Random rants about whatever happens to come into my brain at the time. >_>

Hunger Craze

What is the best way to escape a world of depression, mounting suffering and pain? With video games of course. Lately I have been playing Final Fantasy 11. It has been my escape from this world. Lets face it, these days there hasnt been much to smile about and in my case there is no exception. I have no job since I was laid off back in January. Its not because I havent tried to get one - there is just nothing out there. I cant tell you how many applications I have put in for everything possible.

With no job comes no money and with no money comes no food. It is sad that the one time I relied on the government to provide with me unemployment money they have yet to send me a check. And I am starving. I have lost 5lbs in a week. I know it sounds unbelievable but when you dont have a way to buy the food you just go without.

It angers me that there are people out there that never worked a day in their lives and they are doing better than I am. Meanwhile I have slaved in factories all my life and this is where all my hardwork has gotten me: In a small broken down basement with no heat and no food.

Why is my life so disgustingly sad?

What are your dreams?

Director Lazard once said that "unattainable dreams are the best kind." Is my dream to become an artist one of those types of dreams? I start my first day at my new job tomorrow and Im once again getting those feelings of "this is not where I need to be" flooding through me. I havent even started yet and already I know this is not something I want to do. But do I really have a choice in the matter? No. I have to go to this job because if I dont I wont have any money. It's a vicious cycle that can drive a man insane if he focuses on it too carefully.

But I know this is not what I want to do with my life. Time is precious. Time is fleeting. All I want to do is travel the world and draw. I want to share my passion for art and writing with other people that also have a vision. I want to see the dreams of others and embrace them as much as they embrace mine. My insecurity in the aritistic realm constantly keeps me from moving on any further but my lack of money doesn't help the situation either.

And thus I must force myself to go to a place that I dont want to go. I will have to drag myself there kicking, screaming and clawing, and force myself back into the world of "general labor". Working on machines is my future and the longer I fight it the more miserable I will become. Why dont I just succumb to my horrible fate and deal with it?

Because Im a dreamer and I dont want to face reality. I will forever be stuck here in this rotting Hell of a home, forced to be with people I dont like because that is reality and the sooner I face this and end my pathetic existence the better off I will be.

Only in death does art thrive. I only have one year left to find out.

Rank?

Rank 547/8303? Thats gotta be some kind of mistake for I know I am not that popular...

Crazy

Im a lunatic. That has to be the reaosn Im so creative because I swear to god if I was normal half of this wreckage I spew out on paper wouldnt exist. One day I know Im going to lose my mind, snap, and become an entirely different entity. Wouldnt that be fun? To see a man walking down the street screaming at someone who obviously isnt there and carrying on a conversation as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

Oh, its gonna happen. Theres no stopping it. Its just a matter of time before the decay of my mental state errodes the walls of balance and topples the foundation of sanity that I have grown so accustom to. When that happens I wont know who the hell I am anymore.

Good times. Good times.

Traveling Artist

I know I havent been here in forever. I actually started my own website. This place is just too confusing to me at times. I hadnt been here in a long time and I got this email saying that "things have changed" and I should come back. So I came back to see what all the fuss was about only to remember why I left to begin with.

I really dont like this site anymore. The configurations just drive me insane.

But anyway, Im sure you're wondering what on Earth Ive been doing in my long absence. You are wondering that arent you? Well Ill put your mind at ease by telling you that I started drawing a manga. Yes yes, I know, stupid little starving artist cant draw for shit is attempting a manga? Is the world coming to an end when they just let anyone off the street make a manga?

Apparently so.

Its not published yet and I have no idea if it ever will or not. I am on the third book; yes, I said book. There are actually books! Wow.

Aside from the manga, I have made a calendar which was art hell and also reminded me that I dont work well on time constraints. I also wrote a short story. God Ive been busy.

I know you would rather see some art so Im going to post some up. Continue to tell me how much I suck. It rivitalizes my soul in the faith of degradation.