Hark! What is that over the horizon?! 'Tis Flint! And he brings with him more fun! What? More fun? I have enough fun on my plate for a week, you say? Well, lump it, you jerk! Here comes more!
- Created By Flint
Vampires are slowly invading every orifice of our pop culture. This can be totally awesome or really dumb, depending on how you feel about vampires. Like any good movie monster, vampires have their own strengths and weaknesses. Being a creature of the night can be both a blessing and a curse.
However, one is not simply born with the abilities of a vampire. To be a vampire in the truest sense, one must embrace Vampirism. Vampirism is the set tenants of the vampire, the rules of the game, as it were. Is it really up your alley? Let's find out if Vampirism is right for you. I will break up the cause and effects of Vampirism into easy-to-follow steps, all for your reading pleasure.
Keep in mind, this is not about Twilight vampires. We're sticking to horror-style vampires. While we all fantasize about sexy vampires turning us into eternally-young Adonises, reality has proven that we are far more likely to be eaten alive by horrifying mockery of life-type vampires.
VAMPIRISM: AN ANALYSIS
STEP 1: TURNING INTO A VAMPIRE
In step 1, you are actually turned into a vampire. As stated about, one is not simply born into Vampirism, nor can one simply declare oneself a vampire. Furthermore, there is no such thing as an "energy vampire" or a "good vibes vampire", who feed off of positive energy given off by others. The only kind of vampires that exist are the ones who hate humans and eat their plasma for sustenance.
Before making the transition into Vampirism, you must ask yourself a series of questions regarding your life in general. Here are a few questions you may want to ask yourself before embracing the life of a creature of the night:
-Do I enjoy my life? If not, why? Can I deal with eternal life if I dislike my life now?
-Do I believe in God/Gods? Does he/ do they look down upon Vampirism?
-Am I ready to abandon my family forever to embrace a new lifestyle?
-Am I ready to abandon/eat friends and loved ones while embracing a new lifestyle?
-Can ALL the problems I have in my life be solved by Vampirism? Have I tried joining a cult, or regular cannibalism?
Of course, these are but a few questions you should ask yourself. There are many more. Do you like to eat out at restaurants? Do you enjoy outdoor activities? Do you like going to the zoo? All of this will be affected by your vampiric lifestyle.
If and when you have made the decision to embrace the culture of the vampire, you must seek out a vampire. I don't mean the weird guy at the Hot Topic who claims to be a vampire. I don't mean the husky chick with the H.I.M. t-shirt and dyed pink hair who wears prosthetic fangs in her mouth. I mean an honest-to-God vampire. Here's some good indicators to use when finding a vampire:
-If you met the person outside in the daytime, they are not a vampire.
-If you met the person at a concert, a Hot Topic, a Zumies, a Starbucks, a restroom, at school, or anywhere where there is a high concentration on human life, they are not a vampire.
-If they straight-up tell you they are a vampire, they are not a vampire.
-If they are warm to the touch, they are not a vampire.
-If they are kind, they are not a vampire.
Do not be discouraged; it will take time to find a vampire. You will find one in time. When you do, it will not take much convincing to get them to turn you into a vampire. After all, you are their dinner. They could care less for your reasoning.
Classically, Vampirism is transferred with a bite through the neck. Really, the bite can be taken anywhere. Much like zombies, a bite from a vampire anywhere on your person will turn you into a vampire. You may want to ask to be bitten near the heart or the brain (the neck is the most practical). This will transfer Vampirism more quickly than a bite so, say, the leg or the butt. Why a vampire would bite you in the butt, I don't know.
STEP 2: YOUR NEW OUTLOOK ON LIFE (OR UNDEATH)
Congratulations! You are now a vampire! You now walk among a very few, very proud elite, ruling the Earth when darkness falls with a bloody fist of iron. Humans are cattle to you. You are a creature of the night, and those who oppose you will tremble before your might!
Waitaminute... what might, you ask? Why you gain all sorts of cool powers as a vampire! With your new lifestyle under Vampirism, you will enjoy a wide array of abilities when hunting the Earth for your human prey. Let's get a brief rundown!
-You will gain the ability to fly, glide in the air, run at great speeds, teleport to different areas, appear and disappear right before people's eyes, and basically do really cool-looking things.
-You will have enhanced strength. While you won't be able to life school buses or anything, you will be able to rip doors off hinges, burst through walls, break limbs with ease, and lift small cars off the ground.
-You will gain limited telepathy powers. While you cannot sift through the murky minds of your human prey, you will be able to tell if that cute brunette thinks your cute before you tear into her flesh. Furthermore, your hypnotic eyes will grant you limited mind control, so you can order folks to get you a burrito and a bottle of Pepsi, as if vampires ate that sort of thing.
Of course, with these super-cool new abilities comes some drawbacks. "Drawbacks" may not be enough, actually. These are real doozies! Prepare for the drawbacks of Vampirism!
-You will not be able to see your reflection. You will never know if your hair looks good or not. Furthermore, if you ask your vampiric friends, they will either be too nice to tell you the truth, or too cruel to give you a straight answer.
-You will have a VERY limited group of friends. Remember, vampires are an elite group for a reason. That's because there's not too many of them. You cannot gallivant around talking to humans; you'll be too busy eating them. Furthermore, you cannot simply make new vampires, as most humans don't want to be vampires.
-You cannot go out in the daytime. You will explode. You will never be able to get to McDonald's in the morning and enjoy a mouth-watering McGriddle. You can't go out to clubs at night, either. Your bloodlust would drive you kill-crazy.
STEP 3: LIVING IN A VAMPIRE'S WORLD
You're a vampire... now what? Didn't think that far ahead, did you? What exactly is it that vampires do? Do they just sit around attacking passers-by and wearing frilly shirts and capes?
There are actually a number of jobs available for vampires, all meant to aide the vampiric community near you! So, when you embrace Vampirism, consider one of these great careers in vampiring!
-Vampiric Hunter! These are like the farmers of the vampire world. They lure humans into isolated places, eviscerate them, and harvest their blood for consumption. This job requires a considerable skill in guile, an ability to work in stealth, the ability to think on one's feet, and the ability to properly use a blade or other sharp objects.
-Vampiric Warrior! Much like our armies protect us humans, vampiric warriors protect the vampire world. When a detachment of humans comes down on the community with guns and holy water, it's the vampiric warriors who meet them in combat. They use their given vampire abilities, their great strength, and their knowledge of combat to swiftly take down the human attackers. This job requires great bravery, great physical conditioning, knowledge of battlefield tactics, knowledge in at least basic battlefield weaponry, and a strong hatred of humans.
-Vampiric Cleric! We have missionaries who go from third-world countries to convert their peoples to the way of the Lord. Vampires have the vampiric cleric, who goes from town to town, finding lost souls and convincing them to join the legions of the night. The role of the vampiric cleric is very important, as they are the ones who recruit new warriors to replace the fallen, who find new hunters, and who decide whether or not to destroy a town because they know too much. This job requires an outgoing personality, some knowledge in human psychology, the ability to blend in with a crowd, and one more ability that cannot be learned: natural charisma.
There you have it. A primer for the life of a vampire. So, are you ready to join the ranks of the damned? Can you wander the nights, ruling over the apes for all eternity?
Are you ready to embrace... VAMPIRISM?
The dreaded exam. High school is full of exams. Teachers will tell you what to expect on the exam. You will probably have an exam day, devoted entirely to said exam. You'll go home, cram all night, and the next morning say your prayers and go for it.
College is far, far different from high school, friends. You have much more responsibilities. You don't get "review days". You juggle three or four exams in the span of two days. A lot is expected from you.
You're probably sweating bullets, eh, new guy? Well, don't. You have Flint on your side! I have taken countless college exams! I know the ins and outs, and am willing to teach them to you! So, are you ready? Let's dive right on in!
COLLEGE EXAMS: HOW THE HELL DO I DO THIS?
1) The first step in the exam-taking process is finding out when, exactly, the exam will be. Find out the date and time as soon as possible. Then, grab a calendar. Mark off all the days between today and the day of the test. These are your "kickin' around" days. Don't worry about the exam until the day of, friends. Or, more precisely, the hour before.
2) On the day of the exam, study for approximately 30 minutes in the morning, preferably while doing something distracting, like fighting with your dormmate over the last of the Cocoa Puffs. This will give you a false sense of security, and some much-needed (although unwarranted) courage going into the exam.
3) Spend as much time as possible before the test just tooling around. Talk to friends. Blast some Pearl Jam. Play catch with a group of mean-spirited youths. Do anything besides study. This, too, will make you feel like you know everything there is to know about the exam.
4) An hour before the exam, you will feel doubt. This will be accompanied by swearing, complaining, and generally being a baby. This is the time to do some hardcore studying. This hour should be broken up like this:
*First 15 minutes- Buy an energy drink from the campus bookstore, and have a chat with the clerk about the price of things and the economy in general.
*Next 10 minutes- Have a conversation via text message with that idiot roommate of yours about cleaning up his blood from the sink. You don't know how it got there, why it's there, but you'll be damned if you're gonna clean it up.
*Next 5 minutes- Talk to a cute girl/guy trying to study for her/his exam.
*Next 10 minutes- Fumble around with your Ipod. You're trying to look for Europe's "Final Countdown". You swore you had it. Then, you remember you hadn't synced it the night before. So, you look for that sweet "Lake of Fire" cover by Nirvana, but stumble on "Mary Jane's Last Dance". What the Hell. Tom Petty, let me have it!
Next 5 minutes- Buy a bag of Funyuns from the vending machine near you, then regret the choice. They had Gardetto's. Freakin' Gardetto's, and you chose funyuns?! What's the matter with you, honestly?
Final 15 minutes- Try to study your notes. Seriously, try it. You'll get sidetracked when the Foo Fighter's "My Hero" starts blaring in your ears.
5) Go to class, and take your seat. Ready yourself for the test by thinking that you can bomb at least one exam and still pass with a B if you make high marks on the rest. You will soon realize that you've forgotten to bring a scantron sheet. You will have to pay a dollar to anybody who has a spare.
6) You are now ready to take the exam. Here are a few stratagems when facing a real college exam:
-Thanks to all your kickin' around before the exam, you will know nothing about anything on the exam. That's okay. You will still have a strange feeling of calm. In fact, you'll usually feel calmer during the exams you are completely unprepared for than the ones you have crammed for days for.
-Mark any answer as either the longest answer choice, or the shortest. The ones that look about even length are obviously booby answers placed by your professor to throw you off.
-When in doubt, mark any answer 'B'. The law of averages clearly states that your professor will select 'B' as the correct choice 25% of the time. If that's not enough incentive to just mark the answer 'B', I don't know what is.
-Finish as quickly as possible. Really gun it. Try to be the first done. This way, the others around you will feel the need to rush themselves. They will get sloppy, their test scores will suffer, and yours will look better by comparison.
7) The end of the exam is not the end of the exam-taking process. When class meets next, beg the teacher for an extra credit assignment. It's your only hope.
So, using these college exam-taking tips, you too can take exams! Not PASS exams, mind you. Also, you'll have some explaining to do to your parents when you drop EVERY class your taking.
By then, you'll have been promoted at your job at the local Starbucks, so what's the big deal?
Friends, your turkey is done. The stuffing's been stuffed. The cake is no more. The cranberry sauce is... well, it's still on the dinner table, collecting dust. Time for a good night's sleep and-
NO! STAY AWAKE! There is more to Thanksgiving day than food and family! In fact, forget the family! They can't or won't help you for what is to come. Consider all that gorging you did today carb-loading for tomorrow morning's festivities.
For tomorrow morning is Black Friday. And woe be to he who is unprepared.
For the uninitiated, Black Friday is the Friday after Thanksgiving. This is when all the major stores have their big "door-buster" (gotta love buzz words) sales, like large television sets for $100, countless crappy DVDs for a buck apiece, and other equally useless items all at insane discounts, all meant to draw suckers like us into the store, empty our wallets and leave. This day is also known for its body count. People die for savings, friends!
Don't be a victim of high prices/being trampled to death! Let me, Flint, theO's #1 authority on sales, self-defense, and tacos, arm you with the most powerful weapon you can have in this upcoming war against the masses for a heap of Transformers action figures at seventy-five cents: knowledge.
-First, preparing for Black Friday starts with physical training. You need to be faster, stronger, and better than the overweight soccer mom standing in line in front of you. Begin by running 3 miles daily for the week prior. Take up a martial art, like taekwondo or judo. This is key. You must have an unarmed combat skill handy in this environment.
If your reading this, like, right after Thanksgiving dinner, and you haven't trained a bit, hope is not lost! Drink lots and lots of Red Bull, eat a bowl of pure sugar and watch the 36th Chamber of Shaolin a few times. You'll do fine!
-When entering the bargain-hunting fray, you must choose the right clothing. What you wear can determine the success or failure of your Black Friday excursion!
One would assume that wearing the most comfortable clothing would be the best thing to do. After all, you'll most likely be waiting in line for several hours, surrounded by a gang of stinking 40-somethings. Nothing could be further from the truth. To go into this in a t-shirt and jeans is a recipe for bruises, gashes and a slow, horrible death.
The most important thing you'll need is a thick jacket. Nothing cute, nothing sassy, nothing stylish. Think "arctic survival" here, friends. This serves two purposes. First, it's winter. The coat will keep you warm while you stand outside the locked doors of the store of your choosing. Second, the padding provided by the jacket can potentially save your life in the event of fistfights, stabbings, and human stampedes.
You should wear tight pants with straight legs and heavy boots. Wearing baggy pants or boot-cut pants can lead to a dangerous situation, like getting caught on a display of printers, or allowing a grappling point for an enemy in a department store melee. The boots will allow you to quickly and comfortably traverse a broken landscape with your parcels intact, and can be used as weapons to flee from an angry shopper.
It would be wise to invest in a helmet. At least bring a baseball cap along. Any kind of head protection is good head protection. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, WEAR ANY KIND OF WIG. You WILL get it caught on something, somebody WILL pick it up, and you will go the rest of the day bald and with nothing to protect your cranium from the purse of a vicious grandmother.
-Choose what you're looking for before you go to the store. Look through the ads of different stores. There are lots of sales today; almost everyone is offering some cool stuff at low, low prices! Pick an item, find the store nearest to you, and stake it out.
Try to pick out only one or two items only. More than that is impossible. Remember, you're going to be vying with half your city's population for these items. Do you really think you have the skill, cunning, strength and fortitude to get EVERY item in the ad without succumbing to murder?
An important psychological tool in this war, children: do NOT expect to get what you came for. Yes, this goes against everything Sun Tsu wrote in the Art of War. "Victorious warriors win first, then go to war", yadda, yadda, yadda, yeah, I read it, too. Dump it. This will lead to heartbreak. You're going to be out at four o'clock in the morning, fighting several hundred middle-aged man-children for a barbie doll. Just try to have fun, huh?
-Develop a strategy! You will need it for the coming war. First, analyze your party. Take an inventory of their skills. Who is the fastest? The strongest? Who is expendable? If you're going it alone, you may want to take along an ipod and play Iron Maiden's "Run to the Hills" for the duration.
Figure out which item you want the most. DO NOT FORGET THIS ITEM! This is your trophy, the reason you woke up at three in the morning. If you walk into this without a set goal, you will be walking into a warzone for no reason.
Get to the store as early as possible, and wait in line. If you get there late, do not be deterred. You will just need to work harder. Wait patiently until the doors open, or until you are allowed to grab your items. Do not do anything stupid that could get you ejected from the line. Do not bribe others to get closer to the front of the line; this WILL backfire on you most assuredly.
When it's time to get your items, walk at a brisk pace. Running will cause a panic or, God forbid, a stampede. There will be people much larger than you, who will use their considerable girth to their advantage. You may have to meet their might with your own. Get the item you are questing for as quickly as possible. Do not take it from somebody's basket or fight a person for it. You do not know who that person is, or what he/she is capable of. Chances are, many of these people are not playing with a full deck. Cradle your trophy with both arms. Do not casually hold it, like this is a normal shopping day. Remember how I told you not to take things from people? There's a good chance people will try to take things from you. Grasping your item closely will prevent this.
Quickly, quietly, and as stealthily as possible, make your way through the chaos and pay for your items. Try to pay with cash; you don't want to be in a situation where your credit card is declined. You will have fought off an angry crowd for nothing!
After paying, sprint quickly to your getaway car. Keep in mind that, at any point, an old person may spring up to take your items for themselves. Be prepared for combat! Keep your item in your lap as you sit in your car, and drive away as fast as possible. Then, go home and take a well-deserved nap!
Using these tips, you too can have a successful and fun Black Friday! So, gas up your car, dust off your football helmet, put on your steel-toe Doc Martins, and ready your nerves for the melee ahead!
After all, there's a $98 Nintendo DS at the Wal-Mart down the road! I gotta freakin' have it!
Gather 'round, boys! We've got a valuable opportunity here! A new film in the Twilight series has arrived, and... waitaminute-
GET OUTTA HERE, GIRLS! This is for dudes only! We don't need you all coming around here with your feminine wiles! Just press the 'back' button on your browser, 'cause we don't need ya! But please, leave a favorable comment before you go. Please?
...are they gone? Good. Okay, boys! As I said, a new Twilight movie just came out. Now's your chance to pick up some hot ladies! There's a lot of females who read or watch Twilight, and not just annoying, jabbering 13-year-olds! If you're attending a college or University, chances are every lady on campus is watching Twilight. EVERY. LADY. And now Twilight, the scourge of the literary world, can finally prove useful to saps like us for picking up some fine fillies!
Hold your horses, Lothario! You can't just walk up to a chick and say, "I saw Twilight, wanna go steady?" That's a surefire way to get a palm to the face and a bruise to the ego! What you need is strategy! And that's were I, Flint Marco, the coolest mad genius on theO, come in. I have picked up countless ladies! I've had females of every race, religion, and sexual preference slap me across my handsome face! I have a large scrapbook full of old restraining orders! I know how to artfully pick up the gals using the Twilight technique, and now, I share my secrets with you.
First off, let's talk about the way you look. To be blunt, you look stupid. I mean that in the nicest way possible. Nothing about you screams sexy vampire. You are in desperate need of an image makeover if you ever hope to attract the vampire set. Here's some tips, bucko.
-Get a fauhawk or a pompadour , like, nowish. Chances are great that, currently, you have one of three hairstyles: a short, reasonable cut, long hair, or bald (by choice or by heredity). Get rid of it. You look so human.
-Dress in tight clothing all the time. You probably dress in loose-fitting, comfortable clothing because you're a dude, right? When playing this field, you must throw out your dudeship and embrace your inner vampire. Which, apparently, requires dressing like a total douche. Don't look at me. I don't make the rules. Moving on...
-Shave all the hair off of your body. Seriously, get rid of it. Vampires don't have hair, except for their great-looking scalp. You look like a gorilla in a t-shirt.
-Pour body glitter on every inch of your body. Vampires twinkle in the sunlight now, it seems. If you don't sparkle, the ladies will KNOW you're not a vampire. For added effect, don't wear a shirt when you go out. Yes, I realize it's winter. Sacrifice, my friend, sacrifice!
Okay, now you look like a vampire, which is cool. You look in no way completely ridiculous in broad daylight. Take off that baseball cap! Vampires don't know about baseball! That's why they're vampires!
...wait, they DO know about baseball? They PLAY baseball?! Since when?! Do they have their own league or something? Do they know how much the Red Sox suck? Wow, I really gotta read that book.
Which leads us to our next lesson: you gotta read about Twilight, dudes. Sorry, but you gotta. Notice how I said "read about", and not simply "read". Avoid reading the books at all costs. If any dude catches you reading Twilight, they WILL lay into you like nobody has ever laid into you before, and you WILL deserve it. Go on Wikipedia, look up a synopsis, know who the main characters are, what their powers are, all that garbage. Memorize it! You'll need it!
An important note, men: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES READ ABOUT ANY OTHER VAMPIRES BESIDES THE ONES THAT APPEAR IN TWILIGHT. Real vampires have different weaknesses and powers than the Twilight boys. I'm thinking Edward Whatshisname has the power to kill Wolverine and can call Doc Brown from whatever time period he's in, I don't know. That's why real vampires are interesting, and Twilight vampires are... well, Twilight vampires.
And now, the hardest part: using your newfound vampiric looks and knowledge to pick up some ladies! You look like you lost a fight with a Bedazzler, your clothes look like they came from the toddlers' section at the JC Penny, and now the ladies can't keep their eyes off of you.
DO NOT APPROACH THEM! This is fundamentally wrong. If you simply go up to a fine female, your mystique will disappear. The lady will look you over and either know you are not a vampire but rather a pretender, or realize how outrageously ridiculous you look (although this is unlikely).
Instead, stand far away from them. Appear brooding at all times. Sneer and scowl at them from time to time. When you walk, walk quickly, hands clenched into fists. Speak to nobody, not even friends (if you simply must communicate, use the text-messaging feature on your cellphone). The ladies will be drawn to you like flies.
Don't talk to them! In fact, pretend you don't notice them. They will pine over you like a golden idol for several days. Finally, they will say something to you. Whatever it is, you MUST answer with an insult, a threat, or a generally rude comment. Note that I said "rude", not "vulgar". Keep your insults appropriate for a Disney Channel show. You may also mention a hatred of werewolves in passing, but DO NOT direct the comment towards her! Whichever you choose, that will make the girl drawn to you even more! But, the courtship is not over!
Now comes the most beautiful part of the vampiric-courtship ritual: watching the girl sleep. This is without a doubt the hardest part, as you will most likely be breaking several laws in your area. However, it's all for true love, so it's no big deal. You'll need something to cut glass, some gloves, and if the girl lives on a second story, a ladder or a grappling hook.
Quiet is key in this part! If the girl or her parents hear you at any point, you are DEAD. They'll throw you up the river, pal! First, establish where the girl's room is. If it is, indeed, on a second or (God forbid) third story, use the ladder or grappling hook to gain entrance. If she lives four stories or more off the ground, forget about her. It's Chinatown, man.
Unless she's living in Candy Land, she probably has her window closed and locked. That's cool though; you came prepared. With the precision of a cat burglar, skillfully cut open the area of glass right above the window lock. Open the window, and crawl in silently, like the wind. When you're inside her room, take a seat. Watch her sleep. It's not fun at all, no sir. You might want to bring something to read. You can leave at any time, just don't wake anybody up. You might want to keep a time card to write down when you watched the girl sleep, and for how long. Why you'd do this, I don't know. Something to keep you busy, maybe?
If you use these steps, you'll be knee deep in swooning ladies! You'll be the envy of every guy on campus! You'll be tired, broke and miserable, sure, but who cares! You're a vampire now, apparently! The ladies LOVE you! And, friends, that's all you really need, right?
Seriously, though. Twilight sucks.
Remember the good ol' days? Back when hurricane season was fun?
I certainly do. I live on the United States Gulf Coast. I lived through the horror that was Katrina. I survived the muddled and demoralizing nightmare called Rita. I was huddled in fear at the overall non-event begotten by Dean.
Back in the day, we had tons of new hurricanes popping out of the woodwork, all ready to kill us with the quickness of a cobra. I remember fighting the crowds at all kinds of grocery stores, wholesale stores, hardware stores, army surplus stores, gun stores, auto stores, and every other place willing to take your money, all in an effort to equip myself with the proper gear to ensure the survival of myself and those around me. I remember the 11th hour decisions; do we stay here (and potentially drown or be killed by brigands), or do we take our chances out on the road, trying to escape to safety (and potentially drown or be killed by highwaymen)? I remember trying to sleep through the storm, knowing that, at any God-given moment, the very house I was sheltered in could implode or be swept away by the Hand of the Lord. I remember the long, mind-numbing blackouts that would last for weeks, arguing with the air conditioner, attempting to bargain with it by offering it batteries and wires to eat.
It was abject terror at its worst. It was the time of my life.
This hurricane season, however, has been nothing but lame. L-A-M-E. No flooding of any kind, no destruction of entire cities, no horrible deaths, no highwaymen or brigands. This sucks. I'm going out of my mind with boredom. Every May, I stock up my panic room (and by "panic room", I mean my closet) with all the emergency rations and holy items I can find. Now, I can't even use them! Come on, Wrath of God! Smite me with a mighty storm! I didn't buy 400 cans of spam for my health, 'cause Lord knows it ain't healthy!
Now, in the wake of potentially the lamest hurricane season ever, I will impart to you, the reader, one of life's most important lessons. You know how to be prepared for hurricanes. News outlets shove the information down your throats. Old people vomit the spiel all over you as you enter the grocery store. Talking heads jabber your ear off with the sound bites to the point that it's impacted in your brain. Now, Flint, theO's renegade genius and handsomest bachelor, will teach you how to be... unprepared.
Unprepared? Why on Earth would you want to be unprepared for a hurricane? Seriously, hurricanes are nothing to joke about. We've all seen the power of these storms. Entire cities sunken, buildings crumbled, death tolls in the hundreds. I want to live, Flint! I want to live!!
First off, shut up your face. Second, think about this: Life Kinda Sucks. The economy's in the toilet. Unemployment's up the yin-yang, and climbing. Bret Hart's been retired for years, and I don't think he's coming back. People from other countries want you dead for no reason. And if your anything like me, you're thousands in the hole, with no hope of paying it back in the next ten years. What's the point of living? Furthermore, while we're on the topic of not living, if you're going to die, do you want it to be all over the news, like you're some kind of martyr? Wouldn't it be nice to just be part of the hundred-strong dead pool? Now you understand the joy of hurricane unpreparedness!
Okay, You know why. Now, you must know how. Being unprepared for a hurricane starts before a hurricane is even close to your vicinity, and it requires a great deal of effort on your part. Watch the news. Does it say anything about hurricanes? Anything at all? As an unpreparer, it is your job to spook the rest of society during this time. Here's the proper procedure for spooking the public:
*If you see a category 1-3 hurricane anywhere (ANYWHERE!) in your vicinity, it is your obligation to get everyone as terrified as possible. Why? Two reasons. One, you're helping boost your city's economy by making everyone else (not you) buy survival equipment. Second, you're riling up the public into a horror-fueled stupor. That's fun! To do this properly, you should carry around some kind of holy book, and speak to anyone you see about how deadly past hurricanes were, and how Nostradamus/John Keats/Sitting Bull prophesized the end times would be brought about by this particular storm.
*If you see a category 4 storm headed your way, it's your job to talk down to those preparing for rough times ahead. Basically, you're trying to make everyone around you feel as stupid and helpless as possible. Why are you putting up boards on your window? The value of your house just decreased by thousands, stupid. Why are you buying all that bottled water? That's nothing but liquefied plastic and carcinogen cocktail, moron. Canned food contains enough sugar and salt to give you three heart attacks, idiot. Leaving for El Paso's a great idea, if you want that gang down the road to take over your home and have sex with dogs on the bed your children sleep on, you good-for-nothing sack of crap.
*If you see a category 5 storm headed your way, now's the time to show what your made of. Walk into the local supermarket. Everyone will be hustling and bustling, buying anything they can think of to ensure survival. Now's the time for you to purchase that new television you wanted. How 'bout a new PS3? Eight boxes of Oatmeal Cream Pies? A Crate of day-old bananas? Go wild! Buy things that make no sense to survivalists. Perishables, entertainment devices, and hair-care products. Buy them en mass, and make sure everyone is watching. When you leave the store, that tough-looking biker buying all those canned yams will look you over and say, "Man, did you see the guy who bought all those ding-dongs? Man, what a badass!"
Your loaded down with all that new swag, and the rest of town's either bunkered down or outta town. The hurricane's just hitting your area. Now, you have to think of what to do during this time. After all, you’re not trying to “survive”. You’re trying to have fun! Here’s some fun things for you to do while you’re waiting for all the damn rain to stop.
*Catch up on all those video games you haven’t finished and all that anime you haven’t watched while the power’s still on. When the blackout inevitably happens, you can act out your favorite anime/video games for anyone around you! Think of them as a truly captive audience!
*Take a ride around the neighborhood! If you drive a large vehicle, like a truck or an SUV, bring along a boat! This way, when the torrential rains flood the streets to the point where they’re undriveable, you can continue your urban excursion by boat! And, since pretty much anyone with a brain will be gone, downtown will be all yours! Let that upscale nightclub try to deny you entrance due to your ridiculous clothing sense now!
*If you live by the beach, have a cookout! Make sure you have everything you need: a good grill, some steaks and franks, whatever you like to drink, maybe some graham crackers, chocolate and marshmallows for s’mores, and a thick rain coat. Just think of it. The entire beach is yours! Until that storm surge takes it under, of course.
*Don’t forget to look out for news reporters. This is your big chance to make it big on television! Oh, sure, you can speak about your experience during the storm. But what Hollywood bigwig will take notice of a Johnny Nobody whining about some rain and lightning? You’ve got to turn on the theatrics during this time! Develop a persona before going in front of a camera. Really ham it up during any interviews. Make sure to use plenty curse words and vulgar phrases. Then, wait by your phone. When the power comes back on, Scorsese’ll be giving you a call!
Eventually, the storm will pass. Humanity will crawl back to what’s left of their homes. People will rebuild that which has been destroyed. Provided you’ve somehow survived, your fun doesn’t have to end! Now is the time when you show your community how much of a badass you really are! Make sure everyone knows you stayed! Tell the others they’re cowards for running, and you spit on the ground they walk on! How dare they run out on the city?! Remember to take anything offered by any state or local help programs, but contribute nothing yourself. You don’t want to look soft in front of those city-leavin’ yellow-bellied cowards, now.
Now you are knowledged, my friend. You now know the benefits of hurricane unpreparedness. Now, go forth and prosper. Look to the darkened sky, and yell, “Screw your wrath, God! I’m all about the fun, and stupid tropical winds ain’t gonna stop me from havin’ it!”