The Ninth Commandment

Thou shall not bother Kakuzu whilst he is counting money. This includes, but is not limited to: shouting random numbers, telling Kakuzu that the value of money has dropped one hundred percent, burning said money, scattering said money, ripping said money, asking Kakuzu to reattach body parts, and calling Kakuzu names.

Kakuzu sat at the kitchen table counting his money. He had several account books strewn about the table. Kisame strolled into the kitchen, unnoticed by the dark-haired man. The shark-man could faintly hear Kakuzu counting. “$3,289…$3,290...Oh! A $5! That’s $3,295! $3,296…” Kisame grinned an unfriendly grin and began counting aloud himself. “$200…$209…$213…”

Suddenly, Kakuzu slammed the money down and turned to Kisame. “You made me lose count, you overgrown guppy!” he shouted. Itachi strolled in, having heard the commotion. “What’s going on?” he asked, staring down the refrigerator. Kisame answered, “Kakuzu is counting money.” Itachi turned and walked over to the toaster. He petted it and said, “Poor Kakuzu, when will you learn? Money is weak. It lacks…hatred…” He turned and walked toward the door, grabbing Kisame as he went. “Crunchy, let’s go. I have to meet with Leader,” he said, leaving Kakuzu with a vein popping out on his forehead and his left eye twitching.

At that moment, Hidan walked into the kitchen, grinning like a madman. “Hey, Kakuzu, guess what I heard this morning on the news?” he said, picking up a crisp $20 and taking out a lighter. “The value of money dropped by one hundred percent.” He drew out the last three words slowly and began to set fire to the $20 in his hand. Kakuzu jumped up and leapt at his partner, yelling, “No!! You fool!! What do you think you’re doing?!” Unfortunately for the green-eyed man, the Jashinist snatched the burning $20 out of his reach. As the last of the $20 burned before Kakuzu’s eyes, Hidan let it flutter to the floor and walked away, laughing maniacally.

Just then, Tobi came tearing through the kitchen, screaming, “NO, ZETSU-SAN!!! DO NOT EAT TOBI!!!” Zetsu followed close behind, his black half saying, “Feed me!” and his white half calling, “Come back, Tobi!” As they ran through the kitchen, money fluttered everywhere. Some even happened to flutter under the Akatsuki members’ feet, ripping as they ran on. Tears began to flow from Kakuzu’s face.

Deidara crept into the room slowly, his face blushing so much that it matched the color of the clouds on his cloak. “H-hey, Kakuzu, un? Would you mind…ah…sewing something back on for me, un?” he asked, voice shaking. Kakuzu glared at the blonde, sending shivers down his spine. He began to whimper, then suddenly ran from the room, crying hysterically.

A moment later, Sasori came into the kitchen. “Hey, you Jewish Muslim, why won’t you sew Deidara back together? He’s in our room, crying hysterically! How am I supposed to get any sleep with all that racket, you heartless swamp doll?!” It was the last straw. Kakuzu snapped. Suddenly, Sasori felt as though he should have made a better choice in words…

A few hours later, Pein came home to find the base once again in shambles. The other Akatsuki members (minus Kakuzu) were outside, some shaking, others cursing. Itachi was wandering around mumbling something about lacking hatred and randomly tripping over fallen branches. Pein ignored them all and crossed the remains of the threshold of the base. The horror he found inside rendered him speechless…