The things my family and friends say — brought to you without context or clarification. Enjoy.

But where are the tiny pails?

Mom: How do they make oyster sauce anyway? Do they ferment oysters?

Dad: No, honey, the oysters have tiny udders.

We're religiously sensitive, too.

Mom: Up and down, up and down, up and down -- I feel like a catholic!

A little originality, please.

Missy: Just once I'd like a fortune cookie to say, "Look behind you. Keep a bat by the bed."

I don't think that's kosher.

Dad: Bacon strips make excellent Kleenex.

One of these things is not like the other.

Me: Ugh. He's just so... so... SO HAUGHTY.

Friend: I know! He's SUCH a hotty!

Me: ...