Wilkommen zu deizer verruckten zeit! As the title suggests, this is just a collection of stories I've written. Some will be fan fiction, some will be original stories. I may even include poetry. Please do not take my works and claim them as your own!! I doubt you would want to, but in the event you do, I will not hesitate to call upon the powers of the Karyu to bring ultimate judgement upon you! 
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- Created By Mercury Dragon
The Eighth Commandment
Thou shall not force thy religion upon any other member of Akatsuki.
Hidan came into the common room on what was becoming an increasingly common morning. Zetsu was in the corner, mumbling to himself. Kakuzu was sitting at the kitchen table, organizing the Akatsuki’s financial records and muttering a cuss word every now and then. Sasori was on a couch under a black blanket reading his favorite book. Itachi sat beside him with an upside-down newspaper. Deidara and Tobi were wrestling over the television remote in the floor in front of Sasori and Itachi’s couch. Kisame was in the kitchen sitting across from Kakuzu, eating his breakfast. Pein and Konan were the only pair off on a mission.
“Seeemmmmppaaaaaiii!!” Tobi wailed. “Tobi wants to watch POKEMON!!” Deidara shoved Tobi away from him with his right foot. “No, baka! We’re watching Avatar: the Last Airbender, un!” Tobi begin to cry. “No, I hate that show! It’s dumb!” Deidara looked at Tobi and stated, “Not as dumb as you are, un!” before jumping up and holding the remote high above his head. Suddenly, Sasori’s foot shot out from under the blanket, kicking Deidara at the base of his spine. “Give that masked nuisance the remote NOW!! I’ve read this same damn sentence FIVE TIMES, baka!” Deidara began to protest, but promptly found himself staring at the poisoned tip of one of Sasori’s needles.
Hidan could take it no longer. These fools! Did they not understand that they were all showing blatant disrespect to Jashin-sama?! “YOU FUCKING FOOLS!!! DO YOU NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE ALL FUCKING SHOWING BLATANT DISRESPECT TO JASHIN-SAMA?!” he thundered. Everyone stopped what they were doing, except for Tobi, who was happily flipping through the channels to find his favorite show. “Deidara! Make his happy fucking ass pay attention!” Hidan shouted, pointing at Tobi. The blond did what he was told.
Kakuzu and Kisame came into the room, having heard the Jashinist’s outburst from the kitchen. “Now that you are all paying attention, I will show you how to properly start your day. The morning prayer to Jashin-sama!” Hidan began the ritual. Everyone followed, except for Itachi. Hidan noticed and asked, “Itachi? Why in fucking Hell are you not doing the fucking morning prayer?” Kisame raised his hand. “What, Kisame?” Hidan questioned angrily. “Well, Hidan, sir, Itachi’s blind, so he can’t see what you’re doing.” Hidan looked from Kisame to Itachi, then back to Kisame. “Then go fucking help him, fucking moron!” he yelled.
Two days later, Pein and Konan returned to find everyone mutilated in the living room. “HIDAN!!!” he thundered. “WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?! EVERYONE’S BLEEDING TO DEATH!!!” Hidan smiled up at the leader. “I converted them!” he chirped. “DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT IS GOING TO TAKE TO FIX ALL THESE MORONS?!” Pein roared. “Not to mention the expense of the hospital bills,” Kakuzu added.
Fiction: 10/01/08 | Posted By: Mercury Dragon | 2 comments | Naruto |
The Seventh Commandment
Thou shall not leave any strands of thy “lovely locks” in any drain.
The Akatsuki had, once again, fixed their base up. Tobi, Zetsu, Hidan, Kakuzu, Pein, and Konan were all out on missions. Loving the fact that he had a little off-time, Itachi decided to take a nice, long, steamy shower. His hair hadn’t been washed in ages, he felt. He shirked his clothes and wrapped himself in a big fluffy black towel. On his way to the shower, he met Deidara. “Itachi, I used the last of the Herbal Essences shampoo, but there should be another bottle under the sink, un,” he said upon passing the blind man.
Itachi went into the bathroom and fumbled around until he found the sink. “Of course, Crunchy has to become useless as well. That kitten is never around when I need him,” he grumbled, feeling around for a shampoo bottle. However, the first bottle his hand landed on was not shampoo. In fact, it was a bottle of The Works, a highly-dangerous drain cleaner. He turned the shower on, set the bottle on the ledge where they kept shampoo, and removed his towel.
The dark-haired man stepped into the spray of the shower and let the water drench his hair. He grabbed the bottle and poured some of the liquid in his hand. “This shampoo is a bit watery. I guess Deidara’s trying to play a prank on me. Oh, well, it’s just shampoo and water,” he mused, attempting to lather his hair.
After five or six lather-and-rinse cycles, Itachi decided it was time to get out of the shower. He would’ve gone for another cycle, but the water was beginning to run cold. Something furry brushed against his ankle as he stepped out. “Crunchy, if you’re going to help me take a shower, you have to be in here BEFORE I start the water, you stupid kitten!” he yelled.
In fact, the furry offender was not the blind man’s burnt seeing-eye turtle. It was a radioactive glob composed of Konan, Hidan, Deidara, Kakuzu, and Itachi’s hair. The glob followed Itachi out of the bathroom and began exploring the base. As it went, it picked up any random debris to add to its size.
Soon, the members who had been on missions came home to find Sasori, Deidara, Kisame, and Itachi standing outside the base. “What problems have you caused NOW, you morons?!” Pein thundered. Kakuzu added, “Please, begin with the financial tribulations.” The hairy glob came rolling out the door. Tobi immediately ran to it and hugged it. “Tobi will call you Fluffy! Can Tobi keep Fluffy, Leader-sama?” the masked man asked excitedly. “NO!!! WE’RE GOING TO DESTROY THAT MONSTROUS THING!!!” Pein roared, glaring at the four who had been left at the base.
Tobi threw himself on the ground and began to cry, “But Fluffy has a NAME! You can’t kill him, Leader-sama!” Pein ignored the nuisance and asked angrily, “Who is to blame THIS time?” All eyes immediately turned to Itachi, save for Tobi, who was still pitching a fit.
Fiction: 09/04/08 | Posted By: Mercury Dragon | 6 comments | Naruto |
The Fifth Commandment
Thou shall not use thy artwork to answer the door or telephone for any reason.
The Akatsuki had finally fixed the damage Deidara had done to their base. Everyone was gone, save for Sasori. Deidara was in Konohagakure running errands, and the other teams were all on missions. The puppet master was in the common room, enjoying the peace and quiet. Sasori was curled up on the couch under a black fleece blanket, reading his favorite book, “Puppets” by Daniel Hecht. A delivery order for a cheese pizza had been placed nearly thirty minutes ago, and the redhead’s attention could no longer be held by his book. His stomach roared and growled in anticipation of the steaming, melted cheese on top of the delicious tomato sauce and delectable dough.
Sasori was pulled from his pizza-riddled fantasies by the sharp ringing of the doorbell. He looked at the clock on the opposite wall. “Tch. Two minutes late. I’ll make that miserable, pathetic waste of skin pay for forcing me to wait,” he grumbled. The puppeteer raised his hands and took control of his latest puppet, which looked rather grotesque in its human-beetle form, with his chakra strings. Maneuvering the puppet towards the door, Sasori giggled inwardly. He could hear the door opening, as he commanded his artwork to do so. “Here is your piz—uwaaah!” came the cry of the delivery boy. He heard the box drop to the ground and the sound of running footsteps. The puppet picked up the pizza and brought it to the puppet master on command.
Just as Sasori was about to take the first bite of his prize, the phone began to ring. “What wretched fool has the gall to disturb me now?” he spat angrily. At his command, Hiruko answered the phone. A feminine voice seemed to pour out of the receiver. “How would you like to join my collection of puppets, dear?” he commanded the hunchback to question, malice dripping from every word. There was a loud click and the dial tone suddenly began pouring from the receiver. Hiruko placed the receiver back in its cradle, and immediately fell limp.
After Sasori finished his pizza, he decided to take a nap. Before retreating to his room, the redhead commanded several of his puppets to take care of any disturbances. He left Hiruko in charge of the group.
Meanwhile, all of Konoha was in an uproar. The delivery boy had run back to the restaurant screaming about a bug man. The telemarketer packed her things and left her desk hastily, all the while mumbling about not wanting to be a puppet. One mailman in particular was overheard screaming about a scorpion man. Deidara knew immediately his danna was up to something. The blond man hurriedly finished his errands and returned to the Akatsuki base.
Upon returning, the clay master headed straight for Sasori’s room. He burst in, unannounced. “Danna! What have you been doing, un?” the blond questioned angrily. Sasori opened his eyes half-way and gave Deidara a smirk. “Whatever do you mean? I haven’t done a thing,” he replied. Deidara glared at the puppet master. “I think you know what I mean, un,” he stated flatly. Sasori looked up at his partner with the best innocent face he could muster. “Dei-chan, I was only having a little fun,” he said, pretending to be hurt by the clay master’s accusations. Suddenly, Kakuzu and Pein appeared behind Deidara. “Sasori!” Pein shouted angrily. “Do you know what you’ve done? You’ve caused all of Konoha to be in an uproar!” “Not to mention the financial damage you’ve done to our account, what with the soon-to-be-filed lawsuits,” Kakuzu spat through gritted teeth. Pein glared at the puppet master. “One more mishap like this, and we’ll throw you to them, no questions asked!” he roared.
Fiction: 04/29/08 | Posted By: Mercury Dragon | 10 comments | Naruto |
The First Commandment
As promised, here is a story to explain how the first commandment of the Akatsuki came to be. There will be more to come. Please bear with me.
Thou shall not forget thy Akatsuki hat, cloak, ring, or other such article of clothing or accessory.
Sasori had just gotten into Hiruko, his favorite puppet, and was standing outside the Akatsuki base. The small redhead sighed and thought to himself, If that blond brat doesn’t hurry up, I’m going to leave him! The puppeteer was already in a foul mood at having to go on a mission on the weekend, not to mention his horrible morning. He’d awakened to the sound of Tobi being chased by Hidan, who was yelling every obscene word known to man at the little masked nuisance. When Sasori had gone into the common room to watch the morning news, he had discovered Itachi glaring at what appeared to be a molten glob of unrecognizable black goop. In all actuality, Itachi was glaring at the remains of the television set. Apparently, Itachi thought he had heard Sasuke’s voice coming from that general direction. As Sasori was walking back to his room to return to his endless work on his puppets, Pein had stopped him and informed him that he and Deidara were to go on a mission to Sunagakure, of all places, today. The redhead had simply nodded and continued to his room, only to arrive and find that Tobi had somehow broken the puppeteer’s latest masterpiece. Sasori had then gone outside to find the sky laden with dark clouds. And on top of this horrid morning, the redhead was being made to wait on that blond brat!
As Sasori was about to re-enter the Akatsuki base and drag the blond clay master outside, said clay master came rushing through the door, yelling, “Danna! Sasori-no-Danna, wait for—oof!” The tall blond man crashed into his partner. “I’m so sorry, Danna!” he said, as he stood and offered to help Sasori up. The redhead just swatted his hand away. “It’s just that, well, there was no hot water, and Itachi used the last of my shampoo, and I burned my toast, and—“ “Save it,” Sasori growled from inside Hiruko, not caring to hear his partner’s explanation. “Let’s just get this mission over with.” “Hai, Danna!”
The two began their journey to the Village Hidden in the Sand. They had made it a considerable distance from the base when the dark sky let loose an angry torrent of rain. “Sasori-no-Danna!” Deidara whined. “It’s raining!” Sasori stopped Hiruko and looked up at the blond. “Well, where is your hat?” he questioned, annoyed. “Um, I think it’s still in my room,” the clay master answered, fearing a severe tongue-lashing from what he perceived to be an old, hunched-over man. Sasori said nothing and began walking again. “Danna, my hair is getting wet! And the rain is cold!” “Well,” the puppeteer spat angrily, “perhaps you should have thought of that BEFORE running out the door and crashing into me!” Sasori stopped and looked up at the blond man again. Deidara was shivering violently now, and looked much like a nearly-drowned puppy. Sasori sighed and said, “Well, then get in.” A look of confusion stole onto the ex-Iwa nin’s face. “Get in where?” he asked. Sasori dropped the front of Hiruko. A look of utter shock took the place of confusion on Deidara’s face. “Y-you’re…You’re a KID!” he stammered. Sasori merely rolled his eyes and pulled his partner into the giant puppet. The two then headed back to the base. Deidara was silent for the rest of the trip.
Fiction: 03/07/08 | Posted By: Mercury Dragon | 8 comments | Naruto |
Akatsuki Commandments
This is just something that spawned from too much sugar...
Akatsuki Commandments
- Thou shall not forget thy Akatsuki hat, cloak, ring, or other such article of clothing or accessory.
- Thou shall not feed Zetsu after midnight.
- Thou shall not take Kisame to the pet store or any such establishment in which fish may be purchased.
- Thou shall not leave thy artwork lying around the hideout, strategically placed or otherwise. Also, thou shall not detonate said artwork inside the hideout at any time for any reason.
- Thou shall not use thy artwork to answer the door or telephone for any reason.
- Thou shall not give Tobi any form of the following: sugar, glue, paint, noise-making devices, matches, or wrap. Also, thou shall not give Tobi any substance that may spill, stain, or otherwise make any form of mess or annoyance.
- Thou shall not leave any strands of thy “lovely locks” in any drain.
- Thou shall not force thy religion upon any other member of Akatsuki.
- Thou shall not bother Kakuzu whilst he is counting money. This includes, but is not limited to: shouting random numbers, telling Kakuzu that the value of money has dropped one hundred percent, burning said money, scattering said money, ripping said money, asking Kakuzu to reattach body parts, and calling Kakuzu names.
- Thou shall not engage in any other actions, listed or unlisted, that may, in turn, incur the wrath of the Leader.
Feature: 03/05/08 | Posted By: Mercury Dragon | 18 comments | Naruto |
End