Right now I'm just feeling overwhelmed with these horribly sad feelings, and I need to get them down and out. I'm not even quite sure how to articulate what I'm feeling, so I apologize in advance if what you're about to read doesn't flow well together.
I get this feeling every once and awhile. Like, once a year. Usually it happens in the beginning few months of the year, not the end, so this is new for me.
I basically feel like I want to cry, which is weird if you know me at all. I can count on one hand the times I've ever cried in my life. I hate crying. I want nothing to do with it. But lately, I feel like it's this feeling bubbling in my chest that is trying so hard to get out. But I can't make it come out. There's nothing I can do to help it along. I watched this episode of a TV that always gets me. It makes me so sad to watch it. And I cried. And not just tears a tear slipping out. Like, I wanted to sob. But no matter how long I let myself do it, it didn't make me feel any better.
A part of the issue is that I feel so alone. The wonderful friends I thought I made in college are turning out to not be as great of friends as I thought. And I can't figure out if it just seems that way because I have such high standards?
But like my college roommate who I would have said was my best friend in the entire world is never really there when I need her to be. I started resenting her the day I was not in a very good place, and I could have really used her company. And she didn't come. But my friend who lives 3 hours away came even though she knew I wouldn't be able to hang out with her more than a couple of hours at the most. That just spoke volumes to me. And ever since then, I've just noticed I'm not her first choice anymore. She got married and her entire life revolves around the guy. Like, I get that when your friends get married, things change. But you shouldn't ditch your friends completely.
My best guy friend has gotten his own friend group outside of our college friend group and I barely see him anymore. I think since he moved into his own place, he's asked me once to hang out with me. I've had to initiate it all the other times. And that wasn't that often.
I am really good friends with a married couple, and they're great when I get to see them. They're nurses and really busy. And I get that. But they are moving in a year, and I guess that just depresses me because I see them the most of all my friends. WIthout them, I wouldn't really hang out with anyone on a consistent basis.
Another of my friends I made at a previous job. We've only actually known each other for a little less than a year. But I feel like we got really close in so short of a time. She left her job to come work with me at my current job. And as nice as she can be, I'm finding that her personality is more draining to me than anything. She is older than me, but she makes the worst possible decisions about life. And it's so frustrating for me to tell her how to navigate certain things and she never listens to me. So why ask? She's got depression, and I try to be understanding of that, but she is constantly putting herself down, and I struggle with my own self worth, and hearing her put herself down when she is everything I would love to have in a body or looks, it just makes me feel worse. And it puts those thoughts into my head. Like, I think that she doesn't look like that, but I'm sure I do. I know it's stupid of me, and I'm trying to change. Or like, I'm having a birthday party tomorrow, and I invited her two weeks ago and she said yes that she'd come to the dinner and laser tag afterwards. And I've been talking to her about all this week. Turns out she forgot I had invited her and thought I was just telling her about the stuff. So she wasn't even going to come. So I confirmed with her yesterday that she would indeed be able to go. And then today, she tells me she doesn't want to go to the dinner because her favorite hockey team is playing during the entire time we'll be out, and she wants to be able to watch part of the game. She is essentially telling me that this sports game that she could record and rewatch later or keep up with on her phone is more important than celebrating my birthday. She told me today to remind her about the laser tag, but I'm not. She can fucking come if she remembers. I'm just really hurt by it, and maybe I'm being to sensitive about it.
Add on to the fact that I'm just not happy with my body or my choices. I was called out by the friend I was just talking about on not practicing what I preach. Like I hate the guys she messes around with, and yet I'm still seeing Joe. I need to get my life together and figure out what I want to do.
Adding the whole election and hearing all these white, straight men bashing some of my friends. I've gotten into my more Facebook arguments in the last month than I have in my entire life. And my mom is telling me to keep my opinions to myself.
I just feel like I'm so angry all the time, and I have to pretend that I'm not. And I don't know how to keep doing that. I just feel like people are pushing me around and it's all these little, insignificant things that are building up and bothering me, and I have no idea how to let them out and make this better.
I've noticed lately that I've stopped caring about people. Like, I don't want to know their life stories. I hate chit chat. I want to be left alone when I'm at work. And i don't want to hang out with them after work. I want to go home and be by myself. Or I want to by with my actual friends. But I have no desire to get to know anyone else. And the times I do go out and hang with my coworkers or people I don't know super well, I'm just going through the motions.
I used to think it was such a good idea that I am so different from who I was in high school. But I'm starting to wonder if I was a better person then when I was naive and innocent. I feel like I've gotten hard and cold and apathetic. And that can never be good. But I don't know how to stop it from happening. I just keep pretending I give a damn about people and hope that things fall into place.
My absolute best friend is driving down here tonight and will be here this weekend, and I'm hoping it'll snap me out of this funk I'm in. Even if only for a couple days. Because then I just have to make it through two and a half days and then I have 4 days off of work, and it'll be great.
If you read that entire thing, kudos to you. IF you just skipped down to this part, that's fine, too. I love you all.
