boo

If there's anything ive learned over the last couple of months, its that i am a fool.

Now, I am a very strong person. I lived for myself and worked to get out of my past situations to come out a happier person.

Its crazy because at this point, i honestly dont know if i've made the right decisions.

I tell you one thing though, Im living my life by someone elses views....and ive given up on who i was.

I feel kind of broken, but yet, i feel that im finally living a life, just maybe half alive....and everything everyone says to me is pretty much a lie.

Ive met so many messed up people, who have good hearts, but only live there lives in a cowardly manor and depending on substances to get by.

Ive even given in myself, and rolled one to many times.....

reality is hitting me harder then it ever has, its like my eyes are showing me the world for what it really is, very harsh.

and im sad to say im in love with someone who beleives life should be this way. Maybe some part of him knows its wrong, but in the end all he cares about is feeling life differently, no matter what the cost, even my heart and soul. He would give me up and not go after me if i left.

But he isnt the only one with an addiction. I started a new life with him, and i cant go back. And now im addicted to him and his love and our life....

You should never make someone else your life, you must always live for yourself, and when someone is holding you back....dont let them. That is no relationship

Ive never seen someone who is so selfish and so deceiving. Why i love him so much... i have no idea.

Im such a fool...because im in love with someone who cant see life for what it is.....

But in any case, maybe i'll be back soon and recount everything. Including my 2 week binge drinking and then the 2 months of being so ill i lost 10 pounds. Or how i discovered my superhero power is that pot doesnt effect me one bit.

or about all the people i've met....who blew my mind, and made me hate this planet more and more....

breathless

Whoo!.

i had an amazing night lol. i wont go into details...they would have mostly been mushy and lovey-dovey anyway lol but basically i just feel incredibly loved. i am in love, we are in love with each other and its like...officially out there and clear to the both of us. and tonight...he just took my breath away completely. it was just...the perfect moment.

so i guess i have just been cought up with my relationship. there isnt anything wrong with that though right? i havent been this happy in a long time so i excuse me while i enjoy it thoroughly xD

but yeah, so my hours got cut at work :/ i went from having 30-35 hours a week to having 20! TWENTY HOURS.

i have bills to pay, i can't deal with this O.o but i have to, i just have to live with it because it is like..impossible to go out and find another job. they just arent out there at the moment. plus i love the job i just...i dunno. im trying to work up the courage to ask my boss about it. she must know i would not be happy with that O.o even though i just got a raise it doesnt really matter when my paycheck will still be more then 1/3rd short of what it was all summer.

BILLS TO PAY GAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >_______< it is really stressing me out.

lotsa thoughts

I am in the greatest of moods right now. I had a good day and i am in a very peaceful state at this moment. listening to hungry lucy, which always makes me spirit glow =]

Ron just said the cutest thing lol. He is kind of a science nerd, so sometimes he'll go off on this science talk that i dont get at all. He tried to explain resonance frequency to me and in the end he was like "so basically brandi, we oscillate eachother."

hehe, i love it. I get to see him tomorrow at work, i must find a way to get him alone and smother him in kisses for that one. things are going like...surreally awesome for us. it kind of scares me.

So today i saw this guy that i went on one date with way back when i never did stuff like that. i was really stepping out of my comfort zone when i went on that date and the whole time i hardly said a word to him. needless to say, he never called me back. I never called him. That was the end of that. it hurt my feelings a bit but i mean, i was just happy that i had done it. it was really the start of my turning point in my life.

it was funny seeing him. he noticed me clearly but we didnt even acknowledge one another. all i could think about was ron, and how amazing he has been to me. and i think thats why i am in such a great mood lol.

But anyway, so it is november 1st(almost 2nd) and that is the start of the NANOWRIMO.

a writing competition that takes place this whole month where anyone around the world can take part and try to write a 50k word novel in 30 days.

for a writer, it is a pretty fun experience, especially your first time. however this will be my 3rd time. the last 2 times i tried really hard but never reached 50k because i just couldnt stop judging my writing harshly. This year i hadnt even thought about what i was going to write about because, well, i havent even written anything in a long time. its sad. i really do miss my writing, and how much joy it gave me in some of my darkest hours.

I am at an amazing state in my life at the moment. at least i am happier then i have ever been. Yet i still yurn to have a passion, something i can do and love and have all to my own. that used to be writing. I really have no idea why i can no longer write....i question it quite often. And i keep telling myself "one day brandi, you'll find your muse and get back into the writing grove"

but when will that day come? how long will i put it off? sometimes i just wish i could let it go, just let writing go forever. But something inside of me cant let that happen.

love

OMG my tuesday went exactly like i told you it would ^^ hehe.

and by the end of the night i was sitting there cuddling with ron and i didnt want to leave! i just wanted to fall asleep right there with him x.x he is seriously, the most comfortable thing ever xD And i was so tired! i dont even know how i managed to drive home lol. but somehow i did and now i falling asleep at my laptop ^^;; but for some reason i wanted to update.

we ended up watching the movie "vanilla sky" it was awesome! i had never seen it before although im pretty sure it came out like, way back in 2001 <<; i liked it.

But anyway, as i am writing this, i just got a messege from ron on myspace. and it says this:

"You know what brandi?

I think i am falling in love with you"

And......that one little statement....made my night somehow a billion times more amazing then it already was.

so i feel loved.

and i think i am in love.

but honestly? its to soon for me to be sure. As i said, i have never felt like this about a guy or anyone i have ever dated. Its crazy.... somehow he is completely different then anyone i have ever met.

*sigh* im sorry, i hate how every post is of me gushing about ron. But damn...i cant help it.

yaay

sunday was a crazy day! it was the first day i worked with my love since he became my love and it was odd lol. but thats just because i still wasnt sure if anyone at work knew about us....and because all i wanted to do was tackle and cuddle him :P but yeah. it was fine. So usually i come in at 6 AM.

yes, dear LS who has struggled for years with her sleeping schedule wakes up at 5 AM every morning now, just to be at work at 6 AM. :P can you believe it? i cant. O.o; seriously. i only get like 5 hours of sleep every night and somehow i function normally. although i guess im not as lazy and young as i used to be.

but yeah, so sunday is the busiest day at my work. not only did i work a stressful 8 hours like usual, but i also agreed to help my boss out a bit and put together the new menu's. O.o well that took freaking forever. i was there until 5 PM! thats 10 hours of work. and you know what? when i got home i was still going! i didnt get to sleep till like 12 in the morning xD and woke up at 5 AM on monday.

so here i am, 10:30 at night on monday. dont ask me how many hours of sleep i have gotten these past few days xD i dont even want to think about it. But tomorrow is my day off and i am spending it with my love so i cant wait.

Also at work, we had our annual evaluations. Everything of mine came out at "exceeds expectations" and she didnt have one bad thing to say about me. i am so proud of myself *.* i just realized that when i set out to work really really hard when i got this job....i succeeded. which is funny because if you have been reading my blog for a long time, you know i usually hate myself O.o not any longer. quite the opposite. but yeah, so i also got a good raise ^___^ and i sure do love money so yay.

so yeah, as i said...tomorrow is my day off. usually i dont have tuesday's off. in fact, usually my next day off wouldnt be until thursday! but my boss loves me and just happened to give me and ron the same day off :P and i know she did it on purpose because she is actually excited that i am dating him O.o;;; but anyway, sleeping in is in order, a really long hot shower and then i be stealing my parents car to go see ron. he wants to have a picnic if it isn't so cold. and i realized he is amazing because he can cook and he thinks up simple romantic things to do like picnics and pumpkin carving and stupid fun things i would never think of doing together lol. O.o;;;

well. i suppose i dont have much else to say. have a wonderful day my loves.