I guess it’s not really a ton of an issue anymore. I’m used to it after several months of being told that I wasn’t wanted anymore. She tells me she's busy all the time, but I know she's not really busy, mostly because she's a terrible liar. By now, I’m pretty much acclimated to the constant rejection. Even from my “best friend” who apparently would always be there for me and would apparently never trade me for anything. But I doubt she even remembers who I am.
I doubt that if she saw my picture, she wouldn’t recognize my face. I doubt she remembers the thirteen years we spent together and everything we have been through. I doubt she remembers that I was her friend, or pretty much a little sister to her. I doubt she remembers all the times we drew each other pictures and wrote each other notes, or all the hours we’ve spent on the phone. And I doubt that she even remembers that I exist. Even though we see each other every day getting the mail or walking our dogs, she seems completely unphased by my presence every time I see her.
“Oh sorry, I’m busy.” The same words; the only words that I’ve heard from her for months come to my ears once again. I should’ve known that she was going to say that. It shouldn’t bother me now. It’s been the same way for months now, but every time I hear that, I’m reminded of how much it really hurts. The way it makes you feel like your heart just shattered like a sheet of glass, or how it twists a tiny knot in your throat, causing your heartbeat to pound in your ears.
“Sorry…” Is all I can manage to choke, fighting my tears from polluting my voice. “Bye then.” I’m reminded of the confusion that surges through my mind, trying to find out why she doesn’t want me to have anything to do with her life anymore. I just want to know what happened. Most of all, I’m reminded that I’m all alone, with nobody to care.
I know things change. I’ve been told things change again and again, but this was a change I could never grasp or get used to. I knew it’d never change back, and she’d never be anywhere close to the girl she once was. Still, I’ll always have my memories and cute little trinkets she’d bring me back from vacations.
Now all I can say is that I miss her and I wish I could see the caring, funny, girl she used to be. All I can do is wonder what I did wrong or remember the times we would set up tents in the backyard or plot stupid ideas when we were little. "when we were little"...Yeah, I know: Things change. I also know that everybody has to grow up, and with that, you have to let go. Now I know how parents feel about it, and why it's such a big deal to them. Obviously, this isn't about letting go of the "little girl I raised" or "my baby." But Its all the same isn't it? Letting go of someone you know you loved and knowing you won't see that person as long as you may live? at the same time, you know you have to and there isn't a choice. You just have to let go and let them live their life. Right? But still, it hurts and the same thoughts invade my mind.
“I miss you…"
But there is one thing that I am absolutely positive about. No matter who comes ito her life,or how much she changes, I will always be the one who cares about her the most because she is and will always be my best friend. That's what best friends are supposed to be, right?
Either way, if you read this,I doubt you remember, doubt you care.