Well, here I am. People who know me love me whether they like it or not. It's a burden since I dislike most people. You can find My actual Life HERE. I have many fandoms, and many likes but I have yet to find passion in a pasttime. You are welcome as long as you behave.
I figure as long as STAN can live here, I can too. Here's round two.
I think that one of my teeth might be infected. Much discomfort.
Is it completely wrong of me to hate myself for no crying in a couple of day and for feeling like I'm normalizing? I don't want to get used to life without him. I am doing it though, whether I like it or not. I guess that's a positive in the long run, but anyone who knows me knows I live through the movies. Things like this always work out in the movies. I just suddenly decided I hate the movies.
Musically I've moved from Ani Difranco to Counting Crows. My Pandora.com radio stations keep playing Dave Matthews at me. Go to hell, Dave! I haven't turned on my TV since Sunday... What have I been doing? Music and puzzles. That and staring blankly at my journal, trying to write bad poetry.
This weeke has been excusiatingly long. I tried to not talk to him all week, but I didn't make it. I called him tonight, asking if he took all the antibiotics I gave him. I really think me tooth is infected.
Don't think I'm getting over it, I'm still excedingly sad. I'm just learning to come to grips that I won't change it
I've been really wanting to write some poetry lately, but I'm so blocked. I spew verbage all day, every day but I can't artfully put a few lines together. It's kind of sad. Let's write a poem about that!
Unispired
Staring at my empty page,
Feeling like I've been assigned homework.
I so want to cover it
In words so artful they paint.
Yet all I lend is
Bad metaphors and cliche.
Stolen Imagery.
Words escape my grasp
As I embrace my lacking.
Even the irony seems flat.
Adjectives are tired and overused.
Emotion is pointedly missing.
Whatever is to become of this
sad little thought?
Who will remember it?
Who would want to?
Heavy and self-loathing,
Yet lacking depth.
I hear many voices of my teachers now.
Overuse of "lacking"...
Fuck you, critic!
Stream of consciousness poetry has no artistry,
Form and rhyme,
That's what poems need,
what makes them worth our time!
Who caged the poem?
Made all these laws and rules?
It's cruelty to the words,
Unjust to the thoughts and emotions.
I don't feel in rhyme,
And I don't weep in rhythm.
Do you know who I love? Dany. For reasons all my own that he probably doesn't even know. He's a good friend, and can't help but be honest. Thank you, Darlin'.
Just a story, Petie enjoyed it, but it was in context.
I knew this girl name Molly once. She was having a boring night and then suddenly was attacked by Cicadas. They ate her.
The End
I'm a slob. My house isn't pest infested or anything, but there's clutter everywhere. I need to move just so I have to get rid of a bunch of crap. How is it I have a 3 bedroom house all to myself and not enought room for all my crap?!?! It makes no sense and I don't need all this stuff!
I wish you could have stay unemployed, jerk. I miss you.
Blair took me to the flea market today. It was an adventure that was cut short by my stomach rebeling against the Carlos O'Kelly's we had for lunch. Brother Victor called today, just for giggles, I guess. It was nice to talk to him, and he had some whacky stories.
Sometimes I feel like I do things just to prolong the bad. I couldn't help it, I was looking through our wedding album tonight. I don't know if I was compelled, or if I decided to do it so I could keep on being sad. I do shit like that. For some reason, my life is incomplete unless I'm oppressed by some emotion. I feel like an attention monger, and I feel like eventually everyone I know is going to just yell, "SHUT UP!" at me in unison.
Oh well, I shall continue to be whiny and bitter until I drive away everyone who cares about me, then I can have something to be whiny and bitter about.
I had my cable turned off... I miss it a little... It was a distraction.
I'm so tired. I sleep, but I'm still tired. My body has also decided that it wants me to be a morning person. I keep waking up at like 730 am. BOO!
I made some copies of pictures that I want to send to Jordan. They are wedding pictures. I kind of want him to know he's not allowed to forget me... I have decided not to send them because 1) I'm not stupid, and 2)I haven't given him a chance to miss me. That's a wird thing to say. I talk to him quite a bit, and I'm at his beck and call (cause I'm a little stupid). I need to just leave him alone for a while, completely. No calls, no texts, no talking. It's going to backfire, but I have to try it. I have to do it for me, to show myself that I can be without him and to let him realise he can't live without me (probably not, but a girl can hope, right?)
I wonder if I'm ever on his mind, or if he realises he's never not on mine. I wonder if he lurks here and reads this. If he were to do that, I would be shocked, but also I can't imagine that reading parts of my broken soul would get no response from him. He is sensitive and caring. I also wonder, I once gae him a framed picture of me as a gift. He had it up in his last house, and he didnt leave it here. I wonder if it's up somewhere in his house, or just there, put away.
I'm so tired. I must bed down...
My life has knocked me down, and I've been leaning hard on my friends and family. I'm so grateful that I have such wonderful, caring people who are trying so hard to keep me afloat. To all those who do or do not read this page, I am so appreciative of the people in my life. I will never be able to repay your caring, kindness or patience. I am loved, and I cannot express how precious that is to me. Thank you and I love you.
Cause nothing is as it appears
In the fun house mirrors of oyur fears
On the rollercoaster of all these years
with your hands above your head....
...And I don't care how fast you run,
Just tell me babe, when you're done
With this little marathon
and you've still got cabfare home.
Cause the finish line is a shifty thing,
and what is life but reckoning?
And you know, You are still the song I sing
To myself,
When I'm alone.
-Ani DiFranco "Reckoning"
I hung out with Jordan today. I actually had some stuff to give back to him, so I went by his house. We hung out for a couple of hours and it was awkward, but not unpleasant. After that, I turned into a marshmallow. I went back into meltdown. During the whole thing, he just stared at me with this look on his face. He felt sorry for me, and maybe even sorry for what he's doing to me, but there's no budging on the stance. All I get is a look that says, "I wish there was something I could do for you."
I need to leave the whole thing alone, otherwise he will not have anything to do with me. But when I said to him today, "I'm sorry it got to this point," and he replied, "So am I," It makes me so frustrated and angry. I just want to yell, "How did it get to this point?" or "What is this point, and why can't we step back from it?" He's so indecisive about everything. Why is this the one thing he decides and takes a harsh stance on?
I feel like a pathetic girl. Lost and pathetic. No one has any directions or advice for me either. Who could? He said he hasn't really put any thought or motion into the legal dissolution of our marriage. Is that a comfort? Not really, cause he's still gone. He is still wearing his ring, though. Is it stupid of me to want him back, to not give up where he's told me I should? Probably, but logic isn't something that is at work here.
I'm tired of whining, but it's cathartic to put it somewhere. No one ever say anything on any of these posts, and I understand why. It's hard, but I appreciate the one on one time I have gotten, and thank you for the shoulders to cry on.
From about a week after I really met Jordan I knew I loved him, and he was going to be in my life forever. I've never hated be wrong so much.
