Within the rabbit hole lies my wonderland. It's demented and feeds off my current emotion or thought. Lunatics, like myself, shouldn't show the world inside their head. However, I choose to.

I really need something good

It's getting close to the date of my papa's passing. As if things couldn't be more depressing, I'm still mourning over him. I need to find a baseball jersey to wear on his birthday. I have to celebrate him. I have to make up for all the time that I didn't. If I don't ... I might lose him for good. I almost forgot him once, I can't do that again.
Recently I've unplugged my house phone... It's staying that way until further notice or I get a new number... again... This break up isn't just fucking me over, but my family. They have to deal with me crying at night, being scared that shayde is crazy enough to call even more. I had to have my mom text him on my phone to leave me alone. I begged her to step in. To the point where I was clutching onto her and crying.
She got pissed and texted him for me, and the next day I blocked his number. She's annoyed because this is too much. She's unplugged the phone because of it. She's furious because she sent me out there, then had to bring me back over his antics only to hear he dumps me via text. Then she got really mad when he brought up me being demisexual. Because I'm demi, he thinks I'm going to move on with a new guy and marry him.
.....Wow... That's not how demi works!!!!! I'm not going to be dating, but I do plan to date and it won't be him. He broke every promise to me. And I gave him 4years worth of chances. I'm... I'm kind of tempted to just delete all of my accounts. I'm really defeated I really just want to end it all. I mean that's the only way I'll be free... or it seems that way..


To make my love life clear to anyone bothering to care or wanting to now. It's done. No one is allowed to have one with me. NO ONE.
I'm not taking back Shayde, especially after having to block him on everything, and unplugging my house phone! Yeah, I have to unplug my house phone now, he tries to harass me that much.
Seriously, NO MEANS NO. If someone does not want to be with you anymore, get over it. If you feel you need to change for a person, that person is not for you. I hated Shayde's lifestyle, therefore I'm not good for him, he didn't like mine either. So he needs someone who will indulge with him on his lifestyle. I don't like how I have to live my life paranoid these days. I'm scared of looking at my phone or turning on my computer. I'm scared of leaving the house and being in the house all at the same time. He is that relentless, and no better than my ex. What is it with these guys?! When I'm around they fucking hate me. I'm gone and suddenly they can't be without me. This is bullshit. Oh and each time my parents had to get involved. Thanks assholes, you dehumanize me to the point where I actually believe it. Just leave me alone. Because all that's been shown to me is how little I matter and respecting my wishes is not going to happen no matter how much I respecter there's. I regret dating anyone ever!

I failed.

I'm just an all around failure, and I'm just not good enough. Shayde made that clear when he told me it was over. He said I had no chances of him taking me back. That's pretty superficial of him to say. And that pissed me off so I told him he was no prize pig. yeah, I still say mean things even when I'm ready to just cry til I die. It really sucks because I'm still inlove with him. I thought me leaving would be ok, it was just supposed to be a vacation. I cried those last days, I would sob into his shoulder or chest because I didn't want to go, I didn't want to be without him. But, I just wasn't good enough to him. Sadly, you can't make people change what they feel.
So all I can do is just hope he finds someone he loves that will love him back, and be perfect for him.
I'm mad, and sad, but I love him and would rather him be happy than miserable any day.

That's Funny, I'm funny!

Story time!
Last night I was on the ol' computer goofing off. I hear Shayde talking with his dad. I don't care about what they were talking about, anywhores~
I get up to use the restroom, yes, girls pee omg?! IKR?!?! How unsatisfactory in the shock moment! So, I go and Shayde's standing in the bathroom doorway announcing that he's going to pee.
I ninja infront of him and opened the door yelling "LOL NOPE!" Shayde's parents thought it was funny and laughed, Shayde??... not so much. He was pouting until he forgot and played videogames. That's what it's like to live with me if you're a guy!

Triggered (it's long)

2015 was a pretty bad year to me. I lost my cousin, who was robbed of a proper childhood. I lost my papa who was my father in so many ways and never let me forget t...

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