Now That I Know ~Versions One and Two~

Title: Now That I Know (Version One)
Anime: Death Note
Pairing: L X Light
Type: One Shot (Now a Chapter Story)
Disclaimer: I DO NOT own Death Note, the characters, or anything related to it. T_T
Summary: It’s been a week since Ryuuzaki’s burial, and Light’s finally coming to understand how much he really needed Ryuuzaki.
Excerpt: “I wonder,” he whispered taking a pen from his pants pocket, “what would happen if you wrote your own name in the Death Note.”
Categories: Angst, Shounen-ai / Romance
A/N: I tried my hardest to capture what I thought Light would be feeling if this actually happened. Let me know if I did well.

Now That I Know
Death Note One Shot

“It’s been a week since your burial,” Light whispered as he knelt before the crimson carpeted alter. He placed the palms of his hands upon the carpet and gritted his teeth sharply, “And I can’t stop remembering everything about you.”

Light shifted his numbing feet as rainbow light shone through the stained glass window splaying over his body. Light shifted closer to the dark wooden table upon which the coffin of his one true love had sat only a week before.

He lifted his head slowly and glanced across the table at the torn page of the Death Note he had brought. “I wonder,” he whispered taking a pen from his pants pocket, “What would happen if you wrote your own name in the Death Note.”

Pulling back from the table suddenly he fell to the hard floor missing the long emerald cushioned pews by an inch. “No,” he raised his voice dropping the pen to the floor, “I’m not that weak. I don’t love anyone that much.”

He lifted his head and gazed at the portrait of his love hanging upon the wall. Light frowned; he could remember exactly when and how they had hung the picture on the night of his burial. Every eye at least shed one tear. Every eye that is, except Light’s.

“Ryuuzaki,” Light groaned standing slowly. He kicked the pew closest to him and let out a cry of pain, “Why aren’t you here?” he screamed throwing himself against the table as the wall built to block tears was destroyed.

“Why?” he screamed beating against the table with both fists, “Why did it have to be you?” He let the ripped paper fall to the floor and slowed the jarring blows to the table.

“Fuck this love-hate-relationship!” he screamed hearing his voice echo through the building, “Fuck it! I’m not supposed to depend on someone else.”

Light let his hands fall limp to the table and took slow deep breaths. “You,” he whispered, “you’re not supposed to mean so much to me.” He rose to his feet slowly and gazed dizzily up into the ceiling, “L, I’m Kira,” he whispered. “L,” he raised his voice backing away from the table entwining his hands in his hair; “I’m Kira!”

“I-,” Light groaned falling to his knees, “I don’t want to chase after one another anymore.” He took slow steps toward the portrait on the wall and called, “All this time it was me chasing you, and you chasing me. It was Kira, the murderer, versus L, the genius detective.”

He raised his hand to touch the portrait, but reeled his hand away quickly, “Ryuuzaki,” he whispered, “Why didn’t you see through me?” He gritted his teeth as he rolled his hands into fists once again, “Why couldn’t you tell?” he screamed throwing himself against the portrait.

“I need you,” he screamed punching the portrait softly, “I need you, you idiot.” He pushed himself closer to the portrait and glanced up into the onyx eyes of his lost love. “I need you, Ryuuzaki,” he whispered pulling away from the portrait. “No,” he whispered, “no,” his voice grew loser as he backed closer to the table.

He reached to the floor and took the torn paper into his hand. Taking slow steps backwards he took the pen by his foot and knelt before the table.

Quickly he scratched one word onto the paper. He looked over it as teardrops blurred his eyes and stained the paper. It read- “Yagami”.

Light raised his head and stared at the portrait once more, “Well?” he yelled, “Are you going to stop me? Are you going to say anything?” He stood still as if expecting a reply from the face in the portrait, “Ryuuzaki.” He gritted his teeth and clenched his fists as he knelt by the table once more.

He took the pen into his hand and brought it down to the paper. “Ryuuzaki,” he whispered, “Ryuuzaki,” he repeated scratching an L onto the paper, “Ryuuzaki.” He continued; he had written I, g, and h.

As he lowered the pen to write the final letter a cold hand wrapped around his wrist, “Light.” A sadly familiar voice echoed through the building.

Light’s eyes grew wide, and his hand unconsciously released the pen. It hit the table with a thump spilling ink over the paper permanently erasing the name nearly written there.

“Ryuuzkai?” Light gasped staring blankly at the hand resting upon his wrist, “No,” he whispered, “you’re-.” He stopped as that hand yanked him back into the warm body behind him. “I’m dreaming,” he whispered closing his eyes tightly, “I’m dreaming.”

“Light,” that voice came again ringing like soft beautiful bells in his ears, “Kira is destined to be miserable, with or without anyone else.”

Light felt his eyes overflow and took a breath, “Ryuuzaki,” he whispered pushing himself closer to the warm body, “Kira or no Kira, I didn’t want this. If I had known it would turn out like this I never would have started at all.” He took a deep breath as another hand fell upon his shoulder, “I’m sorry.”

The warmth increased as slender arms surrounded him. “It would be a shame if Light-Kun was Kira,” the voice whispered in his ear, “because Light-Kun is my first real friend.”

Light let out a breath, “But, Ryuuzaki,” he gasped feeling the arms around him hold him tighter, “I- I am Kira.” He opened his eyes expecting the heat to fade, and for the body of his love to pull away.

Instead, the boys chin rested on Light’s shoulder, “I’ve always known, haven’t I?”

Light turned his head and bit his lip seeing the face of his beloved, “Ryuuzaki,” he whispered, “it is you.” He let his head fall back against Ryuuzaki’s shoulder and stared blankly at the ceiling. “But you’re dead,” he whispered, “aren’t you?”

Ryuuzaki smiled, almost a smirk, and moved away from him. Slowly he moved around Light so that he crouched before him, “Light,” he whispered lifting a hand to touch the boy’s cheek, “why would I leave you?”

“I killed you,” Light whispered leaning into the touch, “since I met you I’ve been trying to kill you.” He stared hazily into the boy’s eyes, “I’m sorry,” he whispered moving forward and wrapping his arms around Ryuuzaki’s neck. He pulled closer to the boy and smiled solemnly, “I love you, Ryuuzaki.”

Ryuuzaki placed his hands on Light’s shoulders and pushed him slightly away. With a smile he leaned forward and pressed his lips against Light’s softly.

The moment seemed to last forever, and that was all Light wanted. For this moment to last forever would be the answer to every single prayer he had ever made.

Light pulled away reluctantly and frowned. “But,” he whispered, “that doesn’t matter now, does it? No matter how much I love you,” he lifted his hands and placed them awkwardly on Ryuuzaki’s shoulders, “You can’t love me back, can you?”

Ryuuzaki gave a sigh and said, “Why would I not be able to?” He lifted his hands to Light’s cheeks and smiled, “You think I haven’t loved you already?”

Running his fingers over Light’s cheeks Ryuuzaki leaned forward and kissed his neck, “Why didn’t you see through me?” he whispered.

“R-Ryuuzaki,” Light stuttered, “I- I-.”

A loud noise erupted from the back of the building; Light’s head snapped back as the door swung open. “F- Father,” Light whispered as two men started down the aisle. “Matsuda,” he whispered turning away from them hoping, praying that his love was still there. He reeled back seeing nothing but carpeted floor beneath him, “No,” he gasped falling backward. “I wasn’t dreaming- I know I wasn’t.”

“Light,” his father gasped taking hold of his shoulders, “calm down, Light.”

Matsuda attempted to aid Yagami, but was merely knocked to the floor as Light became violent, “Ryuuzaki!” he screamed pulling out of his father’s grip. He knelt by the table and took the stained paper from the floor, “Ryuuzaki,” he whispered, “take me to wherever you are, please, don’t leave me.”

“Get a hold of yourself, Light-kun,” Matsuda whispered, “We’re all very upset about Ryuuzaki’s death. We under-.”

“No!” Light yelled, “you don’t understand; you never will. None of you will ever understand it- you’ll never know how bad I feel, or how much pain is building up inside me. You’ll never know.”

His father took his shoulder again and knelt behind his son, “Light, you and Ryuuzaki got along so well; It’s a shame that-.”

Light pulled away and stood, “No, that’s a lie, this whole time I was nothing more than a suspect in the Kira Case who L was trying to prove guilty, but, even though I didn’t know it then, I wanted more than that.” He took the pen from the floor and backed against the wall, “That’s why,” he whispered holding the pen loosely in his hand, “I want someone to write my name.”

Both men gasped with horror but hesitated to move any closer to the boy. “Light,” his father whispered stretching his hands out in front of him to his son.

Matsuda let his chin fall to his chest, “But, Light-kun, we need you here to help us solve the Kira Case. Don’t you want to get back at Kira for killing Ryuuzaki?”

Light took quick breaths through his teeth, “There is no Kira Case if I’m gone, Matsuda.” He screamed without a second thought. He was going to be with Ryuuzaki, dead or alive.

“Light-kun,” Matsuda said loudly, “What do you mean by that?”

Light took a deep breath and reached toward his watch, “I’m,” he began placing to fingers around the small knob on the side of the watch. He pulled it three times and smiled slightly as the silver plate slid out from underneath it. On the plate was a ripped paper and a needle, “Kira,” he whispered moving the pen close to the paper, “I’m Kira,” he said writing his last name on the small scrap of paper for the second time.

His father gasped, “Light,” he whispered deciding not to move his feet.

Matsuda shifted forward, “Light-kun,” he whispered. His eyes snapped as he realized what Light was doing, “Light-kun,” he raised his voice taking quick steps toward the boy, “Would Ryuuzaki want you to do that? Would he want you to use it in that way?”

Light steadied the pen after writing L-i-g-h and looked across the room at Matsuda, “If he didn’t want me to he’d stop me,” he said before whispering, “again.” He wrote half of the final letter, “Stop me, Ryuuzaki,” he thought silently, “stop me or meet me on the other side.”

Light gasped as a bright light flooded through the room, and the shredded piece of paper was diminished to nothing but ash. All matter faded away, and slowly the light subsided and the soft voice came once again.


Light was reluctant to open his weary eyes.

“Light-kun,” the voice grew louder.

Slowly, Light let his eyes open and gazed up into the strangely familiar ceiling. He gasped; it was the ceiling he remembered from Headquarters. He sat up quickly, but stopped as he saw a familiar face before him. “Ryuuzaki- again- but- but, you’re – you’re dead.”

“Dead?” Ryuuzaki whispered climbing onto the chair behind him. He wheeled the chair closer to Light and placed a finger on his lips, “I’m not.”

Yagami walked into the room and smiled to Light, “Light, you passed out. Ryuuzaki sat beside you until you woke.”

Light turned from face to face, “But- what is today’s date?”

“November 4, 2004,” Yagami said giving his son an eerie look, “You were only out for ten minutes; are you alright?”

(Nov. 4, 2004 is the day before L’s death)

Light let out a breath and nodded. Now, he could remember being Kira, he could remember re-acquiring the Death Note, he could remember having Rem and Ryuk at Headquarters, he could also remember everything that had happened afterwards- things that had not yet happened. “But,” he thought, “Just because it happened once doesn’t mean it has to happen again.”

“I’m fine, father,” he said turning from his father to Ryuuzaki, “Ryuuzaki, how does another game of tennis sound?” He saw a glimmer in Ryuuzaki’s eyes followed by a slight smile.

“Perfect,” Ryuuzaki said lifting himself from the chair as Light stood slowly, “afterwards we can stop and get cake.”

Light smiled; the glimmer in Ryuuzaki’s eyes brightened. As they began across the floor Light looked the boy over head-to-toe. “This really is real” he thought silently, “and now that I know what would happen; I have to change the ending into one that’s better.”

{Next Page - Version Two}