It's... Still Hard to Wrap My Mind Around.

Gypsy came home yesterday.

The urn... is a beautiful solid oak box with her photo in it on the front just above her name and the engraving. The photo was something that I picked out for it. It's one of her as a puppy, literally taken the week that we brought her home.

During the days after her death, while we waited to get back her remains, I was slowly beginning to heal a little more. With the company of my friends, and their support, I started to feel a little better.

Eventually, it became easier for me to speak of Gypsy in the present sense... as though she were still with us physically.

Heh,... there's even a running joke between me and Kim that Gypsy must still dive bomb her cat Strawberry straight from heaven. After all, that was Gypsy's favorite thing to do on Kim's ranch whenever we would go there on the weekends.

In short,... I was getting better.

But,... it's strange.

When I saw her urn, after placing her onto her specially cleared spot,... the sight of it kind of stunned me a little. I think it was because of what it was.

This was her...

This polished little box with her photo on it... This was her.

The sight of it, finally there in front of me,... is what really made the reality hit home. She's really gone. This... REALLY happened.

I cried.

In both sadness, and a little happiness,... I cried.

Sadness because it does still hurt to acknowledge the reality, but happiness because... she's finally back home.

It's gonna be hard to wrap my mind around though. The very concept that the creature I used to love and hug is now within this little urn,... this little box,... is still pretty hard to believe.

She brought color into our lives when we met her, then left it grey when God took her.

My Heart Is Gone Because It Left With An Angel...

She brought color into our lives when we met her, then left it grey when God took her...

This... is the engraving that will go onto the urn along with her name...

Gypsy, my very first dog, passed away the afternoon of March 3, 2010. She was 10 years old, was gonna be 11 in November. I got her when I was 11 years old, picked her out myself, and loved her more than anyone. She was my best friend, companion, and the greatest Christmas gift I've ever gotten.

I got her the afternoon of December 20, 1999, five days until Christmas Day. Originally, I went in thinking that I was going to pick myself out a male, full bred. About a half hour later, I came out with a female boxer/golden retriever mix that cost about twenty-five dollars. After knowing her and having her in my life, I would have gladly paid millions for her...

Originally, we were only going in to look. We didn't plan on officially getting one until the 23rd. However, when I held her, I wanted her right then and there. Another reason why we got her so quickly was because there was a little boy there about my age that also wanted her. For some reason, I couldn't let that happen.

For ten years, she brought joy into my life. I only wish we could have had a few more trips around the sun together...

We basically grew into our adult years together. I helped her grow into the best dog that we have ever known. She helped me grow into a better person than I think I would have been without her. She taught me compassion at a young age and how to love with all my heart.

She was lively, spunky, odd, and had more personality than that of any human being that I've ever met. I never would have thought that a tumor would be the thing to take her from me... It spread so fast, leaving us struggling to catch our breaths...

Most people would probably describe the feeling of a broken heart as a tight and constricting sensation in your chest.

For me,... there's a huge cold spot in my heart. It literally makes me shiver...

We tried so hard to save her, even took her to another clinic when ours gave up on her. In the end,... there was nothing we could do as it spread to her lungs...

We had to let her go... and make the pain stop.

I held her head in my hands as they gave her the injection.

As she fell into an eternal sleep, the colors of the room began to bleed away into the tears in my eyes...

I remember whispering to my father later, who was crying along side me... Dad,... it's gonna be a cold Spring...

"Gypsy, I love you and miss you so much. I know you're someplace beautiful now and without pain... I hope you know how much it hurts now, how empty it feels, without you here. I hope you know that we tried... I also hope that you'll be waiting for us when it comes time to join up with you. Then, we can finally go home together..."

"I love you, Gypsy. I love you... I'll never forget about you or all the love you gave us. I love you..."

"I love you..."

I Need This...

Maybe it's just so that I don't break down into a tragic mess on the floor, or even just so that I don't start screaming, but I'm beginning to remember why I used to post so much on my old Otaku blog before.

Whenever certain events would happen to me in real life, I could come on here and talk about them amongst people of my own kind: the Otakus. In return for ranting out my frustrations and heart ache, I would get kind and generous words that would tend to help lift my spirits a little.

Sure, I could go to my friends to speak about these things, but I've never been good with actual SPEAKING. Typing or writing them down, however, comes easier for me. Plus, I think it's because I crave words from strangers. It's very predictable about what your friends will tell you about any given situation, if that wasn't the case then they wouldn't really be your friends then would they? Strangers, however, can say what they feel because they don't feel obligated to say the usual as they would with those they know. It's even more so on the internet it seems.

Anyway, with that opening out of the way, allow me to get to the real reason why I'm posting my first post in a LONG while.

I'm not exactly sure how many of my old Otaku friends are even still on here anymore so this may not get as much feedback as my older ones used to. However, just getting the chance to vent will be enough to satisfy me now.

Today is actually the 3 year anniversary of a certain tragic event that happened in my life. Anyone who knows me should remember what that is, if not, it's been 3 years to the day that a Tornado tore through the my highschool in my Senior year, leaving many wounded and 8 students dead.

Yes, for me, March 1 always comes in like a coked up Lion. It always marks something bad or something just strange depending on my luck.

This years March 1 seems to plan on being bad. As if one bad memory wasn't enough to mark on one day, let's add another.

Here comes the part where most of you will probably think I'm a child.

Gypsy, the dog that I've had since I was 11 years old, was found to have had a tumor on her spleen today. At first she was discovered to have blood anemia, later to have been supposedly caused by an infection from a tick she was bitten by in the Summer.

However, that was what the case seemed to be this morning. Later on today, in the afternoon, I went outside to see her... and she didn't know where she was. She bumped into things as she walked, turned in slow circles, and looked confused about where everything was. She would often fall down and lay there in her spot when she would give up trying to walk around.

I knew that wasn't normal immediately and took her to the vet quickly.

Long story short, I had to leave her there. Once I got home, about 5 minutes later, I got a call about the tumor. At the moment, we're not sure of how much it's spread. I'm praying that there's hope though...

Anyone who has or ever had a pet could probably relate better to this. Gypsy was the VERY first dog that I've ever had and I've had her since I was 11 years old. I even picked her out myself, and we took her home the same day because there was a little boy my age that wanted her also. ^^

I've trained her myself, bonded with her, raised her, and molded her into a find canine. She's smart and she seems to understand exactly what I'm asking of her.

I think the other reason why I'm hurting with WORRY right now is because of how we grew up together...

She was only a few months old when I got her and I was only 11 years old. In a way, she and I were BOTH just puppies. We were learning about our changing worlds together, side by side.

She and I literally grew up into our adult years together. I helped her grow and, in return, she helped me grow as well.

Because of me and my love, she's a respectable canine. Good with children, calm yet silly at times, and loving. She's actually made a few of my friends and family friends jealous. "Why can't my dogs be like her?..."

Because of her companionship and love, I honestly think I've grown into a better person than I would have been. I had someone to give all my love to and think of more than myself at a young age. I developed true compassion very young because of her.

So, the resurfacing thoughts because of today scare me.

I was ready to give my love to someone, but I'm no where NEAR ready to lose that someone. Ten years isn't good enough to me. I won't accept it... So I'll try my hardest to stay positive, because I want more years. I want more time... That way, maybe,... I can come to terms with it more easily when there's no chance for more time.

It's pretty selfish... However, I know I can't be the only one guilty of wanting more of that kind of thing.

Time... I just need more time than what we've had together so far...