LOLI-POP

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Finished with Application :D

The application I keep complaining about on here I finally submitted today怜

And I could be doing homework now but I haven't been able to sleep very much recently (parties next door and the application...) so my body hurts so much...and I keep losing internet on my laptop....I am ready to go to sleep but it is still too early to sleep....so I thought I would post randomly on here.

So yeah I hVe been really busy with the application, i also had to add an extra class to my schedule becauss I had to change my major and if is a complicated annoying story. I am glad it is resolved, but I don't like taking a morning class even though it is a fun class (intro history class...which shouldn't be fun, but I am good with history).

But through all of this I accidentally forgot about my art projects being due so I can't relax as much,...but luckily the extra history class has no hw next week for some weird reason....we are talking about our research papers and how to write one...bruh, I have done tat in like every class. But most of the students are freshmen so it makes sense.

And so I haven't had time work on my webcomic or other things...like homework, as said above. Now I finally have time but I need to catch up on homeworkkkkk

Maybe I will finally get into a good schedule where I can work on my webcomic...

I actually have a lot written for it, I just need to work on the panel layout more and the dialogue cause I am missing some important info and I need to redraw it all...

It is so weird. I thought me turning in my application would make me super happy and energetic, but I just feel even more exhausted...

Welp tomorrow and over the weekend I will get all my art projects together and maybe work on some other things...

ADIOS

Webcomic idea!

Sorry for so many posts this week...this is the only one that should be posted. The other ones are just me going insane...XD

I have been getting ready and packing for my last year in college!

It's been slow because I forgot how to pack for a year instead of a few months or a week....

This year is going to be weird for me because applications. Which I have complained about earlier. And all my class this year are ART CLASSES! HUZZAH! Now I sure do feel like an art major. I am excited to have my brain go into the zone better instead of being confused in frustrated. I know that'll happen anyway, but still. Also they all start in the middle of the day~ No morning classes~ Same building~

Then some of my friends from Japan are coming as exchange students and I finally get to see them again once I go back~ Excited for these things...

However I just got a message from one of my best friends that she won't be coming this semester because he parents got divorced and she felt it would be best to stay with them. Which is so sad, and I hate that that happened to her family because they were really tight-knit...it must be terrible for her..

But on my end...she was the only one I could think of doing fun stuff with....;m; Now all my ideas for this year are out the window....TT^TT

This also means I only have 5 friends still on campus including the Japanese student....;m; This means I have to make friends I forgot how (which is totally not true since I made several friends this year)...so it's gonna be a scary and lonely year and I hope I don't bother the Japanese students too much...I hung out with one of them a lot when I was in Japan so I guess it'll be the same as when I was in Japan? XD

...

Anyway....As I was packing I found some weird things....like a dead lizard in my candle holder (my friend tells me it is probably the circle of life going on in there...;m; )..

But I also found some of my notes about shoujo stuffs and ideas for characters and whatever...

And I have been wanting to write a simple webcomic that can go on forever that will be written simply mainly 'cause I don't have much confidence as a writer and I want to work on that. So the pictures won't be so great and just like sketches with panels and stuff...(inspired by One's One Punch Man by the way) But lots of updates. Like I should write a page a day...

I wanted to do some sort of action comedy and I have an idea for one, but I would like that to be well constructed and cleanly drawn...So I was trying to come with other ideas that might be interesting for an online audience that would be fun to draw every day and not worry so much about how it looks as well as allowing me to draw bishounens...

The stuff that comes easiest to me is shoujo manga just because I know at the dokidoki kyun moments. Whereas seinen or shounen stuff feels much more complex to me...

So here's my idea and please let me know if there is manga already like this or if it is at all interesting:

Everybody falls in love, but the duration for that love is random, some short some long. Some people have a connection that can last a really long time. Our main character has one person who is their true love meaning that their love will last forever. However she never knows when she will meet this person. She is given a special watch that tells her the time limit for her to meet this person before they are too far away to meet again. The watch works like a gps of the heart and the closer they are the longer the time limit.

So they can be physically far away, or perhaps that person is dating other people and becomes further away from the main character that way.

The main character struggles with her urge to find him or just moving on in life.

What do you think? Interested in reading a webcomic like this?

The idea is to have her try and figure out who it is who is her true love. This means they also like her but they may or may not have realized this.

I have always wanted to write a romance manga almost like a murder mystery so that is the inspiration for it. Because I think that is why I even like romance manga, because it's always the 'do the really like each other?' thing going on, especially when it's a love triangle then you are alike 'who is she going to end up with' just like 'who is the killer?' when there are two suspects. So that is also what I am going for. Murder mystery with more doki doki kyun, pretty boys, romance, less murder.

Yap so that's the idea. I will probably try and make myself write a few pages a day or something like that. It'll help with my own productivity and practice storytelling to where it becomes natural. It won't be in Japanese which is the only problem for me. Maybe I can translate it one day or something? I'unno...

Should I make it more realistic or add supernatural elements...that is something else I don't know...>3>

Welp I'll continue fleshing out this idea and maybe make it a plan for this year. I know I will be really busy, but it isn't so hard to spend just a day working on a page or two.

Thanks for reading~

ADIOS~

ugbugbug no nevermind stop regrets...;m;

I got a reply from a professor in Japan I sent an email to for an affiliation letter for a grant I am applying to....but....

She asked for a research proposal asap and I HAVE NEVER WRITTEN ONE BEFORE. But I was like, pshh, can't be too bad I learned things I got the skillz. Then I looked it up and I need to have like a budget plan and a schedule and whatever...

In a traditional research proposal...

;m;

Wat?

I dun have that...I dun even know how to make that since I have never done anything close to this...Like I have done research from reading articles and then synthesizing it into a paper...but.......what how do I do research?! TT^TT

I need somebody to hold my hand but she said ASAP and I am on break right now so ASAP is not possible....TT^TT

I know I complained about this last post but now I am stressed again 'cause I was finally all happy about updating my operating system (I love updating my operating system, so many new fun things) and then getting ready for school and I was slowly deciding (since she hadn't emailed me back) that I don't really want to do the grant anymore and I am okay with not doing it because I at least have some nice pieces and whatever and I can try working on a few other things and then draw some stuff I wanted to do since the beginning of the summer but kept forgetting about that I want to do before the start of my semester....

but then I get this email....;m;

I think she misunderstood what I was asking...Like I know I need to give her a research proposal...but....like...no I don't know what that is...

And then art and that I needed to get it in ASAP 'cause the school year starts in April. 1. This grant does not allow me to enroll in the university, but I can research alongside the university using the amenities of the university. 2. My school year ends in May, so it's not gonna work that way...

I dunno how to email her back when I only understand like 45% about the grant and I don't know how to politely tell her she misunderstood...especially when I don't know for sure...

That and I kinda don't want to do it at all...like...now I know it's not super hard to do this stuff but I actually don't have enough time to do anything of the things I was supposed to do so I don't want to do it. Maybe some other time when I actually want a grant, but I actually don't want this grant, I am only doing this so it looks good on a resume...

Ughh...this is what happens when I try to do things to build an image.

So now I am wondering how to politely tell all these people I emailed how I don't want to do it anymore...which still sucks 'cause that makes me look like a whimpy child who doesn't know what they want to do and can't take the pressure. Which is true, but y'know, it really wasn't in my self interest to do any of this. I just wanted people to think I was cool for applying...;m;

This is like the 3rd time I have learned not to listen to people's recommendations...>3> The other two times have also been disingenuous and ended in my failure. I can't do 50% of stuff...like I can't try and get ahead through jumping through hoops, I can only do it through going though a door which I have to open myself...or like knock so that somebody can let me in.

Like everyone else who applies for this grant do it so they can learn about themselves, have experience studying abroad, etc etc. I have no interest I literally just want to go to Japan and get a working visa so I can work as a manga assistant...;m; This is actually in my way of doing so...

Basically the stress comes from: 1. I didn't want to do the grant but I did it because people told me to in a 'I am so impressed, you go for it. I am so excited for you taking this opportunity' so like....why wouldn't I? 2. I bothered people for help in doing something I didn't want to do. 3. Now I have to either do the stuff they ask which I can only do at a very mediocre quality or somehow explain why I have given up on something I didn't want to do in the first place...

I guess I will figure it out tomorrow. This has been a heck of a couple of days with people saying I can't do it and then myself telling me I can't do it and then other people telling me I can which therefore means (to me) that I should...

I just feel like backing out of it will be a personal failure...but again I didn't want to do it in the first place so I just put myself in this hole...

Uggh sorry for complaining about this a second time. I need to blow off even more steam so I don't get ulcers from the stress...;orz

Lala stress Lala failure~ :D

Blowin of steam~ Steam boat willy~ :D

My school year starts up again next week-ish (technically next next week but I gotta actually move in) and I am both excited and terrified. Because it's my last year and most of the applications for jobs I want will be in my first semester (although some will be after I graduate if I feel like waiting that long...)

Also I get to see some of my friends from Japan again~ :3 I am super excited to see them again and I know they are super excited to experience college life in America. I am also mentoring one of the students who I have never met before so I will have new friends~ :3 YAY FRIENDSHIP!!

But recently I have been dumb and lazy...>3>

So my life plans for after graduating are basically: get a job so I can live in Japan. I just want to live there on a working visa so that I can apply to work as an assistant for manga artists while working on my stuff (honestly I would be happy working as a manga assistant for the rest of my life, I wouldn't mind that, but it'd be nice to publish my own manga if I can).

There are many things I have preparing myself to apply for. I have a bunch of places I want to apply to and I just need to wait for the application periods to be open. That is stress for later...

However I also wanted to apply for Fulbright just for the heck of it even though I know I will never get it. The main thing is that I can put the fact that I applied on an application for a job and it'll look like I am really a determined sort of person or whatever. 'cause it takes a lot of apply for Fulbright.

Unfortunately I did not know or understand Fulbright until recently and it sounded like way too much stuff...and just weird vague rules everywhere...just so many questions so I emailed people and waited for their replies back. This sounds like a reasonable thing except that I am stupid and this is during the summer and I was supposed to go to the meetings for it last year.

It turns out the deadline is the 16th of September which isn't far away. I don't have anything done. I have to write two essays (only have drafts), get a letter of affiliation from the university I would like to study at (e-mailed some people but haven't heard back because I sent it during people's break times...because I am stupid...), and have 15 finished pieces of art for the portfolio....

ughhh...

It would be a good idea to do it and I am trying my best to get it done but it is so stressful and I can't even sleep at night because I just keep getting thoughts over and over again about how stupid and lazy I am.

It's making me feel sick...

And the even stupider thing is that it shouldn't. The only reason I am applying is so that it looks good on my resume. There are other things I can work hard on to put on my resume. Like I can ask to be a TA for the japanese classes so I can get teaching skills or see if I can work at afterschool stuffs. There are lots of opportunities on my campus.

The problem I have with the whole thing is emailing people. I email that I am interested thus the professor gets excited to help and in the end I don't get anything. I just feel bad for bothering people...I know it's just an email but still. They took the time to read it and care about my feelings enough to reply...>3>

I have decided to see what I can do up until that deadline and if it doesn't work out (which I feel like it won't since I still have no replies from anybody) then I can just use the artwork that I made for my senior portfolio for art.

I am literally stressing over something that isn't a big deal. The only thing I am stressing over is my own pride.

When I tell people I am going to do things (not on the internet, I got a habit of saying I will do stuff on the internet and then forget it and do homework instead...;orz) I have to do that because I said so. I don't like saying that I was too ambitious and was unable to do it. It's like losing a battle...but I made up the battle...

In other news I finished about 90% of the manga I was working on this summer. I still have some tweaking, the story is weak in some bits so I need to draw new pages, some of the details are missing, and my japanese is messed up on a few pages. I am putting it on hold for now because applications and school stuff.

In other other news...I am super lucky with my classes this year because all of them start in the middle of the day, are all in the same building (which is next to my dorm), and are all art related~ Two art history classes which means two classes I need to dedicate to studying and writing good papers. Two studio classes.

A class for studying and a class for destressing over studying (or stressing about materials and cleaning and whatever...but meh, I do that anyway). Balanced~

Although I have more problems on top of that. Apparently the two classes I need for my minor are not offered this year...>3> And honestly it wouldn't be a big deal but my mom is super pissed at me if I graduate with a major in art (which actually super beneficial in attaining a visa to work as a manga assistant). So she wants me to have a minor in Asian Studies (which I don't really understand how that is much better than an art major) so that I guess I might be able to work in government or something?

This all lead me to have a break down yesterday and confessed my dreams to my mom. Which she always knew I had but I dunno...it was weird...like, this is probably rude of me to say because I actually don't know, but it kinda did feel like I was coming out as gay to my mom. I am heterosexual so I wouldn't know how that felt, but it was like telling my mom and expecting her to be majorly disappointed in me. Telling her something that I thought would hurt her for some reason...which I was wrong...but I felt I needed to tell her so she would stop trying to steer me in directions that are wasting my time...

So yap...

Just stressing stressing...I really just don't want to do that application anymore...I would love it if nobody replied to me because I just don't want to get people's hopes up...because then it will get my hopes up....

Welp, that's how I have been feeling. I am actually a lot more excited for school, but I want the scholarship to be over and out of the way and it won't be...;orz

Thanks for reading my book, "Lala stress lala failure~ :D"

ADIOS~

Popping in an out!

Sorry for popping in and out so much...I forgot how to be active on the internet ever since I started college so I keep ending up doing stuff like just watching youtube videos for hours and hours instead of being active on other websites...;orz

I have written the name for my manga (in Japanese) and now I am in the steps of drawing out the manuscript but I have gotten annoyed by my stale looking art style so I would say I am pretty stuck/frustrated right now. I think I shouldn't be because how will I improve if I don't keep drawing.

After this post I will probably just put my nose to the grind stone and draw even if I think it looks bad. I can always come back and fix it later. I think that is another problem, I keep thinking about how bothersome it is to fix stuff afterwards and that I just want it to be over...;orz I think that is something important to get over.

Akiko Higashimura once said that the greatest thing she ever learned was to just keep drawing and never stop. I think she wrote a manga about this theme. She went to an art school and had a difficult teacher who she didn't get along with and she didn't do super well in his classes and he kept yelling at her 'What are you doing? Keep drawing!' It is that kind of thing that made her one of the fastest producers of manga where she can churn out like 10 pages in a day.

I think I should keep drawing to get to where it is just natural to draw manga, use the techniques, think of angles and paneling and dialogue. Same for studying Japanese. Just gotta keep at it until it becomes less of a chore.

On another subject...

I just wanted to say my thinking out loud and ask if any of you guys know of manga about the internet?

I have been struggling with a story for my babies Klan and Seiichi because all the previous stories I tried to work on for them were very flat and boring or just unoriginal...

What I wanted to try and explore was modern day topics. Not like recent news sort of modern day topics but like ideas like increasing consumption in a globalized world. I know it's a topic that has been going on for a while but it has transformed our world in many ways and we have a new culture of reality intertwined with the internet.

My central theme now is just 'internet child' a person who grew up with the internet. I want to do express the feelings of being a person who grew up with the internet because I am one of those type of people. Since I was about 4 years old I have been using the internet. When I was 4 I would look up pictures of cats or Sailor Moon and then as I got older I slowly started to delve into the internet community.

I think I was 7 when I started going on neopets and participating in the boards in neopets. That is also where I met some of my best friends on the internet. When I was 7 I was only allowed 3 hours on the internet and this steadily grew until I spent more than 12 hours on the internet and now I spend pretty much every hour of the day on the internet. I guess that is sorta a problem but I feel more comfortable on the internet.

Like other people have street smarts I have internet smarts. I know what it means to properly behave on the internet and I know the invisible rules of the internet which other people like to believe don't exist.

Okay this is getting long...

Basically my idea is to make the setting for the manga in the internet. Where each website is like it's own city and the main character delves into other areas of the internet like one would on road trips and such, just seeing what it's like and maybe you like that community better. However there are also problems like mean people etc and then there are problems like government crack down and viruses.

It sounds a bit like .hack or something but I want to make it not like that and more relevant to the actual behaviors of the internet.

Somehow I will work in action battle stuff...('cause I do that for pretty much all my stories....;orz)

I am not sure what the goal or the villain is but I was wondering if this sort of story has been done before/done to death. Maybe it is too similar to the MMORPG stories like SAO or something?

Welp that's all for now~ Maybe I will get the hang of internet activity later...XD