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I'm Shen. Nice to meet you.

Occupation: Computer and Electrical Engineering Student
Work: IEOP teacher (I teach foreigners how to speak english...not good)
I don't know what else you want to know?

If you need help at all, I'd be happy to help. I know a lot about programming and overall how this works, considering I've been here for years and I'm going to school for computer engineering. So, I hope you enjoy your stay and that I don't offend you.

I was weak. Thats why I needed you...needed someone to punish me for my sins...but thats all over now...I know the truth.
-James Sunderland: Silent Hill 2

Job Hunting


Computer Engineering degree and now I have to job hunt. I accidentally applied for a job in the UK so that was fun. Hopefully they don't want to offer the position to me or offer an interview unless its some good pay so I can come back to the states four times a year. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Spring, and the 4th. Yeah I've thought about it.


Ready for a long post? Thought so

I have officially graduated with a degree in computer engineering from college. The journey to finding a job starts when I get over my insecurities. See, I really wanted this job at IBM in Ohio. I went through four interviews, got encouraged by one of the interviewers, and really enjoyed the area. I didn't get the job. Ever since I really don't know if its even worth the hassle of trying.

Its a weird insecurity to have, but its there none the less. Its unfortunate.

I know I started this pretty close to the end of middle school, and its actually really funny to look back at my life since then. I do know I found out I have a genetic disorder in my eyes that will make me lose my peripheral vision. I also found out I am a sociopath. I am not a killer though. Its actually really mild. I feel anger, I feel happiness, and I feel grief. I don't feel sadness, I don't feel anxiety. Most of the complex emotions are lost on me.

I don't know if I ever admitted that I am also asexual. I may have to go back and see if I ever said anything around the time I found out. All the way back in the myo days.

What else? I'm not with anyone and that's just fine. I think that the last post was about Charlie dying, so I don't need to update about that. Martha is in the hospice now, and my cousin just graduated high school. I just really think I need to focus on smaller things as I try to make a life. Hopefully I follow thru now that I don't have a emotional compromise.

Scared and Depressed

I'm not really depressed, but I am in a grief state. It seems that this is where I come to when I am having these kinds of issues. I am still scared about where the world will take me. Will I end up in New York City? Back in Omaha? Stay in Ames? Its all up in the air and it terrifies me. On top of that, a makeshift grandmother of mine is in a nursing home and having memory issues. I don't know how much longer she is going to last.

I am also quite bored of being at my parents home and am ready to go to my own home. I really just want to be on my own and do what I want when I want. I have gotten so much freedom from being on my own I just need to be an adult. More later since I am bored and I no longer wish to talk.

College is killer

So now that it has been over a year since I last updated, I think its about time to start again. I am currently in my very last year of college, and it is time for job hunting. Oh the terror.

I really am quite terrified that I won't find a full time job by the end of my schooling. One of the companies I am looking at is all the way in New York. Like in the middle of Manhattan. Its really terrifying that I might be going all the way out there. I will be away from my family and my personal comfort area. I'll be out of the midwest.

I don't know how well I'll handle it. It is a very scary and exciting time for me, and I'll try to keep track of everything here. If I don't, I am more than likely to forget.

Why all this misguidance?

I've been thinking about faith and religion a lot lately. It started when someone I was interested in told me he was a devote christian and didn't know if he could date me since I am an Atheist. I completely understand that and when I told him I did he was shocked. This confused me and has led me to look into why he would possibly be shocked and what faith and religion really should be.

I've been a part of three churches, each a different christian denomination. The first Lutheran, the second evangelical, and the third Methodist. This means that I have read the bible more than once, and I have heard different interpretations of it, so I can successfully say I can hold a good argument in terms of Christianity. Having said that, I have also made it a point in my life to study other religions in case I found that I could believe in them when I no longer liked the idea of Christianity. To make a long story short, I understand many different religions and can have a very informed discussion of the pros and cons of each.

Now, I have been rereading a webcomic called something Positive, and I have always enjoyed it. While I have been thinking about the reason people are the way they are when it comes to religion, I found the story arc that touches on exactly what I was thinking. The best part of the arc is at the end, Fred is talking to some young adults about he takes offense to being told christians are all crazy and are mean to everyone they try to convert. The guys were shocked and told Fred they were surprised because every christian they had ever met tried to tell the young men they were better. The scene ends with Fred crying and praying by his bedside.

This sparked in me that its true. As I'm growing older I notice that those who are trying to spread the word of god are those who think they are better than those who don't. I've also noticed that the Atheists I know try to get others to be depressed sacks of meat. Atheism is one of the worst in my book because it is just so depressing. Even if you go to hell, you still exist in some fashion. As an atheist you are just done when you are dead. There isn't anymore. That is why I try not to convert people. If it makes them happy to believe in God, they should believe with all they have.

I understand that Christians want to convert others so that these other people could be saved and go to heaven, but isn't the very fact that they are trying to convert people with scare tactics and by preaching just false? Don't they know that scaring someone into believing isn't true belief? Why even want someone to be unhappy because they are doing something they didn't choose on their own?

I remember what it felt like to truly believe in a higher power. It was powerful and made me extremely happy. I think it would detract from that feeling if someone joined a religion for reasons that weren't that they just believed. This doesn't only apply for Christianity. Muslims have that feeling as well. It was a fascinating discussion I had with some Muslim friends of mine when they were surprised that you can achieve that same happiness that they could with their religion. They truly felt connected with Allah while they were praying to Mecca and that they were whole. I have Buddhist and Hindu friends, and I even have Wicca and friends who mix and match because they see the need for somethings, but not all.

So his shock started to make sense. He was expecting that I would tell him that Christianity was stupid and these are the reasons. In actuality, I'm hoping I refind that faith I used to have, because it truly was a miraculous feeling. Religion is such a part of who we are as human beings, its like out sexuality, our idea of who we are, part of our identity. Shouldn't that mean that not all of us will be the exact same, just like how we are all individuals? Why should we all be the same religion? It would make it so there was no diversity, no need for discussion, we would all just accept like and sheep and not question to be anything else.

The world needs diversity, and unfortunately, that probably means that blood will never stop flowing out onto the ground.