Make Me Believe

Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Dear Vincent,

How do I do it? How can I just wake up knowing you are dead and not feel a thing? How do I do it? Every morning you aren't here beside me. I wake up. I live. While my love doesn't. Why is it that my only one is gone, and the whole world keeps going while I'm at a stand-still? I don't understand...If only you were here to make sense of this. Should I move on? Should I replace you? Would my world finally move? Would you still love me? How is it that I manage to smile? How can I force myself to be happy when my only reason to move lies at the bottom of the ocean? You died. I live. You said I couldn't be replaced. While I replace you. You feared nothing. Not death, not violence, not a single thing. While I fear everything that is to come. I fear that everyday without you will cause me more pain then the day before. I fear that I will become the beast. I fear that my world will move without you.
I only see you, but the image is faded and torn. I'm losing you. I just know it. I only see you. I only want you. I want you to be mine always. I don't want to breathe without you. I'll face the ocean if that means I can be with you. How is it that I can't forget you? I wake up without you. I feel nothing. You aren't here. I need you. I can't see straight without you beside me. I love you. Why aren't you here? I miss you. Why aren't you here? I'm alone. Why aren't you here? Why did you leave me? What did I do? I'll fix it. Let me fix it. I'll do anything. I just want you here, Vincent. I'm afraid to die. I don't know what'll happen. I don't where I will go. I don't know what I believe. I can't remember without you. My thoughts left me long ago. When you abandoned me. I'm breaking down to the core. Why aren't you here? You said you would never leave me. Why aren't you here? You said I gave you a reason to live. Why aren't you here? You said you loved me. Why aren't you here? You said you would give your final breath to let me know how much you loved me. Why? Why couldn't you love me less? Why couldn't you show me while you lived? Why did you love me? Why aren't you here?
I'm lost without you. I don't know what to do. I don't know where I should turn. I don't know anything without you. I need you to explain, I'll listen to every word as though it were your last. I'll only see you. I'll be blind to everything, but you. You're all I need to see. There's no greater beauty than your brown eyes, Nothing is better than your smile. No one can beat your beauty. Nothing can touch you while I'm around. I won't let them. Nothing will ever hurt you again. I won't let them. I won't hurt you anymore. I swear it. I only need you. I won't replace you. I'll face my fears. I'll only see you. I'll never leave you. I'll always be yours. I promise. I can't do this alone. Why aren't you here? Come back. Please. I can't do this without you. I'm so alone. I need you here. Or I'll be with you there. It doesn't matter. I just need to be with you always. You mean the world to me.
You're so far away from me. I love everything about you. You're not a sinner. You're my angel. You loved me. You saved me. You held me. You molded me. You gave me a reason. You made me feel alive. You were the reason I loved life. You were my heaven. You were my paradise. You can't find what you already have. We found paradise together. I was yours, and you were mine. We were all we needed. And you're the only medicine to my heartache. I love you, please come back.

Dear Vincent

Desiree’ Pena

September 6, 2008

[DEAR VINCENT]

I Can’t Breathe; I Can’t Think . . . Help. . .

Dear Vincent,
It’s been a year since you were declared dead.
It’s been so long, and I can’t believe how long.
Well, I know I miss you.
And, I know it’s been hard without you.
But, I hope you’re finally happy now.
I tried.
I really did.
But, I wasn’t much help was I?
I thought I mattered to you.
But, I guess I was wrong again.
Vincent, you were so stupid back then,
I wish you were different.
I wish you would have changed.

I managed to find ten things I had always hated,
And we both deserve to know.
Even now,
Everything can change.
Or,
At least I hope so.
Well, here goes:

1.) I hate that you were self-centered.
A lot of times I didn’t feel like I mattered.
I felt that you thought that I wasn’t important.
You always seemed to come first.
I always put you first.
But,
I was never that lucky.
You couldn’t do the same for me.
Did I even matter to you?

2.) I hate that you couldn’t be happy with what you had.
You complained so much,
I gave you everything
I fixed every wrong I had,
Every wrong you found.
But,
You couldn’t fix me,
Just like I couldn’t fix you.
But, I tried.
So, why weren’t you happy?

3.) I hate that you couldn’t say what was on your mind.
I KNOW you were in pain.
I could always feel it.
But,
You never told me.
I could have helped.
I could have saved you.
I could have understood you.
But,
You wouldn’t let me.
Why couldn’t you tell me?

4.) I hate that you wanted to be invisible.
I wish I could have changed that,
But,
I could never do a thing.
Not thing that mattered to you.
I wanted you to love you like I loved you.
But,
You couldn’t see yourself like I could.
Why would you even wish that?

5.) I hate that you were a jerk to everyone.
Everyone cared,
But,
You pushed everyone away.
Even me,
You told me that I was your everything,
That I couldn’t be replaced,
But,
You only saw yourself in my reflection.
Sometimes,
You didn’t care how I felt,
You thought you did.
But,
You only thought of you.
Why couldn’t you feel everyone’s concern?

6.) I hate that you hurt yourself to numb your pain.
Vincent,
I tried to help you,
I was there,
I was always there,
I’m STILL here.
And I would always help you through anything.
I know your past,
I lived it with you.
I felt your pain, just like you felt mine.
Vincent,
I loved you.
I never wanted you to be in pain.
Why would you hurt me by hurting yourself?

7.) I hate that you worked yourself to death,
Literally.
It hurts me to know that you never stopped.
You worked so hard.
You said it was all for me.
That hurt me even more.
I wanted you to stop.
I wanted you to rest,
Because,
I loved you.
You said you wouldn’t close your eyes as long as I loved you.
You said you would work so we could be happy.
Did you love me that much that you never stop trying to show me how you felt?

8.) I hate that used how I felt for your gain.
Vincent,
I loved you.
I still love you.
You used that against me.
Until,
You fell in love with me.
You apologized,
But,
The pain never left.
How could you do that to me?

9.) I hate that you couldn’t look me in the eyes.
When you left me,
You hurt me so bad.
But,
You loved me so much,
That you couldn’t leave me that way.
You said my eyes were filled to the brim with sadness,
But,
You couldn’t look away.
You said you wouldn’t let me take you back so easily,
Because you added onto my pain.
How could you be so hard on yourself?

10.) I hate that you embedded your memory into my heart.
I don’t want to ever love another.
I don’t want anyone taking your place.
I love you.
I only see you.
You’ll always be mine.
I’ll always keep the hurt if it means I keep you.
These words aren’t easy,
But,
I can live without you,
I just can’t live the way you want me to.
Because,
I’m alone without you.
Don’t you think you took this way too far?

Well, I guess when you lose someone you say, “But” a lot.
I guess I shouldn’t be crying anymore. (Why am I crying . . .?)
I guess I haven’t stopped thinking of you. (Why can’t I stop . . . ?)
I wish I never loved you. (Why do I still love you . . .?)
Whoever said it’s better to have loved than lost didn’t understand this. (They couldn’t have understood. . .)
How can you go back after this? (There is no back. . .)
How can I love after you? (There’s just no way. . .)
How can I forget you after this? (There is no forgetting. . .)

Vincent, I still love you.
And, I would NEVER wish for you to come back and suffer.

Vincent's Final Gift

Time goes by as we all know,
and over time our love can grow
into something too great to bear
all I ask is that you care.
May you may, or may you not
many a battle I fought.

"But," I state
for I am late
to denounce my admiration.
"No longer shall I find you with upmost fascination."

And over time my love can fade
I'll still cherish the promise we made
we will remain as we are. . .
even though we are bazarre. . .
I can not say if it shows
although day after day it grows.

"But," I say
throughout the day
"That was all for you.
Looking back now I always knew."

Time slows down on certain days
and over time it turns to haze.
I know tomorrow varies,
we shall see what it carries.

"But," I ruse
ignite the fuse of this paper heart.

Many a day I toss and turn
and wonder what I thought I learned.

"Not a thing," I declare.
I wasn't fair
to ponder the notion of a love potion
and before long you'll hear the gong
but,
the clock strikes one
for the one task I left undone.

"But," I coo
The one thing left to do
Is tell you. . .
"I Love You."

"I do, please don't forget that. I need time away to sort myself out. I may not come back again. . .I'm so sorry. I know you're crying. . .don't. I don't want you to shed tears over me anymore."

Love, Vincent Diasuke Naoto.

gcfhnxdb

I'll be putting some up later on!

I wonder...

I wonder what Vincent woulda looked like as an Adult
I wondered this morning but I ended up getting myself sad