Wilkommen zu deizer verruckten zeit! As the title suggests, this is just a collection of stories I've written. Some will be fan fiction, some will be original stories. I may even include poetry. Please do not take my works and claim them as your own!! I doubt you would want to, but in the event you do, I will not hesitate to call upon the powers of the Karyu to bring ultimate judgement upon you!

The Third Commandment

Thou shall not take Kisame to the pet store or any such establishment in which fish may be purchased.

Kisame awoke to Itachi poking him and saying, “Hey! Hey get up! I need a new seeing-eye animal!” The shark man grunted and rolled back over, knowing that the Uchiha would be fine with Crispy. Itachi did not take kindly to being ignored. The blind man put his hands under the top mattress of Kisame’s bed and lifted. The mattress flipped with ease, and a still-snoozing Kisame was dumped onto the floor rather abruptly. “Itachi! What do you think you’re doing?!” he yelled. The blind man, who was looking at the ceiling, replied, “I said I want to go to the pet store. Now get dressed and stop pretending to be Spider Man!” Kisame started to inform his partner that he was on the floor, but thought better of it.

Kisame dragged himself down to the front door, where he found Itachi trying to go through the wall. “Um, Itachi? That’s—“ “Yes, it’s the door, and it’s handle is missing! Tobi must have taken it again.” Kisame opened the door and simply guided his partner through it.

The two men finally reached the pet store, Kisame trembling in fear after being put through the Uchiha’s Tsukiyomi. After a run-in with a fallen limb, Itachi had decided the shark man needed to be put through 72 hours of Barney. Itachi, upon releasing Kisame, had simply kept walking. Kisame never wanted to see another dinosaur as long as he lived.

The Akatsuki members entered the pet store, receiving many wide-eyed, open-mouthed stares. One young, perky, seemingly-new clerk bounced up to the pair. “Hello, there! Welcome to the store!” she piped. “Is there anything I can help you with?” Itachi looked at a nearby cash register and said, “Kisame, is that the pink-haired girl I hear? You know, the one who likes Sasuke?” Kisame ignored Itachi and said to the clerk, “We’re here to get him a new seeing-eye animal.” The girl looked puzzled. “We don’t have seeing-eye animals,” she stated. Kisame simply took Itachi’s hand and led him past the clerk, saying, “It’s ok. He’ll only kill it anyways and drag the charred remains around on a leash.” The girl stared after the men in shock and horror.

“So, Itachi,” Kisame began, “what type of animal do you want this time?” Itachi wriggled away from his partner and replied, “Just leave me to find my new seeing-eye accomplice.” Kisame did as he was told, fearing another 72 hours of hearing the song “I Love You.”

While Itachi wandered through the store, staring at various objects and mumbling to himself, something caught Kisame’s eye. It was a glass tank in the back of the store. In fact, the entire back wall was lined with these tanks. Kisame went back for a closer inspection. He found the tanks to be filled with water, and in the water swam all sorts of fish. Kisame grabbed a nearby clerk, who happened to be the same girl from earlier. “Excuse me, miss,” he questioned, “but why are these fish in this tank?” The clerk, still a bit horrified, stuttered, “O-oh, I th-th-think those f-f-fish are for e-eating.”

Upon hearing this information, Kisame grew very angry. “What?!” he roared in the girl’s face. “What kind of monster would eat a fish?!” he yelled. The girl simply fainted from fear. Kisame let her limp form drop to the floor and yelled a bit louder, for the entire store to hear, “WHAT TYPE OF RUTHLESS, BLOOD-THIRSTY ANIMALS ARE YOU?!?” The shark man promptly began to overturn the nearest shelves. He then turned to the tanks and said, “Don’t worry, little guys! Big Brother Kisame will set you free!”

Suddenly the manager appeared, looking very frazzled. “Um, sir, could you please not overturn the shelves or yell? You are scaring the customers.” Kisame turned to the manager, his eyes ablaze with hatred, and whipped out Samehada. “Don’t tell me to calm down, you demon!” he thundered at the man. “You fish-eating demon!” Kisame then proceeded to destroy the pet store.

An hour later, Kisame had calmed down considerably. He and Itachi were walking back to the Akatsuki base. “So,” Kisame said, hands clasped behind his head, “what’d ya get this time, ‘Tachi?” Itachi reached into his cloak and pulled out a very frightened turtle. “I rescued this kitten from your rampage,” Itachi replied, attaching the animal to a leash. He then threw it down and said to it, “Let’s go, kitten.” The turtle merely stayed hidden inside its shell, which angered Itachi. “I said, let’s go, kitten!” he yelled, shooting flames at the turtle. It was promptly burned to a crisp. “So, uh, what’s the, um, kitten’s name?” Kisame questioned, knowing better than to inform Itachi of his mistake. “Crunchy,” replied the Uchiha. The two walked the rest of the way in silence.

The Second Commandment

Aha! Yes, folks, 'tis a continuation of the Akatsuki Commandments! Dun-dun-DUUUUUN!!! Enjoy!!

Thou shall not feed Zetsu after midnight.

All was dark in the Akatsuki base. Not a sound could be heard. No one was stirring, not even a mouse. However, a certain plant began to twitch. Suddenly, the two halves of the giant venus flytrap split apart, revealing a face with a black half and a white half. The round, yellow eyes glinted in the darkness. The small alarm clock on the desk against the far wall glowed red in the darkness. It showed the time to be one o’clock in the morning. The lips of the face parted, and a single word escaped. “Hungry.”

Zetsu rose from his sleeping place in the corner of his room. The plant-like man crept out his door and down the hallway towards the kitchen. As he entered the common room, a sudden noise made him dart to a corner and clamp shut. Someone was coming.

Tobi had awakened from a particularly frightening nightmare and had felt the very urgent need to relieve himself. He had heard a noise as he had left the bathroom. It sounded like it was coming from the common room. Tobi entered the room and found Zetsu sleeping in the corner. “Zetsu-san? Zetsu-san! Why is Zetsu-san sleeping in the common room? Tobi does not think Zetsu-san should be sleeping here. Tobi is a good boy, so Tobi will wake Zetsu-san up and get Zetsu-san into Zetsu-san’s bed!” the masked nuisance declared. He tip-toed over to the seemingly sleeping Zetsu and began poking the venus flytrap. Suddenly, it popped open, revealing Zetsu’s face. Tobi jumped, startled. “Hungry,” came Zetsu’s voice. “Zetsu-san, Tobi does not think you should sleep in the common room! So Tobi decided to wake you, because Tobi is a good boy! Is Tobi in the Akatsuki now, Zetsu-san?” Zetsu ignored the masked nuisance’s question, uttering the only word the black half of his face had been uttering since waking up. “Hungry.”

Tobi looked at Zetsu. “Zetsu-san is hungry? Then Tobi the good boy will feed Zetsu-san!” As Tobi ran off to the kitchen, the white half called, “No, don’t feed me! You don’t know what happens when I eat after midnight!” Tobi returned with a muffin in hand and shoved it down Zetsu’s throat. “Now Zetsu-san can go to bed?” he questioned. “Hungry,” the black half said. Tobi ran off again and shortly returned with a sandwich. He stuffed it into Zetsu’s mouth. “Is Tobi in Akatsuki now, Zetsu-san?” he questioned. “More,” said the black half. Tobi ran off again and returned with a whole roasted turkey. Zetsu hastily consumed the bird and uttered once again, “More!” Tobi looked at Zetsu. “Zetsu-san, are you getting taller?” he asked.

This time, Tobi led Zetsu into the kitchen. The masked nuisance opened the refrigerator, his back to the now grinning Zetsu. “Okay, Zetsu-san, open wide!” called Tobi over his shoulder. Zetsu did as he was told, and Tobi began throwing random food items into Zetsu’s mouth. By the time Tobi was finished, Zetsu had consumed the following: three whole pizzas (still frozen), two packages of sandwich meat, a bowl of cottage cheese, eight oranges, five watermelons, four gallons of milk, seven bottles of assorted flavors of soda, nine bowls of jello, two more turkeys (one of which was still frozen and in its packaging), two cartons of orange juice, and some odd-looking conglomeration of vegetables resembling half of a human brain that had been sitting on a plate and wrapped in cling-wrap.

As Tobi turned around, he asked, “Is Tobi in Akatsuki n—Zetsu-san!! Where did you go?!” Tobi looked in every direction except up. An evil laugh seemed to come from above the ceiling. Tobi looked up. “Zetsu-san! How did you get so tall, Zetsu-san?” he asked, not caring that Zetsu was laughing maniacally. Zetsu brought his head back down so that he could look Tobi in the eye. “Tobi, I’m still hungry. Feed me!” he exclaimed. “But, Zetsu-san, the fridge is empty!” Tobi replied. Zetsu grinned, showing his teeth, which seemed to be very sharp. “Z-zetsu-san?” Tobi questioned nervously. Zetsu opened his mouth and clamped onto Tobi’s upper half. The masked nuisance’s legs were kicking and a muffled sound came from within Zetsu’s mouth, “Mmmff! Mmeemmferrr-faaaammaa!!” At that moment, Pein entered the kitchen. “What is going—Zetsu! Spit it out! Now!!” Zetsu spit Tobi out and Tobi landed on his bottom on the floor, covered it spit. By this time, the rest of the Akatsuki had assembled themselves in the kitchen. Deidara, who’s hair was a wreck, couldn’t speak for laughing so hard. Kisame just stared, wide-eyed. Sasori stood with his usual half-lidded look. Kakuzu and Konan simply turned back around and went back to their respective rooms. Hidan uttered a string of profanity. Itachi was facing the opposite direction and saying, “Sasuke? Is that you? You are weak, little brother. You lack hatred, and you will never surpass me. Sasuke!”

The First Commandment

As promised, here is a story to explain how the first commandment of the Akatsuki came to be. There will be more to come. Please bear with me.

Thou shall not forget thy Akatsuki hat, cloak, ring, or other such article of clothing or accessory.

Sasori had just gotten into Hiruko, his favorite puppet, and was standing outside the Akatsuki base. The small redhead sighed and thought to himself, If that blond brat doesn’t hurry up, I’m going to leave him! The puppeteer was already in a foul mood at having to go on a mission on the weekend, not to mention his horrible morning. He’d awakened to the sound of Tobi being chased by Hidan, who was yelling every obscene word known to man at the little masked nuisance. When Sasori had gone into the common room to watch the morning news, he had discovered Itachi glaring at what appeared to be a molten glob of unrecognizable black goop. In all actuality, Itachi was glaring at the remains of the television set. Apparently, Itachi thought he had heard Sasuke’s voice coming from that general direction. As Sasori was walking back to his room to return to his endless work on his puppets, Pein had stopped him and informed him that he and Deidara were to go on a mission to Sunagakure, of all places, today. The redhead had simply nodded and continued to his room, only to arrive and find that Tobi had somehow broken the puppeteer’s latest masterpiece. Sasori had then gone outside to find the sky laden with dark clouds. And on top of this horrid morning, the redhead was being made to wait on that blond brat!

As Sasori was about to re-enter the Akatsuki base and drag the blond clay master outside, said clay master came rushing through the door, yelling, “Danna! Sasori-no-Danna, wait for—oof!” The tall blond man crashed into his partner. “I’m so sorry, Danna!” he said, as he stood and offered to help Sasori up. The redhead just swatted his hand away. “It’s just that, well, there was no hot water, and Itachi used the last of my shampoo, and I burned my toast, and—“ “Save it,” Sasori growled from inside Hiruko, not caring to hear his partner’s explanation. “Let’s just get this mission over with.” “Hai, Danna!”

The two began their journey to the Village Hidden in the Sand. They had made it a considerable distance from the base when the dark sky let loose an angry torrent of rain. “Sasori-no-Danna!” Deidara whined. “It’s raining!” Sasori stopped Hiruko and looked up at the blond. “Well, where is your hat?” he questioned, annoyed. “Um, I think it’s still in my room,” the clay master answered, fearing a severe tongue-lashing from what he perceived to be an old, hunched-over man. Sasori said nothing and began walking again. “Danna, my hair is getting wet! And the rain is cold!” “Well,” the puppeteer spat angrily, “perhaps you should have thought of that BEFORE running out the door and crashing into me!” Sasori stopped and looked up at the blond man again. Deidara was shivering violently now, and looked much like a nearly-drowned puppy. Sasori sighed and said, “Well, then get in.” A look of confusion stole onto the ex-Iwa nin’s face. “Get in where?” he asked. Sasori dropped the front of Hiruko. A look of utter shock took the place of confusion on Deidara’s face. “Y-you’re…You’re a KID!” he stammered. Sasori merely rolled his eyes and pulled his partner into the giant puppet. The two then headed back to the base. Deidara was silent for the rest of the trip.

Crimson Rain

This is a poem I wrote a couple years back. I wrote it through Gojyo's perspective, or at least I tried. Hope you like it!

These crimson tears I cry,
Aren't concealed by a lie.
The physical scars I wear,
Are emotional scars I bear.
The pain I hide within,
Becomes the knife against my skin.
Catch the hurt I cry,
Or tonight I'll surely die.

Akatsuki Commandments

This is just something that spawned from too much sugar...

Akatsuki Commandments

  • Thou shall not forget thy Akatsuki hat, cloak, ring, or other such article of clothing or accessory.
  • Thou shall not feed Zetsu after midnight.
  • Thou shall not take Kisame to the pet store or any such establishment in which fish may be purchased.
  • Thou shall not leave thy artwork lying around the hideout, strategically placed or otherwise. Also, thou shall not detonate said artwork inside the hideout at any time for any reason.
  • Thou shall not use thy artwork to answer the door or telephone for any reason.
  • Thou shall not give Tobi any form of the following: sugar, glue, paint, noise-making devices, matches, or wrap. Also, thou shall not give Tobi any substance that may spill, stain, or otherwise make any form of mess or annoyance.
  • Thou shall not leave any strands of thy “lovely locks” in any drain.
  • Thou shall not force thy religion upon any other member of Akatsuki.
  • Thou shall not bother Kakuzu whilst he is counting money. This includes, but is not limited to: shouting random numbers, telling Kakuzu that the value of money has dropped one hundred percent, burning said money, scattering said money, ripping said money, asking Kakuzu to reattach body parts, and calling Kakuzu names.
  • Thou shall not engage in any other actions, listed or unlisted, that may, in turn, incur the wrath of the Leader.