found these and thought they were funny

"Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings."

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

"You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!"

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.' " - that one is so true!

"What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come."

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"

"Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling."

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."

"If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way."

"Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid."

"The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory."

"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway."

"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."

"Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film."

Life: 06/08/09 | Posted By: NIGHTMAR3 | 2 comments