Apples: A Beginner's Guide

How's it going, Mr. Walking Corpse.

Yeah, I'm talking to YOU, picture-of-non-health!

Don't look around like that! My stinging barb is pointed directly at you! You and the rest of your modern, eat-anything, forget-about-nutrients society! With all the garbage you and everyone else eats, the human race is bound for extinction in about thirty years! I tell ya, something needs to be done, and it needs to be done, like, nowish!

That's where your oldest, truest and healthiest friend, Flint, comes in! I have lives for over two decades now! That's much longer than most mammals live! In those decades, I have learned the secret art of perfect health. This one plan for success in healthy living has been heavily guarded by ancient old guys with nothing better to do than guard things like this using deadly martial arts. But now, thanks to the bravery and foolishness of one such as I, the world will know the secret to long life! What is it? Why, it's a new diet, silly!

Oh, come on! I can hear you groan through my speakers! "Sweet baby Jesus, a diet?! I ain't up for that! I'm perfectly content stuffing my face with funyuns and deadly cholesterol-packed pickled hog brains to ever consider changing the eating pattern that's slowly digging my own grave!" It's not that bad, joker! In fact, this diet contains one food that you always eat! At least, one food who's flavor your used to since you eat gallons of artificially created sludge packed in cardboard "cereal bars" which claim that's the flavor. What is this mystery substance? What superfood can lead us out of fatty Hell and into health-filled Valhalla?

Apples, my friend.

Yes, a diet consisting completely and solely of apples will repair the horrific damage you've done to your own body from years of binge-eating on things that aren't even food! Apples will do wonders to that tiny, shriveled, dead thing killed by too much manga and television you once called a brain! Apples will take us soaring above the terror that is our own custom-made, deep-fried doom, fly us out of artificially-sweetened Hades, and finally land in healthy Heaven!

Are you convinced? Splendid! Now you can begin your new life as an applevore, just as God intended! But wait! I foresee a problem! When visiting the produce section at your local grocer/farmer's market/swap meet, you discover there are many hundreds of apple types! Which one is the best?! Fear not, my fine apple-fueled friend! I, Flint, shall give you the rundown on the most important apples on the shelf! So put down that twinkie, pick up that cultivar, and prepare to enter a world you never knew existed! Here's...


RED DELICIOUS- This is probably the apple you think of when you think of the word "apple". Totally mainstream apple. Parents and kids love red delicious because it's so damn accessible! I hate red delicious, and you should too. Do you really want to be associated with something five-year-olds and balding men going through a mid-life crisis are loving? Of course not! Consider red delicious the "stand-by" in case there are NO OTHER apples. Even in the situation wherein there are no other apples besides red delicious, don't rule out eating your own flesh for sustenance.

GOLDEN DELICIOUS- Red delicious' older, cooler brother. Consider golden delicious the "Ken" to red delicious' "Ryu". The two taste practically the same, but you look cooler eating a golden rather than a red. Take a note of that, it's important. Golden delicious may also be the most ironic of apples; while it's called "golden", it's actually green.

PINK LADY- Not just the name of a Japanese singing duo/horrid American sitcom, pink lady apples are the most feminine of apples. If your a young lady wishing to look rather charming around town, consider chomping daintily on one of these suckers while you take your afternoon stroll. Don't forget to wear your cutest sundress and carry a frilly parasol.

GALA- The "Sam's Club" of apples. You can find these apples in more abundance in any produce vendor than even red delicious. Some apple enthusiasts, myself included, believe gala to be the scourge of the apple kingdom, the cultivar equivalent of the pigeon. To be quite honest, most people wouldn't mind if the gala variety died off tomorrow. The good thing about gala, however, is that nobody gives a crap if you eat it, so your social status will not be harmed if you are seen in public eating this. However, neither will it rise. Consider gala when you're REALLY hungry, and don't care what you eat.

FUJI- There are many legends behind the appearance of the Fuji apple. Some experts believe that the fuji variety grow at the peak of Japan's Mount Fuji, and are only available to humans through a considerable effort by a team of Japanese yeti monsters. Some say that the apples are grown in the world's biggest orchard by professional wrestling personality Mr. Fuji. Still others claim that the folks over at FujiFilm have somehow developed the technology to create apples from pictures. Whichever the case, the fuji is the preferred cultivar of the tech set. In short, eat this and look geeky.

BRAEBURN- The history of the braeburn apple is quite colorful. It begins in a plantation in pre-Civil War Georgia, where a slave named Tobias Braeburn toiled endlessly picking apples for his master. One night, Tobias snapped, grabbed a basketful of apples, marched into his masters' mansion, and proceeded to belt the sap with cultivars until he died of massive brain hemorrhage. That night, Tobias Braeburn freed his brethren, and from that point onward, he aided in the Underground Railroad, protecting those seeking freedom armed with nothing but his trusty apples.Braeburn apples are consumed by freedom fighters around the world still today.

GRANNY SMITH- The infamously sour granny smith apple gets its name from the first nintey-year-old woman to be put to death in the state of Texas, Bernice "Granny" Smith. Smith began her career as a train coach robber in post-Civil War Texas. She eventually moved from coach to bank robbery, sometimes killing every innocent soul in the establishment before making off with the ill-gotten money. Finally, she got so brazen that she'd simply burst into people's houses, shoot their dog, drink their liquor, stay and chat awhile, and finally shoot the first-born of the family in the leg before taking the second most expensive item the family owned (she did not take the most expensive item due to ethical reasons). When she was captured, she was sentenced to have a green sour apple shoved down her throat until she choked to death. Even now, bad men get a bite out of granny smith apples. It's even said that Al Capone requested granny smiths in his cell in Alcatraz.

SUMMERFREE- The most whimsical of apples. These apples are consumed to feel the sheer joy of a warm summer's day. The legend goes that summerfree apples originate from clouds in the sky, and are only available to humanity through the gusts of summer winds, which carry the apples to Earth. If your ever in a funk, feeling like the world is against you, like you don't have a friend in the world, just look to the sky, and bite into a summerfree apple.

PACIFIC ROSE- The end-all, be-all of apples. The king, the big boss, the messiah of the cultivars. Pacific rose apples are the most mythical of cultivars, said to be the ripest, crunchiest, must flavorful of apples. To describe the sensation of eating one of these fantastic fruits is beyond the capability of text, but I will attempt it:

Imagine you are in the produce section at your local supermarket. You are standing in front of a large crate of apples. You grab one, and lift it up to eye level. It is massive in your hand. It is bright pink in color, with red and yellow stripes. It is cool to the touch, and beacons you to take a bite. You cannot resist. Your teeth take a chunk. Instantly, your mouth is filled with a very distinct flavor. It is not an apple. It is not anything you have tasted before. It is Pacific Rose. And it will be the finest thing you will ever digest.

This has been but a short list of the different kinds of apples that exist just outside your door. Yes, hundreds upon hundreds of apples exist, each with its own story and unique flavor. So, what are you waiting for? There's a whole new world out there for you to explore! So put down that Hot Pocket, put on a coat, race down to your local market, and grab as many apples as you can! Your mouth will thank you, as well as your body!