Wilkommen zu deizer verruckten zeit! As the title suggests, this is just a collection of stories I've written. Some will be fan fiction, some will be original stories. I may even include poetry. Please do not take my works and claim them as your own!! I doubt you would want to, but in the event you do, I will not hesitate to call upon the powers of the Karyu to bring ultimate judgement upon you!

The Ninth Commandment

Thou shall not bother Kakuzu whilst he is counting money. This includes, but is not limited to: shouting random numbers, telling Kakuzu that the value of money has dropped one hundred percent, burning said money, scattering said money, ripping said money, asking Kakuzu to reattach body parts, and calling Kakuzu names.

Kakuzu sat at the kitchen table counting his money. He had several account books strewn about the table. Kisame strolled into the kitchen, unnoticed by the dark-haired man. The shark-man could faintly hear Kakuzu counting. “$3,289…$3,290...Oh! A $5! That’s $3,295! $3,296…” Kisame grinned an unfriendly grin and began counting aloud himself. “$200…$209…$213…”

Suddenly, Kakuzu slammed the money down and turned to Kisame. “You made me lose count, you overgrown guppy!” he shouted. Itachi strolled in, having heard the commotion. “What’s going on?” he asked, staring down the refrigerator. Kisame answered, “Kakuzu is counting money.” Itachi turned and walked over to the toaster. He petted it and said, “Poor Kakuzu, when will you learn? Money is weak. It lacks…hatred…” He turned and walked toward the door, grabbing Kisame as he went. “Crunchy, let’s go. I have to meet with Leader,” he said, leaving Kakuzu with a vein popping out on his forehead and his left eye twitching.

At that moment, Hidan walked into the kitchen, grinning like a madman. “Hey, Kakuzu, guess what I heard this morning on the news?” he said, picking up a crisp $20 and taking out a lighter. “The value of money dropped by one hundred percent.” He drew out the last three words slowly and began to set fire to the $20 in his hand. Kakuzu jumped up and leapt at his partner, yelling, “No!! You fool!! What do you think you’re doing?!” Unfortunately for the green-eyed man, the Jashinist snatched the burning $20 out of his reach. As the last of the $20 burned before Kakuzu’s eyes, Hidan let it flutter to the floor and walked away, laughing maniacally.

Just then, Tobi came tearing through the kitchen, screaming, “NO, ZETSU-SAN!!! DO NOT EAT TOBI!!!” Zetsu followed close behind, his black half saying, “Feed me!” and his white half calling, “Come back, Tobi!” As they ran through the kitchen, money fluttered everywhere. Some even happened to flutter under the Akatsuki members’ feet, ripping as they ran on. Tears began to flow from Kakuzu’s face.

Deidara crept into the room slowly, his face blushing so much that it matched the color of the clouds on his cloak. “H-hey, Kakuzu, un? Would you mind…ah…sewing something back on for me, un?” he asked, voice shaking. Kakuzu glared at the blonde, sending shivers down his spine. He began to whimper, then suddenly ran from the room, crying hysterically.

A moment later, Sasori came into the kitchen. “Hey, you Jewish Muslim, why won’t you sew Deidara back together? He’s in our room, crying hysterically! How am I supposed to get any sleep with all that racket, you heartless swamp doll?!” It was the last straw. Kakuzu snapped. Suddenly, Sasori felt as though he should have made a better choice in words…

A few hours later, Pein came home to find the base once again in shambles. The other Akatsuki members (minus Kakuzu) were outside, some shaking, others cursing. Itachi was wandering around mumbling something about lacking hatred and randomly tripping over fallen branches. Pein ignored them all and crossed the remains of the threshold of the base. The horror he found inside rendered him speechless…

The Eighth Commandment

Thou shall not force thy religion upon any other member of Akatsuki.

Hidan came into the common room on what was becoming an increasingly common morning. Zetsu was in the corner, mumbling to himself. Kakuzu was sitting at the kitchen table, organizing the Akatsuki’s financial records and muttering a cuss word every now and then. Sasori was on a couch under a black blanket reading his favorite book. Itachi sat beside him with an upside-down newspaper. Deidara and Tobi were wrestling over the television remote in the floor in front of Sasori and Itachi’s couch. Kisame was in the kitchen sitting across from Kakuzu, eating his breakfast. Pein and Konan were the only pair off on a mission.

“Seeemmmmppaaaaaiii!!” Tobi wailed. “Tobi wants to watch POKEMON!!” Deidara shoved Tobi away from him with his right foot. “No, baka! We’re watching Avatar: the Last Airbender, un!” Tobi begin to cry. “No, I hate that show! It’s dumb!” Deidara looked at Tobi and stated, “Not as dumb as you are, un!” before jumping up and holding the remote high above his head. Suddenly, Sasori’s foot shot out from under the blanket, kicking Deidara at the base of his spine. “Give that masked nuisance the remote NOW!! I’ve read this same damn sentence FIVE TIMES, baka!” Deidara began to protest, but promptly found himself staring at the poisoned tip of one of Sasori’s needles.

Hidan could take it no longer. These fools! Did they not understand that they were all showing blatant disrespect to Jashin-sama?! “YOU FUCKING FOOLS!!! DO YOU NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE ALL FUCKING SHOWING BLATANT DISRESPECT TO JASHIN-SAMA?!” he thundered. Everyone stopped what they were doing, except for Tobi, who was happily flipping through the channels to find his favorite show. “Deidara! Make his happy fucking ass pay attention!” Hidan shouted, pointing at Tobi. The blond did what he was told.

Kakuzu and Kisame came into the room, having heard the Jashinist’s outburst from the kitchen. “Now that you are all paying attention, I will show you how to properly start your day. The morning prayer to Jashin-sama!” Hidan began the ritual. Everyone followed, except for Itachi. Hidan noticed and asked, “Itachi? Why in fucking Hell are you not doing the fucking morning prayer?” Kisame raised his hand. “What, Kisame?” Hidan questioned angrily. “Well, Hidan, sir, Itachi’s blind, so he can’t see what you’re doing.” Hidan looked from Kisame to Itachi, then back to Kisame. “Then go fucking help him, fucking moron!” he yelled.

Two days later, Pein and Konan returned to find everyone mutilated in the living room. “HIDAN!!!” he thundered. “WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?! EVERYONE’S BLEEDING TO DEATH!!!” Hidan smiled up at the leader. “I converted them!” he chirped. “DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT IS GOING TO TAKE TO FIX ALL THESE MORONS?!” Pein roared. “Not to mention the expense of the hospital bills,” Kakuzu added.

The Seventh Commandment

Thou shall not leave any strands of thy “lovely locks” in any drain.

The Akatsuki had, once again, fixed their base up. Tobi, Zetsu, Hidan, Kakuzu, Pein, and Konan were all out on missions. Loving the fact that he had a little off-time, Itachi decided to take a nice, long, steamy shower. His hair hadn’t been washed in ages, he felt. He shirked his clothes and wrapped himself in a big fluffy black towel. On his way to the shower, he met Deidara. “Itachi, I used the last of the Herbal Essences shampoo, but there should be another bottle under the sink, un,” he said upon passing the blind man.

Itachi went into the bathroom and fumbled around until he found the sink. “Of course, Crunchy has to become useless as well. That kitten is never around when I need him,” he grumbled, feeling around for a shampoo bottle. However, the first bottle his hand landed on was not shampoo. In fact, it was a bottle of The Works, a highly-dangerous drain cleaner. He turned the shower on, set the bottle on the ledge where they kept shampoo, and removed his towel.

The dark-haired man stepped into the spray of the shower and let the water drench his hair. He grabbed the bottle and poured some of the liquid in his hand. “This shampoo is a bit watery. I guess Deidara’s trying to play a prank on me. Oh, well, it’s just shampoo and water,” he mused, attempting to lather his hair.

After five or six lather-and-rinse cycles, Itachi decided it was time to get out of the shower. He would’ve gone for another cycle, but the water was beginning to run cold. Something furry brushed against his ankle as he stepped out. “Crunchy, if you’re going to help me take a shower, you have to be in here BEFORE I start the water, you stupid kitten!” he yelled.

In fact, the furry offender was not the blind man’s burnt seeing-eye turtle. It was a radioactive glob composed of Konan, Hidan, Deidara, Kakuzu, and Itachi’s hair. The glob followed Itachi out of the bathroom and began exploring the base. As it went, it picked up any random debris to add to its size.

Soon, the members who had been on missions came home to find Sasori, Deidara, Kisame, and Itachi standing outside the base. “What problems have you caused NOW, you morons?!” Pein thundered. Kakuzu added, “Please, begin with the financial tribulations.” The hairy glob came rolling out the door. Tobi immediately ran to it and hugged it. “Tobi will call you Fluffy! Can Tobi keep Fluffy, Leader-sama?” the masked man asked excitedly. “NO!!! WE’RE GOING TO DESTROY THAT MONSTROUS THING!!!” Pein roared, glaring at the four who had been left at the base.

Tobi threw himself on the ground and began to cry, “But Fluffy has a NAME! You can’t kill him, Leader-sama!” Pein ignored the nuisance and asked angrily, “Who is to blame THIS time?” All eyes immediately turned to Itachi, save for Tobi, who was still pitching a fit.

The Third Commandment

Thou shall not take Kisame to the pet store or any such establishment in which fish may be purchased.

Kisame awoke to Itachi poking him and saying, “Hey! Hey get up! I need a new seeing-eye animal!” The shark man grunted and rolled back over, knowing that the Uchiha would be fine with Crispy. Itachi did not take kindly to being ignored. The blind man put his hands under the top mattress of Kisame’s bed and lifted. The mattress flipped with ease, and a still-snoozing Kisame was dumped onto the floor rather abruptly. “Itachi! What do you think you’re doing?!” he yelled. The blind man, who was looking at the ceiling, replied, “I said I want to go to the pet store. Now get dressed and stop pretending to be Spider Man!” Kisame started to inform his partner that he was on the floor, but thought better of it.

Kisame dragged himself down to the front door, where he found Itachi trying to go through the wall. “Um, Itachi? That’s—“ “Yes, it’s the door, and it’s handle is missing! Tobi must have taken it again.” Kisame opened the door and simply guided his partner through it.

The two men finally reached the pet store, Kisame trembling in fear after being put through the Uchiha’s Tsukiyomi. After a run-in with a fallen limb, Itachi had decided the shark man needed to be put through 72 hours of Barney. Itachi, upon releasing Kisame, had simply kept walking. Kisame never wanted to see another dinosaur as long as he lived.

The Akatsuki members entered the pet store, receiving many wide-eyed, open-mouthed stares. One young, perky, seemingly-new clerk bounced up to the pair. “Hello, there! Welcome to the store!” she piped. “Is there anything I can help you with?” Itachi looked at a nearby cash register and said, “Kisame, is that the pink-haired girl I hear? You know, the one who likes Sasuke?” Kisame ignored Itachi and said to the clerk, “We’re here to get him a new seeing-eye animal.” The girl looked puzzled. “We don’t have seeing-eye animals,” she stated. Kisame simply took Itachi’s hand and led him past the clerk, saying, “It’s ok. He’ll only kill it anyways and drag the charred remains around on a leash.” The girl stared after the men in shock and horror.

“So, Itachi,” Kisame began, “what type of animal do you want this time?” Itachi wriggled away from his partner and replied, “Just leave me to find my new seeing-eye accomplice.” Kisame did as he was told, fearing another 72 hours of hearing the song “I Love You.”

While Itachi wandered through the store, staring at various objects and mumbling to himself, something caught Kisame’s eye. It was a glass tank in the back of the store. In fact, the entire back wall was lined with these tanks. Kisame went back for a closer inspection. He found the tanks to be filled with water, and in the water swam all sorts of fish. Kisame grabbed a nearby clerk, who happened to be the same girl from earlier. “Excuse me, miss,” he questioned, “but why are these fish in this tank?” The clerk, still a bit horrified, stuttered, “O-oh, I th-th-think those f-f-fish are for e-eating.”

Upon hearing this information, Kisame grew very angry. “What?!” he roared in the girl’s face. “What kind of monster would eat a fish?!” he yelled. The girl simply fainted from fear. Kisame let her limp form drop to the floor and yelled a bit louder, for the entire store to hear, “WHAT TYPE OF RUTHLESS, BLOOD-THIRSTY ANIMALS ARE YOU?!?” The shark man promptly began to overturn the nearest shelves. He then turned to the tanks and said, “Don’t worry, little guys! Big Brother Kisame will set you free!”

Suddenly the manager appeared, looking very frazzled. “Um, sir, could you please not overturn the shelves or yell? You are scaring the customers.” Kisame turned to the manager, his eyes ablaze with hatred, and whipped out Samehada. “Don’t tell me to calm down, you demon!” he thundered at the man. “You fish-eating demon!” Kisame then proceeded to destroy the pet store.

An hour later, Kisame had calmed down considerably. He and Itachi were walking back to the Akatsuki base. “So,” Kisame said, hands clasped behind his head, “what’d ya get this time, ‘Tachi?” Itachi reached into his cloak and pulled out a very frightened turtle. “I rescued this kitten from your rampage,” Itachi replied, attaching the animal to a leash. He then threw it down and said to it, “Let’s go, kitten.” The turtle merely stayed hidden inside its shell, which angered Itachi. “I said, let’s go, kitten!” he yelled, shooting flames at the turtle. It was promptly burned to a crisp. “So, uh, what’s the, um, kitten’s name?” Kisame questioned, knowing better than to inform Itachi of his mistake. “Crunchy,” replied the Uchiha. The two walked the rest of the way in silence.

Akatsuki Commandments

This is just something that spawned from too much sugar...

Akatsuki Commandments

  • Thou shall not forget thy Akatsuki hat, cloak, ring, or other such article of clothing or accessory.
  • Thou shall not feed Zetsu after midnight.
  • Thou shall not take Kisame to the pet store or any such establishment in which fish may be purchased.
  • Thou shall not leave thy artwork lying around the hideout, strategically placed or otherwise. Also, thou shall not detonate said artwork inside the hideout at any time for any reason.
  • Thou shall not use thy artwork to answer the door or telephone for any reason.
  • Thou shall not give Tobi any form of the following: sugar, glue, paint, noise-making devices, matches, or wrap. Also, thou shall not give Tobi any substance that may spill, stain, or otherwise make any form of mess or annoyance.
  • Thou shall not leave any strands of thy “lovely locks” in any drain.
  • Thou shall not force thy religion upon any other member of Akatsuki.
  • Thou shall not bother Kakuzu whilst he is counting money. This includes, but is not limited to: shouting random numbers, telling Kakuzu that the value of money has dropped one hundred percent, burning said money, scattering said money, ripping said money, asking Kakuzu to reattach body parts, and calling Kakuzu names.
  • Thou shall not engage in any other actions, listed or unlisted, that may, in turn, incur the wrath of the Leader.