- Created By CipherPol
Fit in
Harsh blue light from the neighbor’s annoying security lamp filtered through gauzy curtains in the bedroom window. She lay awake in the bed clutching his cell phone aching for a reply. with each passing moment, the dread worsened. Her fingers trembled, her body shook, her eyes stung. A dull pain settled in her cheeks - a casualty of the facade. Without meaning to, her mind went to her senior year of high school. To a story she’d read in literature whose main character was the empty shell of a woman. She camouflaged her void with other people’s opinions. She was clay molded by the grip of other’s opinions. She squeezed her eyes shut trying to block out the story, but the reality became even more apparent as the thought steeped. She realized she hadn’t been breathing at the first gasping sob. She choked on it trying to hold it back, knowing letting loose would only bring more pain.
The phone buzzed in her hand. She squinted at the screen and, feeling acknowledged, put away the truth for one more night.
Lavender and Cypress
[NOVERMBER 2076]
I lived in a small town called Whittleton. It was on the coast of new Virginia and it was what city folk would probably call a pitiful or cheap attempt at hicks havin’ religion. What we had, though, wash’t anything like faith. Here, we relied on mama nature for what we needed instead of the artificial and manufactured. It wasn’t ideal, but our mama’s and pop’s mamas and pops made their choices, sowed their seeds and now we’re dirt poor and stuck in our ways. I can’t say I love it here one hundred percent, but I think even if I’d been born when the choices were being made, I’d’ve went with mama nature.
A few hours out of Whittleton, there was a city: Helix. Big daggers of buildings raked into the skies and people swarmed like bees in a hive, running through them streets on enhancement-chips and nano-tech like some sort of messed up clockwork. It sent shivers down my spine just thinking about them brainwashed creatures. I’d say poor souls if I didn’t already damn them to hell. My momma taught me not to contradict. Yet, in November, 2076, something unusual happened in our small town.
Two city kids moved in. Packed up from home, had enough I suppose, got in their horrible fume-ridden carriage and landed here, right on Hayte street, at the corner of Clerk. They didn’t belong here, you could tell from the bone white linen on their backs, pressed flat with sharp creases and not a speck of grime or grease, walking around with high-held chins as if the rest of us smelled like chow shit. The joke was on them, though. We didn’t have cows in Whittleton - far from it. This town was plant based. Where other retrolands raised their animals, killed, gave thanks, and ate, here we simply reaped what we managed to sow. Two different forms of a naturalism whose differences usually held no meaning for those raised outside of it all.
I decided, early on, that these two strangers were not worth my own time. No sir, I was too busy to stick my nose in the affairs of outsiders. Call me closed-minded, but I didn’t know much better. They left mama nature, I thought. Then crawled back when gadgets and novelties didn’t satisfy. It didn’t make sense - or at least, it didn’t at the time.
Usually, on my way back from a grocery run for Old Ms. Criv, I’d see the little Hayte boy scuffin’ his way home through the dirt and mud after runnin’ round the way kids liked to outside while I hauled sacks of flour and sugar. He’d have a grin stuck on his pale little face. The kid couldn’t be more’n eleven - little Nilly Hertkorn’s age. Sometimes he’d catch me starin’ and that stupid grin would flash on over my way. Sometimes, I’d notice myself smiling meekly back, embarrassed, almost, of my bare feet and near nakedness.
Even covered in mud, he still dressed like the kids they show you on screens. The kids that belonged to the nuclear families plastered to peeling billboards and faded advertisements that lingered from the past. He was clean and I was not. All I wore were jeans. In the heat of Virginia, even in winter, shirts and shoes were just sometimes too much. Maybe in cities people don’t have this heat tanks to their carefully maintained temperatures - but out here sweat was real and it was a nuisance.
That little boy bothers me. I don’t have no good feelings for city people in general but everything about him just twisted my arm into smiling back. I wouldn’t have admitted it to anyone, though. Especially not anyone here. People in retrolands, all of us, we scoff at their sensitivity. I see that little boy sweat but he never takes off that one hundred percent polyester heat trap. Good thing too, pale skin like that’d burn right off. The thought was almost funny.
The laugh wore off, when, one day I found myself mullin’ over that poor little squirt having no good choice. Take of the shirt: burn like toast; leave it on: cook like a roast. The rhyme was stupid, i scoffed at it, but it still made me feel a little sorry. That lil’ kid, just wantin’ to run around outside with all those other littles - it just didn’t seem right to me. Another part of my hick brain thought he should just burn a few times and be over with it. That’s what I did when I was a little. Its what we all did out here. Then again, I looked at my own brown arm and knew it was irrational for me to expect years of ground in color to set in after only a few burns. Still, I told my self, don’t matter cause he was just a little city mite. He and his haughty brother wouldn’t last long out here, burnt or not.
I huffed out my breath a lot on those days, trying to get my mind off Whittleton’s two strangers. I wondered why they’d pack up and leave their strange home. What did we have to offer? Dirt? Mud? A lot of Rain? A chicken here or there that nobody ever ate since none of us was sure whose it was? I figured, even with my stupid brain that there must’ve been some sort of reason. Something big, it had to be, since as much as I wouldn’t wanna move into the city, I figured city folk wouldn’t wanna move here. Hours would passed. My shadow ended up going all around in a semicircle and by the time it was flying’ out right toward east, I’d picked almost the whole of the Liddle’s tomato field.
The Liddle’s were my neighbors way down the road. Neighbor was a word we used loosely in Whittleton. He didn’t live next door, but he lived way down on the same street, so to me he was still just another neighbor. They had a daughter though, Taylor. She had eyes like a Rose of Sharon and sometimes she’d come out and help me with the picking. After, I take her home. Beth Halloway always said Me n’ Taylor Liddle were gonna get hitched and have ten kids and then move to Exley. I didn’t want ten kids, though, and I didn’t want Taylor Liddle, but the pickings in a small retroland were next to nothing so I resigned my self to kissin’ that girl in the fields and getting fresh now and again. It was hardly love, but it was something.
On my way home, sometimes I’d pass the Hayte house. Sometimes Taylor would be with me, other times not. Usually though, that little Hayte boy would be there, on the porch playing some game or another, watching like a curious animal as I’d pass. His cheeks were stained pink from the sun and I laughed every time I saw him.
In the mornings, I got up at four, went into my own field, and picked my plants: cone flower for coughs, rosemary for Criv’s batty mind, borate and clover - all of it was mine to pick and I did, just the way my momma used to. Bethy Halloway called me Whittleton’s Witch Doctor and sometimes it seemed true. I’d sell her my mixes for the pharmacy and she’d give me cash - fair enough.
When I wasn’t stealin’ honey, mashin’ flowers, picking fields or chasing chickens, I went to school. An hour away by bike, there was a small college and that’s where I’d go every Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday. All whittle ton kids went to school, but I was the only one to go to college. Most of them don’t bother, but not me. I go and I study and I stuff as much into my hick brain as possible. The older Hayte boy went there too, but i usually didn’t see him. Maybe, since it was close to december, he’d be gone by the next semester and I would never have to, I thought.
That’s how my fall and my winter went buy in November, 2076. Me walking bare foot and bare chested to the store and hauling back flour and all sorts for Mrs Criv, sweating in the field and hunting for flowers like some grade school girl and all the while being squinted at by that little one on the Hayte house's porch.
[[[ repost for other purposes ]]]
October 16, 2078
The distance between my body and the ground is making my head spin. Wind eddies the crumpled autumn leaves and makes the tall grass into children, playing endless games of whisper down the lane that I was not invited to join. That was me, outside the loop - lost. I wouldn't be able to keep up anyway. Maybe I could have seven months ago, now I don't even want to play along. Not without you. Though, standing here, alone with the breeze at my back, I'm going to find you in that place you left to. I forget the rustling and hissing and those crumpled autumn leaves and I take a deep breath.
The air is cold in my lungs and I hold it in. I want to pretend that this pressure will fill the cracks and spaces you once filled. I can't, though. I've tried that before, you know. It never works.
The air smells like lavender. Do you remember lavender? No, probably not. Lavender isn't something you care about now, is it? There must be other things on your mind - things I can't begin to imagine. But I Remember the lavender enough for the both of us, so it's ok. I want to smile and be happy, for you. Would you smile if you were in my shoes? Do you still wear shoes up there? I think you would.
Wind blusters behind me, rushing. I got you waiting; I got my favorite smell swirling in my nose, and I got my friend mama nature. You'd like her I think, if you let yourself. But I guess that's not enough. When I lick my lips, you know how i do that when I get nervous, I taste salt. I'm crying I guess. But maybe they're happy tears. I haven't cried in three months. Maybe my tears are hoping for your lips to kiss them away like you used to.
I look down again and the black that I see looks like a cushion. I can sleep there and not think about the ache that wakes me up every night - that weighs me down every morning and that stays throughout the day. I won't have that ache anymore because I won't need it. I can't ache for something if I've got it. If i do this, we'll be together again.
I hold out my arms and stretch out my fingers. I could touch the sky! Can you feel it? Are you holding on to my hands? I hope so. I'm still a little scared. Like when we went back into the lavender together that first time. I was scared then, and you were too, you told me. But we were both excited. So excited we rushed through the rest of life like birds on a swell of hot air. I don't wanna rush now. I don't wanna keep you waiting, love, but I'm leaving my home too. Like you did. But you didn't get any time like this so I'm gonna take time for you too. I close my eyes like you never liked me to, and I even think up a prayer.
And when i open my eyes I'm not scared at all. I just want you and I'm gonna see you soon, I promise. All I gotta do is take a step, that's quick enough. Mama nature will do the rest.
…
November 16, 2077
They told me people from Helix City and all her sisters were no good. They said they don't like mama nature or any of her babies like we do. So right off the bat, I didn't want nothing to do with those new people in the house on the corner of Hayte and Lowell. My town was too nice a place for city people. Too much to appreciate for their dried up, technology dependent brains. They walked around with their noses held high like the rest of us smelled like cow shit. Ain't no cows in Wittleton, so I don't know what the issue is. There are just a couple 'a chickens scattered about but they don't belong to nobody.
So I ignore the two of em as best as I can. They ain't worth my time. City people choose to leave behind mama nature so why are they coming back where they ain't welcome? I often shake my head just thinking about it. Today I see the little one when I was walkin' home from the store. He stares at my feet, bare just like my top half, and he squints his eyes like he was thinking hard but whenever he caught my eye he'd grin real big, teeth and everything. I didn't grin back though. I don't have no good feelings for city people.
I went to school like everybody else in Whittleton, but unlike all my friends, I go to college now too. I pay for it myself and its not easy but just because i'm a rural guy don't mean I shouldn't make something for myself outta this life I was given. My school is just outside Helix, close enough to the city for me to feel uncomfortable and code enough to home that I can bike there in two hours. Nobody else bikes to college because they all live in Helix and they probably don't even know how to ride bikes. I'm the only hick in college so I don't talk to anybody. I just go for class, learn as much as I can tuff in my hick brain and then I go home and go to work. After work I sleep for five hours and I start all over again. Right now I'm taking chemistry and I'm not doing too bad.
It'll be December soon and thats the end of my semester. I'm excited I guess, because in the summer i can spend more time being Wittleton's Witch Doctor. That's the stupid nickname my friend Beth gave me because since Middle School, I've been the guy that mushes up all the different plants in Wittleton and gives em out as fixes to peoples headaches and stomach troubles and stress cramps and all that stuff. It's not that difficult. just chew something new every time somehing hurts and eventually something works.
Bethy runs her momma's shop so i give her my mushed up plants and she gives me cash. and when I'm not smashing cone flowers or stealing honey or chasing chickens, I'm working in my neighbor' field. He grows all sorts for the city people and picking aint a bad job. plus his daughters got eyes like rose of sharon petals and sometimes she comes out and helps me so that after I can take her home and she makes me dinner and stays over after. Her names Taylor. Bethy says me and Taylor are getting married and having ten babies, but I don't want ten babies and i don't want Taylor Liddle but there aint much else to go for. Bethy is my best friend, and I don't think I'd ever let her stay over because her and I are more like siblings.
That's how the whole summer went buy. Me walking bare foot and bare chested to the store and hauling back flour and all sorts for Mrs Criv, sweating in the field and hunting for flowers like some grade school girl and all the while being squinted at by that little one on the Hayte House's porch.
…
January, 2077
Ethics. I saw the Hayte boy first in ethics class when August rolled around. He sat in his desk lazily, eyes drooping during the lecture and flicking back open every few minutes. Just like a city guy to waste money on a class he's just going to sleep in. I watch him rhythmically doze and snap back, like a pattern. I almost find it amusing but then I remember I don't like city people so i just look back at the tech screen and pretend he doesn't exist.
When the class is over, i grab my bag and head outside. I had to walk today because Bethy needed my bike for hauling today and i don't wanna ask for it back till she's done with it. When i get outside, I unbutton my shirt and let it hang on my shoulders, fluttering in the breeze from the megarail trains. It's a long walk back to Wittleton. I here a car behind me and turn to see a dusty grey chrysler fly past. There goes the Hayte boy, on his way home, choking he earth with his fumes and noise as he went.
I just keep walking.
…
August, 2077
Cone flower oil and Rose. The little Hayte boy has a cold. Too baad he ain't come to me yet but I hear his hacking from the sidewalk. Im caring fifty pounds of sugar on my shoulder and haven't got the time to find any seeds, but if I get a minute, I suppose it would be the right thing to do. He's been coughing up a lung for days. It's annoying me.
I drop of the sugar quick and head hime. Cone oil and rose. Mortar and Pestal. Boil the syrup and mix it in water. Honey for taste. Leave it on the door with a tag. "Little Hayte Boy, Get well soon."
It was just a courtesy. I didn't expect anything back. But the next morning, I step outside to leave for school and theres a note on my step. "I'll give you a ride. See you at 9." I scoff a little because I don't need favors from city boys but It's 4 am and Taylor stayed late last night. I'm tired. So i go back to sleep and set my alarm for 8:30.
I'm on my step waiting when the dusty grey chrysler rolls up. The passenger window rolls down and sure enough, theres Hayte boy. He just looks at me, real serious. Doesn't even smile or wave or anything. So I get in the car other wise I'll be late. Its awkward. I can tell he doesn't know what to say so I just do the common courtesy thing and introduce myself.
"My name is Chase, in case you were wondering. Tell me yours, unless you want me calling you Hayte Boy for the rest of my life."
Rude, but effective I suppose.
I see hm glance at me out the corner of his eye and i feel suddenly embarrased that he's in real nice city clothes and the only thing I got on is my old jeans and a pair of work boots. Too hot for a shirt today. "Aden." He said. Didn't say nothing else. No thank you, how are you, or any other such small talk. He's just Aden and that's that. I noticed, though, that he said his name funny. Like he didn't live here is whole life. I mean here as in The United States, not just Wittleton, Virginia. So I told him so.
"I'm from the UK." came his curt reply. Well that ain't gonna do for me because the UK is almost as broad a term as just saying "Soft Serve." When answering the question, "What flavor is the best ice cream?" I myself like strawberry banana but that's beside the point.
He probably thinks that I'm dumb just because I'm not a City person and because I talk like I'm trying to murder all my grade school english teachers, but oh well. This is how I was taught by Ms. Criv and so this is how I talk. Ain't my fault. Ms Criv is from Louisiana so I probably sound different than all the other people in Wittleton too. I visited Louisiana with Ms. Criv once. I don't sound any different there.
So i just lean on his car hoping I left a big old dirt mark because I've got dirt on me from picking this morning but I showered after Taylor left because I'm not a fan of her sweat sticking to me so I gotta wash it all off before I do anything else.
The car ride only lasts half an hour and we don't say nothing more'n our names and him being from the UK and all. So after he got all quiet, I just look at him, even when we are in class. I don't know if I was hoping to burn a hole in his head or just trying to make him squirm. Neither happens. I just kept staring and manage to realize he's a very handsome man. Still a nature hating, rude, car driving city guy, but at least he looked good while hating nature, being rude, driving his car, and probably doing any other mundane task we Wittleton people made look ugly and boring like writing, reading, and walking.
I'm expecting to have to walk home. I figure that if the ride to class was a thanks for the coneflower drink, I'll only get one because I only gave one. But I only get a few minutes down the road when the dusty grey chrysler stops right next to me and the door opens from inside. So I look in and he is still bent over the seat I'd refer to as mine after pushing open my door. He's real quick to sit back up and I get in the car and we drive home in silence. Well, silence until we are ten minutes from Wittleton and he asks, none too politely for me to stop staring at him.
"No." I answer, "I've seen this road a million times but I've only just seen you this morning."
He doesn't answer. When he pulls up to my house, I get out of the car but he doesn't drive off right away so I ask him if he wants to stop in and get some more cone flower for his brother. He thinks on it for a minute, then turns off his car, which surprises me. I didn't think he would.
I let him in the house and wonder if the strong smell of herbs and wild flowers is pleasant or not to people that aren't me. He doesn't grimace so I guess pleasant. I gesture to a chair in the kitchen and he sits. On the table I place four fresh Echinacea flowers, rose petals, and a mortar and pestal. I lay out the same for me. I start pinching the petals of the cone flowers and crinkling the dried rose into dust. mash it all together for a bit nd then add more. He seems to get it and does the same. His work is acceptable. Not as quick as mine but I've been doing it for nearly ten years so that's fine. I Grab a water bottle and drip some into with the flower mash and then a drop of honey and he does the same.
I show him how to boil it, add water, then more honey and he does it on his own. And then i give him a jar to keep it in and pour mine out into two glasses over ice. It don't look pretty, but i hand him a glass and I tip my head back and finish mine in a gulp and I watch him do the same.
"No cold if you drink Echinacea."
He looks at me with serious eyes and asks a question that throws me off. "Will you teach me more?"
I must look as if someone gave me a very bad birthday present, surprised and unsure of what to say all at the same time but also grateful because hey, someone bought you a birthday present.
"If you want." I say, "But you don't have to learn. If you ever need anything, just ask. Me or Beth Halloway will have something for you."
He shakes his head. "No, I want you to show me."
I shrug. "I work a lot In Taylor's field. If I ain't in class, ain't in the field, ain't walking down and back to get Ms. Criv her groceries you can come over and We'll pick and I'll show you what's what."
He, well I guess I should get to calling him by his name, Aden nods and for the first time I see the slightest telltale sign of a smile on his city lips.
…
December 30, 2077
"That one's Borage and that's for the girls when they're having a visit and good for colds to, but the cone flowers are better."
Aden and I have taken to walking back behind my house and picking on some mornings when he offers to drive me to class. He's nice when you get past the city parts but he still doesn't like mama nature that much. Too many bad things come from it, he says.
I've seen him smile for real now. I've taken to watching for that smile because I like it so much. I might not have feelings for city boys but a good smile makes me smile.
"I thought you said Echinacea is best."
"Same thing, Sunny." I call him Sun for lots of reasons but I tell him its because his hair looks like he's stuck a sunflower petals in it. I also call him Tinkerbell sometimes because he's white like a little Fairy. He hates it, so I make sure to say it often.
It's a while before either of us says anything else. We'rejust walking along in silence in the pale light or early morning. Though the silence seems to be gradually disappearing, there are still spells of it here and there.
That's why, when he asks about taylor Liddle, I nearly choke on the sage that I'm chewing. "Are you going to marry Liddle's daughter?"
"Why you wondering about Taylor?" I ask, trying not to sound guilty because there's nothing to be guilty for but I still feel guilty.
He pauses, then says, "No reason. I just hear you two are gonna have ten babies and live in Exley and never come back but you don't seem the kind of guy to have even two babies so I thought I'd ask."
I smiled, not at the conversation topic, but because he was starting to sound like one of us. Still spoke funny, but his words were getting close to Wittleton words.
"I ain't marrying Taylor Liddle." I said firmly, but I know if I aint gonna marry her, I should stop asking her over and if I keep asking her over I'm gonna have to buy her a ring.
We fall into silence again and I spit out my sage because it's gotten stale. We walk for a bit more until we get to the big cypress tree that my momma used to sit under. I don't like thinking about her because dead people don't need to be brought back by a living person's thoughts. They want to enjoy heaven and so I'm gonna let my momma go. I'm 22 anyway, it's been a long long time.
But Aden don't know about my Momma and he sits down on that bench under the cypress tree and closes his eyes. He breaths in the air and theres a smile on his lips and I think he's enjoying mama nature for once. So i sit down next to him and close my eyes and breath the air but I don't smile. I feel his shoulder brush against mine and cypress leave tickle my other shoulder and I wonder if that's my Momma saying hello.
I don't realize it until I can taste the tears, but I'm crying. Not weeping or sobbing like beth after the notebook, but my eyes are open and there are tears flowing steadily out the corners. No use wiping at them because Aden's already seen em and he's staring at me as the rain begins to fall. He takes my hand and our fingers interlace and I turn my face up to the sky so he can't see the tears fall faster, mixing with raindrops and sprinting down my chin.
As it pours, we stay under the tree. It keeps most of mama nature's tears off us, but we still get wet. Aden doesn't like rain, I know. And we have to sit here for a while as mama nature sobs even though I've stopped a while ago. When it finally stops, we don't get up right away. His hands still holding mine until i pull it away.
…
February 25, 2078
Aden hasn't come round in a while. I don't think he's ill because I see him in class still. But we haven't talked since the cypress tree. I've been walking to school, since Beth broke my bike. It's bothering me. And being bothered by the lack of his presence bothers me more. So i just go back to picking Mister Liddle's tomatoes and put him out of my mind.
When I got back home, theres someone sitting on my front step. Its the little Hayte Boy, Aden's younger brother. I'm a bit embarrassed, because I've just got through pushing Taylor Liddle off of me and her peach-red lipstick is still smeared on my face. My wind chimes are frantic in the night breeze, I notice.
"Hi Riley." I say. I know his name even though he and I have never met. "You need something?"
He shrugs. "You've got lipstick on your face."
"I know. I ain't showered yet because theres a kid in my doorway and he hasn't had the sense to let a man into his own house."
Riley hurried off the step so I opened my door and stepped in. I invited him in and he tip toed into the house like it was full of evil things that might eat him up. "I just wanted to let you know," He starts, "That Aden hasn't come round because he thinks you don't want him to."
"And why," I ask, beginning to make two cups of tea. "Would he think that?"
"Because he saw you with Taylor Liddle again, piggybacking her her to the theater and laughing and he figures if he comes around again, he'll just get real mad. Well… He already is real mad. But he figures He'll get real mad and say things he'll regret in the morning so he just won't come around no more."
I hand the kid a cup of tea and he tries it a bit to hastily. "Hot!" He remarks, setting it down and pinching his burnt tongue. He's gotta be no older'n eleven but he talks like he's just as old as me. I set my tea down on the table and run a wet rag over my face.
"Did Aden ask you to come tell me that?"
He shakes his head. "No, he told me not to talk to two-faced whores."
I laughed out loud. "Well, I appreciate the thought, kid, but let your brother fight his own battles."
Riley looks down at the floor. "Thanks for the cough syrup stuff."
I had to think hard before I remembered what he was talking about. It was back in fall and now its almost the start of spring.
"Can you do me a favor?" he asks.
"What?"
"Call my brother? I think, even if he gets mad, you should. Because that way you can tell him one way or the other whether you let Taylor Liddle kiss you like that or if she did it of her own accord. My brother likes you, Mr. Adams, but not if you like Taylor Liddle. He likes you like that, you see?"
So i handed him a piece of paper and a pen and he carefully wrote down his home phone number. "And you tell me something, kid." I say to Riley. "Where did you tell him you'd be tonight, if not waiting on Chase Adams' doorstep to ask about Taylor Liddle."
Riley smiled. "I told him I was gonna go see Nilly Hertkorn from school and he said that was fine."
"And what happens if Aden calls Nilly's mother, finds out your here, and blames me for it instead?"
RIley thinks about his answer carefully. "Well sir, then you'll be in worse trouble than you are for piggybacking Taylor to the theater."
…
February 26th, 2078
I call Aden the next night, so as not to get Riley in trouble. He answers probably because home phones don't have caller ID.
"Hello?"
I haven't realized I missed his voice until now. "I told Taylor Liddle I ain't gonna see her anymore."
There's silence. Always silence with the two of us and still so much is said. Then the line goes dead because he's hung up.
Five minutes is all it takes for him to cross town on foot and knock on my door. I open it and instead of inviting him in, close the door behind me and hold out a hand. He takes it and we walk around back. Not picking this time, just walking. As we walk, i show him the lavender and the smell of its intoxicating.
And I stop walking and lean down and kiss him and he kisses me back. We don't go back home for a long time. It's a saturday so there's no schedule to keep. Afterwords, we just lay there, sweating in the heat and clinging to each other despite it. I love him. I probably have since the first car ride to school. There's no doubt about that in my mind. I'm still kissing gently at his neck where a bruise has formed. His hands are still in my hair, knotty and tangled.
He's the first to break the silence. "I have to go back to the city soon."
I stop kissing him real fast and just wait. Wait for an explanation. Wait for the joke to be funny. But that's all he says so i just close my eyes and rest my head on his shoulder. Silence can be a curse too. I want to say so much, but how can I? So i don't say anything.
In the end, I don't know how long we lay there amidst the Lavender, but it was long enough for the sky to go red. Finally I get up and So does my love. I can't imagine now, after what just happened, him leaving me. Maybe I'll freeze over. Maybe I'll just go back to being Chase Adams who everybody thinks is going to marry Taylor Liddle and leave for exley with ten babies, but just thinking that is downright painful.
As we walk back home, he holds my hand. I almost hate him for it. For telling me after I realize that I love him that he's going back to Helix. I won't follow him there and he knows it. But I still love him.
We go in the back and sit down at the table. "When?" I ask.
One month isn't enough. "Why?"
Aden waves away my question as if its not important. "It doesn't matter."
"It does matter!" I insist. "If you don't like it here, you can just say it. It's not like I'll be offended."
Aden fixes me with one of his stares and I know I should just shut up. "Honestly, if it was about my preference, I'd have packed up within the first month but." He paused. "I can't afford it anymore."
I think for a second I haven't heard him properly. How can a city person not have the money to stay in a shabby old place like Wittleton? I didn't ask about that though just like Aden never asked about why I won't sit under the cyprus tree anymore.
"Cant afford the house or the school?" It'd make more sense if he couldn't afford the house. I was barely making it myself and that's because this house was my momma's and she gave it to me to live in after I got old enough.
"The house, my brother, gas, good food," He says and leans back in his chair. "I left home because I don't want to go back. Ever. But I can't see what else there is for me to do if I can't keep care of myself or Riley. The semester at school was paid for through a scholarship. I felt bad not going but I really, really don't like school so I'll stop after this term, that's not a problem. As for the house…. I only have so much money. Its not enough. I have to take Riley back and then go find somewhere else."
I think about offering him and his brother a place here, but I'm reluctant. I don't know how it'd work or how I'd fit three in a house meant for one. But I can't not. So I tell him to stay here. Him and Riley both. Because what else can I do? I can't pay his rent, I can hardly pay for my school, but I can give him a roof over his head.
Aden looks like he might say yes, but he shakes his head. "Thank you Chase, but I just don't know."
…
March, 2078
I spend as much of my last month with Aden as I can. He promises me he'll be back if he can. I beg him to stay. Him and Riley both. Every day he seems to bend a bit more.
For most of the time, he helps me out in the fields behind my house, picking. He and Riley and I eat together here and there. I like when Aden cooks because he's much better than me. When we do that, we mostly talk about silly things like Nilly Hertkorn coloring herself blue and going to school like that or Ms. Criv scaring all the kids with her tazidermied Foxes and Vultures.
If Riley is at a friends house, Aden stays with me for the night. If he's not, we kiss at the door and say good bye for much too long.
And then theres the fighting. Stars, it happens at least once a week. Screaming and yelling and flinging on both ends and usually its over something dumb. Sometimes its over Aden's leaving. Once over who left the door to the shed open because all the jars were stolen. Aden brought up Taylor once, and then things got all sorts of messy.
Taylor'n me don't talk no more. And I don't mean talking. I mean she don't even say good morning if I see her at the store. I figure she thought the same as everybody else about me but the way I see it, I never even asked her to be my girl. Her dad don't like me any more either but I'm the best tomato picker in town so I still get to work his field.
But after every fight, one of us always feels guilty. Gotta apologize then. And just to help things along I kiss him and hold him for a long time and sometimes he does the same to me.
If ever i shed a tear, his lips are brushing my cheek. And if ever I shut my eyes against mama nature or him or anything that rubs me the wrong way, he tells me to open em back up. But no matter how much I shut my eyes against the end of the month, it still arrives faster I anticipate.
The morning Aden's supposed to leave, he comes over early. We talk for a while like it's a normal day but after a while, our old silence creeps back. We're sitting next to each other on my porch bench. My arm is round him and sour shoulders are touching.
Its a while before he whispers, almost to himself, "I can't do it." I wait for him to continue. "God, Chase, I can't do it." I pull him closer.
"Stay here with me." I say. "Please."
I feel him nod against my shoulder and i kiss the top of his head and thank any god that's listening that he's staying.
…
Aden's been gone for three hours when I hear sirens. Sirens in Wittleton mean very, very bad things. I'm scared for a second but figure aden is fine. He's at the Hayte house cleaning it out and I'm making room here for him and Riley.
I don't get real worried till I don't hear from him for over an hour. I turn on the radio just in time to here, "-ooting on Hayte street early this afternoon. Mr. Kenneth Liddle has been arrested and his trial will be held as soon as possible."
That's all I need to know. Already there's a tight feeling in my throat. I can hardly breath as I leave the house and run down to Hayte street. It's deserted. No cops, no pedestrians, no Aden. As I stand there, staring at the blocked off door, I hear footsteps behind me. I turn and see Riley. His eyes are red theres snot under his nose and his shoulders are still shaking.
I think I fall to my knees, but I'm not sure. I just remember grabbing on to Aden's twelve year old brother and holding him so tight neither of us were very comfortable. But he grabbed on to me too and I didn't even try to be strong. His brother, my love. Dead as my momma under the cyprus tree.
…
October 16, 2078
Something keeps me from taking that step. I don't know what it is, but it makes me angry. I miss you more than anything in the world and I honestly don't want anything more from the life I have. Yet here I am. Standing on the edge of the land, way way back behind my house where the highway cuts through at the bottom.
Maybe its the smell of the lavender that brings me back. Maybe its the cry of a vulture like the ones On Ms Criv's mantle. I got people to look after in this town. And as much as I love you, Sun, I can't do it. I can't leave them just like you couldn't leave me. Slowly, slowly, I back away. Away from the ledge but not away from you. And I walk back down the path that leads to my home but I stop for just a moment under that great big cyprus tree and look at my little marker, a mound of rocks, where I buried your ashes right next to my momma's and I smile.
...
MINI EPILOGUE
Chase is late coming home tonight. I sit on the back step waiting with a big piece of rock sugar melting on my tongue. I worry about him, even though he's bigger than me. After aden went, so did he, I think. Or at least the Chase-y bits. Now he's real quiet all the time and he can't cook, but I don't think he ever could so that's ok. He goes about making his medicines like a robot from back home. He sits under that big ol' tree in the back sometimes. I'm not sure what he's doing but probably talking to Aden.
I do that too, sometimes. But I don't just talk to my brother, I talk to Chase's Mum too. I think Aden is keeping her company, maybe, which is nice because I don't think Chase liked thinking about his mum. Maybe it hurt too much or maybe he used to and now he doesn't. But She's there so I say hi whenever I am.
Usually, Chase is home in time to eat. Tonight is different. The sky's getting dark and I went down to Joanna's mum's restaurant and bought myself dinner and this hunk of sugar. Now I'm just waiting. I think I've been sitting for two hours when I see his silhouette walking down the thin path through all the grass and plants he has. I get up and run over, thinking he might ned help carrying stuff if he's been picking but his hands are empty. I look up at him, confused, about to ask where he's been but my mouth just hangs open with no words coming out.
He's smiling. Like grinning. Ear to ear, teeth flashing, making-my-cheeks-hurt-just-looking. He sees my confusion and shrugs, as if to say, "I'm Back."
I smile too and he grabs me up into a hug very much like the day my brother died, but this time we were both laughing and I know that everything will be OK.
