The Humorists Section's goal is to make you laugh. I hope it acomplishes that.
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- Created By theblackERspot
icanhascheezburger pics
My friend gave me that website, it humors me immensly. heres one of my fav pics
Life: 06/21/08 | Posted By: theblackERspot | 4 comments | Personal |
Movie Cliches
These movie cliches were taken from moviecliches.com, a wonderful site that my cousin showed me just yesterday. There are a ton of cliches so I'm just posting my favorite.
WOMEN
1. Women will always have shaved legs and armpits, even in caveman movies.
2. Women will be worrying about their nails or dresses while people are trying to kill them. (see also CHASES)
3. Women stand wide-eyed, hand to mouth, while hero battles villain. Women never thinks to clonk villain with handy object. Counterpoint: If woman does clonk, she always hits hero instead.
4. Women always fight other movie women by pulling hair, falling to ground together, rolling over twice.
High-powered female executives always wear miniskirts and five-inch heels to work
5. Beautiful women will always fawn over an action hero, no matter what sexist remarks he makes to them.
6. A female lead with feminist leanings will always despise a macho hero--until the first time he rescues her from certain death. She will then become totally conventional and dependent. Once she does this, the hero will become vulnerable and tell her about some tragic loss that will explain his belligerent attitude.
7. Women wear make-up to bed, and wake up with hair and face completely intact.
8. Women don't need to go to the bathroom when they get up but will shower frequently.
9. If a woman is pregnant, she will deliver before the movie ends.
10. Women also scream or make some other noise at the precise moment the villian is close enough to hear.
11. Women always stand and watch the cars that are about to run them over, OR the bad-guys that are about to shoot them (even if there's cover close by).
12. Strong (character/will) women are always macho, or bitchy.
13. Women always stuff their fist(s) in their mouths when terrified.
14. Women always have to be rescued by the hero, even if they're champion/ expert this or that.
15. Women are always too hysterical to do what the hero instructs. He has to elp/force her/knock her out.
VILLAINS
1. The bad guy is the foreigner.
2. Corollary: the foreigner is the guy who speaks English with an English accent
3. No matter how dead you think you've killed a bad guy, he can still get up at least 3 more times. Therefore, always make sure to leave his gun in or near his hand after you've killed him and you turn away to comfort the girl.
4. The bad guy usually kills his henchman for failing, yet don't seem to run out of loyal henchmen.
5. Bad guys lurk until their presence is revealed by a flash of lightning.
6. You can kill the bad guy by taking careful note of any object that the camera has lingered on for an unnecessarly length of time; typically this is something like a meathook or a jagged bit of glass. You will be involved in a mighty struggle, and at the appropriate time you can become inspired (usually by either an insult from the bad guy or a look of faith from your love interest) with strength enough to force the bad guy into/onto/under/in front of the aforementioned object. Actor's Equity (Hollywood) requires that within 15 seconds either side of the bad guy's demise, you utter your trademark phrase.
7. Whenever a villian has captured the hero, he will pause for 5 minutes to tell the hero _every_ detail of his plan to destroy and/or rule the earth, including times, dates, and addresses.
8. The bad guy, having finally gotten the good guy into his clutches, will usually spend a few meglomaniac minutes gloating over his victory and his opponent's downfall. This increment of time will prove just enough to allow the good guy to figure a way out of his predicament, or just long enough to allow a rescue attempt.
9. The bad guy, instead of simply offing the captured good guy on the spot, will devise some sort of drawn-out, fiendishly clever method of execution that will take enough time to allow the good guy to figure out his escape.
10. You can always tell which nationality the United States and the popular media are currently most unhappy with because that nation sends all their villains to star in Hollywood movies during those times (e.g. Germans in the late 40's and 50's, Asians in the 60's and 70's, Soviets in the 70's and 80's and Middle Easterners in the 90's).
WAR
MEN
1. When men drink whiskey, it is always in a shot glass, and they always drink it in one gulp. If they are wimps, they will gasp for air, then have a coughing fit. If they are macho, they will wince briefly, flashing clenched teeth.
2. Men on rafts, jungles, deserts or other extended duty don't have to carry razors because their beards don't grow. Counterpoint: Unless they drink, in which case 3-day stubble appears in 3 hrs.
MIDDLE AGES
1. Medieval peasants always have filthy faces, tangled hair, ragged clothing - and perfect, gleaming white teeth. (cf. Braveheart, any Robin Hood movie).
2. If you are a princess, you always have a favorite lady in waiting, and you always send her to warn the hero of the evil king's intention just in time.
Corollary: the lady in waiting is never quite as beautiful as the princess; however, she still always catches the eye of the hero's sidekick.
3. In a swordfight, you can always parry behind your back, and you must always find a set of stairs to fight on so that the loser can roll down them and die at the bottom.
4. Horses never get winded, throw a shoe, etc., until the pursuing sheriff is right behind the hero.
5. Corollary: the wagon that breaks an axle or gets stuck in the creek is always the one carrying the king's entire treasury, which he totes around with him every time he goes gallivanting through bandit-infested countryside.
Life: 03/24/08 | Posted By: theblackERspot | 3 comments | Other Movies |
Mr. and Mrs. Fenton
One of our friends from DE sent this to my dad in an email a while back. It made me laugh so hard and I decided to post it up here the minute I got a copy. Please Enjoy!
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted that her husband accompany her on trips to Wal Mart. Unfortunatley, Mr. Fenton was like most men- he found shopping boring and preffered to get in and get out. Equally unfortunatley, Mrs. Fenton was like most women- she loved to browse.
One day, Mrs. Fenton recieved the following letter from her local Wal Mart:
Dear Mrs. Fenton:
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillence cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 Boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading the the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares- get on it right away."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a CAUTION WET FLOOR sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set u a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them if they would bring pillows ad blankets from the beddign department.
8. Setember 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?!"
9. October 4: Looked right into a security camera and used it as a mirrior while he picked his nose
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store supiciously while loudly humming the Mission Imposible theme song.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his Maddona look by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through he yelled, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement come over the loudspeaker he assumed a fetal postition and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
and last but not least...
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waitied for a while, then yelled very loudly, "HEY! THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!"
Needless to say, Mr. Fenton will probably not be taking a trip to Wal-Mart anytime soon. ^-^
Life: 03/21/08 | Posted By: theblackERspot | 3 comments | Personal |
I Wonder Why?
Someone passed these questions on to me a while back, and I just re-discovered them now. I hope they get a few laughs.
How much deeper would the ocean be if there weren't any sponges in it?!
Isn't it a little scary that a doctor's work is called practice?
Do bald people get dandruff?
"Cute as a button". Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
If it doesn't matter if you win or lose then why have a score board ???
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assasinated instead of murdered?
How come there's no mouse flavored cat food?
Are you thinking what i'm thinking that i think that you're thinking i'm thinking because if you think that i think what i think i'm thinking then we've got a problem?
Why do some people say LOL when they arent really laughing?
Why doesnt Tarzan have a beard?
If a turtle looses it's shell is it naked or just homeless??
If the number 2 pencil is so popular, then why is it still number 2?
Which is worse, if nothing ever matters or if everything always matters???
If people can put up nude statues everwhere, then why can't we run around naked?
That's all for now, I hope you all had a chuckle or two.
Life: 03/19/08 | Posted By: theblackERspot | 3 comments | Personal |
Naruto As I See It- Chapter One
*Narorrator* Long ago in the village of Konoha, a foz demon terrorized all the people there. So instead of useing thier powerful magic to ban this demon forever, the village leaders and the Hokage decided to trap the demon in a baby's body instead. This caused the child to grow up with serious social issues. He became one of those "special" ones who craved attention and always got into trouble in "ninja school".
*Ikura* Naruto! Pay Attention! You should be learning how to kill people, like all the other 12 year olds in this class! It's your turn to test you're doppelganger skills.
*Naruto* Aww Sensei, I hate tests! But you know what I like?! Talking at the top of my lungs all the time! I could do it for the rest of my life! Believe it!
*Ikura* Yes, we all know that by now. Please Just freaking transform!
*Naruto* All Right! Time to add some comic relief porn to this manga! And it hasn't even been ten pages yet! (Poof!)
*Ikura* (Bursts out into a Nosebleed, because apparently that's what guys do everytime they see a pretty girl.) Hey! No porn allowed until Sakura comes in! Punishment for you!
*Naruto* But my lonley past makes you sympathetic to my behavior. So despite my obvious lack of morality and self control in a school building, How about you buy me ramen instead?
*Ikura* Sounds good to me
( they go out for ramen)
*Ikura* Say, while were having this heartwarming scene here, why not discuss your future ambitions?
*Naruto* I WANT TO BE THE BEST HOKAGE EVER!!!!
*Ikura* Fantastic! (to himself) God help us all
Next Day
*Ikura* Its the final test, and then you can graduate and become a shinobi! All you have to do is create one good doppel-oh frick its Naruto again.
*Naruto* Believe it!
*Ikura* Okay, try again, for the third time...
*Naruto* Believe it! (Makes a suckey clone)
*Ikura* Well that was certianly unpredictable. You fail. Next.
(Naruto leaves and sit's on a swing in a grassy area somewhere near the building and starts moping.)
*Other people* Hey its that kid. He's *wink wink* possesed. And he failed. He's a loser. Lets shun him.
*Naruto* That gives me a wonderful opportunity to sit here for a good while and meditate on my crappy life.
(Now comes a emotional and heartwarming sidestory with a throwaway villian who only exists for the sole purpose of having Naruto build his character and find out who he really is. I assume that all of you know what Naruto (and Ikura) already is and therefore would be incredibly bored by this story. Therefore, I'm cutting it out)
*Ikura* Due to our extreme character building, I have decided that I'll let you pass!
*Naruto* Hoorah! I'm the best! Now I can go to shinobi school and eventually work my way up to hokage! No doubt I will make some interesting and original characters along the way.
*Ikura* Oh don't worry, You'll meet about 70+ of those.
*Naruto* All right! I can't wait to go! Believe it!
End Chapter One
Fiction: 03/06/08 | Posted By: theblackERspot | 4 comments | Naruto |
