I'm sorry, but I have stuff I need to say... and it's mostly rants and depressing stuff.. So if you don't want to read any of it, please don't... I just really want to let this out right now, and this is the only place I can where certain people won't look... I don't want them to see, or at least one of them because I feel like I've done enough damage to him...
So.. what I've been up to as of late... Um.. I tried applying for Lifeway Christian Stores and Best Buy back in May, but they never got back to me.. My boyfriend of 10 months broke up with me the Friday before I left for Ridgecrest, NC, for an awesome week of fun Christian camp... I came home to be yelled at, fun.. I just came back Saturday from a second trip, this one for World Changers in Barnwell, SC.. Oh gosh, I loved the people I met there D= I wish I could've taken them all home with me XD; I've.. had chronic hiccups for over 4 months now, which is supposed to be stress related, but we can't afford the psychologist like my pediatrician recommends... Again, I came home from my second trip to be yelled at... On Sunday, and some today, I was busying myself with dozens more job applications and discovered that Lifeway's manager is out of town or something so I can't find out about that application until next Monday... My mom's birthday was yesterday and I made awesome cookies.. After much deliberation and many factors considered, I've decided/ discovered that I can't go to the university I wanted to yet and will have to stay here for a year or two at a community college, because it's cheaper and I don't have any scholarships or grants for the university... And.. I made the mistake of telling one of my guy-friends about the break-up and it seems as though his recurring crush on me might be rearing it's head again and I really don't want to deal with him, or any other guy, right now...
*sigh*
I hate being 18, it already sucks... It all just started out with stress of deadlines, prom, the end of the school year.... But even after graduation, things like finances, relationship crap, getting a job, not having a car, wanting to get an apartment to build up grants by being an independent, and where to go to school popped up and now I'm nothing but stressed...
And I hate this relationship... well.. ex relationship situation....
We were happy! There was nothing wrong! I knew he and I shared different feelings, and I was ok with that. I told him I wasn't going to rush him into loving me just because I felt that way for him (and I mean love love, not boyfriend-girlfriend love).. I told him that I wasn't concerned with turning the relationship into something serious, heck I knew I wasn't ready for a serious relationship and admitted it!
You don't break off a relationship just because you don't love them.. It's not marriage, it's just a dating relationship, love is nice but it's not required... You break up if you're hurting, if the other was unfaithful, or if you've fallen for someone else and you think that other person is worth more... None of that was an issue, he even admitted that he didn't have anyone else to go to... He told me recently that he wasn't hurting, he just felt like he was hurting me because he didn't love me... Hurting me? Those were the best 10 months of my life... He's made the few years we've known each other the best years of my life... I don't know how I could repay him...
What's worse is that he feels like no one can love him, and I'm still telling him that I do... that anyone who doesn't is a fool. He's so kind, caring, considerate, respectful... All around, he's almost perfect when it comes to good qualities... No matter what I say, though, I feel like he doesn't listen... It doesn't hurt that he won't come back, what hurts is that he still seems to feel this way.... I can't stand seeing him like this, I love him so much.. I want him happy...
Of either of us, I'm the one who feels like no one loves me... The only guy to seemingly say he loves me was the boyfriend before this one, and quite frankly I don't know what was lie and what was honest in that relationship...
It doesn't bother me that he doesn't love me... I mean.. I've had feelings for him since I met him, my feelings have had time to grow... He's never really had feelings much more than thinking I'm "cute".. Feelings take time to grow, or they may never.. But 10 months doesn't really seem like enough time for any feelings to grow.. especially when all you're doing is focusing on problems and can't embrace what happiness the relationship actually has.... and I know he was happy...
You know what... I will post this on my dA... If he sees it, so be it... I can easily duck and hide if it upsets him.... I don't know why it would, though, but still... I've told him all this stuff before.. he still doesn't get it.. Maybe it's meant to be that way, I guess.. I just wish it would hurt less....
Alright then... I don't know how much good I have to talk about... My internet is screwing up, so this will be fun... Just another reason for my parents to yell at me, because it started this after something I did... Oh well.. >>;
Later..
