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my fault

So this is what it all comes down too.
It’s my fault.
But I can’t help but feel that I’m being abandoned.
The guilt and shame press down on me
And the harsh indents they leave on my skin
Strike deeper than you think.
It’s anger. It’s hatred.
It’s my fault.
But now I don’t know what to do.
There’s no way you could know how much this meant to me.
And there’s no way I’m letting go, with or without you.
I wish I hadn’t given reason for your faith in me to disappear.
And I wish you weren’t doing this,
thinking it was going to make this easier for me.
It’s all my fault.

worthless to you

The walls pull me closer
And my imperfect face sits in shadows.
I’d rather it be there
Than have you have to see.
Because I don’t want you to see.
I’ve dragged my heart across the floor where I’ve stepped
And my eyes will show you my unhappiness
And my clothes are stained with hasty mistakes
And my hands are coarse from work
That no one sees the effects of.
The songs I sung were never heard
The books I read bear no memory of my desperate
Need for solace in the syntax.
Our conversation melted away with the weeks since it passed
My lips now parched from the lack of spoken comfort.
My limbs are swelled from the lack of sleep
And the weight of this heavy despair that sinks deeper than my soul.
My failure apparent, my putrid reflection visible,
I don’t want you to see me. This worthless me.

maybe it was the rain

Maybe it was the rain
The grey rain that fell and coated our cold earth
as I tried to smile, but slipped to the ground
Falling, crying.
But it soaked away with the light.
The somber sun’s appearance cleared the empty air.
And now these clouds still inside me can’t find it within themselves
To pour out their pain into these days that follow.
Maybe it was just my insecurities
or maybe it was the rain.

I am nothing

I am nothing
Feeling so much.
Drawing my arms around myself
Some sort of collapsing clutch on my numb skin.
dreams lost in a rush of naivety
fell away and left me standing
Soaked through my shaking soul.
pushing through the sunlight
Careful to keep the pink, raw hurt
Covered from the blaze
waiting to submerse again.
Left without words to explain again, your
Expectations collide before
I can prepare for the impact
And probing hands clasp my insecurity.
I must be wrong to feel
These tears on my skin.

90 mph

Someone told me once that no one survives car accidents
That happen at 90 miles an hour.
No worries. I’m me. Goody two-shoes me.
I drive 72.
Today, free of distraction
No friends
No music
Windows closed tight and road clear of drivers
I consciously drove 90, by no mistake.
There was no thrill- that’s not what I was searching for.
No peace or freedom.
Just me. Driving 90. Because
Someone once told me that no one survives car accidents
That happen at 90 miles an hour.