Feeling like I did something wrong.
Or being mean.
Which IS wrong. But some people would say that I'm not being mean when I think I am sometimes?
OTL This is why I feel like I could never be a leader figure for anything..because people think it's so out of my character that I'm at the forefront, that they think I'm being mean or too overly serious when I try to keep to something for a group or event. And maybe I'm just not FIT to be a leader, even though I want to be a good one that everyone will like and be proud of...myself included. =/
It just makes me WANT to be angry...but I don't REALLY want to be angry. Does that make sense?
It's like..I want to feel angry about it and perhaps lash out a bit or say something totally unlike me but at the same time I don't want to because I don't want to hurt someone and I know it's wrong.
This might sound really ridiculous, but I don't know how else to do things besides be who I am...
I just really really don't like it when people say I'm too overly defensive/serious/uptight/unable to be funny...and maybe it's true but I can't say anything back when someone says those kinds of things to me because I don't want to hurt them or make it seem like I'm trying to lash out on them.
It doesn't make sense...if I try to keep something in order, like restating something I've previously said or trying to get everyone to focus on the subject when there's little time left to be together, it always comes back to hit me in the face as "my gosh, I'm REALLY sorry...GEEZ you don't have to be so uptight about it".
I've been told to embrace myself and my qualities more, but I don't know how I could do that especially in regards to this whole being too serious thing when so many people don't like that about me...it just makes me feel like I'm an awful person and I want to change that aspect when I can't.
Even on the internet, I often get it and it just makes me so sad. One of my biggest fears is hurting other people, especially emotionally, and this is why I often don't say much when I feel strongly about something, because it's often taken as "why are you being so serious about this?" or "GEEZ, calm down, gosh I'm sorry." or "well fine, but really, what's your problem??" or they say any of the previously mentioned phrases and then just back out of the whole thing and are just like "well my word I'm SORRY, maybe I'm not cut out for this. I'm out.".
Like..I really just want someone to tell me what I'm doing wrong? I try to be sociable..but of course, that's all in my own mind I guess. I don't want to hurt anyone...even though sometimes I REALLY feel like lashing out or venting about something, I try not to because I know people would think it's "too unlike me" and I'd HATE to hurt someone emotionally in any way at all.
I mean yeah, maybe I should just let everyone run amok so I won't get whacked in the face for being "too serious about keeping things in order". Maybe I should just laugh at EVERYTHING, even when I don't mean it.
I just don't know what to do... and it's just horribly frustrating because I can't seem to shake it. T__T
This rant is REALLY random, sorry T__T but it just came up after some things lately...
It's also a REALLY REALLY selfish post, and I apologize for that so much. I'm so so sorry.
I'll put up a happier post tomorrow to celebrate Thanksgiving~
I'm sorry to be such a downer the day before the holidays >.< Please forgive me!
Take care everyone~