Just rambling on about art, being an artist and other shizzzz...
Since everything that happened 4 months ago, art is probably one of the hardest yet most desired things I want to put my time and focus on. However, I can't seem to get out of this chronic rut, or this really slow sluggish feeling of it becoming my thing. I pushed it out of my life onto the back burner in hopes that I can rescue my family from their own bullshit, and I paid a heavy price for it because they are still alcoholics with issues that I could never fix.
I'm honestly very resentful to them still in that aspect (and probably more) because drawing and art WAS MY THANG. I loved it and put a lot of time and energy in it, and I know that my path to "success" (which I feel I never achieved on any scale to be honest) was very much forge in struggle and trying to be someone I'm not, but I can't help but to desire that again. To be so ingrained in my art, to improve and to feel like "this is my thing and I'm going to work it even if it kills me," I had serious grit. But now...NNOOWWWW, it's like I'm afraid to hold the damn pencil because I feel so disconnected to it and myself as an artist, and god I'm looking at all these amazing artists and feeling like shit because I haven't drew all that consistently in YEARS. I'm thinking "what if I didn't stop drawing as much, I would be much better" and all this extra stuff that doesn't even matter. It makes me so angry... SO angry, pissed even.
I guess I'm still feeling anger towards myself for not drawing as much as I would of liked, and even though I've been working on it (my art not my anger) for the last year or two seriously, I feel so lost at it. Like seriously, and it hurts like hell. Should I be the kawaii, everything is big eyed and adorable artist, or go towards something more action/adventure/hard core that I've been really wanting to do. OR should I blend the two or do mostly fan art, but what about my niche? I have to be consistent, and what about my old fans from like the Jurassic that loved my Tokyo Mew Mew stuff and the shit is just crazy... So crazy.
I even tried to make a business out of my art and I just couldn't bring myself to do it... Not that my art was an issue or a problem, but I just don't know what I'm doing as an artist. I'm trying to look for a higher purpose with it and I can't find it. I'm not even sure if that's what I want or need, but I feel like I'm not good enough being where I am or doing what I'm doing as far as art. And I'm so angry and hurt over that, I don't know what to do or where to go from here... I honestly don't
I'm sitting here waiting from some magic experience to happen so that I can really "get on the ball" but it never happens and I know that it's not up to anyone else but me, but I'm honestly feeling very down about it. I'm having a tough time feeling that I'm even deserving of being an artist because I pretty much stopped for way longer than I should...
Yeah, I haven't been around for a really long time and there is a reason for that. I'm not able to get into the super deep details about it all but long story short I'm currently in a homeless shelter. I've been there for about 4 months after my sister kicked me out in a drunken rage.
Quite frankly, I was ready to go, and was the best decision I've made so I took so my tablet and other important tech (except my computer) over Brandon's house. Thus the reason why you probably haven't heard from me for a WAY longer time than usual.
However though, I'm happy not to be living with my family in the dysfunction and transitioning to living on my own, finally. Me and my family are on good terms now though which is nice (because consistency right???), but I could never live with them again.
Since coming to the shelter, things have been getting a lot better and I'm becoming a much more independent person as I wanted to be. A lot is happening mostly good, nothing really bad but me stressing the fuck out over everything and my "what's the worst that can happen" mental game.
Right now, my main focus is to get into some type of art program so I can get back to drawing and creating, as well as some other things.
Honestly, my emotions are a bit everywhere today, and I just feel like throwing something expensive, stomping my feet and crying it all out (yay emotions) but I've been feeling better as the day goes on. I'm just tired of the constant struggle of trying to make things work and trying to do everything right when I know that isn't how life works. That I shouldn't strive for perfection or do everything at once. I just have this mentality (that I'm working on) that if I can "fix" this (or whatever) issue or problem then I'll never be stressed or emotionally strained again. And again, life doesn't work that way but growing up the way I did (utter chaos) I'm constantly seeking solid ground and feeling safe... No matter what the cost. Even if it doesn't make sense or never really worked in the past. The thought that I'll finally have that safety keeps me going even if my body is screaming "Hey, maybe you should slow the hell down before you have another burn out" and I'm like "Fuck you, we're almost there THEN we can chill out."
But again... Well, you see the insanity in this.
I go two minutes left on the library computer, see you guys later LOL!
As the title suggests I made a fan mew after like a million years for V-day. I'm trying to get into the habit in drawing seasonal/holiday pictures. It use to be one of my favorite things to do and so now I'm trying to pick it back up.
With that being said, I was super inspired while browsing DA seeing all the fan mews. I don't know what it is but creating fan mews is one of my top favorite things to draw. Even after like, what... almost 6 years of having my Mew Mew kick slowly died off, I still find it so relaxing to draw. Honestly, it's probably one of the few things I can cox myself into drawing again if I'm running dry or need to pick it back up. So many good memories linked to it I guess and the simplicity of it.
ANYWAY, this is Mew Mocha, or Chocolate Strawberry, or just Chocolate or whatever lol. I made her a wand vs. those instrument theme weapons, though I'll probably change it around since it's a bit clunky and I hate the TMM heart wing design that all the weapons have, it's annoying a fuck to draw lol.
I'm thinking of making a set of super cute themed mews, hell I might just overhaul my "sweets collection" team, because its old and a mess lol.
I probably need to make a totally different world where I post my WIPs (I just made one for my pixel art Orz) but here is a sketch that I made last night. It's my nightmarenin persona in the NID universe.
I can't remember exactly how nightmarenins work but they do have some type of theme to them so I’m the nightmarenin of good dreams and positivity. I have a very childish personality so I went for the sweet, baby doll look. I know I wanted the eyes to be expressive since I’m all about fun and positivity and wanted eyes to express that. I’m not sure what the color choices will be but I know I want asymmetrical patterns and colors to match again the fun and free spirited theme.
Yet again another super long time since I posted a life update here. Well since I last updated things have been getting a lot better. At that time I was going through a rough patch but made my way out since.
Anyway, I’ve been getting into pixel art a lot more and once again falling so in love with it. I didn’t realize how much I would love to do it till I started to do it. I even made my first animated pixel a few days ago and I’m so proud of myself. It’s nothing spectacular but none the less haha!
I copied nail polishes by the way for this one since I wanted a warmup.
Today I actually started and made another one of my tablet but it’s pink haha!
I’ve been going back to my artistic roots and trying to find more ways to get out of my own way in it. Lately, I’ve been detaching from all the bullshit that I was holding on to and focusing more on my art and creativity. I see that, all the things I’ve been pursuing isn’t what I need, I miss the days of just drawing, posting it, communicating with other artists, being inspired and channeling that in my work the same day. It makes no sense why I took so long to just come back to this place and just enjoy what I have and have done. Instead, I just went all around the world trying to be this and that, having all these social media sites and trying to make a business out of something that I love. That isn’t joyful to me being so focused in that way, in fact I detested that way of life before being caught up in it.
I wanted that huge success and was so focused in that space I totally missed the point of drawing at all; that I loved it. So now I guess you can say I came full circle as far as what was “missing” in my life, it’s not all the bullshit the media pumps into you like your life isn’t perfect the way it is, it’s simply being passionate and doing what you love. You don’t need all the bells and whistles if you just accept and love where you are no matter what is happening. I got lost in that, I got really lost in that and eventually let go of who I was in my core. But I can say I finally found it again and been making my way back in the last year.
I’m deciding that art is not only the most important thing in my life (since I made that statement like a million times now) but I’m going to really commit to it than all the other bullshit I was doing for like 5 years haha. Like seriously, no more of the all the distractions, delusions and this “I have to be like *insert famous/popular/perfect idol person* it doesn’t exist and quite honestly last year I learned that it’s okay to be who I am on my way to greatness. I don’t have to be anyone but myself to be successful, no matter what that may look like, and I really accepted that and even excited about what my path will look like, my way.