't have experienced the world because of how scared I was of it and how it would ruin my reputation.
I love my parents but the strictness is stupid. I don't go out and get wasted. I don't go out and sleep around. I don't do drugs or get high. They know all my friends or at least have heard of them. And yet despite all of this, I can't do much and I'm already 22.

Rant over.

Obliviousness Ridiculousness

What am I doing? Am I overthinking this? Have you really liked me this long and I just never noticed because I am that ridiculously oblivious? What was that "something" that you needed to tell me?

All these years, have I just never picked up on it? Why does this make me feel bad for some reason? Is it true? Has my best guy friend from back home since forever liked me all these years? I wonder if he's actually tried telling me but I just never caught on. Some of my other friends would tease me, but I thought that was just because of how well we got along with each other. But you know, even if he told me back then, because of the state of my heart, I could have ended our friendship then and there. I would have rejected him, things between us would become awkward, and then we'd learn to move on and never talk to each other as much. Maybe all this time he really was thinking of us, in terms of our friendship. He didn't tell me in order to avoid all of that. We would still be best buddies, and we are. But personally, I never thought he liked me. In addition to this, I thought we just had a friendship that reflected that of siblings. We tease each other, look out for each other, and make a point to keep in touch. To be honest, because of how comfortable I am with him, I can just randomly jump on his back and demand for a piggy-back ride. (I really wish I could do that with my boyfriend, but I get so embarrassed... ^///^ )

If I were to compare the two, I actually have more in common when it comes to interests with my best guy friend from back home than with my boyfriend. I have a lot of things that I share with my boyfriend, don't get me wrong, but when it comes to interests it's pretty obvious that we vary in a lot of things. Growing up, my best guy friend and I had a lot of similar interests that we shared with each other. We're also both pretty much geeky dorks about the same stuff. We bonded over pokemon and all other anime, being otakus, joint cosplaying, funny youtube videos, shared the same humor, loved art and expressed that in so many forms. We were in clubs together, did projects together, and would hang out after school or church until our parents were already yelling at us to get in the car so we could all go home. I would get frustrated with him for beating all around the bush instead of giving a clear-cut answer, want to fight him after beating me in a video game, and argue with him whenever I think he's just being stupid. And after all this time, our old inside jokes never died. In fact, after all this time, we still do all of these things.

If I were to sit down and think about it, I care about him a lot. I would be sad if something happened to him or if our friendship ended or if he had to move very far away and I'd never get to see him again. But something that I've realized is that, what sets my boyfriend apart from everyone else is how I approach their happiness. With all of my close friends, both guys and girls, I just wish for them to be happy. I want to see them smiling, enjoying their lives, realizing that everything is worthwhile, and bringing them closer to their ultimate goal. I've heard that when you love someone, their happiness is more important to you than your own happiness, so you would make them happy despite how you feel. That is actually how I feel about the people I love. We are called to love and I firmly believe that true love involves sacrifice. I love all of my friends and I want them to know that I care so much about them. But the thing is, I feel this way about my boyfriend as well, but what sets him apart is that I feel that I so desperately need to be a part of his happiness. I want to see all of my friends happy, but I don't have to be a part of that happiness. When it comes to Miles, I want him to be happy, but I want to be a part of that, because he makes me so happy. When I picture myself with someone, it's always him that comes into the picture, and when I try picturing myself with someone else, it just doesn't seem right and I get this twinge of disappointment. For some reason, I desire to be with him, and after all that we've been through and how we've grown together and the like, I would still pick him.

I'm pretty sure that my best guy friend from back home already realizes this too, because we've known each other ever since we were three. If that "something" that he needed to tell me was a confession, he's probably realized that it's better to just leave things as they are.

I do feel bad though, and I really want to apologize. I'm sorry that my heart wasn't ready all this time until it was too late. In my defense though, you dated other people so how was I supposed to know? Some other girls you never even told me about until I found out you broke up. I was going through my own troubles then too, and then in order to prevent further troubles, I did close off my heart. I'm sorry I never realized that you were there all this time.