Vampirism: An Analysis

Vampires are slowly invading every orifice of our pop culture. This can be totally awesome or really dumb, depending on how you feel about vampires. Like any good movie monster, vampires have their own strengths and weaknesses. Being a creature of the night can be both a blessing and a curse.

However, one is not simply born with the abilities of a vampire. To be a vampire in the truest sense, one must embrace Vampirism. Vampirism is the set tenants of the vampire, the rules of the game, as it were. Is it really up your alley? Let's find out if Vampirism is right for you. I will break up the cause and effects of Vampirism into easy-to-follow steps, all for your reading pleasure.

Keep in mind, this is not about Twilight vampires. We're sticking to horror-style vampires. While we all fantasize about sexy vampires turning us into eternally-young Adonises, reality has proven that we are far more likely to be eaten alive by horrifying mockery of life-type vampires.




In step 1, you are actually turned into a vampire. As stated about, one is not simply born into Vampirism, nor can one simply declare oneself a vampire. Furthermore, there is no such thing as an "energy vampire" or a "good vibes vampire", who feed off of positive energy given off by others. The only kind of vampires that exist are the ones who hate humans and eat their plasma for sustenance.

Before making the transition into Vampirism, you must ask yourself a series of questions regarding your life in general. Here are a few questions you may want to ask yourself before embracing the life of a creature of the night:

-Do I enjoy my life? If not, why? Can I deal with eternal life if I dislike my life now?

-Do I believe in God/Gods? Does he/ do they look down upon Vampirism?

-Am I ready to abandon my family forever to embrace a new lifestyle?

-Am I ready to abandon/eat friends and loved ones while embracing a new lifestyle?

-Can ALL the problems I have in my life be solved by Vampirism? Have I tried joining a cult, or regular cannibalism?

Of course, these are but a few questions you should ask yourself. There are many more. Do you like to eat out at restaurants? Do you enjoy outdoor activities? Do you like going to the zoo? All of this will be affected by your vampiric lifestyle.

If and when you have made the decision to embrace the culture of the vampire, you must seek out a vampire. I don't mean the weird guy at the Hot Topic who claims to be a vampire. I don't mean the husky chick with the H.I.M. t-shirt and dyed pink hair who wears prosthetic fangs in her mouth. I mean an honest-to-God vampire. Here's some good indicators to use when finding a vampire:

-If you met the person outside in the daytime, they are not a vampire.

-If you met the person at a concert, a Hot Topic, a Zumies, a Starbucks, a restroom, at school, or anywhere where there is a high concentration on human life, they are not a vampire.

-If they straight-up tell you they are a vampire, they are not a vampire.

-If they are warm to the touch, they are not a vampire.

-If they are kind, they are not a vampire.

Do not be discouraged; it will take time to find a vampire. You will find one in time. When you do, it will not take much convincing to get them to turn you into a vampire. After all, you are their dinner. They could care less for your reasoning.

Classically, Vampirism is transferred with a bite through the neck. Really, the bite can be taken anywhere. Much like zombies, a bite from a vampire anywhere on your person will turn you into a vampire. You may want to ask to be bitten near the heart or the brain (the neck is the most practical). This will transfer Vampirism more quickly than a bite so, say, the leg or the butt. Why a vampire would bite you in the butt, I don't know.


Congratulations! You are now a vampire! You now walk among a very few, very proud elite, ruling the Earth when darkness falls with a bloody fist of iron. Humans are cattle to you. You are a creature of the night, and those who oppose you will tremble before your might!

Waitaminute... what might, you ask? Why you gain all sorts of cool powers as a vampire! With your new lifestyle under Vampirism, you will enjoy a wide array of abilities when hunting the Earth for your human prey. Let's get a brief rundown!

-You will gain the ability to fly, glide in the air, run at great speeds, teleport to different areas, appear and disappear right before people's eyes, and basically do really cool-looking things.

-You will have enhanced strength. While you won't be able to life school buses or anything, you will be able to rip doors off hinges, burst through walls, break limbs with ease, and lift small cars off the ground.

-You will gain limited telepathy powers. While you cannot sift through the murky minds of your human prey, you will be able to tell if that cute brunette thinks your cute before you tear into her flesh. Furthermore, your hypnotic eyes will grant you limited mind control, so you can order folks to get you a burrito and a bottle of Pepsi, as if vampires ate that sort of thing.

Of course, with these super-cool new abilities comes some drawbacks. "Drawbacks" may not be enough, actually. These are real doozies! Prepare for the drawbacks of Vampirism!

-You will not be able to see your reflection. You will never know if your hair looks good or not. Furthermore, if you ask your vampiric friends, they will either be too nice to tell you the truth, or too cruel to give you a straight answer.

-You will have a VERY limited group of friends. Remember, vampires are an elite group for a reason. That's because there's not too many of them. You cannot gallivant around talking to humans; you'll be too busy eating them. Furthermore, you cannot simply make new vampires, as most humans don't want to be vampires.

-You cannot go out in the daytime. You will explode. You will never be able to get to McDonald's in the morning and enjoy a mouth-watering McGriddle. You can't go out to clubs at night, either. Your bloodlust would drive you kill-crazy.


You're a vampire... now what? Didn't think that far ahead, did you? What exactly is it that vampires do? Do they just sit around attacking passers-by and wearing frilly shirts and capes?

There are actually a number of jobs available for vampires, all meant to aide the vampiric community near you! So, when you embrace Vampirism, consider one of these great careers in vampiring!

-Vampiric Hunter! These are like the farmers of the vampire world. They lure humans into isolated places, eviscerate them, and harvest their blood for consumption. This job requires a considerable skill in guile, an ability to work in stealth, the ability to think on one's feet, and the ability to properly use a blade or other sharp objects.

-Vampiric Warrior! Much like our armies protect us humans, vampiric warriors protect the vampire world. When a detachment of humans comes down on the community with guns and holy water, it's the vampiric warriors who meet them in combat. They use their given vampire abilities, their great strength, and their knowledge of combat to swiftly take down the human attackers. This job requires great bravery, great physical conditioning, knowledge of battlefield tactics, knowledge in at least basic battlefield weaponry, and a strong hatred of humans.

-Vampiric Cleric! We have missionaries who go from third-world countries to convert their peoples to the way of the Lord. Vampires have the vampiric cleric, who goes from town to town, finding lost souls and convincing them to join the legions of the night. The role of the vampiric cleric is very important, as they are the ones who recruit new warriors to replace the fallen, who find new hunters, and who decide whether or not to destroy a town because they know too much. This job requires an outgoing personality, some knowledge in human psychology, the ability to blend in with a crowd, and one more ability that cannot be learned: natural charisma.


There you have it. A primer for the life of a vampire. So, are you ready to join the ranks of the damned? Can you wander the nights, ruling over the apes for all eternity?

Are you ready to embrace... VAMPIRISM?