Meh. Shit happens.

So that shit you're wondering about? Yeah. It's feels. Why are feels shit? because feels can be shitty.

Now with that said.... I just dunno.

It's been getting harder and harder to wake up each day. It's getting closer to my anniversary with otter. .... in all honesty.... I'm scared. I'm fucking terrified.

My last relationship lasted for years.... and it... like feelings it went to shit. I just. I wasn't good enough. I'm still not good enough. For anyone.

You know how people will tell someone "you'll always have a place in my heart"? Well; I've said once. And only to one person. My ex. And it's still true.

He wasn't my first love, he wasn't my longest relationship either. But for some reason I didn't want him to ever leave my life. Of course, he did, and then all that chaotic shit happened.

But we talk, just not as often. I was recently asked if I talk to him and I said yes. I was asked if I miss him. I said yes.

I moved to a new state for this man. Of course I'm going to miss someone I was deeply inlove with!!!! And I hate it. I hate how sometimes I forget anything past that summer happened and I wake up in California and remember.

I wasn't good enough.

My current boyfriend, is always aware of what is on my mind and in my organs that pump blood. He's seen me smile and genuinely be happy, but he's also seen me walk to the train tracks crying my eyes out just ready to lay down one last time.

Yes, I love my ex. I mean I care about him and shit. But I'm not inlove. I just have love for him.

I'm inlove with my current boyfriend. But.... what if being together so long will be another failure?! I mean the guy is talking to me about living together and marriage!!! I don't want to think about this shit, let about talk about it!!! Dis nig is planning the shit!!! Nooooooooo!!!!

I need to tell him. No more! I can't take it! I don't want another engagement! I don't want..... I don't want to fail again.

I'm pretty good at a lot of things. I'm a jack of all trades. One minute im baking, the next I'm shooting a glauc at 40+ mile radius still hitting my target. I could be in a fight then go clubbing and dance like a dainty doll! I'll look like a doll, and I'll make sure to give you nightmares if you piss me off. I can make you laugh, and make you dinner, while fixing something. Yeah, I'm handy and great with hoomans and animals. .... but im bad with hoomans that say "I love you" I'm terrible with people who make my brain want to explode with candy and confetti flying everywhere while I sing my once soul out for them. And them alone.
And I would do over and over. I still do. I'm always singing to him even though he's too stupid to get that. ..... a lot of people are. So to Nono and Monkey, thank you for playing along when I serenade you!

But yeah.. hitting one year is horrifying. I remember past anniversaries and how I just wound up failing. So it's scary. Yeah. I'm afraid of emotions. They're gross. And they're like being possessed. So emotions are creepy! Creepy AF!