Wilkommen zu deizer verruckten zeit! As the title suggests, this is just a collection of stories I've written. Some will be fan fiction, some will be original stories. I may even include poetry. Please do not take my works and claim them as your own!! I doubt you would want to, but in the event you do, I will not hesitate to call upon the powers of the Karyu to bring ultimate judgement upon you!

The Eighth Commandment

Thou shall not force thy religion upon any other member of Akatsuki.

Hidan came into the common room on what was becoming an increasingly common morning. Zetsu was in the corner, mumbling to himself. Kakuzu was sitting at the kitchen table, organizing the Akatsuki’s financial records and muttering a cuss word every now and then. Sasori was on a couch under a black blanket reading his favorite book. Itachi sat beside him with an upside-down newspaper. Deidara and Tobi were wrestling over the television remote in the floor in front of Sasori and Itachi’s couch. Kisame was in the kitchen sitting across from Kakuzu, eating his breakfast. Pein and Konan were the only pair off on a mission.

“Seeemmmmppaaaaaiii!!” Tobi wailed. “Tobi wants to watch POKEMON!!” Deidara shoved Tobi away from him with his right foot. “No, baka! We’re watching Avatar: the Last Airbender, un!” Tobi begin to cry. “No, I hate that show! It’s dumb!” Deidara looked at Tobi and stated, “Not as dumb as you are, un!” before jumping up and holding the remote high above his head. Suddenly, Sasori’s foot shot out from under the blanket, kicking Deidara at the base of his spine. “Give that masked nuisance the remote NOW!! I’ve read this same damn sentence FIVE TIMES, baka!” Deidara began to protest, but promptly found himself staring at the poisoned tip of one of Sasori’s needles.

Hidan could take it no longer. These fools! Did they not understand that they were all showing blatant disrespect to Jashin-sama?! “YOU FUCKING FOOLS!!! DO YOU NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE ALL FUCKING SHOWING BLATANT DISRESPECT TO JASHIN-SAMA?!” he thundered. Everyone stopped what they were doing, except for Tobi, who was happily flipping through the channels to find his favorite show. “Deidara! Make his happy fucking ass pay attention!” Hidan shouted, pointing at Tobi. The blond did what he was told.

Kakuzu and Kisame came into the room, having heard the Jashinist’s outburst from the kitchen. “Now that you are all paying attention, I will show you how to properly start your day. The morning prayer to Jashin-sama!” Hidan began the ritual. Everyone followed, except for Itachi. Hidan noticed and asked, “Itachi? Why in fucking Hell are you not doing the fucking morning prayer?” Kisame raised his hand. “What, Kisame?” Hidan questioned angrily. “Well, Hidan, sir, Itachi’s blind, so he can’t see what you’re doing.” Hidan looked from Kisame to Itachi, then back to Kisame. “Then go fucking help him, fucking moron!” he yelled.

Two days later, Pein and Konan returned to find everyone mutilated in the living room. “HIDAN!!!” he thundered. “WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?! EVERYONE’S BLEEDING TO DEATH!!!” Hidan smiled up at the leader. “I converted them!” he chirped. “DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT IS GOING TO TAKE TO FIX ALL THESE MORONS?!” Pein roared. “Not to mention the expense of the hospital bills,” Kakuzu added.

The Seventh Commandment

Thou shall not leave any strands of thy “lovely locks” in any drain.

The Akatsuki had, once again, fixed their base up. Tobi, Zetsu, Hidan, Kakuzu, Pein, and Konan were all out on missions. Loving the fact that he had a little off-time, Itachi decided to take a nice, long, steamy shower. His hair hadn’t been washed in ages, he felt. He shirked his clothes and wrapped himself in a big fluffy black towel. On his way to the shower, he met Deidara. “Itachi, I used the last of the Herbal Essences shampoo, but there should be another bottle under the sink, un,” he said upon passing the blind man.

Itachi went into the bathroom and fumbled around until he found the sink. “Of course, Crunchy has to become useless as well. That kitten is never around when I need him,” he grumbled, feeling around for a shampoo bottle. However, the first bottle his hand landed on was not shampoo. In fact, it was a bottle of The Works, a highly-dangerous drain cleaner. He turned the shower on, set the bottle on the ledge where they kept shampoo, and removed his towel.

The dark-haired man stepped into the spray of the shower and let the water drench his hair. He grabbed the bottle and poured some of the liquid in his hand. “This shampoo is a bit watery. I guess Deidara’s trying to play a prank on me. Oh, well, it’s just shampoo and water,” he mused, attempting to lather his hair.

After five or six lather-and-rinse cycles, Itachi decided it was time to get out of the shower. He would’ve gone for another cycle, but the water was beginning to run cold. Something furry brushed against his ankle as he stepped out. “Crunchy, if you’re going to help me take a shower, you have to be in here BEFORE I start the water, you stupid kitten!” he yelled.

In fact, the furry offender was not the blind man’s burnt seeing-eye turtle. It was a radioactive glob composed of Konan, Hidan, Deidara, Kakuzu, and Itachi’s hair. The glob followed Itachi out of the bathroom and began exploring the base. As it went, it picked up any random debris to add to its size.

Soon, the members who had been on missions came home to find Sasori, Deidara, Kisame, and Itachi standing outside the base. “What problems have you caused NOW, you morons?!” Pein thundered. Kakuzu added, “Please, begin with the financial tribulations.” The hairy glob came rolling out the door. Tobi immediately ran to it and hugged it. “Tobi will call you Fluffy! Can Tobi keep Fluffy, Leader-sama?” the masked man asked excitedly. “NO!!! WE’RE GOING TO DESTROY THAT MONSTROUS THING!!!” Pein roared, glaring at the four who had been left at the base.

Tobi threw himself on the ground and began to cry, “But Fluffy has a NAME! You can’t kill him, Leader-sama!” Pein ignored the nuisance and asked angrily, “Who is to blame THIS time?” All eyes immediately turned to Itachi, save for Tobi, who was still pitching a fit.

The Sixth Commandment

Thou shall not give Tobi any form of the following: sugar, glue, paint, noise-making devices, matches, or wrap. Also, thou shall not give Tobi any substance that may spill, stain, or otherwise make any form of mess or annoyance.

The morning sun was just peeking over the horizon. The sky was clear and beautifully tinted. Birds were singing their morning songs, providing the world with a wonderful soundtrack. However, deep inside the Akatsuki base, all was dark inside a certain masked man’s room. “Hehe!” came the unsuspected sinister voice. “They’ll all be gone today! The perfect chance to begin my evil plan!” A single sharingan eye glinted in the darkness.

A few minutes later, Tobi came bounding out of his room, only to crash into Zetsu. “Tobi is sorry, Zetsu-san! Tobi did not know you would be here, outside of Tobi’s room!” he exclaimed enthusiastically. “Yes, well, it seems I won’t be going out today, Tobi. Pein has…other plans,” the plant man replied, laughing and walking away. Under his breath, in that same sinister voice from the darkened room, Tobi muttered, “That pierced fool! Leaving that mutated piece of broccoli here to keep a watchful eye over me…Who does he think is running this operation? I’ll show him…”

Tobi followed Zetsu into the kitchen. He sat down at the table and watched as the Venus flytrap man rummaged through the refrigerator. “Hey, Zetsu-san? Tobi is hungry, too!” Zetsu looked up from the refrigerator. “What would you like me to do about it?” he growled. “Can Tobi have cake for breakfast?” the masked man asked excitedly. “Sure, whatever,” came the reply, slightly muffled by the refrigerator.

After he had hastily consumed two generous slices of chocolate cake with chocolate frosting, Tobi began to complain that he was bored. “Well, what would you like to do, you little freak?” asked Zetsu. “Tobi wants to do arts and crafts!” he exclaimed. Zetsu left the room and soon after returned with glue, scissors, paper, paint, popsicle sticks, and saran wrap. He placed the items on the kitchen table and told the masked nuisance, “That’ll keep you busy.” He then strode into the common room, plopped down on the couch, and turned on the television to his favorite show, One Bud To Blossom. It was a particularly emotional episode, and it was all Zetsu could do to keep from bawling like a baby as Lily watched her mother, Bromeliad, wilt in the nursery.

In the kitchen, Tobi busied himself making a giant ray gun. He began by gluing popsicle sticks together to form the frame. When that was finished, he covered his frame with the paper. He then painted his weapon black and red. “Ray guns really should be shiny,” he said to himself, and began wrapping it with the saran wrap. When he was finally finished, he stood back to admire his work. “That blonde, gender-confused fool’s bombs weren’t enough to destroy this band of idiots, but you, my beauty, will certainly get the job done,” he remarked in that sinister voice.

At that moment, Pein strode into the kitchen. “Hello, To—OH MY GODS!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO OUR KITCHEN, YOU IMBECILE?!” Tobi shrank back from the leader and looked around the kitchen. Globs of glue and paint were splashed all over the walls, ceiling, and floor. Popsicle sticks and bits of paper were lodged in many of the globs. Tattered pieces of saran wrap clung to the refrigerator, microwave, and stove like shiny ghosts. Tobi looked up at the pierced, orange-haired man and said weakly, “Tobi…made you a present, Leader-sama..?” The masked nuisance’s masterpiece chose that exact moment to fall apart as loudly and abruptly as possible.

“ZEEETSUUUU!!! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WATCH THIS LITTLE FREAK!!!” Pein shouted angrily. Zetsu came into the kitchen wiping his eyes. “What was so important that you couldn’t keep this from happening?” the leader asked, gesticulating at the wreck that was formerly the kitchen. Zetsu sniffed and said, “Well, it was the episode where Bromeliad, Lily’s mother, finally dies in the nursery and Tiger proposes to Rose, breaking Lily’s heart.” Pein simply glared at the Venus flytrap man.

The Fifth Commandment

Thou shall not use thy artwork to answer the door or telephone for any reason.

The Akatsuki had finally fixed the damage Deidara had done to their base. Everyone was gone, save for Sasori. Deidara was in Konohagakure running errands, and the other teams were all on missions. The puppet master was in the common room, enjoying the peace and quiet. Sasori was curled up on the couch under a black fleece blanket, reading his favorite book, “Puppets” by Daniel Hecht. A delivery order for a cheese pizza had been placed nearly thirty minutes ago, and the redhead’s attention could no longer be held by his book. His stomach roared and growled in anticipation of the steaming, melted cheese on top of the delicious tomato sauce and delectable dough.

Sasori was pulled from his pizza-riddled fantasies by the sharp ringing of the doorbell. He looked at the clock on the opposite wall. “Tch. Two minutes late. I’ll make that miserable, pathetic waste of skin pay for forcing me to wait,” he grumbled. The puppeteer raised his hands and took control of his latest puppet, which looked rather grotesque in its human-beetle form, with his chakra strings. Maneuvering the puppet towards the door, Sasori giggled inwardly. He could hear the door opening, as he commanded his artwork to do so. “Here is your piz—uwaaah!” came the cry of the delivery boy. He heard the box drop to the ground and the sound of running footsteps. The puppet picked up the pizza and brought it to the puppet master on command.

Just as Sasori was about to take the first bite of his prize, the phone began to ring. “What wretched fool has the gall to disturb me now?” he spat angrily. At his command, Hiruko answered the phone. A feminine voice seemed to pour out of the receiver. “How would you like to join my collection of puppets, dear?” he commanded the hunchback to question, malice dripping from every word. There was a loud click and the dial tone suddenly began pouring from the receiver. Hiruko placed the receiver back in its cradle, and immediately fell limp.

After Sasori finished his pizza, he decided to take a nap. Before retreating to his room, the redhead commanded several of his puppets to take care of any disturbances. He left Hiruko in charge of the group.

Meanwhile, all of Konoha was in an uproar. The delivery boy had run back to the restaurant screaming about a bug man. The telemarketer packed her things and left her desk hastily, all the while mumbling about not wanting to be a puppet. One mailman in particular was overheard screaming about a scorpion man. Deidara knew immediately his danna was up to something. The blond man hurriedly finished his errands and returned to the Akatsuki base.

Upon returning, the clay master headed straight for Sasori’s room. He burst in, unannounced. “Danna! What have you been doing, un?” the blond questioned angrily. Sasori opened his eyes half-way and gave Deidara a smirk. “Whatever do you mean? I haven’t done a thing,” he replied. Deidara glared at the puppet master. “I think you know what I mean, un,” he stated flatly. Sasori looked up at his partner with the best innocent face he could muster. “Dei-chan, I was only having a little fun,” he said, pretending to be hurt by the clay master’s accusations. Suddenly, Kakuzu and Pein appeared behind Deidara. “Sasori!” Pein shouted angrily. “Do you know what you’ve done? You’ve caused all of Konoha to be in an uproar!” “Not to mention the financial damage you’ve done to our account, what with the soon-to-be-filed lawsuits,” Kakuzu spat through gritted teeth. Pein glared at the puppet master. “One more mishap like this, and we’ll throw you to them, no questions asked!” he roared.

The Fourth Commandment

Thou shall not leave thy artwork lying around the hideout, strategically placed or otherwise. Also, thou shall not detonate said artwork inside the hideout at any time for any reason.

It was a rare Saturday morning for the Akatsuki. “Rare” meaning that no one had awakened to Pein standing over them, grinning like a madman and saying something about a mission. Everyone was relaxing in some way or another. Everyone except Deidara, that is. The skinny blond clay artist was running around the base, frantically searching for his works of art.

Deidara burst into Sasori’s room, unannounced. The puppet man had been hard at work on his favorite puppet, Hiruko. His back was to the door. As soon as the blond burst into the room, screws and a screwdriver went flying. “Danna! Sasori no Danna! I can’t find them! I can’t find them anywhere, un!” Sasori, without looking at him, growled, “Can’t find what, brat?” Deidara began to sweat. Obviously, his danna was not in the best of moods today. “M-my, um…My c-c-clay b-bombs, un,” he answered. Sasori turned around, glaring at his partner. “I do not have time to play ‘amateur hour’ with you today, Deidara-baka. I finally have a day to myself,” he said, through gritted teeth. Sasori began stalking toward the blond. “You see, those bombs you call ‘art’ are not worth my precious time. I am making true art, something that will last forever. Now get out of my room, or I’ll turn YOU into a work of art!” The redhead slammed his door in Deidara’s face. Deidara stood, stunned that his partner would be so crazy as to believe that art wasn’t a bang.

Suddenly, Tobi came running down the hall. The masked boy practically ran over Deidara, hastily calling over his shoulder, “Tobi is sorry, Sempai! Tobi must hide from Zetsu-san!” Deidara got up from the floor and began his search again. “I know they’re around here somewhere, un!” he muttered to himself. He began to run through the base frantically. The clay master ran by the bathroom, and froze mid-run. “Hehe! I know where I left one of them, un!” Deidara put his ear to the door and heard muffled cursing. “Oh, Hidan is in there, un. Perfect! This is called ‘payback,’ you overly-zealous Jashinist, un!” Deidara put the first two fingers of his right hand near his lips and whispered, “Katsu!” He ran like crazy, not wanting to be around when Hidan finally realized what had happened. Suddenly, an explosion went off in the bathroom, and Hidan began yelling every obscene word in history.

Deidara burst into a fit of laughter. “Payback is such fun, un!” Just then, Tobi came around the corner. “Why is Sempai laughing?” he asked. Deidara simply shook his head. “Well, then did Sempai find what he is looking for?” Tobi asked. Deidara looked up at the masked nuisance. “No, Tobi. I didn’t find my bombs. Well, except for that one ‘strategically placed’ bomb in the bathroom.” Tobi sat down beside the blond and thought. “Tobi has an idea!” he exclaimed finally. Deidara just stared. “Tobi thinks that Sempai should yell, ‘Katsu!’ as loud as he can. Then Sempai will find all of his bombs!” Deidara thought for a minute. “You’re right. Now, come with me, Tobi, un! You don’t want to be in the base when the bombs go off, un.”

Deidara and Tobi stood in front of the Akatsuki base. The blond man put the two fingers to his lips again, this time closing his eyes and concentrating. Suddenly, he yelled at the top of his lungs, “KAAAATSUUUU!!!” All of the bombs exploded at once, leaving the base in ruins. Tobi began jumping up and down, clapping his hands, and shouting, “Sempai found his bombs! Sempai found his bombs!” Suddenly, the rest of the Akatsuki yelled angrily, “DEEEIIIDAAARAAAAA!!!!” The blond began to sweat again and uttered a single word. “Oops!”