That sentence killed me, haha. I beat it up for a while before telling myself "fine, it's passable English..." and sort of pretending it had never happened. ^^;; I should take another look at the original line--the best thing to do would probably be to find somewhere to work in a comma or an em dash or some other kind of breather. Also, good catch re: the missing negative... will fix that.
The only line that I found really disruptive was the one early on:
It's more because of the chill of the wreckage against which my back leans than because of the chill of the rain that my body won't stop trembling.
I think it's more of a syntax issue than anything; I had to read through it a couple times to make sense of it. I think it might have to do with all the short sentences that the intro is mostly comprised of, and then this much lengthier one that's suddenly thrown in. Otherwise, I think it flowed really well.
In the first chapter, I'm guessing: "It's not that I want to go, it's that there's no meaning in going" is supposed to be "It's not that I don't want to go"?
Dagger IX1
Title: Team | Posted 04/04/08 | Reply
@bellpickle:
Thanks for the input~! :D
That sentence killed me, haha. I beat it up for a while before telling myself "fine, it's passable English..." and sort of pretending it had never happened. ^^;; I should take another look at the original line--the best thing to do would probably be to find somewhere to work in a comma or an em dash or some other kind of breather. Also, good catch re: the missing negative... will fix that.
bellpickle
Title: Otaku Legend | Posted 04/04/08 | Reply
The only line that I found really disruptive was the one early on:
It's more because of the chill of the wreckage against which my back leans than because of the chill of the rain that my body won't stop trembling.
I think it's more of a syntax issue than anything; I had to read through it a couple times to make sense of it. I think it might have to do with all the short sentences that the intro is mostly comprised of, and then this much lengthier one that's suddenly thrown in. Otherwise, I think it flowed really well.
In the first chapter, I'm guessing: "It's not that I want to go, it's that there's no meaning in going" is supposed to be "It's not that I don't want to go"?
red kie
Title: Senior Otaku | Posted 04/04/08 | Reply
lol i post in the wrong world all the time XD
~soul ryuki~<3~enemy of the abyss~