that beats just in time to stop my breath, and let me rest, on the bed of nails you've made just for me. Can you see I ache to be, one of the things you finally see? I've given up on giving in. I've counted my odds, and will never win. But, I will go down with a swing. For I must go.

~quote by me~

Well, aside from the business and such, the going is..well...going....tough!, but going....-.-"

I have homework that isn't due until Friday, so I'm putting it off until tomorrow. I figure I deserve at least one night of rest before I crush my soul with the rest of the work that needs to be done....

And like I said, aside from that, things are rough, but going. My friends are still a bit on the edge of my nerves. I've been working so hard this week it's hard to really tell if it's my fault or theirs that they've been ignoring me. But this morning it was obvious. Let me describe it by what I wrote in my journal:

..." I find myself staring out at the parking lot while I write here, simply because I am too busy during and after school hours to see nature's fall splendors. I do enjoy the fresh air though, and if it weren't for my foot being in a cast, and my pounding and throbbing hands, I could dance about in joy and happiness at winter's fine approach. Winter comes so slowly here, it reminds me of rest and warm chocolate cocoa. I like those memories.
I also find myself a bit lacking in the social department. I keep avoiding people I don't know. Then again, that's always been my way. Especially when I know those people don't like me. I guess that's the price I pay for not dressing all fancy like the other girls, doing my hair, and ignoring my grades. I'd rather be smart and poor than rich and stupid. I guess that's all there is to it. But everytime I start thinking that's it, there's always more. Someone comes along with something new to bring me up or down. Like today, at lunch, a classmate I don't usually talk to outside of the classroom,(she is my science lab partner when we do experiments in class), came up and called me conceded because she said I acted like I knew everything. I couldn't help but feel down and hurt. I really did know most of the answers. And even though I could tell she was just jealous, it still hurt.
But that seems to be all people do to me lately; hurt. Like earlier, when my two friends and I sat together in the gym, waiting to be let in to our grade's hall so we could go to our lockers; they started up a great conversation on art and such (a topic I always love!) and every sentence I uttered was ignored, and they did not ONCE stop and let me talk, or listen. I felt like a fool standing there trying to get one pair of eyes to acknowledge me, so I just got real quiet.
I'm lucky that way I guess. When I'm sad, I just get quiet and no one asks a thing, which helps me hold in the tears. It also helps because when I do get talked to, my voice sounds real happy. I am good at faking that. It's about the only thing I can fake, but if you are a good friend, or sharp with your senses, you can hear a small drift in tone in my voice at the end of every sentence when I'm sad and faking it. You can also catch me (if your quick and perceptive) looking quickly down and letting my eyelids flutter softly half-closed before I jolt back up and pretend again.
But so far, no one knows this but me. Guess I just haven't gotten any REAL GOOD friends to see me yet. Then again, if they weren't trying so hard to make me feel even worse and more like a ball of nothingness, they may see it and learn it. But I'm complicated, so I guess I can understand why. I like a lot of people, and I hate a lot too (and I feel a little bad about that, considering the wrongness of the word and emotion, but it's true). I never really go too deep with the emotion LOVE, unless it's a family member I'm close to. Other than that, I stay closed off from most people, because that's just my way of staying safe. I've been hurt too much. Like how I don't see how so many friends can just drift away from you, fast or slow, and then when you meet, hate you or ignore you for reasons you'll never know or ask.
Kind of like my friends from last year, they hate me and I can tell, even though they don't show it. They don't like my company too much, or my conversation with them, so most of the time, I stay away. I like books, books never need to talk back to know what goes on in the heart or mind of their reader. They just feel it through the hand that hold them, and the eyes that skim them, they peer into the soul with their eyelessness and never analyze, even if they can. I guess that sounds pretty strange, but to me, it's true, and it's what I really believe. The same with my art implements. They steady every wave of emotion that overwhelms me. Sometimes, even when I don't work with them, I just want, and NEED to hold them; feel their firmness, and know and imagine what I can make with them. They feel like the only real things when I'm breaking.
I guess that's it for now dear journal, For I've taken up so much. My mind feels lighter, but not my heart. I'll just wait for my tomorrow to brighten, or dim. Whichever, it doesn't seem to matter, so long as I get done what needs to be.

~yours truly~Jenn~" <- My nickname (and no my name isn't Jennifer. It's Jennie, JUST Jennie, you can read it on my birth certificate! *hates the name Jennifer*..no offense Jennifers of the world, its just not my kind of name!)

...and there you have it.

...And since that was so long, and most of you probably haven't even made it this far, I'll go now~

~type laters~sparkles~

Life: 11/04/09 | Posted By: sparklingwave | 1 comment