Well, here I am. People who know me love me whether they like it or not. It's a burden since I dislike most people. You can find My actual Life HERE. I have many fandoms, and many likes but I have yet to find passion in a pasttime. You are welcome as long as you behave.
I figure as long as STAN can live here, I can too. Here's round two.
I am home again today. I just couldn't get out of bed this morning. I'm pretty much a masochist, I've decided. I read the letters that he sent me when I lived in the dorms, and openly sobbed. I was in hysterics. I fell on the floor, and wept and sobbed. Why would I even do that to myself? I guess I had to see that it had been real. The whole thing started because I found the card that had accompanied my flowers for our first wedding anniversary. It said, "Thank you for being my wife. I love you." I'm weak and I'm alone and I don't know what to do. I want to make copies of all the letters and leave them on his doorstep, but he would just say that they prove his point and that he is not that person anymore.
I just don't want to let it go. There's no feeling anywhere like loving and being loved back. I want to get that back, and I want it with him. I stopped crying yesterday, and I almost believed for a minute that I could accept this, but I'm not sure I can. Everyone says I will. I can't see that far ahead, and I don't want to think of a day where it will be okay with me that I was abandoned without explanation by the man that I love, and have loved for a very long time. In every story there is someone who is left behind, I guess. When there's only 2 people in the story, your odds aren't so great.
I feel like vomiting all the time, whether I eat or not. I want to tell someone everything that is going on with me, but who to tell? I want to share it with my husband,he's the one I want to share everything with. But he's the cause and he's not here. He also doesn't want to hear about it. He won't answer my phone calls, not that I'm calling to talk about that or even chat. I call him to say, "I need dog food," or things utilitarian like that. He lets it go to voicemail and responds with a text. We can have grand conversations via text, but he's even drawing away from those. I think he thinks it's harder for me if he keeps a connection at this time. I was really angry about Tuesday, after all. Sunday he tells me our marriage is finished, and Monday he sends me a text asking me to take him to the garage to pick up his motorcycle. I'm not sure what that was, I think he was actually trying to keep his word to me that he would not be out of my life completely. I also think that he didn't have anyone else to call. I really don't think it was meant to be callous, but it hurt me. I was also mean and angry and didn't speak to him the entire drive. I may hae been the callous one then. I think it may have been slightly warranted, but I think it may have hurt him, and that was not intentional. I was just lashing out.
Day Jordan proposed: Aug 26th, 2005
Day Jordan moved out: Aug 25th, 2008
that day
My view count was at 666 for a long time today.
A friend of mine described jordan's recent brush off of me as a "bandaid goodbye." I guess it seriously fits. He had separated himself from me long ago, and that's why it looks so easy for him. This is a decision that was made long ago that took a long time to voice, and he had to wait until he was safely out of the house to do it. I've described it a little over the last few months. We would sit around and barely acknowledge each other, he would wait until he knew I was asleep before coming to bed and we stopped having sex. I had myself convinced we were just in a funk, and that it would turn out alright because I believed he loved me, but he hadn't even said that in over a year, except in response to my telling him. Even with all this, my frustration growing, my affection and love for him never waning or lessening. I just wanted to do anything I could to help him. I never thought I would lose him. I never saw I was losing him. I guess I'm really good at denial.
I need to go to work tomorrow, cause when I'm around people, I do much better. Being home alone makes me feel ill. I can't explain it, as soon as I'm alone in my house, my stomach just clinches down on itself and I want to vomit. I just want to wallow, and I'm so terrible at it. I did alright yesterday, it's just not a long term state for me... I get really restless, so I cry while I fidget. I've been sleeping a lot. A LOT and I'm still totally tired. I'm pretty sure I'm dehydrated because I cannot drink enough of anything to keep up with the tears leaving my body.
It's unfair to say, but I'm so tired of hearing, "I'm sorry," from anyone who I tell the story to. I really want some insight and advice, no one has any. The one person who could give me some insight can't or won't or some perverse combination of the two. Is it wrong that I cannot accept, "I don't know," as a fundamental reason for the end of my marriage and relationship with the one I love? Is it wrong that I am having a hard time letting go and still want him to just come home. Even with him telling me there's no chance my denial still runs, slight though it may be. Does that just make me sad? I'm afraid it does. Not that I care about peoples' perceptions, it's the truth that I'm interested in. Everyone always makes fun of the movie line from Brokeback Mountain, the one where Jake Gyllenhal yells, "I wish I knew how to quit you!" I think I get it.
I didn't go to work yesterday or today. I'll probably go tomorrow. I still feel sick to my stomach, and I am still sad. Sadness is quickly giving way to anger and bitterness, which I don't need. It's understandable, but I don't need it.
In some excellent, exciting news, my loan application go approved, and my credit card debt will be giving way to regular grown-up loan debt. This is an improvement due to 1) the interest rate is FIXED 2) it will not continue to grow. 3) Lower monthly payments 4) after 3 years, I will be debt free
There's my little ray of sunshine.
My big black cloud still lingers, though. Jordan won't answer phone calls from me, he just communicates with me via text or email. Completely written correspondence. That make me feel like a divorce proceding is imminent, and all our dealings need to be recorded. I swear to God, if I get served with divorce papers, they are going straight into my shredder. I am not giving him a divorce. I will go to court and have a judge order counciling. That way he can't just refuse me. I don't want him to go away.
I did take him to the bike shop this morning. He asked me yesterday, and for some ridiculous reason, I said yes. I didn't really talk to him, and I really just wanted to hit him. He's ruining my life! The life I want to have with him, he's ruined the whole thing. At least I have stopped crying, I guess.
How can he say what he said to me this weekend, and then ask for a favor come Monday? It's shitty. I swear, I might die.
This is a post of self-indulgent babbling.
In an effort to end the suffering of my false hope, Jordan told me this weekend that he is not coming back to me, and that our marriage is over. Very kind of him, eh? It actually is, but I am having a hard time accepting it as that. When he left a few weeks ago, he wasn't sure, or he told me he wasn't sure. He is sure now, and I want to curl into a ball and disappear.
I once again pleaded my case and begged him to reconsider his finalized stance. I told him that it's not fair that he is making all these decisions that effect the rest of our lives by himself, and that we haven't even tried to help or fix anything. He is so uneffected by it, too. He doesn't seem sad or upset or to even miss me. That makes me feel insignificant.
He says he loves me, and I cannot figure out why that is not a reason to try and fix it. He is very fatalistic about it. He just tells me that we now need and want different things and that we are not the same people that we were when we met and fell in love. He could stay, but nothing would change and we would end up hating each other. I can't make him stay, and I can't have him sacrifice something that may make him happy just to stay in a marriage that has been going bad for a while, but I can't just accept that the man I want to spend my life with can just give up on that without trying to fix it. People change, yes, but when you've pledged to spend your life with someone you should help each other grow and nuture each other's change. Growing together is an important aspect of marriage. If people stayed the same as they were when they were 20, then life might be terrible.
I am a fool, and I thought that letting him move out might help. It was unrealistic. If you love something, let it go, right? Whatever. I am hurt and confused and I feel abandoned and rejected. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm just supposed to accept and move or, or if I should fight for what I want. Even the most levelheaded of girls visits crazytown at times like these. I am unprepared to accept or cope with this.
