Within the rabbit hole lies my wonderland. It's demented and feeds off my current emotion or thought. Lunatics, like myself, shouldn't show the world inside their head. However, I choose to.

No more...

I want to get over my ex. But, posting shit about him and verbally attacking people who don't know and are trying to help isn't right. Seriously I know I'm the antichrist and cupid, so I understand what's going on with him and people who get involved. The smartest way I should have handled the last person to try to help should have been to politely decline on them trying to "help the situation". Instead... I snapped... really... really... bad... I feel awful and said sorry. I just hope I didn't upset that person too much.
I would say this break up has me like this, but I'd be lying. I'm a short fused gutter mouth fuck. But if I'm sorry, I will say it and mean it. Because, I won't unless I really am. The word sorry has so much meaning behind it so I don't like to throw it around... and that's why I usually try to think before I speak or type. Instead I fucked up big time. I was very insensitive to this person and all around a bitch.
But, I'm not posting about my ex anymore and I won't be talking about him to anyone who asks. I don't care what he posts about me anymore and I shouldn't have let it get under my skin. If I don't stop this I won't help myself.
I get where people are coming from on this, and I the that I'm causing him so much trouble. That was never my intentions. But I'm not going to post about what I'm thinking on this because if he reads it it will make him feel worse. I know not posting and acting like things are fine is a shitty thing to him too. But it might help him move on and think "she's a fucking bitch, I'm over this bullshit" I would love that. That would be fantastic! Anywhore, no more relationship drama..... unless I'm talking shit about myself, because ooh girl, I am such a pizza hog, that bitch.
Take care people and Ja. Again to that person I left that rude comment about, I am sorry about it and whatever effect it took on you.

In other news.

Today is creepypasta fan day! It's also~ the anniversary of the Joker's premiere in the batman series!!!! YAAASSS!!!!! I've already showed my love for the two on my hand~

Also I hope I can post atleast one new chapter tonight on my creepy pasta fanfic.. if anyone steals my ideas, I'll find ya and pull out your spine out through your mouth, shove it back in through your eye socket and stopmp out yo face! Then Jeff will help me set you on fire~

Not taking back Shayde.

Yeah, I can't get back together with him. I got into a relationship as of late and I want to love her and threat her right because she's someone that truly needs and deserves it from me most. Me. I need to love and care for myself. I have been putting myself on hold for men who truly can't love me, especially when they treat me the same way I treat myself. I'm neglectful to myself and put others before myself and have said the worst things about myself. I've even hurt myself. These men that "love" me did all that to me too. So why should I continue to allow myself to be treated so poorly? I shouldn't and I won't anymore.
To those of you that disapprove of my relationship and new love, fuck you. Eat a bag of dicks. And get a fucking life. My break ups and relationships do not revolve around what you guys what. It's about what I want in MY life. Shayde is not good enough. And yeah I'm being a bitch, because I want my freedom back. I'm not going to let him bully me anymore. I'm pretty scared of coming home and coming to this site. Hell, just now some passive aggressive asshole just left a comment asking to acknowledge him and talk to him, asking if there was a way to take him back. I don't want to be with someone who treated me badly. You wouldn't want that for a friend or family member so why even ask a stranger to go back to something that made them on the verge of suicide?
And just so we're clear that I don't want to be with Shayde....For any future comments asking what it would take to get me back or how sure am I that I don't want to be with him, here's your answer: I would rather French kiss DONALD TRUMP until his comb over pops off! I would rather be stomped on by a titan, I would rather be the little girl in Full Metal Alchemist that gets transmuted with her dog!!!!!! I would rather eat raw carrots!!! I would rather..... I would rather give up cosplay and anime!!!!!

But I'm not going to give up this site, I didn't for a guy that wanted me off here, and I'm not going to let his harassment get me to delete my account! I'm gonna go on my fucking terms! you got that?! Also I'm not gonna give up cosplay and anime over this bcause.... fuck you, that's why. :p

I really need something good

It's getting close to the date of my papa's passing. As if things couldn't be more depressing, I'm still mourning over him. I need to find a baseball jersey to wear on his birthday. I have to celebrate him. I have to make up for all the time that I didn't. If I don't ... I might lose him for good. I almost forgot him once, I can't do that again.
Recently I've unplugged my house phone... It's staying that way until further notice or I get a new number... again... This break up isn't just fucking me over, but my family. They have to deal with me crying at night, being scared that shayde is crazy enough to call even more. I had to have my mom text him on my phone to leave me alone. I begged her to step in. To the point where I was clutching onto her and crying.
She got pissed and texted him for me, and the next day I blocked his number. She's annoyed because this is too much. She's unplugged the phone because of it. She's furious because she sent me out there, then had to bring me back over his antics only to hear he dumps me via text. Then she got really mad when he brought up me being demisexual. Because I'm demi, he thinks I'm going to move on with a new guy and marry him.
.....Wow... That's not how demi works!!!!! I'm not going to be dating, but I do plan to date and it won't be him. He broke every promise to me. And I gave him 4years worth of chances. I'm... I'm kind of tempted to just delete all of my accounts. I'm really defeated I really just want to end it all. I mean that's the only way I'll be free... or it seems that way..


To make my love life clear to anyone bothering to care or wanting to now. It's done. No one is allowed to have one with me. NO ONE.
I'm not taking back Shayde, especially after having to block him on everything, and unplugging my house phone! Yeah, I have to unplug my house phone now, he tries to harass me that much.
Seriously, NO MEANS NO. If someone does not want to be with you anymore, get over it. If you feel you need to change for a person, that person is not for you. I hated Shayde's lifestyle, therefore I'm not good for him, he didn't like mine either. So he needs someone who will indulge with him on his lifestyle. I don't like how I have to live my life paranoid these days. I'm scared of looking at my phone or turning on my computer. I'm scared of leaving the house and being in the house all at the same time. He is that relentless, and no better than my ex. What is it with these guys?! When I'm around they fucking hate me. I'm gone and suddenly they can't be without me. This is bullshit. Oh and each time my parents had to get involved. Thanks assholes, you dehumanize me to the point where I actually believe it. Just leave me alone. Because all that's been shown to me is how little I matter and respecting my wishes is not going to happen no matter how much I respecter there's. I regret dating anyone ever!