For Real This Time

This is so funny...Well, not really, but.
The same day I came back was the same day I had been shut off again. But SCREW THAT, I'M BACK!!! And I'm slightly dragged by some hooks.
I've just been feelin' really crappy this week. After I explain my week, I'll tell you.

.Some EXPLETIVES on the bus annoyin' me again
.Forget the rest

.Forgot the rest
(CRAP! I forgot most of my week)
.Had a strange dream, I think.

.Did nothing when I got home
.ROTC, talked to Mark, I don't know if he's on yet
.Found out why my nose hurts. I have a blackhead on it, and it felt like my bone was broken. It's ok, now, I don't feel it.
.Heard a Woodpecker. They're so freakin' cute! I wish I could just take one home!

.Slept all week
.Nothing on
.Forgot the rest

.F***** up in Drill twice
.Was anticipating getting my stuff back, didn't ask so didn't know.
.Forot the rest

Freakin' crap! Well, I'm just not in a mood to write alot, and I'm listenin to some music now, so it's taking half of my attention. I'm still mad 'cuz my headphones are still broken. I'll ask my Mom if we can get some new ones next week. She's not feeling well, so we might not go out this weekend. And I don't have SAT this Sunday, so I have some time.

Also, those in the way of Tropical Storm Isaac, I extend my prayers to you, that hurricane is very severe. I heard that it was gonna tear all the way through Arkansas and probably end after Missouri! That's insane! And I already heard about the floodings and all, I'm very concerned about you all.

I am not in a mood to write, so my previously anticipated production of my latest episode will not be created until later.

ALSO. I want your honest opinion on this. This is a very serious topic. But I need to ask someone from here to elaborate.

Am I unsociable? Or a nerd? GR! I hate that word.
But I've just been...Huff, tough with Verny Vern. We're starting to have alot more disaggreements and near arguments. LSS, I'm getting a bit tired of her chocolate-covered insults. Whenever I say "I'm lazy" or "I'm so fat", or something, she'd just make it worse. She never lends a helping word. I'm 14 years old, and I'm around 150lbs, I'm super irritated by my cousin (Who is still very annoying) and I'm a Freshman in a good High School. I'm trying to get a Physical so I can play Soccer, I would've gotten it on Thrusday, but the clinic could'nt take anyone else.
But my legs hurt from running/walking home, from Gym, and from ROTC. Right after that, my abdomen was hurting when I stood up, sat down, or walked down some steps. Now my wrist hurts because I hurt it in Gym. And she's all "You're always hurt, stop complaining. I have a reason to be upset, I have a disease!" and I'm getting so sick of hearing that! Yes, I know you have serious MS, and could possibly lose your sight or become completely paralyzed, but that's not helping me. At least offer me a bit of comfort when I need it.

I literally have nobody to talk to!(Except for y'all, who I can't stand to be apart from.) My cousin treats me like crap, and Auntie/Uncle Greg don't do anything about it...I have no siblings my age, no friends, whatsoever, and I am going through my problems without any support from anyone else, and the one time I need her to support me, she just makes it worse. My self-esteem has been shattered entirely, I keep feeling like there's something mentally wrong with me, and I'm just going crazy!!!!

She keeps saying that I need to get out more and make more friends. The thing is, I haven't met many people that are worth my time. Yeah, I know it sounds crazy, but it has to be true. Maybe not, since everywhere I've gone I've always had problems...Now I don't, but still, everywhere I go I am surrounded by idiots, sluts, and ignorance! And she keeps calling me a nerd, and said that that's why I don't have any friends. And I have plenty of friends. So what if I don't see them physically, is it really that important?! I mean, they're always telling me that I can't live life without friends, well I've done it for most of my life. I can cut emotional ties very easily!
In my many cases, friends are expendable, they come and go...They've been ripped away from me, never to be heard from again, and I remember each and every one of them! And even though this sounds negative, if some people on here left, I would manage without much emotional termoil...Because I'm so used to my friends being taken away from me...I've adjusted to not having any friends.

Sorry about that, I'm just really pissed. And she gave me the most bullshittiest reason!
Ex: I was having a convorsation with her, and I quoted something that I've heard before and I said "Well, I'm paraphrasing." and Verny Vern just HAD to retort. "See, this is why you don't have any friends."
So, I was confused by her statement. Her reasoning was, quote, "Teenagers aren't supposed to speak like that...Using big words like that." and some classmates of mine in Biology and those two premature EXPLATIVES on the bus said similar to what she said. Well, one of them said the same thing that she did, but the other said that I just talk fast. Anyway, SCREW THAT! Just because I use 'big words' (They aren't really big words, I just paid attention in English.) is nowhere near linked to why I don't have any friends. Most of those ghetto rejects aren't worth being my friends. And I'm also getting very tired of how she refers to my Mom. She's had a rough life, saying stuff about her behind her back isn't gonna fix anything, it's only gonna make it worse!

And I tried to show her some of theO, saying that I do have friends, just not at school or around the neighborhood. And she just has to have some disgusted look about everything. She had a problem with the Screennames...THE FREAKIN SCRENNAMES! Are you serious? She said "How/Why are you talking to someone who's name you don't know?!" like there's something wrong with that. And to which I responded "Does it really matter?" and she said "Yes." She's the reason why I told you all my name. And some times why I was acting weird.
It seems like nothing I ever do will impress her, and I have to live up to HER standards of everything. But she never acknowledges my academic achievements. And every time I say "I could've gone into sports if I had gone to the right school." and she has to bring up my mother, complaining about how our lives have been messed up, and blaming her for everything. We don't need to bring up the past every time she reminds me how I hate most of my life!

Why can't she just appreciate the things I have done?! So what if I don't have any friends, so what if I don't do sports, at least I'm not obese, right?! I do well in school, I'm not in the streets, I'm not perfect, but can she at least appreciate me the way I am and stop undermining everything I'm not?!!! GAH!

Well, I had to get that out. But back to my first point.
All I'll say is that.....I'm crazy. I don't necessarily have Multi-Personality Disorder, but I'm kinda Tri-Polar (Bipolar but worse), and I just...If you met me in person, you'd really want to kill me. Like...Whatever you think of me now, I can turn into something completely different! I kinda adjust the way I am around different people.
Around Keon and Vernando, I act like a real clown...I'm witty, I'm funny, and I just can't stop messin with Keon. I'm a real jackass.
Around my Mom, I'm just...Messed up. I'm uptight, I don't want to talk, I just do whatever I can to get by.
Around my Aunt and Uncle...I don't even exist. I'm like the little leech that burns up the electricity, water, etc. and I can't do anything right...I'm a total screw-up, and I feel like a nuisance.

It's like I am a hundered different people, but that's only how I adapt to everyone else around me.
And I'll tell you this now. There is no Real Me...I say that because I don't keep the same attitude all the time. Just having that certain someone walk into the room and I change from a bird to a turtle.
I feel like nobody can understand because I'm afraid to tell them.
But if you think about it, it sorta is like Multi-Personality Disorder. If you catch me on the right day, I'll appear like a completely different person.
And like I said before, if you had met me in person, and had spent alot of time around me, you'll want to kill me.

I had to get that out, I was just itchin' to tell someone!!!