Wilkommen zu deizer verruckten zeit! As the title suggests, this is just a collection of stories I've written. Some will be fan fiction, some will be original stories. I may even include poetry. Please do not take my works and claim them as your own!! I doubt you would want to, but in the event you do, I will not hesitate to call upon the powers of the Karyu to bring ultimate judgement upon you! 
- Created By Mercury Dragon
The Fifth Commandment
Thou shall not use thy artwork to answer the door or telephone for any reason.
The Akatsuki had finally fixed the damage Deidara had done to their base. Everyone was gone, save for Sasori. Deidara was in Konohagakure running errands, and the other teams were all on missions. The puppet master was in the common room, enjoying the peace and quiet. Sasori was curled up on the couch under a black fleece blanket, reading his favorite book, “Puppets” by Daniel Hecht. A delivery order for a cheese pizza had been placed nearly thirty minutes ago, and the redhead’s attention could no longer be held by his book. His stomach roared and growled in anticipation of the steaming, melted cheese on top of the delicious tomato sauce and delectable dough.
Sasori was pulled from his pizza-riddled fantasies by the sharp ringing of the doorbell. He looked at the clock on the opposite wall. “Tch. Two minutes late. I’ll make that miserable, pathetic waste of skin pay for forcing me to wait,” he grumbled. The puppeteer raised his hands and took control of his latest puppet, which looked rather grotesque in its human-beetle form, with his chakra strings. Maneuvering the puppet towards the door, Sasori giggled inwardly. He could hear the door opening, as he commanded his artwork to do so. “Here is your piz—uwaaah!” came the cry of the delivery boy. He heard the box drop to the ground and the sound of running footsteps. The puppet picked up the pizza and brought it to the puppet master on command.
Just as Sasori was about to take the first bite of his prize, the phone began to ring. “What wretched fool has the gall to disturb me now?” he spat angrily. At his command, Hiruko answered the phone. A feminine voice seemed to pour out of the receiver. “How would you like to join my collection of puppets, dear?” he commanded the hunchback to question, malice dripping from every word. There was a loud click and the dial tone suddenly began pouring from the receiver. Hiruko placed the receiver back in its cradle, and immediately fell limp.
After Sasori finished his pizza, he decided to take a nap. Before retreating to his room, the redhead commanded several of his puppets to take care of any disturbances. He left Hiruko in charge of the group.
Meanwhile, all of Konoha was in an uproar. The delivery boy had run back to the restaurant screaming about a bug man. The telemarketer packed her things and left her desk hastily, all the while mumbling about not wanting to be a puppet. One mailman in particular was overheard screaming about a scorpion man. Deidara knew immediately his danna was up to something. The blond man hurriedly finished his errands and returned to the Akatsuki base.
Upon returning, the clay master headed straight for Sasori’s room. He burst in, unannounced. “Danna! What have you been doing, un?” the blond questioned angrily. Sasori opened his eyes half-way and gave Deidara a smirk. “Whatever do you mean? I haven’t done a thing,” he replied. Deidara glared at the puppet master. “I think you know what I mean, un,” he stated flatly. Sasori looked up at his partner with the best innocent face he could muster. “Dei-chan, I was only having a little fun,” he said, pretending to be hurt by the clay master’s accusations. Suddenly, Kakuzu and Pein appeared behind Deidara. “Sasori!” Pein shouted angrily. “Do you know what you’ve done? You’ve caused all of Konoha to be in an uproar!” “Not to mention the financial damage you’ve done to our account, what with the soon-to-be-filed lawsuits,” Kakuzu spat through gritted teeth. Pein glared at the puppet master. “One more mishap like this, and we’ll throw you to them, no questions asked!” he roared.
Fiction: 04/29/08 | Posted By: Mercury Dragon | 7 comments | Naruto |
The Fourth Commandment
Thou shall not leave thy artwork lying around the hideout, strategically placed or otherwise. Also, thou shall not detonate said artwork inside the hideout at any time for any reason.
It was a rare Saturday morning for the Akatsuki. “Rare” meaning that no one had awakened to Pein standing over them, grinning like a madman and saying something about a mission. Everyone was relaxing in some way or another. Everyone except Deidara, that is. The skinny blond clay artist was running around the base, frantically searching for his works of art.
Deidara burst into Sasori’s room, unannounced. The puppet man had been hard at work on his favorite puppet, Hiruko. His back was to the door. As soon as the blond burst into the room, screws and a screwdriver went flying. “Danna! Sasori no Danna! I can’t find them! I can’t find them anywhere, un!” Sasori, without looking at him, growled, “Can’t find what, brat?” Deidara began to sweat. Obviously, his danna was not in the best of moods today. “M-my, um…My c-c-clay b-bombs, un,” he answered. Sasori turned around, glaring at his partner. “I do not have time to play ‘amateur hour’ with you today, Deidara-baka. I finally have a day to myself,” he said, through gritted teeth. Sasori began stalking toward the blond. “You see, those bombs you call ‘art’ are not worth my precious time. I am making true art, something that will last forever. Now get out of my room, or I’ll turn YOU into a work of art!” The redhead slammed his door in Deidara’s face. Deidara stood, stunned that his partner would be so crazy as to believe that art wasn’t a bang.
Suddenly, Tobi came running down the hall. The masked boy practically ran over Deidara, hastily calling over his shoulder, “Tobi is sorry, Sempai! Tobi must hide from Zetsu-san!” Deidara got up from the floor and began his search again. “I know they’re around here somewhere, un!” he muttered to himself. He began to run through the base frantically. The clay master ran by the bathroom, and froze mid-run. “Hehe! I know where I left one of them, un!” Deidara put his ear to the door and heard muffled cursing. “Oh, Hidan is in there, un. Perfect! This is called ‘payback,’ you overly-zealous Jashinist, un!” Deidara put the first two fingers of his right hand near his lips and whispered, “Katsu!” He ran like crazy, not wanting to be around when Hidan finally realized what had happened. Suddenly, an explosion went off in the bathroom, and Hidan began yelling every obscene word in history.
Deidara burst into a fit of laughter. “Payback is such fun, un!” Just then, Tobi came around the corner. “Why is Sempai laughing?” he asked. Deidara simply shook his head. “Well, then did Sempai find what he is looking for?” Tobi asked. Deidara looked up at the masked nuisance. “No, Tobi. I didn’t find my bombs. Well, except for that one ‘strategically placed’ bomb in the bathroom.” Tobi sat down beside the blond and thought. “Tobi has an idea!” he exclaimed finally. Deidara just stared. “Tobi thinks that Sempai should yell, ‘Katsu!’ as loud as he can. Then Sempai will find all of his bombs!” Deidara thought for a minute. “You’re right. Now, come with me, Tobi, un! You don’t want to be in the base when the bombs go off, un.”
Deidara and Tobi stood in front of the Akatsuki base. The blond man put the two fingers to his lips again, this time closing his eyes and concentrating. Suddenly, he yelled at the top of his lungs, “KAAAATSUUUU!!!” All of the bombs exploded at once, leaving the base in ruins. Tobi began jumping up and down, clapping his hands, and shouting, “Sempai found his bombs! Sempai found his bombs!” Suddenly, the rest of the Akatsuki yelled angrily, “DEEEIIIDAAARAAAAA!!!!” The blond began to sweat again and uttered a single word. “Oops!”
Fiction: 04/21/08 | Posted By: Mercury Dragon | 11 comments | Naruto |
The Third Commandment
Thou shall not take Kisame to the pet store or any such establishment in which fish may be purchased.
Kisame awoke to Itachi poking him and saying, “Hey! Hey get up! I need a new seeing-eye animal!” The shark man grunted and rolled back over, knowing that the Uchiha would be fine with Crispy. Itachi did not take kindly to being ignored. The blind man put his hands under the top mattress of Kisame’s bed and lifted. The mattress flipped with ease, and a still-snoozing Kisame was dumped onto the floor rather abruptly. “Itachi! What do you think you’re doing?!” he yelled. The blind man, who was looking at the ceiling, replied, “I said I want to go to the pet store. Now get dressed and stop pretending to be Spider Man!” Kisame started to inform his partner that he was on the floor, but thought better of it.
Kisame dragged himself down to the front door, where he found Itachi trying to go through the wall. “Um, Itachi? That’s—“ “Yes, it’s the door, and it’s handle is missing! Tobi must have taken it again.” Kisame opened the door and simply guided his partner through it.
The two men finally reached the pet store, Kisame trembling in fear after being put through the Uchiha’s Tsukiyomi. After a run-in with a fallen limb, Itachi had decided the shark man needed to be put through 72 hours of Barney. Itachi, upon releasing Kisame, had simply kept walking. Kisame never wanted to see another dinosaur as long as he lived.
The Akatsuki members entered the pet store, receiving many wide-eyed, open-mouthed stares. One young, perky, seemingly-new clerk bounced up to the pair. “Hello, there! Welcome to the store!” she piped. “Is there anything I can help you with?” Itachi looked at a nearby cash register and said, “Kisame, is that the pink-haired girl I hear? You know, the one who likes Sasuke?” Kisame ignored Itachi and said to the clerk, “We’re here to get him a new seeing-eye animal.” The girl looked puzzled. “We don’t have seeing-eye animals,” she stated. Kisame simply took Itachi’s hand and led him past the clerk, saying, “It’s ok. He’ll only kill it anyways and drag the charred remains around on a leash.” The girl stared after the men in shock and horror.
“So, Itachi,” Kisame began, “what type of animal do you want this time?” Itachi wriggled away from his partner and replied, “Just leave me to find my new seeing-eye accomplice.” Kisame did as he was told, fearing another 72 hours of hearing the song “I Love You.”
While Itachi wandered through the store, staring at various objects and mumbling to himself, something caught Kisame’s eye. It was a glass tank in the back of the store. In fact, the entire back wall was lined with these tanks. Kisame went back for a closer inspection. He found the tanks to be filled with water, and in the water swam all sorts of fish. Kisame grabbed a nearby clerk, who happened to be the same girl from earlier. “Excuse me, miss,” he questioned, “but why are these fish in this tank?” The clerk, still a bit horrified, stuttered, “O-oh, I th-th-think those f-f-fish are for e-eating.”
Upon hearing this information, Kisame grew very angry. “What?!” he roared in the girl’s face. “What kind of monster would eat a fish?!” he yelled. The girl simply fainted from fear. Kisame let her limp form drop to the floor and yelled a bit louder, for the entire store to hear, “WHAT TYPE OF RUTHLESS, BLOOD-THIRSTY ANIMALS ARE YOU?!?” The shark man promptly began to overturn the nearest shelves. He then turned to the tanks and said, “Don’t worry, little guys! Big Brother Kisame will set you free!”
Suddenly the manager appeared, looking very frazzled. “Um, sir, could you please not overturn the shelves or yell? You are scaring the customers.” Kisame turned to the manager, his eyes ablaze with hatred, and whipped out Samehada. “Don’t tell me to calm down, you demon!” he thundered at the man. “You fish-eating demon!” Kisame then proceeded to destroy the pet store.
An hour later, Kisame had calmed down considerably. He and Itachi were walking back to the Akatsuki base. “So,” Kisame said, hands clasped behind his head, “what’d ya get this time, ‘Tachi?” Itachi reached into his cloak and pulled out a very frightened turtle. “I rescued this kitten from your rampage,” Itachi replied, attaching the animal to a leash. He then threw it down and said to it, “Let’s go, kitten.” The turtle merely stayed hidden inside its shell, which angered Itachi. “I said, let’s go, kitten!” he yelled, shooting flames at the turtle. It was promptly burned to a crisp. “So, uh, what’s the, um, kitten’s name?” Kisame questioned, knowing better than to inform Itachi of his mistake. “Crunchy,” replied the Uchiha. The two walked the rest of the way in silence.
Fiction: 03/28/08 | Posted By: Mercury Dragon | 11 comments | Naruto |
The First Commandment
As promised, here is a story to explain how the first commandment of the Akatsuki came to be. There will be more to come. Please bear with me.
Thou shall not forget thy Akatsuki hat, cloak, ring, or other such article of clothing or accessory.
Sasori had just gotten into Hiruko, his favorite puppet, and was standing outside the Akatsuki base. The small redhead sighed and thought to himself, If that blond brat doesn’t hurry up, I’m going to leave him! The puppeteer was already in a foul mood at having to go on a mission on the weekend, not to mention his horrible morning. He’d awakened to the sound of Tobi being chased by Hidan, who was yelling every obscene word known to man at the little masked nuisance. When Sasori had gone into the common room to watch the morning news, he had discovered Itachi glaring at what appeared to be a molten glob of unrecognizable black goop. In all actuality, Itachi was glaring at the remains of the television set. Apparently, Itachi thought he had heard Sasuke’s voice coming from that general direction. As Sasori was walking back to his room to return to his endless work on his puppets, Pein had stopped him and informed him that he and Deidara were to go on a mission to Sunagakure, of all places, today. The redhead had simply nodded and continued to his room, only to arrive and find that Tobi had somehow broken the puppeteer’s latest masterpiece. Sasori had then gone outside to find the sky laden with dark clouds. And on top of this horrid morning, the redhead was being made to wait on that blond brat!
As Sasori was about to re-enter the Akatsuki base and drag the blond clay master outside, said clay master came rushing through the door, yelling, “Danna! Sasori-no-Danna, wait for—oof!” The tall blond man crashed into his partner. “I’m so sorry, Danna!” he said, as he stood and offered to help Sasori up. The redhead just swatted his hand away. “It’s just that, well, there was no hot water, and Itachi used the last of my shampoo, and I burned my toast, and—“ “Save it,” Sasori growled from inside Hiruko, not caring to hear his partner’s explanation. “Let’s just get this mission over with.” “Hai, Danna!”
The two began their journey to the Village Hidden in the Sand. They had made it a considerable distance from the base when the dark sky let loose an angry torrent of rain. “Sasori-no-Danna!” Deidara whined. “It’s raining!” Sasori stopped Hiruko and looked up at the blond. “Well, where is your hat?” he questioned, annoyed. “Um, I think it’s still in my room,” the clay master answered, fearing a severe tongue-lashing from what he perceived to be an old, hunched-over man. Sasori said nothing and began walking again. “Danna, my hair is getting wet! And the rain is cold!” “Well,” the puppeteer spat angrily, “perhaps you should have thought of that BEFORE running out the door and crashing into me!” Sasori stopped and looked up at the blond man again. Deidara was shivering violently now, and looked much like a nearly-drowned puppy. Sasori sighed and said, “Well, then get in.” A look of confusion stole onto the ex-Iwa nin’s face. “Get in where?” he asked. Sasori dropped the front of Hiruko. A look of utter shock took the place of confusion on Deidara’s face. “Y-you’re…You’re a KID!” he stammered. Sasori merely rolled his eyes and pulled his partner into the giant puppet. The two then headed back to the base. Deidara was silent for the rest of the trip.
Fiction: 03/07/08 | Posted By: Mercury Dragon | 7 comments | Naruto |
Akatsuki Commandments
This is just something that spawned from too much sugar...
Akatsuki Commandments
- Thou shall not forget thy Akatsuki hat, cloak, ring, or other such article of clothing or accessory.
- Thou shall not feed Zetsu after midnight.
- Thou shall not take Kisame to the pet store or any such establishment in which fish may be purchased.
- Thou shall not leave thy artwork lying around the hideout, strategically placed or otherwise. Also, thou shall not detonate said artwork inside the hideout at any time for any reason.
- Thou shall not use thy artwork to answer the door or telephone for any reason.
- Thou shall not give Tobi any form of the following: sugar, glue, paint, noise-making devices, matches, or wrap. Also, thou shall not give Tobi any substance that may spill, stain, or otherwise make any form of mess or annoyance.
- Thou shall not leave any strands of thy “lovely locks” in any drain.
- Thou shall not force thy religion upon any other member of Akatsuki.
- Thou shall not bother Kakuzu whilst he is counting money. This includes, but is not limited to: shouting random numbers, telling Kakuzu that the value of money has dropped one hundred percent, burning said money, scattering said money, ripping said money, asking Kakuzu to reattach body parts, and calling Kakuzu names.
- Thou shall not engage in any other actions, listed or unlisted, that may, in turn, incur the wrath of the Leader.
Feature: 03/05/08 | Posted By: Mercury Dragon | 18 comments | Naruto |
End