[THIS IS A RANT/THOUGHT POST, SO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO TURN BACK ^^]
No, it is not an emo post...at least I don't think anyway....
and hiya everyone(before I begin)~
I just finished reading Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne by Arine Tanemura. It inspired me to get back into my original style...because now that I think about it for some reason, I don't think I've found my style yet. There's so many styles I want to do and that I think I might be capable of, but I just haven't discovered which.
That's besides the point though...
I had a bit of an argument with my dad. Already. And it's only been a week since he arrived.
I was reading Ima-chan's quiz thing, about the questions concering beliefs...and it really made me think.
If I had to make my own version of that section and answer them, this is probably what I'd put:
Do you believe in...
-Yourself: I try, but sometimes it's really hard.
-Friends: I got hurt once. But Innocent-chan told me that someone once said that people are too busy looking at closed doors to notice the open ones before them. And I realized that I've really seen the light shining in you guys. Even if you barely talk to me, or just visit once awhile, thank you guys for having a role in my life as my friends ^^ Just know that even if my family may not trust you, you guys have kept me really strong and I believe in you all with all my heart! ^^
-Family: I've really asked myself this question a lot. I always tell myself and others that I do, but there is always a point where a person isn't sure.
In fact, it's probably been my family that's hurt me more than any other person in the world. They've also helped me through the worst as well. I just wonder if I've helped them enough in return.
-God: Hm. I really don't like it when people ask me this question because I really don't know ^^; I believe that everyone has a right to believe in what they believe or not, and they have just as much right to voice that opinion no matter who they are. I personally believe that God is just as probable to exist as not to exist, but I'll leave that up to the spirits up above(because something tells me, God does exist)
What...
-Feelings do you not want to feel the most: Everyone doesn't want to feel sadness, regret, rejection, loneliness and heartbreak along with other things, but it can't be helped. We all live in fear of feeling these emotions but somehow we get through. There is no feeling that I do not want to feel the most, because really we all will feel them, but if there's any that's hurt me the most in my life it's been guilt.
-Feelings do you wish to feel: Satisfaction, Confidence, and Trust. I feel like I'm one of those people that see the bottle half empty..but sometimes I'm the one that sees it half full. I just wish I knew how to fill the bottle first ^^:
My father and I get into arguments. He hates them, and sometimes doesn't even want to admit them...and I don't want to either.
I don't know if I've ever told you guys this, but I'm really hard on myself as a person...I don't know what it is either. Because people always tell me "you shouldn't be so nice, it's not your fault" or "have a bit more faith in yourself, it doesn't have anything to do with you", I feel like I should do just that. Put it on other people...but I just can't do it, I feel so guilty all of the time.
My dad said he wanted to study 2-3 hours everyday for the next days until school begins...and I told him that would be too much Chemistry for me. He said "why is that too much? If I were you, I'd actually APPRECIATE that someone is trying to teach you because it's a privelege to learn!" But the truth was that I didn't want to get into another argument because of the stress it puts on me to work so hard.
I told him that and he said "you're afraid of getting into an argument?? What argument?! And why does your voice always change whenever I talk to you?! Why can't you just do what I say to do and not get so mad!"
I was just SO sad and for the first time I actually cursed out loud to myself because I was crying and saying I wasn't mad, but I knew he wouldn't believe me.
I was misunderstood again...I hate it SO much, no one hears me. I really wish that they would but they just don't. You guys are probably the only people that have heard me and that's why I trust you all so much!
Last time we argued after I had studied for 3 hours, I said I was tired and I kept making mistakes. He said "well maybe you're just making mistakes because my english is bad" AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT. So I felt guilty for him accusing himself over mistakes I was making...I SHOULD have been getting it! But people tell me that I shouldn't be saying that...
My dad says I need to appreciate him and the rest of the family more. And he always gets upset in the fact that I don't. The only problem is I DO appreciate them, I just don't know how...
But anyway, this is probably the largest rant post I've ever written xD This was just to let you all in to a deeper space in my mind, and tell you all how much you guys really mean to me ^^ Thank you all for being there, and if you read this, you have no idea what you've just done for me ^^
