Gather 'round, boys! We've got a valuable opportunity here! A new film in the Twilight series has arrived, and... waitaminute-
GET OUTTA HERE, GIRLS! This is for dudes only! We don't need you all coming around here with your feminine wiles! Just press the 'back' button on your browser, 'cause we don't need ya! But please, leave a favorable comment before you go. Please?
...are they gone? Good. Okay, boys! As I said, a new Twilight movie just came out. Now's your chance to pick up some hot ladies! There's a lot of females who read or watch Twilight, and not just annoying, jabbering 13-year-olds! If you're attending a college or University, chances are every lady on campus is watching Twilight. EVERY. LADY. And now Twilight, the scourge of the literary world, can finally prove useful to saps like us for picking up some fine fillies!
Hold your horses, Lothario! You can't just walk up to a chick and say, "I saw Twilight, wanna go steady?" That's a surefire way to get a palm to the face and a bruise to the ego! What you need is strategy! And that's were I, Flint Marco, the coolest mad genius on theO, come in. I have picked up countless ladies! I've had females of every race, religion, and sexual preference slap me across my handsome face! I have a large scrapbook full of old restraining orders! I know how to artfully pick up the gals using the Twilight technique, and now, I share my secrets with you.
First off, let's talk about the way you look. To be blunt, you look stupid. I mean that in the nicest way possible. Nothing about you screams sexy vampire. You are in desperate need of an image makeover if you ever hope to attract the vampire set. Here's some tips, bucko.
-Get a fauhawk or a pompadour , like, nowish. Chances are great that, currently, you have one of three hairstyles: a short, reasonable cut, long hair, or bald (by choice or by heredity). Get rid of it. You look so human.
-Dress in tight clothing all the time. You probably dress in loose-fitting, comfortable clothing because you're a dude, right? When playing this field, you must throw out your dudeship and embrace your inner vampire. Which, apparently, requires dressing like a total douche. Don't look at me. I don't make the rules. Moving on...
-Shave all the hair off of your body. Seriously, get rid of it. Vampires don't have hair, except for their great-looking scalp. You look like a gorilla in a t-shirt.
-Pour body glitter on every inch of your body. Vampires twinkle in the sunlight now, it seems. If you don't sparkle, the ladies will KNOW you're not a vampire. For added effect, don't wear a shirt when you go out. Yes, I realize it's winter. Sacrifice, my friend, sacrifice!
Okay, now you look like a vampire, which is cool. You look in no way completely ridiculous in broad daylight. Take off that baseball cap! Vampires don't know about baseball! That's why they're vampires!
...wait, they DO know about baseball? They PLAY baseball?! Since when?! Do they have their own league or something? Do they know how much the Red Sox suck? Wow, I really gotta read that book.
Which leads us to our next lesson: you gotta read about Twilight, dudes. Sorry, but you gotta. Notice how I said "read about", and not simply "read". Avoid reading the books at all costs. If any dude catches you reading Twilight, they WILL lay into you like nobody has ever laid into you before, and you WILL deserve it. Go on Wikipedia, look up a synopsis, know who the main characters are, what their powers are, all that garbage. Memorize it! You'll need it!
An important note, men: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES READ ABOUT ANY OTHER VAMPIRES BESIDES THE ONES THAT APPEAR IN TWILIGHT. Real vampires have different weaknesses and powers than the Twilight boys. I'm thinking Edward Whatshisname has the power to kill Wolverine and can call Doc Brown from whatever time period he's in, I don't know. That's why real vampires are interesting, and Twilight vampires are... well, Twilight vampires.
And now, the hardest part: using your newfound vampiric looks and knowledge to pick up some ladies! You look like you lost a fight with a Bedazzler, your clothes look like they came from the toddlers' section at the JC Penny, and now the ladies can't keep their eyes off of you.
DO NOT APPROACH THEM! This is fundamentally wrong. If you simply go up to a fine female, your mystique will disappear. The lady will look you over and either know you are not a vampire but rather a pretender, or realize how outrageously ridiculous you look (although this is unlikely).
Instead, stand far away from them. Appear brooding at all times. Sneer and scowl at them from time to time. When you walk, walk quickly, hands clenched into fists. Speak to nobody, not even friends (if you simply must communicate, use the text-messaging feature on your cellphone). The ladies will be drawn to you like flies.
Don't talk to them! In fact, pretend you don't notice them. They will pine over you like a golden idol for several days. Finally, they will say something to you. Whatever it is, you MUST answer with an insult, a threat, or a generally rude comment. Note that I said "rude", not "vulgar". Keep your insults appropriate for a Disney Channel show. You may also mention a hatred of werewolves in passing, but DO NOT direct the comment towards her! Whichever you choose, that will make the girl drawn to you even more! But, the courtship is not over!
Now comes the most beautiful part of the vampiric-courtship ritual: watching the girl sleep. This is without a doubt the hardest part, as you will most likely be breaking several laws in your area. However, it's all for true love, so it's no big deal. You'll need something to cut glass, some gloves, and if the girl lives on a second story, a ladder or a grappling hook.
Quiet is key in this part! If the girl or her parents hear you at any point, you are DEAD. They'll throw you up the river, pal! First, establish where the girl's room is. If it is, indeed, on a second or (God forbid) third story, use the ladder or grappling hook to gain entrance. If she lives four stories or more off the ground, forget about her. It's Chinatown, man.
Unless she's living in Candy Land, she probably has her window closed and locked. That's cool though; you came prepared. With the precision of a cat burglar, skillfully cut open the area of glass right above the window lock. Open the window, and crawl in silently, like the wind. When you're inside her room, take a seat. Watch her sleep. It's not fun at all, no sir. You might want to bring something to read. You can leave at any time, just don't wake anybody up. You might want to keep a time card to write down when you watched the girl sleep, and for how long. Why you'd do this, I don't know. Something to keep you busy, maybe?
If you use these steps, you'll be knee deep in swooning ladies! You'll be the envy of every guy on campus! You'll be tired, broke and miserable, sure, but who cares! You're a vampire now, apparently! The ladies LOVE you! And, friends, that's all you really need, right?
Seriously, though. Twilight sucks.
-Flint
