I haven't been updating here for a while but I just have vent out my emotions for the past few months.
My grandmother died last July 20 (8 days after my birthday) and until now I'm still not getting over it. Her disappearance made me realize how much I've been so dependent to her even to the point that making a grocery list stresses me out. It really affected me and my work habit this past semester was fvcked up. I can't sleep normally and I can't balance home/school works.
Although my grade for this semester was the highest I got, I'm not satisfied at all because I know I don't deserve it.
My real problem is the worsening relationship I have with my family, especially my grandfather. I'm not being rebellious nor my family being so harsh with me but I literally have no one to confide to anymore. Not even my friends (because I'm not comfortable with opening up my problems with them). Actually, I've always been called a failure and stupid since chilhood but the only one who cheered me up was my grandmother.
Until now, my grandfather thinks that course (Fine Arts) is stupid and expensive (I almost didn't make it to enroll next semester but thank God I still did). He's aware of my drawing skills but he said it would be better if I pursued Architecture or Engineering instead. Of course back then, my grandmother would fight back for me. But now, its only me and my grandpa at home (I don't live with my parents). He'd always call me a failure until now and I just stay quiet.
Then things get worse for me because mt parents are now complaining that I've been studying art for 3 years and yet I'm still not that good as they expected. For the first time, they called me a failure as well and that I've been wasting their money. We had so much debt and it's like they already gave up as they told me that they regret making me pursue my dream course.
The physical stress and emotional stress I got these past months made me insane. Even my friends notice it but I just told them that I wasn't getting enough rest because we had too many works this semester (which is true). I feel so alone now that grandma is gone. I really can't fight back because even though I'm working hard and trying my best, their words are making me weak and believe that I'm a real failure.
I can't stress out how many times I've actually considered doing suicide. Even I can't believe myself that I would have gone so far to have that decision but I really couldn't take it anymore. I secretly bought a rope to hang myself in case it's the last straw. My only motivation to go on is my promise to grandma that I'll make our house beautiful but even I am already losing hope.
Even though it's good to talk to my family about it, they're not comfortable to talk with and it would be better to keep things to myself. I can tolerate it... probably...
Until then...
